BPD sex life?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am new here but have truly enjoyed discovering this community  

My BPDh makes very kinky, out of the blue requests for sexual things that he wants to do or me to do over the phone (he works 2 wks 900 miles away from home then home 2 wks).

Example; two nights ago he wanted me to drive home nude and let men see me nude (says because he wants the to desire me and he likes it because he knows they can't have me?)

Other examples are very similar. I have pretended to do this for him before to see his reaction and he honestly enjoyed it.

He went NC once after he asked if I would be with another man while he was gone. I said no way because it's cheating. His reply was, "not if we both agreed to it." I said well I don't agree. He then ended it by saying," I think you need to just go on with your life without me."

I'm wondering if this is due to him being raped by his uncle for an entire yr when he was 11 yrs old. He only does this when he's away at work.

Am I the only one who experiences these high sexual desires out of the blue from their BPD SO?

It makes me feel very degraded and undesired when he does it. It feels like he only desires control me and someone else that would be involved in his desire if it were to come true.

[mybabyssick]

I am new here but have truly enjoyed discovering this community  

My BPDh makes very kinky, out of the blue requests for sexual things that he wants to do or me to do over the phone (he works 2 wks 900 miles away from home then home 2 wks).

Example; two nights ago he wanted me to drive home nude and let men see me nude (says because he wants the to desire me and he likes it because he knows they can't have me?)

Other examples are very similar. I have pretended to do this for him before to see his reaction and he honestly enjoyed it.

He went NC once after he asked if I would be with another man while he was gone. I said no way because it's cheating. His reply was, "not if we both agreed to it." I said well I don't agree. He then ended it by saying," I think you need to just go on with your life without me."

I'm wondering if this is due to him being raped by his uncle for an entire yr when he was 11 yrs old. He only does this when he's away at work.

Am I the only one who experiences these high sexual desires out of the blue from their BPD SO?

It makes me feel very degraded and undesired when he does it. It feels like he only desires control me and someone else that would be involved in his desire if it were to come true.

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[kl315]

Well, my dBPDbf has requested that I do things to cause him pain during sex. I will not. At first he was upset that I would refuse to give him something he desired, and saw it as a lack of intimacy on my part. We've since thoroughly discussed it and it seems he understands my feelings... .  he hasn't asked for it since and I don't see that it's affected our physical relationship. But it did seem weird. He swears he wasn't abused and given all the other things he's shared with no hesitation, I tend to believe him.

The other thing that was more problematic was his insistance that I send him photos via text... .  of a somewhat pornographic nature. I've sent him some rather tame pics, but he basically said that since we live so far apart and only see each other every few months, I should be want to accomodate him in this way. I'm a mom, with a good job and a family. I've seen how damaging such photos can be if the wrong person gets a hold of them. Besides, I'm not overly inhibited but I just feel really dumb doing it. This continues to be an issue which makes me feel a little objectified. He once questioned my love for him over it.

Driving home naked? Not only uncomfortable but possibly illegal. Is it possible he just wants you to fantasize with him about it or do you think he literally wishes for you to do this?

[mybabyssick]

He literally wants pictures showing I'm doing it. So it's more than a fantasy. Im afraid that this all stems back to him being sexually assaulted and raped and he just need serious counseling to learn his boundaries.

I'm mainly wondering if this is typical BPD behavior (of course not with all BPD)?

[Seahorse1]

I think your husband has what is called "cuckold" fetish... .  My bf has it... .  There's not much info on it on the web... .  When you look it you mostly find porn that is related to the fetish ... .  

Basically it turns them on for their wife to be with another man... .  There is also an aspect of getting off on being humiliated... .  

Once I understood it better I was able to occasionally enjoy indulging his fantasies... .  Not in real life but just pretending... .  

My concern is he was sexually abused as a child and it bothers me that he enjoys feeling humiliated... .  

But he begs me to do it because it turns him on soo much... .  

The other confusing part is he is extremely insecure and jealous... .  

So in a time span of hours I can go from assuring him I have never cheated etc... .  To him begging me to tell him stories of me having sex with other men!

[ts919]

Am I the only one who experiences these high sexual desires out of the blue from their BPD SO?

It makes me feel very degraded and undesired when he does it. It feels like he only desires control me and someone else that would be involved in his desire if it were to come true.

Not sure if this is 100% related or not, but my uBPDw goes through these phases (usually a few days after a major melt-down) where she has a HUGE desire for sex - to the point where she even makes comments about how she thinks she has a problem herself.  I mean, most guys would probably tell me to shut up and be greatful, but I honestly kind of feel degraded as my desire is usually really really low after one of her episodes; I feel like I'm being controlled.  I mean, like she could have sex non-stop all day long - just constantly turned on.  It gets to a super annoying point and I find myself getting really agitated by it!

[passivewife]

I can totally understand each of you here!  My BPDh is very sexual in nature - He often texts me during the day while i am at work with explicit things he wants to do to me or vice versa... .  It seriously disgusts me.  When we are engaged he talks dirty about people we know asking if I would want to be with them or if I want him to be with one of my friends.  It is a complete Turn OFF to where sometimes I just have to look at him and say STOP!  I try to engage in his fantasies of dress up or toys or whatever just to passify him. Instead of passifying him it makes him want it even more often.  I really don't enjoy it 90% of the time.  But it seems that his irritability or anger gets worse if more than 2 days to by without him having sex.  Even if he is working out of town and comes home he seems irritated with me that he hasn't had it!  Seriously? Atleast once a week he is wanting an all out Sex-stravaganza that lasts for hours.  I am just not interested in that!  But in the end I give in the keep the peace in my house... .    It's degrading - and frankly Annoying... .    Anyone else in this situation?

[CodependentHusband]

... .  usually really really low after one of her episodes; I feel like I'm being controlled.  I mean, like she could have sex non-stop all day long - just constantly turned on.  It gets to a super annoying point and I find myself getting really agitated by it!

Sounds like a typical pull cycle to me. Don't be surprised if you find that this behavior changes after you get some more stability in the r/s... .  now, I MISS those intense pull cycles from my wife sometimes, because it's a couple of times a month now instead of 4 to 8... .  BUT... .  I have WAY more peaceful days in an average 30-day month, so, I guess it's all about balance.


On the subject that started this thread, I don't think it is a BPD-specifc thing at all; however, I think that BPDtends to magnify some of the underlying personality traits for people that have it. I think that my wife has some aversion to sex, which exhibits itself in very different ways that what you desacribe, but, in the end, it's every bit as dysfunctional and can cause a lot of pain if we let it.