Any success stories after setting boundaries with your mother?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My BPD (Waif-type) mother is also grandmother to my 5 year old son. Two incidents have made me realize that not only do I have to set boundaries for my emotional safety but now have to set limitations on her visits with him for his physical safety.

I am thinking about following some advice to sit down and talk to her and explain in a very straightforward way WHY I am setting these boundaries and what they will be, no matter her reaction.

I am thinking holidays and birthdays only. No driving in the car with my son (she was recently in a TERRIBLE accident with him -- no one was hurt thank god but she totaled the almost brand new car my brother recently gave her-- I actually forgave her because it was an accident after all but her subsequent behavior has made me realize she is off the rails and that was the reason for the accident. The police report made it clear it was entirely her fault.)

I guess I want my son to have some kind of relationship with his grandmother. He has just lost his father, my husband's entire family lives very far away in another country, my father is an NPD (and an un-treated survivor of very bad childhood abuse trauma) living across the country. She appear stable with limited contact. I knew better than to lean on her in a time of crisis but I guess she seemed like she had gotten it together and I felt I had nowhere to turn. Now, I have to restrict her contact big time even though she has spent a lot of time with us over the last year.

Any success stories? Any advice? Before I had my son I was almost completely no contact with her, for my own sanity. I guess family complicates things.

[keolani]

My BPD (Waif-type) mother is also grandmother to my 5 year old son. Two incidents have made me realize that not only do I have to set boundaries for my emotional safety but now have to set limitations on her visits with him for his physical safety.

I am thinking about following some advice to sit down and talk to her and explain in a very straightforward way WHY I am setting these boundaries and what they will be, no matter her reaction.

I am thinking holidays and birthdays only. No driving in the car with my son (she was recently in a TERRIBLE accident with him -- no one was hurt thank god but she totaled the almost brand new car my brother recently gave her-- I actually forgave her because it was an accident after all but her subsequent behavior has made me realize she is off the rails and that was the reason for the accident. The police report made it clear it was entirely her fault.)

I guess I want my son to have some kind of relationship with his grandmother. He has just lost his father, my husband's entire family lives very far away in another country, my father is an NPD (and an un-treated survivor of very bad childhood abuse trauma) living across the country. She appear stable with limited contact. I knew better than to lean on her in a time of crisis but I guess she seemed like she had gotten it together and I felt I had nowhere to turn. Now, I have to restrict her contact big time even though she has spent a lot of time with us over the last year.

Any success stories? Any advice? Before I had my son I was almost completely no contact with her, for my own sanity. I guess family complicates things.

[Speedracer]

Boundaries are vital. The good things about boundaries - they are All About YOU. You set them, you stick to them, modify them, remove old ones, put new ones up. Decide what you need for you and your son and put those boundaries in place. "When you hit__, I feelhit__, If you continue to hit__, I willhit__." If you decide it's best not to have her in your life that is perfectly fine too, it doesn't have to be forever, it can be a short period of time. Always keep emotions out of it. When you set boundarie,s speak as though you are a school teacher: calm, directive, and unemotional. Repeat in the same tone the same way if necessary. Have your mom repeat what you said back to you to make sure she clearly understands.

I think main reasons I've had success with boundaries after many years of struggle: 1) I moved far away. Each time I returned for a visit I was reminded of why I left in the first place. 2) I have many siblings, some who didn't need or use boundaries with her. They occupy her time and she leaves me alone. They will also be caring for her as she ages because she has kept them dependent on her for company & security - abandonment issues.

[Eeoye1]

I agree with Speedracer.   I use 'nurse voice' instead of 'school teacher' with my mother but same thing. 

Some success I have had is I refuse to react to anything... .  good or bad... .  up or down, my behavior stays the same.  She pouts, I ignore it.  She gets upset... I do what I was going to do anyway.  I stay level.  She has pretty much figured out I am not going to bend to her.  You can't predict dictact or expect behavior from someone with BPD, only what you do.  When my son was 8 I decided not to bring him to my mothers anymore.  There was an incident and I get around it now.  I have a hard time with telling parents with BPD what the boudries are... .  and I think in theory it would be a good idea but with someone with BPD, I don't think they can understand.  It's not something I ever did.  I decided and did it.  I didn't tell her. 

That's not to say I don't ever slip.  This Christmas she did something that was soo mean, and if it was me that would be fine but it was my son.  I called her and tried to calmly tell her this was wrong.  She freaked and hung up on me.  I shouldn't have callled but I was pissed.  It was the first time I've done that in years.  I'm not saying you shouldn't tell her, I'm just saying for me it was more trouble than it was worth.  I'd only get in deeper.

I, like Speedracer live far away from her... (three hours) and that does help. 

I think what I'm trying to say is keep the focus on you and your son. 

Take care. 

[justnothing]

Well I tend to think that I wasn't very good at setting boundaries with my own mother but actually I did manage to get her to understand a lot of things over time… like how seeing each other naked, physical contact, and her entering my room were totally, absolutely forbidden… over time she also gave up on trying to ask me about my personal life.

Each thing took a lot of time (literally years) but we got there eventually with a number of things and I'd say the main way of getting there is by being consistent and persistent.

[Cordelia]

I went NC with my mother and consider it a success - I am much happier!     My mom is also a Waif type and can seem manageable at times so it was a tough decision.  But I decided it just wasn't possible for me to put in the kind of energy that is required to make a relationship with a BPD work.  I just don't have the patience, the objectivity, and the ability to tolerate bad behavior that is necessary with her.  I still wanted love and validation from her, and she used that to play me like a violin.  Since going NC, I have found it easier to see how pernicious her behavior has been, and do not miss having her in my life one bit.  Coming to terms with my own loss and sadness over my childhood has been much easier without her to keep dredging up old wounds for her own purposes. 

I am currently pg, and thinking about how I will explain her absence to my kids when they are born, so I imagine it is tough.  But I honestly do not want her to have a relationship with them.  If it is so tough for me to handle her, how could I expect a child to do better?  I want to protect them from her malice, lies, and manipulation.  She can bring nothing positive to their lives.  And as for her "rights" to see them, well, she should have thought about how much she wanted a relationship with her grandkids when she was treating me the way she did.  She made her own bed, now she has to lie in it.