Breaking away

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have an upcoming court date for divorce. I have been separated for about a month. My soon to be ex texts daily. Usually dozens or hundreds of times. At this point I have not gone no contact. I do not reach out to her at all. It would be my preference that she not reach out to me. I have shared this with her. She says she is not ready to let go. She vascilates between being apologetic and being on the edge of a rage. She has no intention of giving me peace. She sometimes sees how she is doing me but seems unable to stop. Of course i have not been strong enough to just not reply. For starters I am afraind of what she is going to do and how she will increase the pressure if i stop. She is living in my house and im afraid of damage she may do. I am afraid to be totally clear with her. I know where that will lead and it wont be good. Why is she unable to stop. She has no intention of ever letting me go. She tells everyone what a louse i am but i am sure she does not tell them she contacts me non stop unsolicited. I just want her to leave me alone so that i may begin to heal. My therapist asks why I reply. She doesnt have to deal with the aftermath of not replying. I've just never been a part of anything like this. She has hope. She has no intention of letting that hope go. Even if it means that she woud keep me knowing that I am unwilling and want out. Its just awful.

[lost007]

I have an upcoming court date for divorce. I have been separated for about a month. My soon to be ex texts daily. Usually dozens or hundreds of times. At this point I have not gone no contact. I do not reach out to her at all. It would be my preference that she not reach out to me. I have shared this with her. She says she is not ready to let go. She vascilates between being apologetic and being on the edge of a rage. She has no intention of giving me peace. She sometimes sees how she is doing me but seems unable to stop. Of course i have not been strong enough to just not reply. For starters I am afraind of what she is going to do and how she will increase the pressure if i stop. She is living in my house and im afraid of damage she may do. I am afraid to be totally clear with her. I know where that will lead and it wont be good. Why is she unable to stop. She has no intention of ever letting me go. She tells everyone what a louse i am but i am sure she does not tell them she contacts me non stop unsolicited. I just want her to leave me alone so that i may begin to heal. My therapist asks why I reply. She doesnt have to deal with the aftermath of not replying. I've just never been a part of anything like this. She has hope. She has no intention of letting that hope go. Even if it means that she woud keep me knowing that I am unwilling and want out. Its just awful.

[lost007]

In addition, if I do reply-she says-see if you wanted away from me you wouldn't reply. I say i reply because I am afraid of what you will do if I don't. She says noone would by that. I am like a dog who stays near the owner because it is being beaten and knows the beating will escalate if I try and complietely break away. I would like her to remain calm til the divorce. I am trying to straddle a fence I know. It should not be necessary to do this. One human should not be able to do this to another. She feels justified doing this to me because she says she has gone back to me in the past when she shouldn't have. I have moved out of the house. It doesn't even phase her! It is like something from a movie. I am beyond stressed. I don't want to tell my therapist because she will get frustrated with me. I have had sex with my stbex once since the separation. Any of you ever just been stuck when she just would not let go.

[Surnia]

lost007

so sorry! Divorcing high conflict persons is hard hard work. 

When the relationship is/was unhealthy, it is rarely that a separation or divorce goes smoothly.

I read your expectations:

It should not be necessary to do this. One human should not be able to do this to another.

I know this very well. I was there too. Could be me. It has to do with boundaries. I had very weak boundaries, I was living with the expectation that when I do not harm other people, they are doing the same with me. Wrong. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I had to learn to watch my boundaries and be aware who is stepping over. A lion stays a lion, I can smile at him, but he will eat me when he is hungry.

Perhaps this article could be helpful: Don't be Passive When Divorcing High Conflict Partners.

Dozens and hundred texts are too many in my opinion! Is there anything you can do against?

[lost007]

Legally I don't think so. I have responded. Afraid what will happen if I don't. She is in my house waiting divorce. Suspect vandalism , etc if I upset her. Just seems reasonable that she would stop if asked. She just won't. This pathology is amazingly pervasive and almost surreal to watch and be a part of. Thanks for the article suggestion.

[Surnia]

lost007

You may also look at this board:

Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody. This is for all legal questions. The guys there are very good with all the legal stuff.

And sure, continuing here on board is always useful.