I need help in how to respond rather soon if possible

[somuchlove]

I just have a hard time figuring out how to respond.  Many here have helped me but when my dd text me today after a couple months i just want to respond correctly.  I know i have to valadate.  Why is this so hard for me.  Anyway,

She is on a roll --   her bf's son does have a lot of issues.  He is rather out of control.  It scares my dd.  it causes lots of conflict.  I try to take what my dd says as bad but it is hard sometimes because i know she over reacts.  I am always afraid that I try to downplay.  not good I know.

Anyway if some of you could help me know how to respond rather soon i would really appreciate it.

Of course dd won't text me or talk until things are not good.   .  i got a bunch of text a little while ago saying, 

This is so funny, lololololo  ha ha you all think i am so stupid guess i am really stupid.  bf gave son a knife  ( 10 yrs old)for Christmas, he goes around stabbing diaper boxes, on the face of the baby, then he also kicks and kicks the dog.  But that is ok, for him to kick the dog and make "my son" cry because he is hurting the dog.  We are all not good and I guess the dog isn't good either.    But then mom , you don't care cause you have always gone along with BF saying I am crazy and there is nothing wrong with bf son.    ha ha ha    life is so great here.  You don't care.  Someday he may just stab the dog or the baby or someone and you will all laugh.

bf and dd have 1 yr old together. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

Oh my!

Can you validate that she is very correctly identifying that her stepson's behavior is concerning without getting into her edgy comments about you?

[somuchlove]

I sure can try.  I think I have learned to not respond or at least try to not respond to what she says about me.  I just get hung up on what words to use.  What comes to me is,  that is really tough, frustrating, etc. which isn't validating.  i just get so hung up on what to say.  She is good at taking what i say and throwing it right back.  I just need someone to write it all out for me... .  

[Speedracer]

How about, "I am sorry to hear that you are having such a challenging time. It must be difficult having to care for two boys such different ages along with your boyfriend and the dog. I love you, I care about you, and I am confident that you will make the best choices you can for your family situation. I have been pretty busy here and have not discussed your business with anyone. Life, we all know can be a challenge. I will keep you in my prayers as you work through this, one day, one moment at a time. Love, Mom  O"

[Eclaire5]

That sounds great speedracer. I think that would be the perfect text for you to use. Hope it goes well 

[somuchlove]

I may shorten it a little.      She just text me and said,  Why don't you help me?  Should I go to the DSS and try to talk to someone there.  Not sure what that is.  I don't want to give her advice.  I do want, like you said to let her know I care, and know she can figure something out.  Sometimes she resents it being put in her court.  Takes it like I don't care.  I one time text her back and said that is tough,  What can I do.  Wow,  every text i got from her ended with "that is tough".  I know i didn't validate.  I just have so much trouble .  I need a s.cript that I can fill in the words

[MammaMia]

If you believe your dd, can you calmly suggest to her that a 10 year old should not be "playing" with a knife?  If the child's father is not aware of what is going on, he should be told, and then he should be the one to discuss it with his child.  Most likely he will respond better if confronted by his father.  If this fails, perhaps you could speak directly with the bf --- depending on your relationship with him.

It sounds like someone needs to find the cause for this 10 year old's anger.  Acting out with a knife and kicking the dog is NOT normal.  

If you do not respond, I am afraid your dd will see the situation either as acceptable to you or she may assume that you do not care that she is frightened and asking for help. Make it clear you are concerned about her welfare and the baby's welfare --- as well as the older boy. If you ignore her, nothing will change.  

[Speedracer]

dd obviously knows the 10 yr old has probs & that the bf is not helping w that. She is trying to suck you in & project onto you. I'm thinking dd can figure it out. I'm thinking validate, empathize and keep a healthy distance. You are right though, You have to respond someway somehow, and soon. Pretend you are her therapist. What would a good therapist say to her? Be dispassionate, upfront, and leave these adult problems to the adult who chose to be in this situation - your dd.

Just my humble opinion, don't mean to sound bossy. I bet some of the ambassadors & advisors on here can give some real good more well stated ideas... .  

[somuchlove]

This boy has issues.  Our dd has been worried about him and that has been a big issue in their relationship.  bf had a horrible experience with his step mom and so it is hard for him.  the son has total control over dad.  dad can't even make him go to bed, put him in time out.  bf has gone to counseling about his son.  I encouraged my dd to go with him because I can't think that what bf is saying is what a counselor is really saying nor is bf relaying how son really is.  It is tough.  because of the BPD in my dd life is horrible rocky with their relationship anyway.  I think bf tries but never can please or do the right thing.  But he isn't doing anything about his son either.  Bf has visited with me about his son.  I am a teacher and work with difficult kids.  ( I know that may surprise you, saying well then she should know how to respond to her dd.  The answer is my brain just turns to mush with her.  It has been a very hard last 10 yrs or more.)  br is receptive to my thoughts but still doesn't not see the reality of the picture.  The older they get the less control you have and they really want direction.  Love is not show by giving in.  He has a difficult ex wife and so it goes on and on.  

I think my dd is perceptive and really good at parenting and has great ideas when it comes to these things.  If she were allowed to help him it would work.  She is good with her own children.  Except for the roller coaster of her own life which is tough on them.  I think she is scared that his son may be the one that murders them in their sleep.  Is that BPD or reality.  So hard to know.  

[somuchlove]

speedracer, you are right she is trying to draw me in.  She is very good at this and then I feel I have to MAKE IT ALL BETTER.  Which i know I can't. After weeks of her not responding to my, Hi how are you guys, did the Christmas gifts fit, etc.  she hits me with stuff like this.   


. She is trying to suck you in & project onto you. I'm thinking dd can figure it out. [/quote]

[griz]

Maybe you could also add that you are glad that she realizes that this is not normal behavior for a 10 year old boy and how responsible it is of her to be concerned.  You could even add that you don't want to meddle in her affairs especially since she seems to know what to do but if she needs advice she could reach out to you.

Griz

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

How does this boy react to his biological mother?   Maybe he would prefer to be with her?

[somuchlove]

Supposedly she has no trouble with him.  I am pretty sure he is not allowed to behave that way.  He seems to do ok in school.  His mom has interesting ways of thinking.  Supposedly she drinks a lot, though. Has said some pretty nasty things about my dd.  BUT   I don't know the real truth.

my dd children 11, 10 and of course the baby can't but they can fix their own breakfast or whatever if need be, go to bed when told, get time outs for fighting etc.  They clean up their stuff.  His son refuses to do anything, won't go to bed, flashes lights on and off in the bedroom, keeps them awake, lots and lots of stuff. bf lets him come up and just sleeps on the coach with him or lets him watch tv until late.  He won't eat what my dd fixes for food, and it is kid friendly meals, so bf fixes him diff food.  I have seen him really manipulate, even at a family gathering once.  Oh well.  crazy because bf is a nice guy.  my dd can't afford on her own.  i worry about being caught in helping her move, etc.  we have already paid out so much. 

[MammaMia]

Sounds like the boy wants attention.  Negative attention is better than no attention.  Obviously, he wants his father to "belong" to him.  Fear of abandonment?  Jealousy?  Dad needs to set down some rules and follow-through. 

If all else fails, maybe living with Mom for a while will make a strong statement as to what is acceptable behavior and what is not.  Or even shared custody -- unless her drinking is a major issue.  It would also give your dd and bf a break from the stress.

Would biological Mom help?

[somuchlove]

They have shared custody.  I totally agree that he wants to be in total control.  There are lots of issues.  No Mom will not help out.  I guess she has told dad that she has no trouble and he needs to make him behave.  Dad has tried to get custody but struggles with child support.  Crazy crazy.  And then he and my dd think they could afford a baby.  But that is what is... .  now that is falling apart.  He really does well with his dd, sister of this boy.  She behaves very well.  Brother has hurt her thought,  it is scary because i do think he may be capable of hurting people.   Dad is just so out of touch with his son.  He is great with my dd children and his other dd and the baby.  I told bf that if he can't expect his son to sit in time out, or go to bed, then how is he going to handle the big things like driving the car, etc.  the rules get tougher and more dangerous if not able to control.  Parents don't see this.

[MammaMia]

Yes, as he grows older things will definitely get worse.  By the time he reaches his teens they may all be in danger, as you said.

They need to have this child evaluated.  No one wants or deserves to live in fear of their child.  I have been there.  My son is BPD with schizo-affective disorder.  By the time I realized he had real problems, I was divorced from his alcoholic father.  He was 15: started drinking (alcohol and BPD do NOT mix), in and out of trouble and jail until he ended up in prison for felony DUI. He had been in alcohol treatment 4 times.  Nothing helped.  I was certain he had psychological issues but no one would listen ... .  he was just a toxic, suicidal drunk.  Period.  Of course, being BPD, he could convince local doctors and therapists of anything he wanted... .  mostly that everything he did was MY fault.

Fortunately, while he was in prison he was forced to undergo psychological evaluation

where doctors saw right through his disguise and games.  That is where he was diagnosed.  After one year of intense therapy there and another year of therapy in a half-way house after he was released, he FINALLY has a good understanding of his illness.  We both do.  Prison saved his life and NAMI has been a life-saver for me.  Sober for 6 1/2 years and a devoted AA member, he now struggles with full-blown BPD.  He is 38 years old.

There are known issues.  Please insist the parents of this child have him evaluated by a physician.  It may save your family years of terror, turmoil, heartbreak and ultimately may save him from self-destruction.  The older he gets, the more complex these issues will become.  Do it while you still have some control over him.

[pattyt]

I think my dd is perceptive and really good at parenting and has great ideas when it comes to these things.

Maybe you could tell her this (above).  Ask her what she feels would be the right thing to do in this case.  Maybe she needs a sounding board.

Maybe she already knows what to do and needs you to provide the opportunity for her to come up with the answer rather than supply it yourself.

[lbjnltx]

Dear somuchlove,

 

Telling your d this very serious concern she has is "tough" or responding with a general statement about parenting would be experienced by her as minimizing... .  considering the seriousness of it.  It is still somewhat validating and at the same time... .  minimizing her concern which is invalidating... .  

While you don't want to advise, you do want to aid her in problem solving... .  and be willing to advocate if need be.  You can do this by asking validating questions.

Example:

DD... .  "This is so funny, lololololo  ha ha you all think i am so stupid guess i am really stupid.  bf gave son a knife  ( 10 yrs old)for Christmas, he goes around stabbing diaper boxes, on the face of the baby, then he also kicks and kicks the dog.  But that is ok, for him to kick the dog and make "my son" cry because he is hurting the dog... .    We are all not good and I guess the dog isn't good either.    But then mom , you don't care cause you have always gone along with BF saying I am crazy and there is nothing wrong with bf son.    ha ha ha    life is so great here.  You don't care... .    Someday he may just stab the dog or the baby or someone and you will all laugh."

Somuchlove... .  "I think you have great reason to be concerned about his behavior.  Do you think that you or the other kids are in imediate danger?  What do you think should be done?  How can I help?"

Listen to her replies... .  she may play the helpless victim and say something like... .  "there's nothing I can do."

You could reply "What would you like to see happen and let's take it a step at a time.  We can problem solve together."

Open communication with her.  It doesn't appear that you have any problem identifying with her fears or her position... .  focus on her situation and her feelings... .  they are warranted.

lbj

[jellibeans]

You have had some really good advise here and I would follow the ones you think are good.

Your daughter wants you to rescue her... .  again... .  solve her problems... .  again. That is a pattern that needs to stop. Does she want to you to fix it or give her advise?

I personally would wait for the boy to go to school then take the knife away and throw it in away... .  it just goes missing.

Worried about the dog? find it a new home.

Worried about your baby's safety... .  leave and don't come back until you feel safe... .  

Does she really not know what to do?

[somuchlove]

jellibeans  I appreciate your comments.  Yes I think she wants me to fix it, but not really , but I take over the responsiblity of trying to fix it then it becomes my fault if it doesn't work.  Yet, it is my fault if I don't tell her what to do. 

I have learned that I have to take out the words that are negative to me.  I look at them as,  I am hurting , I need you, you are my mom, etc.  That gets hard sometimes but nothing gained by being hurt by the words.  I know she knows and doesn't want to be mean.  It is just a lot of hurt, confusion and lack of control in her life. 

As far as getting ride of the dog, NO that is not an option.  He is wonderful and a big part of her and her boys life.  The bf son has a dog as well.  I agree with getting ride or putting the knife away until proper use of it is learned.  I doubt it is nothing more than a small knife but I have never been one to see any use in it and why should an 11 yr. old have one with those actions.  I don't know if dad is really able to take it away.  he just doesn't seem to do things like that. 

I can't worry about his parenting skills, for the most part unless he ask me.  He has before and we  have had good conversations.  My dd has even had him watch the Nanny show ( the one where she comes in and helps families) she has pointed out to him, the similairities but he just doesn't get it.  The whole divorce thing, I don't want to be hard on my kids when i don't see them often.  again he doesn't get it that the end result is not good and if he really wants to do the right thing he will make his child be appropriate.  How awful to be worried about controlling your child. 

[somuchlove]

FYI  I did get some text in the middle of the night from DD.  I didn't seem them until this morning. 

Here text consisted of,  I thought you cared about us, figured you could help since you work with kids all the time, but guess you don't love us, your grandkids enought to do that. I am realy freaked out but you don't care or don't believe me.  It is so coll to live with this.   I won't bother you again.

I responded with ... .  "I think you have great reason to be concerned about his behavior.  What do you think should be done?  How can I help?"

she has not text me back soo  I will c.

Not sure if I should just wait or text her to see how things are or if she had decided anything. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Perfect response!   The ball is now in her court!  I hope she does get back to you and then actually LISTENS to what you have to say.