Do peaceful days exist anymore?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As I was unpacking groceries this afternoon, my uBPDh noticed a brownish mark on the bottom of the canvas bag. He smelled it, determined it was oil, and asked why I didn't tell him that there was spilled oil in the car.

Me: I didn't know there was spilled oil.

Him: That's because you never look, you never use your 5 senses! Must I do EVERYTHING around here? I'm tired of always being the one to clean up after everyone! (Never mind the fact that he is home all day every day, and I've spent a good part of the weekend cleaning since he's not been feeling well.)

Me: I would have told you, but this is the first I've known about it.

Him: Quit making excuses! It must be nice to be ignorant of EVERYTHING that goes on! Now I have to go down and clean out the back of the car.

Me: I can understand how frustrating it must be to do something that you weren't expecting. I'll do it. I don't mind doing it. (At this point I'm thinking, it's my car, I can clean it. No reason to get in a twit!)

Him: YOU DON'T KNOW HOW! DON'T YOU GET IT?

At this point, he starts going off about how I don't hear, see, feel, think, etc. All I do is ignore him. (I am very frustrated at this point in our r/s. If I don't hear what he says, and ask him to repeat himself, he goes ballistic because I didn't hear him. I'm at the point now, do I even ask him to repeat himself when he mumbles or carry on like I heard him when I really didn't? Also, almost anything I say or ask trigger him. I asked him the other night if he'd like to see a certain movie with me. He replies, "I don't want to see it if it's not in English." I told him that it is in English, and would he like to see it with me? His response: Why must you make everything so complicated! And he rolled over to let me know he was going to sleep. I don't talk to him much anymore because almost every conversation ends in conflict like I just described.)

This is all in front of our 5D. She runs into her room to draw me a picture so that I won't feel sad. I follow her into her room with folded laundry in my hands and close the door. Of course, he follows still yelling with profanity to boot. I calmly tell him that I will be happy to talk with him when we're both calm, but I will not engage in conversation until we are both able to discuss things calmly.  This causes him to go off on how everything must be done on my time (hardly true!). After 5 more minutes, I asked my daughter to get her shoes and coat on. She did so without hesitation. I told my husband that we are going out, and there is no need to worry about us for dinner. 

Him: Sure, go and leave. Run away from reality. The reality that you never face!

He then throws the plastic container that had been in the back of my car into the apt. lobby and shouts: make yourself useful and take that down to recycling.

Me: Not when I'm asked like that I won't.

And I left it.

When my D and I got back our apt. was dark. I had her pick up her room and get ready for her bath. He emerges from our bedroom to go to the guest bedroom for the night (It's 6:50pm). I said his name, he walked right past me, into the guest room, and shut the door. He didn't come out to say goodnight to our daughter or anything. Behavior like this is becoming the norm. We had had about 5 days with no "episodes" until today. I'm tired. I can almost guarantee that he won't speak to me for another few days. I just want someone to tell me that I'm OK. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want my daughter growing up in an environment like this anymore. Life is way to short to live in misery like this. Thanks for letting me vent.

[GreenTea]

As I was unpacking groceries this afternoon, my uBPDh noticed a brownish mark on the bottom of the canvas bag. He smelled it, determined it was oil, and asked why I didn't tell him that there was spilled oil in the car.

Me: I didn't know there was spilled oil.

Him: That's because you never look, you never use your 5 senses! Must I do EVERYTHING around here? I'm tired of always being the one to clean up after everyone! (Never mind the fact that he is home all day every day, and I've spent a good part of the weekend cleaning since he's not been feeling well.)

Me: I would have told you, but this is the first I've known about it.

Him: Quit making excuses! It must be nice to be ignorant of EVERYTHING that goes on! Now I have to go down and clean out the back of the car.

Me: I can understand how frustrating it must be to do something that you weren't expecting. I'll do it. I don't mind doing it. (At this point I'm thinking, it's my car, I can clean it. No reason to get in a twit!)

Him: YOU DON'T KNOW HOW! DON'T YOU GET IT?

At this point, he starts going off about how I don't hear, see, feel, think, etc. All I do is ignore him. (I am very frustrated at this point in our r/s. If I don't hear what he says, and ask him to repeat himself, he goes ballistic because I didn't hear him. I'm at the point now, do I even ask him to repeat himself when he mumbles or carry on like I heard him when I really didn't? Also, almost anything I say or ask trigger him. I asked him the other night if he'd like to see a certain movie with me. He replies, "I don't want to see it if it's not in English." I told him that it is in English, and would he like to see it with me? His response: Why must you make everything so complicated! And he rolled over to let me know he was going to sleep. I don't talk to him much anymore because almost every conversation ends in conflict like I just described.)

This is all in front of our 5D. She runs into her room to draw me a picture so that I won't feel sad. I follow her into her room with folded laundry in my hands and close the door. Of course, he follows still yelling with profanity to boot. I calmly tell him that I will be happy to talk with him when we're both calm, but I will not engage in conversation until we are both able to discuss things calmly.  This causes him to go off on how everything must be done on my time (hardly true!). After 5 more minutes, I asked my daughter to get her shoes and coat on. She did so without hesitation. I told my husband that we are going out, and there is no need to worry about us for dinner. 

Him: Sure, go and leave. Run away from reality. The reality that you never face!

He then throws the plastic container that had been in the back of my car into the apt. lobby and shouts: make yourself useful and take that down to recycling.

Me: Not when I'm asked like that I won't.

And I left it.

When my D and I got back our apt. was dark. I had her pick up her room and get ready for her bath. He emerges from our bedroom to go to the guest bedroom for the night (It's 6:50pm). I said his name, he walked right past me, into the guest room, and shut the door. He didn't come out to say goodnight to our daughter or anything. Behavior like this is becoming the norm. We had had about 5 days with no "episodes" until today. I'm tired. I can almost guarantee that he won't speak to me for another few days. I just want someone to tell me that I'm OK. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want my daughter growing up in an environment like this anymore. Life is way to short to live in misery like this. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Shaktipat]

Hi Green Tea,

You are OK. I go through similar situations with my husband,  and I think you handled it really well. I can't control what he thinks or how he behaves,  I can only control my own actions and protect my child. If he wants to be angry,  he can be angry by himself. And he is not going to get me angry or engage me in a confrontation. He got angry by himself,  he can cool off by himself.

[Surnia]

Greentea

So familiar to me! The oil story could be exactly scripted by my xh. 

And I agree with Shaktipat, you did it well, protecting yourself and your daughter.

You are okay.

Your h sounds very deregulated, controlling and verbally abusive.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want my daughter growing up in an environment like this anymore. Life is way to short to live in misery like this. Thanks for letting me vent.

What is hindering you from leaving?

[numenal]

Hi,

I applaud your awareness of how the household atmosphere isn't good for you or your daughter. Having to continually employ a measured calm, having to leave your own home regularly, and having your significant other not looking at his own behavior is a very stressful way to live. Stress is lethal after awhile, or at the least very damaging to mind and body.

It's been five years since I was in a relationship with someone who had BPD (w/NPD traits). Now, as I come back (as I have over the years) to see how people are doing on this board, I'm reading these accounts of the people with BPD, and the quotes and behaviors are looking very clearly childlike. It's been known officially for some years that pw/BPD generally stay at an emotional level of age three. That's why there is no adult reasoning countering their reactions. Of course your husband need not make it his job (reluctantly and with annoyance as well as insults thrown your way) to clean an oil spot in your car. But he is not regarding the situation from a reasoned staNPDoint.

Adult understanding says, "Of course you needn't report to him that something spilled in your car. And it's completely okay if you didn't notice it right away, even for a week. That is your prerogative." But already the basis of the actual dialog between you is rooted in some very regressed thinking on his part. (That you must be a "perception machine" who never tries to "make excuses" for not noticing everything, everywhere at all times, and must tell him about it all. That you are incapable of cleaning a grease stain.)

You deserve much healthier than that. And so does your daughter.

[elemental]

So much of this stuff is him just being nasty and abusive to you.

You are fine. He on the other hand...

I am really sorry you are going through this.

Was there something that triggered him off on this extended raging? Some event a while back?

[GreenTea]

Thank you for your responses. It's nice to hear that I handled it well. I really have nobody close that I can share this with outside of this board. Shaktipat, you're right! He got angry by himself, he can cool down himself. I don't need to stick around for that, nor does my daughter. Numenal, I LONG for adult reasoning and understanding. Seriously, an accident happened (oil spilled. May I just say, HE was the one that put the container of oil there and it had leaked before.), there is no reason to get upset.

Was there something that triggered him off on this extended raging? Some event a while back?

I really don't know. This totally caught me off guard, although I had thought to myself earlier, it's been 4 days since the last rage, it's too calm to last much longer. When I came home from work today, I told him that I'd like to talk about last night whenever he would like.

His response: You just don't get it. I've told you 100s of times and you don't get it.

Me: But the oil spill happened once yesterday.

Him: You never look at the big picture. I'm not spelling it out for you anymore. If you don't get it by now, you never will.

Me: So you weren't upset about the oil?

Him: NO! I'm not talking about this anymore because I'm just going to get mad.

Me: 

This is the extent of our conversations when I want a resolution. Later, he went off on how I ignore him all the time. I'm not sure how to interpret that. When I ask him questions or try to initiate conversation, I'm told that I'm complicating things or that he's tired and he's going to bed. When your spouse is in bed before your D5, where does that leave time for the relationship? I've brought that up before and was blown up at: Oh, so now you don't approve of when I go to bed?

Greentea



What is hindering you from leaving?

UGH! I've questioned myself on this this over and over.

1) I made a vow, but I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I may be enabling him by allowing him to stay. I am slowly allowing myself to believe that even though he doesn't have a job, he'll be half a world away from his daughter, he has no friends (of his own doing), and his parents' place is a toxic environment for him, I can not worry about those factors for him. He is a "healthy," extremely talented and gifted 38Man. If he wants to live a miserable, angry life, that is his choice, but I don't want a part of it anymore. And it's not fair to our daughter to be in this environment.

2) I know that it takes two. So what haven't I done on my part, that I could still do? That is probably the biggest thing that is keeping me stuck. But I am letting myself believe that I can't be the one that is constantly putting forth the effort.

3) Our daughter. Will I have full custody of her? My heart would literally rip into two pieces if I couldn't be with her.

We did separate for 3 months last year about this time. I didn't hold to my boundaries, and he came back 3 months earlier that what I had written on paper. When we went to the States to visit this past summer, I was so close to leaving him there, but then got sucked in to "I know this is my last chance, blah, blah, blah." We had been seeing a married couple for counseling this past summer too, whom he had seen when he was home last winter, so I thought that I owed us another try. But here we are again, the same stuck place. He is not diagnosed BPD, but does exhibit a lot of the traits. He HAS been diagnosed with major depression twice, but is in denial about that and refuses to seek treatment. Drinking is also a concern. I just started to see a T who is well-acquainted with BPD and addiction. But right now, I think I am headed for another separation. I CANNOT live like this anymore.

OK... .  this is a stupid question: is this verbal abuse? This is such the norm in our r/s. I know that there is emotional abuse, but this is verbal, too? How did I ever get here?  :'(

[Surnia]

Greentea

Your last question about verbal abuse is not a stupid one. Sometimes we don't realize what happens. Weak boundaries, getting used to some kind of "conversation".  I needed the book "The verbally abusive relationship" to realize it.

What about a controlled separation? 3 months or so living at different places?

Take care, greentea. 

[rollercoaster24]

Dear Greentea,

Your partner sounds very identical to mine, and sadly, I ponder exactly the same thoughts as you do. It wouldn't be the first time I had been told the same things others have said to you here...

The fact that he uses profanities as well, makes it even harder...

And it hurts your heart and soul to be around it all the time... Believe me, I know...

Presently, I am aware that mine may have also been cheating on me for quite some time, possibly still is... I am praying to God, (and my deceased Mother), that I can catch him if I am right... without a shadow of a doubt...

If not cheating, then abusing substances of some kind...

I will certainly still be just, (obviously more heartbroken), but it will be easier for me to go NC if I find out that he is, after everything he has done to me... For me, that will be the end... and trust me, I will not let him get away with it before I finally walk away...

That does not mean I will do something really bad to him, but like they say, 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'. He won't get away without a serious telling off...

good luck to you and safety in whatever choice you make...