Trying the big T...

[really]

Well it's a year tomorrow since I last spoke to my ex face to face.  That night she threw herself at me, told me how much she loved me, told me she had just panicked after Xmas after her brother in law made a comment about how she and I would be getting married the following year (last year), spoke about our future, told me to "shut up and kiss her"... .  made me feel like things were going to be ok... .  24 hours later she shut me out when I sent her a text simply saying... .  "wasn't sure how we left it last night... .  did you want to (1) have a break (2) work things out"... .  

She of course was seeing my replacement and had been texting him that night and laughing at his texts... .  denied it of course, it was something funny that her flatmate sent her ... .  

Anyway, I have spent most of the last year trying to work out W... .  T... .  F... .  happened, and it was thanks to a conversation with a psychologist I went to see (but only had a few sessions with) that I discovered the world of BPD... .  and my friends here have opened my eyes even further to reality.

But for me, that hasn't been enough to fully detach, and focus on me.

So (finally) I made an appointment to go see a psychologist whose speciality is in BPD relationships.   I am now on the other side of the world from my ex, so could not continue with the psychologist I saw previously but I am hoping that going and speaking to someone who really understands BPD will help.

I hope so anyway... .  I can't be living another year like the last one.

When I went home after the last night I saw my ex I was incredibly happy... I really thought that we had left those difficult moments behind.  Little did I know that the gates of hell were about to open and I was going to be dropped into a world of shame, gaslighting, abuse and silent treatment.      Of course much of that also existed in the time I was with her, it's just that my co-dependency and failure to pay attention to the massive red flags took precedence over reality.

Can't tell you how much I appreciate the support I've had on this site though.  Has kept me functioning (albeit it at about 1% of normal capacity) through some really tough moments.

Would be interested to hear how other people have found therapy.  What insights (other than the obviously ones of our own core wounds) they have found.

[bpdspell]

Hey really,

I tried two therapists before the one I'm with now. The first two had no clue about BPD therefore they were really unprepared to handle my level of emotional pain. Believe it or not I learned more from reading BPD books, BPD family, and websites on narcissism than I did with my first two therapists.

The third one has been a charm because she's familiar with trauma bonds, mental illness, narcissism and childhood abuse and she works like a charm. I'm no longer in crisis mode but I still see her weekly for emotional tune-ups and simply to have someone neutral to express difficult feelings with. I decided a long time ago that my friends weren't equipped to deal with the heavy hearted stuff and now I recommend therapy to any and everyone. It saved my life in more ways than I could ever count.

Spell