an open confession/apology for any one who cares

[Depression = 72% of members]

This will certainly be my final post on this site. While I have been in no way been a prolific poster I have stirred the pot at times and been unfair and angry at other times. I have been suspended for my harsh words. To those whom I offended or hurt with my harsh words I am truly sorry. I can no longer continue to misrepresent myself and my wife's condition and causes thereof. I would like to tell you the truth.

My wife is not the "normal" BPD. I neglected to tell any one here that my wife is a child sexual abuse survivor, the details of which are horrific. What was done to her would warp the mind of anyone. My wife endured somewhere in the neighborhood of 1000 rapes. Let your mind go dark as to the details and extent. When you are left to be a human sex doll for a pervert the damage is catastrophic. By the time she was 12 and through age 14 she would no longer fight because the rape was inevitable. She was abondoned by all who should have protected her. This too has warped her mind. My wife now has no idea how to say "no" to the sexual advances of men because her PTSD will cause her to interpret it as a threat and she goes into survival mode. That this has occurred only twice is probably a minor "miracle". She has done a relatively good job of staying out of the situations because she knows what's going to happen. This constant fear and times of "revictimization" have contributed greatly to my wife's anger. There are times where she misreads the signals, however. But that is a different topic altogether. This has caused me enormous pain as a loving husband-yes, I am a loving husband.

I used this site as an outlet for my anger and suffering. In doing so I did my wife no justice. I am ashamed and sorry for my actions. I have no idea what to do with the grief and despair I feel. I am very selfish and my ego and pride have difficulty with the results of the damage to her. She was my darling. My sweetheart. She was my first and my only. I met her when she was 15 and I was 18. I built a fairy tale in my mind and heart that wasn't real. I thought I was so great we would beat her past together. I beat it, she can't get away from it. She still exists in the darkness she created. She lives in her dissociated world to which she taught herself to retreat so he could only hurt her body. She is now under psychiatric care and in therapy for the first time by her own will. She may in fact be scizophrenic after all. We'll see. We are also going together. I am going by myself also. She says she wants to be "real". We are struggling to make it.

I recently received this message from my wife:

"In my heart you are my one and only. The only one I ever wanted inside me. My body has been used and used until it didn't mean any thing. I had to go to "my place" to survive. I've never gotten to choose any thing in my life. Not my emotions or what other people did to my body. I can't control it, it controls me. Now that I'm realizing I have the ability to control and choose, I choose you. I want you. The only one who ever saw me as any thing other than a piece of trash to be used and discarded. You loved me when I thought I was unlovable. You saw the real me."

Please let the record show I love this woman. I've no idea if we make it together. As the layers of pain and her walls break away she is letting things out of the pit that are difficult for her to say the least. She is becoming real and affectionate with both me and the children. She is also fighting back the urge to go away and not deal with it.

I'm not the badass I portrayed myself to be here. That was my alter ego, who doesn't feel the pain if he's angry. I don't know if I'm strong enough to give what she needs/wants. I'm standing in our way, with all of the normal issues that go along with someone who feels their wife cheated on them. But this is not normal, they"re trying to help me see that.  

She deserves to make it. If ever there was a woman who deserved to be held high and made to feel pretty and pure it's her. To feel wanted and undefiled. Not ugly and good for only one thing. I may not be man enough to do it, but that's what she deserves.

Good luck to all

[betterorworse]

This will certainly be my final post on this site. While I have been in no way been a prolific poster I have stirred the pot at times and been unfair and angry at other times. I have been suspended for my harsh words. To those whom I offended or hurt with my harsh words I am truly sorry. I can no longer continue to misrepresent myself and my wife's condition and causes thereof. I would like to tell you the truth.

My wife is not the "normal" BPD. I neglected to tell any one here that my wife is a child sexual abuse survivor, the details of which are horrific. What was done to her would warp the mind of anyone. My wife endured somewhere in the neighborhood of 1000 rapes. Let your mind go dark as to the details and extent. When you are left to be a human sex doll for a pervert the damage is catastrophic. By the time she was 12 and through age 14 she would no longer fight because the rape was inevitable. She was abondoned by all who should have protected her. This too has warped her mind. My wife now has no idea how to say "no" to the sexual advances of men because her PTSD will cause her to interpret it as a threat and she goes into survival mode. That this has occurred only twice is probably a minor "miracle". She has done a relatively good job of staying out of the situations because she knows what's going to happen. This constant fear and times of "revictimization" have contributed greatly to my wife's anger. There are times where she misreads the signals, however. But that is a different topic altogether. This has caused me enormous pain as a loving husband-yes, I am a loving husband.

I used this site as an outlet for my anger and suffering. In doing so I did my wife no justice. I am ashamed and sorry for my actions. I have no idea what to do with the grief and despair I feel. I am very selfish and my ego and pride have difficulty with the results of the damage to her. She was my darling. My sweetheart. She was my first and my only. I met her when she was 15 and I was 18. I built a fairy tale in my mind and heart that wasn't real. I thought I was so great we would beat her past together. I beat it, she can't get away from it. She still exists in the darkness she created. She lives in her dissociated world to which she taught herself to retreat so he could only hurt her body. She is now under psychiatric care and in therapy for the first time by her own will. She may in fact be scizophrenic after all. We'll see. We are also going together. I am going by myself also. She says she wants to be "real". We are struggling to make it.

I recently received this message from my wife:

"In my heart you are my one and only. The only one I ever wanted inside me. My body has been used and used until it didn't mean any thing. I had to go to "my place" to survive. I've never gotten to choose any thing in my life. Not my emotions or what other people did to my body. I can't control it, it controls me. Now that I'm realizing I have the ability to control and choose, I choose you. I want you. The only one who ever saw me as any thing other than a piece of trash to be used and discarded. You loved me when I thought I was unlovable. You saw the real me."

Please let the record show I love this woman. I've no idea if we make it together. As the layers of pain and her walls break away she is letting things out of the pit that are difficult for her to say the least. She is becoming real and affectionate with both me and the children. She is also fighting back the urge to go away and not deal with it.

I'm not the badass I portrayed myself to be here. That was my alter ego, who doesn't feel the pain if he's angry. I don't know if I'm strong enough to give what she needs/wants. I'm standing in our way, with all of the normal issues that go along with someone who feels their wife cheated on them. But this is not normal, they"re trying to help me see that.  

She deserves to make it. If ever there was a woman who deserved to be held high and made to feel pretty and pure it's her. To feel wanted and undefiled. Not ugly and good for only one thing. I may not be man enough to do it, but that's what she deserves.

Good luck to all

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DogMan75]

Wow, that's a lot.

Good luck.

[CompletelyOverwhelmed]

Why your last post? It sounds to me like its a good time to start fresh and be open to the support this site has to offer. You're going to need it. We are all in pain and angry in some form or another and in that we make terrible mistakes. It's a process that we learn

[briefcase]

Hello betterorworse,

That's a very brave and honest post, and I hope it's not your last.  

Your wife lived a nightmare which she is only now starting to really face.   You have tried, in many different ways, for over twenty years to make this marriage work and endured a lot of pain along the way.  I can relate to all of that, and so can many others here.  We've all made mistakes, and tried to learn from them.  You may find you are in better company than you think.

It sounds like your family has reached some kind of crossroad, and its natural to wonder where this new path might lead for you, her and your family.  The members here can help you learn to walk a path to a better place.  They helped me.  

Like you, I came here battle-scarred, hurting, and skeptical. Like you, I tried things and said things (here and at home) that I now know didn't work, and that I now regret.  We live, and we learn.  It's not any easy path, but no path is.  I hope you give us he opportunity to continue to learn from each other.  

 

[Chosen]

betterorworse,

Thanks for your heartfelt post, which I hope will not be your last.

Perhaps during better times when you look at your past posts, you'd regret being so negative, angry and frustrated.  But the truth is, at that time, you were just that.  If none of us felt upset and angry, nobody would be here.  It's only natural that most of the posts here are about troubles, for when we're in good times we enjoy it and there's less reason for popping in.

I know I can't speak for every member here, but most people here won't judge you and think less of you based on how you have portrayed yourself here.  We're all in different sorts of problems, and if we're all "completely normal" then I guess we could judge, but unfortunately most of us are troubled by our own relationships and am in no fair position to judge you. 

So I hope when you want to share your story, when you're frustrated as you sometimes will be, you will remember us and drop by.

And I wish you and your wife a good journey ahead.

[waverider]

You may have stirred the pot a bit and got into a bit of a tangle with your approach and lashing out unfairly in your eyes, but that is all part of work shopping major dramas in your life.

You would not be the first member who started off like a bull in a china shop, but eventually coming to the realization of this becomes the starting block for working forward rather than fighting help.

There is a lot of help and support to be found here once you develop a positive approach to it.

[GreenMango]

Betterorworse I am so very sorry to hear about your wife.  It sounds like its been a long haul.  The family drama on top of it is a lot to deal with.

Taking care of you too right now is important.  How are you doing?

[betterorworse]

Alright, all you seemingly genuine folks win. I'll keep posting. I'm an emotional wreck and can't keep it together. I have sobbing episodes and physical ailments as a result of all this. Some tough guy I turned out to be... .  

My wife is all but incapacitated by the memories of the past. She is recalling things hidden in her subconscious for a reason. The two-a-days her abuser subjected her to are particularly painful for some reason. She is having health issues with her kidneys and blood sugar. She is having nightmares and vomits day and night.

She is particularly disturbed by the two incidents where her PTSD kicked in and caused her to allow herself to be used as an adult. I am not helping as I can't seem to get over it. In her mind it was the same thing, unwanted sex and someone taking her against her will. It's very difficult to accept when it occurs as an adult. She wants me, the only good thing she's ever had to look at her, touch her, and love her the same. Because, in her words, she wasn't there. It's hard to look at it that way. It's hard to accept that ones wife was led around like a human sex doll. I'm trying because she needs the only person who never confirmed that she was a useless piece of garbage to be abused and discarded to hold her and tell her she's still desirable.

The progress will be slow, we've been assured. She's finally doing something about this on her own. She read "sometimes I act crazy" and sobbed all the way through it. Such pain and anguish in someone who never asked to be repeatedly raped as a child. And more pain and despair as the only love she ever felt distances himself because he can't get past the PTSD "episodes". I feel like a jerk but can't seem to stop. She doesn't deserve that. She didn't deserve any of this.

[elemental]

Poor lady, my heart goes out to her.

As for you, it's a huge thing for you to expect yourself to be constantly perfect in your response to the very extreme events she is communicating to you. Obviously you are distraught on her behalf and yours.

What are you doing to break the momentum of these things?

I mean, how are you taking care of yourself in order to get balance and emotional space to process and help yourself?

[CodependentHusband]

So sorry to hear what you and your wife have been through, and what you have ahead of you. I wish things were easier for you and your family.

[Steph]

 Would you also be willing to be in therapy?

She has a long road ahead of her, and if you can move beyond your hurt, into a place where you are supported in therapy, there is a much better chance of you being able to be there for her... and, eventually, she for you.

  I strongly suggest finding someone who understands her issues, and who can get to know yours, with her, to help you move beyond your pain, and how to work with her.

Steph

[betterorworse]

Hey steph, long time, no ill words. Sorry for being a bully. I'm not really, I'm just a big guy with a broken heart who's watched the death of his fairy tale with great sorrow.

I am in therapy also. She and I go together and separate. Her case is very severe.

She was abused for so long that she "knows" little else. She's never been a real person, just a composite of how she thought a real person would act. Real is hard. Real hurts.

Because real has to acknowledge those awful things. She may not make it. The suicidal tendencies loom. Thanks for caring, even though I wasn't very nice to you.

[tuum est61]

Some tough guy I turned out to be... .  

Being tough was your way of dealing with protecting yourself and your kids, and ironically even your wife.

You are really showing your toughness by going to therapy, supporting your wife going as well, as well as posting here. 

Good to have you back.   

[betterorworse]

I had to take my wife from her psychiatric appointment to the ER. The psychiatrist said she could tell be looking at her and talking to her she wasnt doing well. She has been vomiting for so long she was severely dehydrated. She has become increasingly suicidal in recent weeks as she tries to work out her problems and the abuse of the past. She divulged enough for them to put her on suicide watch then admit her to the psychiatric wing of the hospital. I found a page on her phone where she looked up fool proof ways to kill yourself. She is also thinking about mutilating herself so no man would want to have sex with her. I don't know if she can do this. I don't know if I can do this. Sometimes I think a merciful god would let her die. I'm sorry if that sounds awful.

[Peace4ME]

I don't know if she can do this. I don't know if I can do this. Sometimes I think a merciful god would let her die. I'm sorry if that sounds awful.

It doesn't sound awful. To see your wife in this much pain and be in so much pain yourself must be nearly unbearable. People wish that for their loved ones all the time when they are enduring unimaginable physical pain. I'm sure this is probably worse. I'm so so sorry life is asking both of you to endure this. Thinking of you... .   

[LetItBe]

Thinking of you and your wife, betterorworse.  Hang in there.  I'm glad she's getting the care she needs right now.  Sending wishes for healing and recovery to both of you.

[briefcase]

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this.  I am glad you are both getting some help from therapists.  I am sure recovery from something like this will be a very slow process for both of you.

Sometimes around here, we refer to the standard pre-flight instructions we hear on an airplane about the oxygen masks that come down in the event of cabin de-pressurization--basically, "put the mask on yourself first, then assist those around you."  You will be in the best position to help your wife if you are in a strong and stable place yourself. Your therapist will be a tremendous help with this.  As you get stronger, you will be able to provide more and more support for your wife.  Take good care of yourself.  We are here to help in anyway we can.       

[slimmiller]

Betterorworse,

Bless You! So sorry to hear of your pain and that of your wife. I can not imagine being in your shoes. Glad to hear you are in therapy and that she is getting help too. It may be a long road ahead but at least theres a chance for things to get better.

Mine refuses to help herself. Unlike in the case of yours, mine throws herself at a man willingly. Fereign college students half my age. Yeah it hurts but not the same as in your case.

May the future be bright!

[BPDhostage]

My heart breaks for you and your wife  The monsters that commit these horrendous crimes deserve no end to their suffering. The pain doesn't go away for their victims. I wonder that if public stoning and or castration were the punishments for sex crimes, if some wouldn't think twice about committing these heinous crimes.

My Ex is BPD and while I won't go into his abuse as a child I will say that it was sexual in nature and committed against him by foster kids that his parents had decided to help by taking them into their loving home after they were abused themselves. His sister was also abused and she too is also BPD. My GF now, we suspect was sexually abused as well, but she has blocked out all of her childhood. She can't remember anything from age 16 or earlier.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are brave and strong and it took guts for you to come here and to say all that you did. May a warming array of light shroud you and yours in healing effervescence.

[DyingLove]

Betterorworse,

You don't owe me an apology, I just stopped in to read what's going on.

First I'd like to say that there is no apology or condolence I can give that would be big enough to explain how my heart feels reading what has happened. Next I would like to say thank you for being a strong man. On the contrary, your letter doesn't convey weakness to me, but only strength. Strength to be there for someone else in such a dire time of need. As many times as I feel like giving up, I have to tell you, don't give up. It's okay to take a break, and then come back refreshed somewhat, but don't give up.

I wish the very best for you and yours, and I realize you need support now just as much as everybody else. Prayers, blessings and best wishes to you.

[GreenMango]

Betterorworse I can't imagine the stress level or sorrow you are going through right now.  :)efinitely what Briefcase recommended about taking care of your basic needs is really important.  Sleeping, eating, etc.

How is your support system and the kids?

[betterorworse]

Betterorworse I can't imagine the stress level or sorrow you are going through right now.  :)efinitely what Briefcase recommended about taking care of your basic needs is really important.  Sleeping, eating, etc.

How is your support system and the kids?

Support system is good. My mom is helping by staying here with the kids. Sleep is difficult but I get some. Eating is only a necessity. My kids are great but showing the stress. You see, daddy was the rock, the light. Daddy is now broken and dimmed. They can feel it.

Here's the embarrassing truth. I would be the most noble loving husband in history if it weren't for the sex incidents with another man. Even the knowledge of the cause don't help. I'm haunted by the images and the pain and humiliation I feel. My wife deserves a man who could look past it. I'm trying but I can't. She's devastated, feeling as though the message conveyed by the monster that made her is the truth: that she is garbage, useless except for the sexual gratification of others. She sobs at the prospect of this evil costing her the love an affection of her "one and only". I'm trying to write a love story for the ages, but I keep getting in the way. I'm weak, and don't know if I can do it. It makes me feel very inadequate. I should be able to see the same person I saw before. I just can't. I have a chance to be a hero. I'm just not.

[briefcase]

You don't have to be a hero to help your wife, or yourself. Work on improving yourself with small, achievable goals right now . . . something like a daily walk, or eating a healthy breakfast.  Processing all of this will take a lot of time.  You need to get to a place where you can think clearly, with a little perspective, which only comes with time.   

[crazymade]

betterorworse, many many prayers go out to you. After reading your post, and the situation you are in, i believe you are doing the best you can. "God will not put any more on your shoulders than you can handle." Sometimes it helps... .  

What your wife went through is horrific, and even that adjective doesn't touch it to describe it. As for a 'real man'? A 'real man' is doing just what you are. Loving your wife, supporting her, taking care of the kids. Weak is not an adjective i would use to describe you. A 'real man' recognizes that he is only a human being, with a threshold for pain and grief and stress.

Betterorworse, i'm absolutely speechless, but i wanted to give some words of encouragement because i think you are doing the right thing. your wife is a VERY blessed woman in the respect that she has a husband who loves her and is willing to face life's tragedies together. I wish you and your wife well, and many prayers and blessings.

[Joseph54]

Thanks for the honesty and vulnerability in your post.

In my struggles I have found patience, observation and understanding to be my greatest assets to learn and heal.

You have both learned alot about each other and seem to have a closeness and intimacy that not many couples experience.

Growth in life hurts but as I mature and deal with my issues as well as those of my BPD wife and as she heals from hers the love we share for each others grows into a greater bond than we have ever experienced.

I encourage you to hang in there and experience how each of you learn and heal through this difficult process.

Joe

[betterorworse]

I will bring my pretty girl home this evening. Battered and bruised from yet another round of self inflicted wounds. She's a little different, seems more at peace than ever before. Claims to have given all her pain to God because she doesn't want it any more. We have quite the schedule now because in addition to therapy and psychiatric we have to add AA meetings. She put together the "plan" with them so as to avoid as many triggers as possible and have her "tools" at her disposal when needed. She told me this is her last chance; that if she goes "back there" again she fears she'll die. She swears she realizes the meds are forever and therapy is forever and some measure of "messed up" is forever. We'll see. Thanks for all the support given. It means something.

[Joseph54]

My uBPD wife is also has also been seeking God and I see many positive changes in her. She is getting stronger and less angry. She is much more at peace with herself.

I hope and pray that things continue to improve for you both.

Joe

[GreenMango]

Good to hear you guys get to go home.  Keep posting and reviewing the lessons.

Part of making things better is working on our skills, so if something comes up and you want some feedback with the tools we would be happy to work through them with you.

It's a process betterorworse. 

[betterorworse]

My wife now has 8 days of sobriety. She hasn't missed a single therapeutic task. She keeps her notebook and does her todo list each day. My children barely recognize her. She's been cooking and cleaning, and actually eats dinner with us instead of drinking in the bedroom. She's affectionate. She's gone with us to play outside the last two days (this was a NEVER in the past). I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She says no shoe drops this time, that God has healed her pain. (Her faith is startlingly child like). That the meds have started to and will continue to clear her mind. That therapy is something she wants to attend. This is far too good to be true. I would be lying if I said I'm even guardedly optimistic.

[tuum est61]

Not much to say but   - with fingers crossed.  

It's probably even more important now to validate her feelings - acknowledge its tough for her if she starts to waver or starts to head back towards the darkness. Support her good feelings without too much celebration. Keep an even keel and enjoy the smooth waters for a change.

I am very happy for you.