Anxiety

[Foreverhopefull]

 

I was home most of last week because of a cold/flu, so I got to sped ALLOT of time with dBPDh. I was lucky that he was having a good week, well sorta really. He is anxious, very very anxious and it's driving him restless. It's weird because he said he had no clue why he was so anxious.

I have a funny feeling is the cancellation of his appointment with his therapist on Wednesday (she was sick).

The thing about this is that I noticed major improvement on his part:

1. Because she had called Tuesday telling him she would be 15 min late for their appointment on Wednesday due to a conflicting meeting with her boss, then a call on Wednesday that it was cancelled. He wanted to make sure that it wasn't a miscommunication, so he called her office and left her a voice mail to inform her that he had been told it was cancelled and it wasn't the he refused to show up. He would have never thought of calling her to make sure that it was the correct information that was given to him. He took responsibility of his sessions.

2. Even though he is very anxious, he has not shut down. He continues to talk to me about how he feels. Usually he opens up when he is good, or a long time after he started feeling out of control of an emotion.


So he might be anxious, but he's still progressing.

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[Peace4ME]

That's great that he is taking control of his therapy and actually getting involved in the process. My dBPDbf is in the beginning stages of DBT and it's definitely not easy on him. He was and still is against the homework and doesn't like it. He complains about the time and money to go to both group therapy and individual therapy.

BUT... .  

He's doing it! Forgetting apointments and threatening to quit is nearly gone, and when he does threaten, I learn to validate, but not take it to seriously. He's just frustrated.

He gets quite anxious too, about lots of stuff in life. Some of it makes sense to me, like DBT group, or deadlines at work. But also about stuff that I would never think- like his Birthday, or certain social settings.

I'm becoming more confidant in our ability to get through this, and my ability to stilll enjoy life even when he sometimes can't. It's still hard to decide if I want to keep progressing my relationship with him (working towards marriage) when I don't know who he is going to turn out to be. How much he is going to change. It is hard trying to love life when the person you want to spend it with just can't seem to love it too, even when he tries. I want to give him time since he is working on it, but how long do I wait?

[CodependentHusband]

... .  how long do I wait?

Only you can answer that of course. The fact that he is in therapy is pretty encouraging! That's soo rare. I hope you realize that. My dBPDw is in full denial, and I've given up any dreams I once had about her going to therapy. Despite that, I think we are doing pretty good with just the changes I've made... .  It's far from perfect, but it is nowhere near the nightmare it once was.

So, I don't know... .  you obviously care about him a great deal as he is now, and if he changes, chances are it will mostly enhance his best personality traits. That leaves me with wondering this... .  would you stay with him like he is right this very minute? If he ever does stop therapy, from what I have read, progress is rarely lost... .  in other words, if someone needs 2 years of DBT, and they quit after 1 year, it is my understanding that they will most likely have improved in that first year, and those improvements in coping stay with them forever. Is it a dealbreaker if he quits therapy?

[Peace4ME]

... .  how long do I wait?

you obviously care about him a great deal as he is now, and if he changes, chances are it will mostly enhance his best personality traits. That leaves me with wondering this... .  would you stay with him like he is right this very minute? If he ever does stop therapy, from what I have read, progress is rarely lost... .  in other words, if someone needs 2 years of DBT, and they quit after 1 year, it is my understanding that they will most likely have improved in that first year, and those improvements in coping stay with them forever. Is it a dealbreaker if he quits therapy?

This very minute… wow that’s hard. There has been so much improvement in the past 8-9 months, but there is still one dealbreaker. He is addicted to pot, I know some ppl dont think that's a big deal but he tends to abuse his relationship with it like an alcoholic would. Quitting will NOT be easy for him, he's been trying on and off for 6-7 months. But he stands by that he wants to. It's very frustrating, but I've reached some radical acceptance about it, actions speak louder than words at this point.

Other than that, there is really nothing unacceptable anymore-Annoying, yes, but  really just his own happiness and feelings about himself and his past and his power over his own future. So many other things have improved. While I do think DBT is helpful and can really help him if he submits to the process completely, he attributes most of his success to me "teaching" him and being a good example and him being open to learning. I just don’t want to BE his therapist, but that’s really my own boundary. So I don’t think quitting therapy is a dealbreaker. He recently tried to go off meds and discovered very quickly that wasn’t a good idea. I’m starting to accept the parts of this disorder that I need to and he’s starting to change the parts he needs to. I think it’s making us closer, he just needs to work on his own inner happiness. I think if he can do that I will be falling in love with him all over again.   Lately I find myself daydreaming of marriage and babies wiht him instead of doom and gloom, that has to be a good sign, right? 

[CodependentHusband]

Sounds pretty good to me! I can see why the pot smoking bothers you. I'm not judgmental of those who choose to do it, but making a choice to have it in your daily life is another issue I think. Still, you care about him, so, I can really understand the struggle.