Heartbroken because I can no longer see my nephew due to BPD sister estrangement

[Depression = 72% of members]

Over the holidays my sister was especially cruel, so I sent her a very loving email asking if we could figure out a way to have healthier, happier interactions in general and over Christmas in particular. Even though I took a long time composing the email with the upmost care, it still triggered her and I received numerous email and text responses that can only be described as complete vitriol. She made it clear that she never wants to see me again and that means not seeing my 6-year old nephew.  That is the real heartbreak for me.  He is a sweet, lovely boy and I feel like I have abandoned him. This is not the first estrangement between us, but she said things that indicate for her that it is the final one.  I don't take any of her hatred, resentment, projection and fabrications personally, so I would be willing to reconnect for the sake of my nephew.  However, I think this is final for her and I feel like I have let my nephew down and it saddens me so deeply.

[G2]

Over the holidays my sister was especially cruel, so I sent her a very loving email asking if we could figure out a way to have healthier, happier interactions in general and over Christmas in particular. Even though I took a long time composing the email with the upmost care, it still triggered her and I received numerous email and text responses that can only be described as complete vitriol. She made it clear that she never wants to see me again and that means not seeing my 6-year old nephew.  That is the real heartbreak for me.  He is a sweet, lovely boy and I feel like I have abandoned him. This is not the first estrangement between us, but she said things that indicate for her that it is the final one.  I don't take any of her hatred, resentment, projection and fabrications personally, so I would be willing to reconnect for the sake of my nephew.  However, I think this is final for her and I feel like I have let my nephew down and it saddens me so deeply.

[Krudula]

Hi G2

So sorry to read that the break with your sister also means that you may not have the chance to see your nephew. That must be so hard for you. Although my situation is slightly different there are similarities; my daughter-in-law is showing most signs of BPD and does her 'best' not to let us see our two grandchildren ( 6 and nearly 4). It is painful, but we keep on doing our best to keep the contact going in the form of phone calls, presents and cards on their birthdays and with christmas. Is this something you could do also? It's would be such a shame if the little boy would bear the brunt of your sisters anger towards you. Is it only with you that she want no contact?

My thoughts are with you, keep on doing good.

[G2]

Dear Krudu,  I appreciate your response and sharing your story.  I am so glad that you still are able to maintain  contact with your grandchildren, and I know it makes such a difference in their lives. 6 and 4 are such great/fun ages.  My nephew is 6 too.  They are so fortunate to have your love.

My sister and I seemed to be in a pretty good space for a little while, and I got lulled into feeling, once again, that things had changed for the better and we were finally getting closer to the kind of relationship that I so wanted with her.  Even though I know better!

When things started to get bad again during that last few months, I decided to reach out to her with love and compassion. After she sent numerous abusive texts over a simple misunderstanding, I suggested we try to improve our communication so we could avoid these upsets.  I kept it short with no blame or recrimination. Without hesitation she started with the abusive emails and texts that I'm still reeling from month later.  She made it clear that she never wants to see us again.  She has done and said things in the past that were horrible, but this feels different; It feels final on her part.

A little more background... .  She texted me a week before Christmas that I was to not give my nephew a Christmas gift. I respected her wishes, however, I did send him a card and I wrote how much we love him and how special he is. This is something I will continue to do for holidays and his birthday.  I have good reason to assume that he will never see these cards.  She is incredibly vindictive and has no qualms about placing her son in the middle.  She feels that she is the victim and her abusive treatment is only in reaction to what everyone else does to her. BTW, she has not spoken to my mother or our youngest sister in years. I was  the last connection on our side of the family.  I really hung-in there for my nephew's sake. I feel like I have abandoned him, I am second guessing myself and feeling such guilt.

My sister's husband also shows signs of BPD, but I do not think he is  as far gone as my sister.  It is reminiscent of our childhood.  Both of our parents were BPD, narcissistic and our mother is an alcoholic. Despite the extremely abusive/neglectful environment we grew up in, my sister idolizes the memory of our father and was actually close to my mother for decades.  My mother indulged her, made excuses for her, and constantly bailed her out financially. When our mother started to have her own financial problems and health issues, my sister told me that because of our mother's diminished circumstances and need of help that she didn't want her in her life any longer.

I am just heartbroken and in over my head. I was looking for a BPD family member support group in my city, but there is not one.  Back to therapy for me.  Hopefully, I can stop blaming myself and find some peace.  Best to you.

[Krudula]

Hi G2

Thank you for sharing your story with us too. Wow... .  It must have been hard growing up in a family which was/is dysfunctional on so many levels. How overwhelming and confusing things must have seemed to when you were young.

Please feel welcome here, we all have stories to tell and share, painful as they may be, it is good to have listening ears here. What a shame there is no BPD support group where you live. Keep on posting here, you are never alone here.

One thing I have experienced is that presents and gifts are seldom good enough to a pwBPD.

I've still to receive 'thank you's' from my uDIL for gifts to her. My son always makes sure he lets the children phone us to thank us for the presents we sent them, which is great! I have one consolation: she doesn't speak to her own mother for months on end and I have learned not to let it get to me.

Love and greetings for now. M.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm so sorry, G2 and krudu, that you're going through this. It is hard for everyone involved, especially the children, who can't understand what is happening.

She texted me a week before Christmas that I was to not give my nephew a Christmas gift. I respected her wishes, however, I did send him a card and I wrote how much we love him and how special he is. This is something I will continue to do for holidays and his birthday.  I have good reason to assume that he will never see these cards. 

That's lovely, G2, and as painful as it is to imagine that he won't get the cards, it's a really nice gesture on your part. The other thing you might want to keep in mind is that even if you feel like you can't have a relationship with your nephew now, you might someday. My mother did something similar and cut her sister and BIL out of our lives for years. As an adult, I've reconnected with my aunt, which has been a great thing. That's not to say that this will happen for sure, but if/when you do connect with your nephew, be open and welcoming.

Therapy will be a big help for sure. You're going through a lot of emotions at once--grieving for the relationships with your nephew and sister, anger, and sadness. You'll find some good support here as well.

What do you think would happen if you reached out to your sister again? You said that it feels more final this time. Does her anger tend to decrease or increase over time?

[beatup]

Dear G2,

I understand the sorrow & heartache that you are feeling. I have a similar situation with my sister and her daughter. For a while I had a good relationship... .  and now I too have lost it. I was the only Auntie that was allowed in her life and I thought that my sister would make amends with me for her daughters' sake but I was wrong.

I am hopeful to have a relationship when she is older. (My thanks 2 GeekyGirl for giving us that hope).

My sister has shut me & other family members including step daughters out of her life but only for spells of time. Does your sister do that too? Every one is different, but given that history I beleve it is possible that she may come around again when she is ready. The current estrangement/NC is the longest one we have ever had... .  4 yrs and my niece is now 16.

anyway please be good to yourself, therapy is certainly one way to do that

hang in there