catch 22 - anyone else?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So here I find myself, and not liking it much.

5 months separated, no contact at all for just over a month.

I have done all kinds of self-examination.  I do not want anything to do with her or anyone like her.  I acknowledge I do not trust myself if she tried to recycle, so I am thankful for the 1400 mile distance.  Usually I believe I am strong enough to stay out, but why risk it?

Anyway, that is not my problem right now.

I cannot concentrate on work.  My output is so low, I should fire me.

I am too often emotionally unstable.  I still lose it to some degree every 7 to 10 days.  My nuttiness is pushing away the very people I need close to me now - my eldest son, for example.  And this does not help me to rebuild my relationship with my other three children, either - they are currently out of contact with me.

I eat well, I sleep.

I try to get out the door to do healthy things - I don't accomplish much in that way, but i do get out about twice per week.

BUT... .  the catch-22 is that I need people in my life, but my emotional instability drives them away.  I need to rebuild my self-esteem, but my inability to function at work or to be a healthy person in a friendship or with my children tear down my self-esteem.

I used to solve problems.  Sure, I had flaws.  But I worked very hard and very effectively, and no problem was insurmountable.  I could relate with people in my life at least well enough to establish and maintain some semblance of relationships.  Now I cause problems, and bring my problems to others.  Pushing people away.

I am a mess, I do not like who I am now, I know who I want to be, but I just cannot seem to get there.  Be patient with yourself, you might tell me.  I tell me this.  But I am not getting anywhere, and I am, in fact, losing bits of the few relationships I have left.  Be patient?  Every day I fail to produce at work hurts everyone around me and their families.  I have no more time for patience for myself, and those around me have no more time to wait for me to produce.  Therapy?  Tried it.  Meds?  Tried many - they all made things worse.

It is on me now.  Not blaming anyone else.  Nobody else to blame.  Catch-22, and I have been unable to break through, and I am about out of time.

[morningagain]

So here I find myself, and not liking it much.

5 months separated, no contact at all for just over a month.

I have done all kinds of self-examination.  I do not want anything to do with her or anyone like her.  I acknowledge I do not trust myself if she tried to recycle, so I am thankful for the 1400 mile distance.  Usually I believe I am strong enough to stay out, but why risk it?

Anyway, that is not my problem right now.

I cannot concentrate on work.  My output is so low, I should fire me.

I am too often emotionally unstable.  I still lose it to some degree every 7 to 10 days.  My nuttiness is pushing away the very people I need close to me now - my eldest son, for example.  And this does not help me to rebuild my relationship with my other three children, either - they are currently out of contact with me.

I eat well, I sleep.

I try to get out the door to do healthy things - I don't accomplish much in that way, but i do get out about twice per week.

BUT... .  the catch-22 is that I need people in my life, but my emotional instability drives them away.  I need to rebuild my self-esteem, but my inability to function at work or to be a healthy person in a friendship or with my children tear down my self-esteem.

I used to solve problems.  Sure, I had flaws.  But I worked very hard and very effectively, and no problem was insurmountable.  I could relate with people in my life at least well enough to establish and maintain some semblance of relationships.  Now I cause problems, and bring my problems to others.  Pushing people away.

I am a mess, I do not like who I am now, I know who I want to be, but I just cannot seem to get there.  Be patient with yourself, you might tell me.  I tell me this.  But I am not getting anywhere, and I am, in fact, losing bits of the few relationships I have left.  Be patient?  Every day I fail to produce at work hurts everyone around me and their families.  I have no more time for patience for myself, and those around me have no more time to wait for me to produce.  Therapy?  Tried it.  Meds?  Tried many - they all made things worse.

It is on me now.  Not blaming anyone else.  Nobody else to blame.  Catch-22, and I have been unable to break through, and I am about out of time.

[Want2know]

It is on me now.  Not blaming anyone else.  Nobody else to blame.  Catch-22, and I have been unable to break through, and I am about out of time.

You are looking at this with a pessimistic eye, and I do understand why and how that can happen.  I find myself in that boat, too, sometimes - you and I have chatted about that before.  Then, I work through what my options are... .  at first they may not be apparent, but there are opportunities out there where you can see that the glass is half full.  You have to vow to adopt a positive outlook - make a conscious decision to not focus on the 'negative' and instead focus on the positive things that you can do for yourself.  Don't tell me there aren't any things that you can do to help yourself, because I'm going to challenge you. 

We are here for you when you are feeling troubled.  I hope you know that.   

[turtle]

michael999 ---



Eleven years ago, I was exactly where you are right now.  I didn't have any children to alienate, but I was sure alienating the very people that I should have been trusting!

I am self employed - have been for 26 years.  Eleven years ago, I completely shut down from my own business -- and that lasted for a very long time. For about 3 years, I just didn't give a ___ and it has cost me... .  dearly. My business has never fully recovered from that 3 year period. And even though I've been back at it for a good 8 years, I've never really come back with the motivation that I used to have.  How I haven't lost my business is a mystery to me.  I'm just grateful that I haven't.  

Like you, I went to therapy. I was on anti depressants.  I cried all the time. I made myself physically ill with my own despair.

One day, I just had to buck up and put myself in motion.  I forced myself to do the things I knew I had to do to.  It was awful. I hated it and every single day, I swore I wouldn't make it through.  But... .  I DID.  I went to work and pretended to care. And for me... .  that's where my re-entry into life started.  At that point, work was really all I could do.  I'd go to work, come home, fall apart, and go to bed.  I did this for about six months --- and ONLY this.  Eventually, the days got easier and I started to see friends again and then other parts of my life started to get back to normal.  It took a long time.

I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me... .  I had to decide that I wasn't going to lose everything that I had built because I had dropped out.

Don't know if that helps or not.  

Man... .  I feel your pain.

turtle

[morningagain]

Hey W2K,

It is difficult to explain.  Most of my life I have been predominantly optimistic.  It is true I have lost a lot of my optimism.

But I have not given up.  My writing that I am "out of time" sounds bad - I should have been more clear - for every day that goes by that I am unproductive, it hurts my employees and their families, for every day that I become unstable and damage relationships, I may not ever get them back.  What I mean by "out of time" is there are potentially serious consequences to others and myself every single day now that I fail to produce, act like a nut, and otherwise fail to be a responsible and giving adult.

Certainly there are things I can do for myself.  I do some of them, working on doing more.

I am simply unable to function, and that becomes self-fulfilling - it attacks my self esteem and my identity which in turn makes it more difficult to function.  The daily damage I am causing to others and myself makes it more difficult to help myself or others which in turn attacks my self esteem and my identity and my productivity.

I am in my own spiral down, and it pisses me off.  This is not who I remember ever being.  Honestly, I do not anticipate anyone offering me a silver bullet to slay the beast I am battling.  Expressing here is at least doing something.  Ultimately, something has to change within me, and nobody is going to 'fix' me but myself.

Not to say I would turn down a silver bullet.  If anyone has a silver bullet, I would be forever in your debt  

I want to be independent, hard working, helpful, stable.  I believe this is what I am striving for, and I believe I am putting forth a lot of effort.  I just cannot find anything that works.  I don't know how to turn myself around.

[morningagain]

Hi turtle,

thank you for your reply.

Every day, I think I decide I am going to work hard, rebuild my company, do something wonderful for my children.

Then time ticks by.  My brain gets scattered.  My concentration fails.  I accomplish only about 5% of what I can accomplish.  Night falls.  People go home.  I cope.  except for that occasional night - then i set about to undermine myself and my relationships.

It is all so blazingly frustrating and humiliating.

Maybe tomorrow will be different.

[turtle]

Every day, I think I decide I am going to work hard, rebuild my company, do something wonderful for my children.

Well... .  outsider looking in... .  I think this is overwhelming.  You're setting yourself up to fail with trying to do all of that in one day.  Reading that makes ME feel like a failure and it's not even about ME!

Pick ONE small thing that you will do TODAY.  Just ONE. 

It's so hard to reframe our thinking when we're depressed, but you have to.

Try not to be comfortable in your discomfort.  The longer it goes on, the more comfortable and complacent we become.

ONE thing... .  Michael... .  Just ONE.  And eventually... .  tomorrow WILL be different.

turtle

[Maryiscontrary]

Michael, I know where you are coming from. I do let the people close to me know that I love them, but that I need alone time. They do understand. This helps keep people in touch. Drop some texts or emails to your kids telling them you love them. Very small steps.

I understand about the business part too.

However, I have eliminated almost every distraction. No TV or netflix. Very little junk food. I have a huge music collection that I am keeping put up. Just silence. I live in an RV, although very comfortable, limits accumulation and shopping.  This is not a time in my life to have a lot of complications and moving parts. This may be the case with you.

Henry david thoreau wrote much on simplicity, and it's effect on taking off heavy weights on the psyche. Would you like some links.

I do listen to dharma talks by various Buddhist teachers and monks. I am not religious. Most of these talks are reminders of the type of mental hygiene lessons on the board, like dealing with difficult emotions, or clinging, or suffering. Whenever I get mental, I put on a dharma talk.  I can send links for thousands of top flight talks. These are not dogmatic religious talks... .  I would not have the patience for such.

When I get mental, I concentrate on the impermanence. This pushes me to make the phone call or email to stay in touch with someone. Not extensively, but enough to let them know They are on your mind.

It sounds like you have gotten stuck in some part of the greiving stage. This is a real mechanical, neural tissue remodeling process. You may have to get to brass tacks with yourself. You may have to radically simplify in order to get back to basics and discover whats important. Rocky mountain high... .  

[redfeather]

Hi Micheal999,

I think what turtle expressed would be a start in the right direction. I too am in that place of trying to recover my get up and go. And what has worked for me is to ":)o the next right thing". It does not matter how small the step but a positive step in a direction that will make your life bigger (however you define bigger in your case what would be the next right thing to rebuild your business? to rebuild your most important relationships? that one small step (baby steps here please they do add up! cant eat an elephant in one sitting btw!)

For me bicycling every chance I get... doing the next right thing to rebuild my business (making that phone call to a new potential client, working on my mission statement for my life, reaching out to a person I have alienated and offering a apology if needed, journaling my feelings, eating healthy, plenty of sleep lotsa water, for me volunteer work has helped when I feel those dark clouds descending upon my mind.

Dont give up on you ever because we wont no matter how bad it gets...

I stand with you as you go through this rough spot!      

[morningagain]

Hi Mary,

I might be stuck in the grieving stage - hard to assess - it does not feel like it.  More like the sword has been removed from the wound, finally, but the damage is still there.  I just cannot concentrate so my work suffers terribly, and at times my emotions destabilize, and I say or do stupid things that hurt people and drive them away.  My life is pretty spartan nowadays.  I live in the office, I have about 7 channels on TV but for the most part just watch the news every other day and sometimes sports.  Many days the TV never goes on.  Music usually just triggers negative emotions, so I avoid music.  I have read a few books.  Concentrating on the impermanence of feelings is a good idea - just hope i am rational enough in those moments to remember to do so - LOL  Thank you for the offer of the links.  I do not know what the terms religious or spiritual quite mean - seems like those terms mean something different to different people - I am Roman Catholic and it helps when I go to Mass or confession, or read about some of the saints lives.  not sure i have the patience for listening to dharma talks - different strokes i suppose... .    thank you for the reply - it does help to know people care 

Hey reddeather - thanks - it is good to be reminded about baby steps - makes me laugh a little too because i then think about the bill murray movie.  a friend recently reminded me that if you are eating an elephant, and all you have is a teaspoon, then you eat it one teaspoon at a time 

anyway, i really appreciate y'all.

[Want2know]

My writing that I am "out of time" sounds bad - I should have been more clear - for every day that goes by that I am unproductive, it hurts my employees and their families, for every day that I become unstable and damage relationships, I may not ever get them back.  What I mean by "out of time" is there are potentially serious consequences to others and myself every single day now that I fail to produce, act like a nut, and otherwise fail to be a responsible and giving adult.

It seems to be that you have 3 concerns that you may need to compartmentalize.

1- Dealing with your grief for your wife

2- Working to bring your company into a place that you are more comfortable with

3- Maintaining healthy relationships with others

If you lump them all into one big pile, it's going to be difficult to manage and feel overwhelming.  Take a look at each one separately, and take steps in each one that you know will help you reach these goals.  It's not going to happen over night.  

[ambi]

This was an issue for me, more so in the r/s than in the exiting.  But, there were days were I was so wrapped up in the pain and confusion, I was not functioning well in the other areas of my life.  Somehow, ruminating and being in pain became my comfort zone.  I forced myself to start doing something different.

I took the mindfulness practices to heart.  When I'm at work, I'm at work.  I no longer check email or take internet breaks at work.  Work time is for work. That increased my productivity a lot.

With the kids, I found that creating some new rituals was great for us.  We have a family dinner once a week where we all contribute to menu planning and cooking.  We have rituals/traditions for the holidays and throughout the year now.  The reliability of a ritual really helped us and it's nice to look forward to doing those things. Sometimes, they call me now and say, "I had a crap day.  Can we have a dinner night?"  It's been good for all of us.

I searched the internet for some new hobbies that we could share. Some we liked, some we didn't.  It was fun to explore them together, though.   It was good for me to get out of the house and it was good for all of us to do something different.  Sometimes we road trip to a place we saw on tv, or go explore a new restaurant.  We've also started playing a sport together and found a couple of other things we enjoy.  Even their friends started wanting to join, so some days there are a whole pile of us heading off into the unknown.  The kids take the lead on this now and they have helped me to start discovering some really fun and interesting stuff in the world.

Are there some things you can do to start breaking out of the zone?  Is there one thing you can do today that's totally new, different, and gets you up and out? 

[seeking balance]

Volunteer... .  go help people less fortunate.  Kids, homeless... .  you will meet other volunteers that are kind and you will get out of "self".

Sometimes we all feel bad, it is life... .  get up and help someone else... .  it can change the spirit.  I am saying this because you said you did therapy, meds, exercise, sleep and nothing helps... .  if the basics don't help... .  get out of you own life and help someone else.

[Confusedandhurt]

Michael,

I too can relate to what you're going through.  Ever since my uBPDgf dumped me via a text message in July that she needed to move on, I've been a disaster.  My productivity at work has plummeted, yet I'm responsible for a large project and have 50 people who work for me.  It's a struggle to get through every day.  And what's worse for me - she told me that she does not want to get back together, but she contacts me every few weeks or so, followed by a request to me that I not contact her when I try to reciprocate.  I finally gave up and decided not to respond to any contacts from her from now on.

What has helped me somewhat are the following:

1.  Working with my doctor to find the right balance of meds for my depression.  Have had depression for about 10 years, but it got considerably worse when my r/s ended.  My meds still aren't quite right, but it's headed in the right direction.

2.  Working with a therapist who has experience with BPD.  It has helped a great deal to talk to someone who understands that behavior and disorder.  Often times I will spend the entire session asking her some variant of, "why does she do this... .  ".  Very hard to understand why her behavior are the way they are, when they are so different to my own.  As one fellow poster recently told me, she is like a garbage disposal, taking everything I gave and grinding it up and flushing it away, as if I never did anything at all.

3.  Reading these posts.  This board has been immensely helpful to me, as there are so many people who are hurting and going through the same things as you and I.  I have even been able to have offline conversations with a couple folks, getting more in-depth advice.  The folks on this site are really a special group.  We're trying hard to help each other.

I wish you God speed as you recover.  Take one day at a time and keep focusing on the fact that it's the disorder that has caused the damage.  It wasn't your fault.  And there are people here who care.

In support.

AUAE

[Surnia]

Hi michael

First a big 

It is hard sometimes.

A lot of helpful advices here. i would like to add: What about validating yourself each day at least once! spot on for little things. You smiled at someone in the office? Validate it! You noticed the blue sky? Great, michael.

Perhaps you could give it a try!

[gina louise]

Michael999,

How about positive reinforcements for when you are able to swallow a spoonful of the elephant?

If you e mail  3 new leads at work... .  take a walk, have a snack. Cuppa coffee.

If you call your son, try to have dinner with him, even take out food.

If you hit the gym... hit it HARD, and then have a refreshing drink/snack/hot tub... .  whatever, after.

REWARD your positive baby steps with more positives.

Do something different.

Read more, if you gravitate to RC... .  ask friends/Fathers what books they recommend?

Or take a LOOK at the Buddhist materials.

One does NOT have to change religions to be a good Buddhist. You can be RC and Buddhist. Or Muslim and Buddhist. Buddhism offers a different way to look at the mind, and Reality.

You sound like you are spinning in your own head a bit too much and it's really bothering you. the stress of pulling and holding it all together is getting to you.

Perhaps you are anxious... not depressed? There are different meds for that.

GL

[gina louise]

I forgot to add STAY NC. it really helps.

I  boldly predict that if you DO stay NC, in two weeks you will feel very differently.

And another month or two NC will make an even bigger difference!


It's for US, not for the other person.

GL

[lbjnltx]

Dear michael,

So sorry to hear the pain you are in.  You mention that you have tried everything... .  how about tending to your spirit... .  others have mentioned Buddhist teachings... .  I will mention... because I recall that you are a Christian... .  connecting with your God, remembering all that He has done for you, how much He loves you and what you  mean to Him.

Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you.  Focus on Him as a priority and you will be blessed.



Your friend in Christ lbjnltx

[Suzn]

Certainly there are things I can do for myself.  I do some of them, working on doing more.

Yes there certainly are things you can do for yourself. Specifically, what are you doing for yourself Michael? You said you eat well and are getting sleep, that's great, and that's specifically for you. What are you doing when you get out twice a week?

I am Roman Catholic and it helps when I go to Mass or confession, or read about some of the saints lives.

Have you considered a sit down with your pastor to discuss how you're feeling? What does your relationship with your higher power look like? Developing a relationship with my higher power helped me hand over some of my pain as I realized my lessons will come as I can handle them. 

  Expressing here is at least doing something.  Ultimately, something has to change within me, and nobody is going to 'fix' me but myself.

That's right coming here and expressing yourself is doing something. And the latter above is a very true statement. Michael your eyes have been opened by that bitter sweet blue pill, once we have seen we can't un-see. You are slowly taking responsibility for your own recovery. At times it's not fun, it doesn't feel good and it's awkward. Accepting that you are where your at in your recovery is key, not expecting an over night transformation. You are growing, with all the necessary growing pains. Sit with it, think of ways to self sooth instead of lashing out. This is how you can prepare for that 7th or 10th day before it comes. This is all part of taking responsibility for your recovery.

I want to be independent, hard working, helpful, stable.

Here is your goal. What does this guy look like? Picture him in your mind, often. Write this goal down, put it post it notes everywhere if you need to to remind yourself of your goal. Visualize what this guy does when he's taking care of himself, what makes him happy, successful, etc... Visualization is a tool, one that works if you chose to use it. The best part? It's free and easy to do.