Are there success stories of mothers & daughters w/BPD staying close?

[sam-99]

My daughter is 22 and recently was finally given a correct diagnosis of BPD.  We seem to be in the same boat as many other mother/daughter's out there.  Are there any success stories of mothers who are managing to maintain a 'good' relationship with their daughters?  She keeps pushing me away as things start looking better. All suggestions are appreciated.  :/

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sunshineplease]

Chuckling a little bit because I've been wondering the same thing and I just responded to another post of yours. My daughter is 17, and we've been alternately "too" close (when she was young and I was her cancer caregiver) and hardly close at all (as I've been trying to give her space, but also -- naturally -- trying to get her to do pesky things like get out of bed in the morning and get herself to school). We do have a nice time together when we are able to just hang out. My fingers are crossed for the future!

[twojaybirds]

My knee-jerk response is "in my dreams"  however my dd and I have pockets of time where I sense a mutual closeness and sincere caring. 

Right now she is not texting me since I ignored  :'(the suicide threat text a few nights ago.  Since that threat and her silence she is all over fb making future plans, returning to college after winter break, has asked to start a competative swim team at her school and a  :)few big posts about the beauty of life and enjoying every moment.  I know she will contact me soon, just not sure when or why.

I do find our relationship is more sustainable the less we are close.  That Wise Mind goes a long way here.

[Eclaire5]

Well, my personal experience is far from a success story if you compare it to normal mother-daughter relationships, but considering the fact that she has BPD, I see it as a success (for now). She is 20 y/o and since she moved out on her own and I keep certain distance from her, our relationship has improved. I no longer tell her how to run her life (not even make little suggestions because those can set her off too if she is in a bad mood) or my opinion if it differs from hers, so that has prevented unnecessary arguments. She has kept her part of the deal by not asking for more financial assistance than what we are willing to give her (a limited amount to help her cover rent and nothing else), and we have kept our commitment to not tell her what to do with her life. Before I moved out of state a couple of months ago we were seeing each other once a week, usually at a restaurant or at the mall, and would talk on the phone a couple of times. I treat her more as a friend than as her mother, meaning I just empathically listen and make no judgments or criticisms, and that has worked for both of us. We are now not being able to see each other due to the geographical distance, but she has been pretty good at texting me to just say hi and we call on weekends. It is not the ideal scenario but waaay better than it used to be when she used to live at home.

[crazyworld]

My daughter is now 41 but we have had the official diagnosis for about 2 years, but now I know that she has had this for a long time - but she lived further away from us so we were not around the cycles that she went through.  When we saw her, we saw the good side only.  After she left her husband, I began to see the dark side of her illness.  I must say that I was in denial about all of this for a very long time.  Do I yearn for my daughter... the daughter that I can share things with and just be myself - yes, I do - I wish for this every day.  I now have reached what I will call the acceptance stage of all of this.

I now know that keeping my daughter at a distance is the best thing for both of us.  Her life style decisions create extreme stress for me - so my new rules are that I don't want to know the details of her life.  We text occasionally and sometimes she calls - when she needs me.  Her life is different from mine and always will be.  I will always love her - forever and ever - but I can't change it and it's that acceptance thing that took me a long, long time to get to.  I can't make it go away or fix it - and for a mother that is a difficult pill to swallow. 

It is an illness that unfortunately there is no cure or medication that can make her completely better.  It will be a lifelong struggle for her and that makes me more sad than mad at her.  But, I now know that I have to take care of myself in order to be there on the fringes for her.  I can never be closely connected to her again because it totally drains me completely.  It is a difficult thing to admit to yourself. 

I wish you the very best - all I can say to you is that it is a long journey and you will continue to find yourself living the same drama over and over again... .  

[griz]

Although we certainly have many trying times we do have times of closeness and I know that she really needs me.  I have learned not to personalize her BPD and so when she is having a tough time and choses to take it out on me I try very hard to separate myself from it.  I also have found that using validation helps tremendously to keep us on the same page.  I am hoping that this continues and I will keep working at it.

Griz

[Speedracer]

I am glad you asked about this. I am interested as well because my dd is 16. The common thread seems to be that the best relationships with BPD adult children require distance. While not there yet I must say I agree. My dd has acted way beyond her age for years & learns from her own mistakes the hard way. She doesn't take my advice well, ever. I am trying to distance now, but I long for the day when I can distance more. The quieter I am with the right amount of distance seems to keep her focus away from blaming me as the cause of her moods & actions. I look forward to reading more responses on this, still learning... .  Also want to point out a good reason to learn: my mom is BPD & my grandmom is not, they have had a 60 year long Miserable relationship. I want to learn from this pain & do better! I hope for better for all of you as well!

[sam-99]

Thank you for so many responses.  This is all really encouraging to me actually.  I have read some pretty scary stuff and was getting a bit worried.   This all has a positive note though I feel.  I hear from all your response that your efforts are not in vain.  Seems like the more we educate ourselves and don't expect so much from them the better things will be.  I am determined to re-train my thinking on matters so that I don't take things personally.  Parents have to deal with a lot and are always adjusting.  This is just another huge adjustment.  But so worth it.  At least I will have a clean conscience in the end knowing I've applied what I'm learning.  I tell myself that raising kids is really hard no matter if they have a disability or not.  I see some parents with horrible relationships with their kids who are 'normal'.  Maybe we have reason to try harder.  As one of you said, we are not so much mad, but sad because of their struggle.  This is motivation I feel to really apply all I am learningl.  It has been a really rough year since my daughters problems came to a head with the first suicide attempt.  But, now that we have a diagnosis I feel we have direction and a shadow of hope.  And I think, if nothing else, understanding is a bit of a freedom for me, so I am not quite so distressed about it all.  And I know that all daughters seem to want some independence.  That's natural.  So, even though my daughter will need a little extra help than others, this is something that may help her and our relationship as well.  It is all food for thought.  Thank you again for your experiences.  I am not alone. 

[Eclaire5]

No you are not, we are all in it together 

[Sybmom]

My 18 year old dd has been diagnosed for 3 years.  She spent 18 months in residential treatment which was the best treatment in the world.  Now she lives with her father out of state.  I have a very good relationship with her - as normal as can be given our distance and her age.  She comes to visit 3-4 times a year and we take a one week vacation together.  I spent the first 15 years of her life trying to fix everything for her and now when she is in a bad place and calls to vent, I offer her empathy just like I would my other child but not solutions or willingness to take on her problems.  it is hard but she seems to be more respectful of me for that.    I can only tell you to don't give up.  Remember - "normal" is different in every relationship.  Find the things that you can do together and do them.  Avoid the things that cause either of you to get upset.  Learn to love what this normal is and enjoy it for what it is. 

[determined NMS]

Gosh that is such a difficult and searching question to answer. I think that absence makes the heart grow stronger when it comes to the relationship with my dd. I feel that there is a real desire for us to be close but when we are together it never seems to work out like that. I like the suggestion of finding the things that you enjoy doing together and avoiding the things that bring stress... .  

I am committed and hope for a middle ground but for now, as I said, it does seem a little distance keeps things on track x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Vivgood]

I am still fairly close to my mom (I'm 51 and she's 78), and my daughter (22 yo) and I have always been close. BPD hasn't changed that, but it means we have to be more aware of what healthy boundaries are and how changes in developmentally appropriate  relationships occur. I am very fortunate that my mom was such an awesome mom for me (when I was BPD), because it really helped me be a good mom for DD when she was BPDish.


vivgood

[Love]

My daughter is in her late 20's and our relationship, sadly to say, is not getting better. Just so sad over this. Hopefully it will get better. Any helpful guidelines that anyone knows would be great.

[MomofBPDAZ]

I'm brand new to all this but wanted to weigh in on the mother-daughter relationship question. My 41 year old daughter was just diagnosed with BPD and PTSD after 3 inpatient hospitalizations since Christmas. She was suicidal and was cutting herself. She has a husband and 4 children, one of whom is autistic. We've had a stormy relationship since she was in her 20s, and I've suspected she had mental problems for years. It's actually somewhat of a relief to have gotten a diagnosis. Our relationship is actually closer now than it's been in the past because we realize there's a reason for the conflict between us. In the last week, she's begun to open up to me about what's going on in her mind, which is good, but also very scary because she's been tellling me some very disturbing things. I'm trying to learn all I can so I can help her and also learn how to set appropriate boundaries for myself. I'm already exhausted. She lives 3 hours away, and I've had to drop everything to go and stay there to care for my grandchildren each time she's been hospitalized. I realize there's a long road ahead for both of us, and I need to learn how to take care of myself through this process and still be there for her and her family. I'm grateful to all the other mothers out there for sharing their own experiences and insights on this topic.

[Speedracer]

Love, Read Valerie Porr's book, Overcoming BPD. It is very informative. She herself has a daughter with BPD and has dedicated her life to learning about and teaching others about this condition. Try to attend a Marsha Linehan certified Dialectal Behavioral Therapy group for parents of BPD. Mine was once a week for 4 months and covered the four DBT modules: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotional Regulation, & Interpersonal Effectiveness. If your daughter will learn DBT with you even better! My daughter's class was across the hall from my class and lasted once a week for 6 months. During that time she also established a relationship with her individual therapist weekly. My dd also needs a good psychiatrist who communicates well w her therapist, and medication for her is essential for thinking well & staying healthy. We live near a big city. Classes can be found outpatient near a good psychiatric hospital, as inpatients are often referred there. dd continues beyond classes twice a month with her individual therapy sessions. This can be costly, but pales in comparision to the cost of no treatment, or inpatient, and is temporary. Our insurance covered 60%.

MomofBPDAZ you are in my thoughts. I feel for you and for your daughter. I am raising 3 special needs children who are teenagers now. Plus keeping a husband up to speed. Thank goodness your grandchildren have a supportive helpful grandmother. Please don't give up hope for your daughter. She has a lot of work to do. She feels a lot of what we overwhelmed mothers feel, but to the extreme. She can get through this and SHE is the one who needs to work on herself. My mother is BPD and were it not for my grandmother I would not have made it in life. She was my best friend and my rock. She made me laugh, she kept me grounded in my faith, and shared her values. She was always there to talk. & when things were really bad w my mom she made me LAUGH and forget all about mom's very troubling behaviors. My mom & grandmom fought a lot, as do mothers w their BPD daughters. But me & grandma found comfort in each other. I am sharing to give you hope and insight. You can give so much of yourself to this situation and make a difference. Please stay hopeful and please always remember to take care of you!

[MomofBPDAZ]

Thanks Speedracer for your encouraging words. It helped to read that your grandmother helped keep you grounded. I'm going to do my best to be there for both my daughter and her kids. The 2 older kids aren't as big of a concern as the little ones (10 and 11). They've been pretty confused by the events of the last few weeks. I'll look into DBT classes. We're in AZ, and I'm hoping there's a class offered in Phoenix. Unfortunately, I lives hundreds of miles away from my daughter, so it may not be possible to go together. I'll see if something's available online.

[Nrsertcht]

I am very close to my BPD/bipolar18 yr. old daughter. I haven't run across many situations like mine and while we were both in her adolescent DBT program, our statements of how close we are were judged somewhat.

My BPD/bipolar daughter doesn't have the episodes of rage/anger that is often associated with BPD. In fact, I've read about "quiet" BPD'ers who internalize their anger vs. exhibiting their anger/rage.  Dd has a crippling fear of abandonment and will watch while I sleep to make sure I'm alive.

My issues are different from many I see here. I know this doesn't help much but thought I'd add my 2 cents

[griz]

Nrsertcht:

Can you share what you have read about quiet BPD.  My DD also rarely if ever has episodes of rage.  She had one last week however they are rare.  DD also has a fear of abandonment that is quite strong.  She asks me every time I leave the house if I have my cell phone, even if I am just going out to walk the dog. 

I have never heard about the quiet BPD and I would like to learn about it.

Griz

[cbcrna1]

I will add my thoughts to those here.  My BPDd is 36, and lives in England.  She is married no children.  Growing up we were off and on very close, I used all kinds of techniques and boundaries to maintain our relationship thru the teen years.  Roller coaster of emotions always.  I probably would have been a different parent if I had known about BPD then.  She only comes to me now if she has a need.  I can meet her need but she chooses to put us in the same place afterward, NC.  She seems to need to demonize me.  I do all I can to validate and accept.  Her splitting always is the silent treatment.  Right now we are NC and have been trying very hard to break thru the splitting stage, we have tried joint therapy, meeting with the family at a public place, emails etc.  She will be ready when she is ready.  I will wait and hope.  The rest of our story is long and mostly sad.  In all honesty do I think mothers and BPD daughters can have a successful relationship?  I would have to say I still believe you can, with lots of education and probably some distance and some self protection.  It depends on your definition of successful. 

[Nrsertcht]

Griz:

I don't know the rules/etiquette for sharing links but this is what I found;

www.borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/07/the-quiet-borde.html

[sunshineplease]

Thanks for that, Nrsertcht. That piece describes my ud17 exactly.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Thank you Nrsertcht:  That link was very helpful.

Griz

[Nrsertcht]

Sunshine and Griz,

You're welcome!

My heart breaks for all those who deal with difficult parent-child relationships.

I have googled the quiet borderlines and learned much.

I thank God almost on a daily basis for the resources/insurance that allowed dd18 to receive the hospital care/DBT therapies. I realize many do not have options that work.All so sad.

[qcarolr]

Nrsertcht - Thank you for sharing this link about 'quiet-BPD'.  It really brought to mind the book "The buddah & the borderline - a memoir" by Keira Van Gelder.  She describes herself in much this way.

qcr  

[Nrsertcht]

Qcarolr,

Thanks for the mention of the book!

I immediately recognized the photo of Ms. Van Gelder. My dd's DBT therapist her us watch a video on BPD which features both Ms. Van Gelder along with three other people with BPD as well as Dr. Marsha Linehan.

Very informative!

[sam-99]

I would say that my dd would fall under this type of BPD.  She doesn't have fits of rage and tends to keep things in.  Makes it challenging to draw her out and know what she is feeling and thinking.  Many times we thought she was doing ok and she ended up having a bad day which seemed 'out of the blue' to us.

I am so glad to be learning about validating and listening.  This has been a real life savor in our relationship.  When I validate and listen and be quiet and give her time to respond, she opens up and tells me a little bit.  And I don't have to agree with what she is saying, but I can still listen and validate, and I know what is going on in her head so I can help her better... .  or just understand better.  This has helped our relationship improve in just the past month.  All the reading is paying off.  I love the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better".  Explains things so simply. And I know that I cannot fix the things going on in her head, but I am not making them worse anymore.  What a relief to both of us!