Newbie w/ a book-length gut spill Thanks everyone

[Shayna]

HI Everyone,

I am so glad that a support group like this exists, especially online where you can go anytime. The first time that I became aware of BPD was in my therapist's office, where she had a book about the Borderline Parent. She was running late for the session, so I started to read the book & couldn't believe how accurately it described my mother, to a lesser extent my sister, and at times: me. I would like to think they are the screwed up ones, and because I am in therapy & take care of myself, there isn't any traces of it in me! Ah well, so it goes.  

My mother is a major problem for me right now, especially coming out of a visit at the holidays. I moved 1000 miles away over 20 years ago, and I visit 2x a year to see my family. This distance in the relationship works for me, but I call my former hometown the "Zone" and pretty much dread going into it. Inevitably, something goes wrong and there is crazy-making (in the Zone!) & I can never predict it. One point of contention is that I won't live near them, and forever more, I have abandoned my mother. It's a no-win situation for me, and it's a maddening paradigm of narcisscism (another personality disorder that I have been reading up on).

It's a such a long story. Quickly- she was 16 when she had me, came from an abusive upbringing, and was in no way ready to be a parent. She was emotionally disorganized, okay one minute & a raging abusive lunatic a day later- which is confusing to me still, how she can be wonderful & then a nightmare. Whilst growing up, she neglected me and my sister, put us in dangerous situations, and exposed us to crazy people esp. the men she was with after divorcing my Dad- they all seemed to have one common denominator: a dislike of children.

I read a research paper abt. the adult children of teen parents, and it said those who experience 3 out of 10 trauma events (death, divorce, domestic violence, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, etc. etc.) were 60% more likely to be suicidal and depressed. I had experienced 8 out of the 10.

Luckily, I found my way into therapy at the age of 18 & pretty much haven't stopped. I've had the same therapy since the late 90s, and it grounds me w/ so many mental things over the years. At one point, my mother went on disability and sank even deeper into her blameless victimization, which always struck me as the wounded child looking to everyone around her, including her children, to mother and save her. I do a lot of self-help reading, participate in recovery meetings (bec. I ended up having a pot addiction/ quit alcohol too, which was becoming a problem), and I try to take care of myself via nutrition, prayer, meditation, exercise, and close relationships.

All of this well-being puts me farther over the bridge with my mother left behind, and this last visit was monumentally disturbing and seriously emotionally abusive. The worst part- and I'm SO HAPPY FOR THIS FORUM- is that most people don't understand. I rattle off the insane stuff she said to me- my gift last year was an insult, my friends must be sick of me, my clothes make me look fat, I didn't get her the XMas gift she asked for a year ago & I should remember, and on and on... .  

As this was my first holiday sober, I didn't have any emotional buffer to this & was all too aware of what this meant to me. It was triggering as hell. As I was staying over in her house, where I slept upstairs & she was downstairs with her husband, I started to fear that she would sneak into my room & try to kill me in the middle of the night. I don't go around thinking stuff like this, especially when I'm not stoned! She tried to smother her sister with a pillow when they were young, and she had my own sister up against a wall & choked her when we were teenagers; so, my head was going into these places, feeling like she isn't to be trusted.

I worry for my sister's kids who she watches. I don't see how my sister doesn't notice, but I think she's unwilling to face the situation. She is happy to be angry with me about our childhood, but she won't go to our parents about it, which is this crappy misplaced rage on me because she trusts me- what an honor!

Anyway- wow- this is so twisted. In confessing all of this, I know that ignoring them isn't enough and it doesn't work. I want to be in the children's lives. My mother gets more ballistic and crazy if I'm not in touch, which right now, I don't want to be at all. My therapist was sick last week, so I have been stewing on this for two weeks. I feel in a bad mental space.

It's so hard to believe that a parent could be this destructive. My recovery friends tell me that she has her own higher power, and I'm meant to worry about myself right now & to deal with my own life.

This stuff is so twisted, it feels like to have your own mind is dangerous & pulls me farther from her, which means subconsciously a Pavlov expectation of violence.

So I basically just wrote a book! But to anyone who took the time to read this, I am grateful for your attention which in my imagination is a greater comfort than you can know. Being alone in this is tremendously difficult, as I'm sure you know.

Thank you!

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Shayna,



It is nice, isn't it, to find a place where people actually understand, we don't freak out but we know exactly what you are talking about!  Sometimes while we are recognizing 'stuff' our siblings aren't ready to face it and that can be disheartening.  There is some rough stuff in your Mom's past and when you mentioned the kidlets, my heart jumped and skipped a beat or two.

That is so cool that youv'e been working on it, you've been searching things out and getting a big picture of it all.  Can you tell us how long you've been long distance and is your sis the only sibling?  Is your goal improving your relationship with your Mom?

[Shayna]

Hi Shayna,



It is nice, isn't it, to find a place where people actually understand, we don't freak out but we know exactly what you are talking about!  Sometimes while we are recognizing 'stuff' our siblings aren't ready to face it and that can be disheartening.  There is some rough stuff in your Mom's past and when you mentioned the kidlets, my heart jumped and skipped a beat or two.

That is so cool that youv'e been working on it, you've been searching things out and getting a big picture of it all.  Can you tell us how long you've been long distance and is your sis the only sibling?  Is your goal improving your relationship with your Mom?

Hi Rose Tiger- thanks so much for responding

Yes- you are right abt. wishing my sister would get it, esp. bec. I'm older & have shown her the way in so many other areas of life. She is highly functioning in outward ways, but not in her inner world as much & can let her anger fly at me way too much. We had an estrangement at one point bec. I didn't want to be her punching bag anymore & had to set limits, which worked- she got the message. She took for granted before that I wouldn't leave her & then she found out that anyone can be pushed away.

I am concerned abt. the children (5 and 2 y/o), and am not quite sure how to handle it, other than to bring concerns to my sister's attention. On top of everything, she just went through a domestic violence situation w/ her husband, of which I was asked not to tell the family. She barely could tell me. UGH. She is trained in domestic violence too & has a whole career in helping people on a pretty major scale too. They are in counseling now, but it doesn't seem great to me. She is finishing up grad school & it seems to keep her anchored right now, but she's another one who just won't listen & attend to the deeper work. She's gotten far more codependent w/ my Mom since the children.

I have lived on the East Coast (they are in the Midwest) since 1991, and I have a sister, and two half-brothers who live in the West with our Dad. We all share the same father, who is mostly cool, but recently fell off the wagon last year & so it's been drama city out there too. Gah- as I write all of this, it sounds like never-ending drama! I have to be careful not to get overly conditioned to that, and concerned w/ saving everyone.

My goal right now is figuring out what is right and wrong. My compass is skewed, and my mother via her anger & entitlement seems to push for Far North. I want to find my own North. I don't want the compass to be internalized. She even jokes about how "it's all about me" because people complain about her self-centeredness, but it's not funny. My goal is to find strength in my truth, and not to be knocked down by the bullying. It's amazing what lengths people will go to not look at themselves.

[Justadude]

Your mom is bat sh!t crazy. I can see why you'd get paranoid about the bat coming in and smothering you with a pillow with all that crazy incoherent babble running from her trap. Who knows what she'd do next. I hope you laugh at this I really do.

I hope you feel better and figure out whats left and right. Take care. Feel better.

[Rose Tiger]

Hey Shayna,

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD mother, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.