So nice to the world...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just have two simple questions that I haven't found answers on: 

1st question: What is it they are so, so nice, sweet and caring to everyone else in the world except the one person they are supposed to be nice to?   My uBPDh was extremely nice to everyone but to me, a completely different person. 

2nd question: Are they aware of the hurt and pain they are causing?

I had a very moving weekend.  We met with his counselor and it went very well for me at least. I was able to say some things and having a third person helped me a bit.  I gathered that one of his assignments is to work on showing emotion.  She is a social worker though and I'm not sure if she picked up on how serious this situation is. She gave us an assignment to focus on our tone with each other.  So when he talks in a rude tone, I'm supposed to tell him to say that over.  Well, that's great but what about when he doesn't talk to me at all!  He is so withdrawn every single day and I asked him about this and he said he avoids me because I turn everything around.  I could tell he was very uncomfortable with me there by his body language. I was glad I went.   When we left he asked what I thought of his counselor and I said I liked her.  I thought it was a good appointment but really focused on communication between a couple. How we need to re-establish a connection.  I just feel this is way more than he and I not being on the same page.  He told me that he is sorry for the hurt he's caused and that he wishes he was a different person.  He said this is just the way he is.  So I asked about that and he said he's an introvert.  This isn't being an introvert because he projects.  It's more than that. 

So that brought us to the weekend.  I asked him what he meant about 'this is how he is.' I explained that I feel that statement meant I have to live with the way he is.  He said again he's an introvert.  I said I feel it's really important for a couple to be able to talk about their feelings and share emotions. He said 'there's a time and place for that.' Doesn't make sense!  I said any woman would feel very traumatized by this situation we are in. He asked me, ":)o you think people would think this isn't normal?"  I said, absolutely!  I explained how I am really having a hard time getting over all of the hurt and that most women would.  He said, "Well then it's over."  He walked away.  He came back and calmed down.  He admitted to having a problem and he did apologize.  He said he cares. Yesterday he approached me about his birthday and that just triggered it all over again. He wants a party; I don't feel comfortable with throwing a party for someone who has bullied me.  I told him that so there was more discussion.  He said his mom wants to see him. 

I just said to him very open, honest statements with boundaries.  I was not nervous as in the past.  I was almost at peace.  I said this is not a healthy way to live.  I want a husband who I can give my love to and who doesn't push me away.  I want the best for my family.  I want a happy and loving life.  I told him that I am reliving my past with my mom. It's the same exact situation.   I told him he is scary and I am very uncomfortable around him.  I've been in counseling all year and last summer we were in counseling together. The tools he was given he can't apply. I can't fix him. I know this.  He told me that he can't be with me if I'm scared.  Last night he slept downstairs. 

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. My heart aches for peace.   

[Mind]

I just have two simple questions that I haven't found answers on: 

1st question: What is it they are so, so nice, sweet and caring to everyone else in the world except the one person they are supposed to be nice to?   My uBPDh was extremely nice to everyone but to me, a completely different person. 

2nd question: Are they aware of the hurt and pain they are causing?

I had a very moving weekend.  We met with his counselor and it went very well for me at least. I was able to say some things and having a third person helped me a bit.  I gathered that one of his assignments is to work on showing emotion.  She is a social worker though and I'm not sure if she picked up on how serious this situation is. She gave us an assignment to focus on our tone with each other.  So when he talks in a rude tone, I'm supposed to tell him to say that over.  Well, that's great but what about when he doesn't talk to me at all!  He is so withdrawn every single day and I asked him about this and he said he avoids me because I turn everything around.  I could tell he was very uncomfortable with me there by his body language. I was glad I went.   When we left he asked what I thought of his counselor and I said I liked her.  I thought it was a good appointment but really focused on communication between a couple. How we need to re-establish a connection.  I just feel this is way more than he and I not being on the same page.  He told me that he is sorry for the hurt he's caused and that he wishes he was a different person.  He said this is just the way he is.  So I asked about that and he said he's an introvert.  This isn't being an introvert because he projects.  It's more than that. 

So that brought us to the weekend.  I asked him what he meant about 'this is how he is.' I explained that I feel that statement meant I have to live with the way he is.  He said again he's an introvert.  I said I feel it's really important for a couple to be able to talk about their feelings and share emotions. He said 'there's a time and place for that.' Doesn't make sense!  I said any woman would feel very traumatized by this situation we are in. He asked me, ":)o you think people would think this isn't normal?"  I said, absolutely!  I explained how I am really having a hard time getting over all of the hurt and that most women would.  He said, "Well then it's over."  He walked away.  He came back and calmed down.  He admitted to having a problem and he did apologize.  He said he cares. Yesterday he approached me about his birthday and that just triggered it all over again. He wants a party; I don't feel comfortable with throwing a party for someone who has bullied me.  I told him that so there was more discussion.  He said his mom wants to see him. 

I just said to him very open, honest statements with boundaries.  I was not nervous as in the past.  I was almost at peace.  I said this is not a healthy way to live.  I want a husband who I can give my love to and who doesn't push me away.  I want the best for my family.  I want a happy and loving life.  I told him that I am reliving my past with my mom. It's the same exact situation.   I told him he is scary and I am very uncomfortable around him.  I've been in counseling all year and last summer we were in counseling together. The tools he was given he can't apply. I can't fix him. I know this.  He told me that he can't be with me if I'm scared.  Last night he slept downstairs. 

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. My heart aches for peace.   

[FoolishOne]

It is very frustrating isn't it?  To everyone else they seem like the sweetest, kindest, most generous person on earth... .  that's why you'll never get anyone to believe the Hell they are capable of... .  And they are so good at manipulation, that even if you did mention it to their friends, the friends would think you're the ass.

No, it's truly amazing to me how they can do that.

Regarding if they know the pain, anguish and misery they cause?  I think after some time has elapsed they reflect on their human wrerckage, but they find a way to ratioanlize that somehow it wasn't their fault... .  they were manipulated by other people/forces.

My dBPDw said it was her new lover that talked her into all the horrible things she did to me.  Therefore, it really wasn't directly her fault.

F1

[Newton]

Hey sparkle  

There is a great thread on the "leaving" board addressing whether they are aware of the emotional fallout of their behaviour... .  here is the link... .  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192164.0

In response to your 1st question... .  the major triggers for pwBPD are abandonment/engulfment ("real" or perceived fear of those).

They spend a lifetime hiding their true self from the world... .  WE were often fooled for months or years before the mask dropped.  So interactions with work colleagues or friends will not often result in a manifestation of acting out/in behaviour... .  our attempted intimacy with them becomes the trigger.