Need Perspective

[amaris]

so, yesterday my BPDh dysregulated and I was in the evil catagory... .  he said we didn't have a marriage and that I was a failure (I was supporting my daughter who is in a crisis by just being there for her emotionally) but did not 'neglect' him in any way... .  I detached and just left and took care of myself.  Today was another dinner party he had been looking forward to me going with him for over a 3 months and I had told him I would go... .  so, he didn't speak to me since his big rage scene.  Today, not wanting to be a person who doesn't follow through with my word, I text him after being ignored and doors slamming in my face as we are getting up in the morning... I asked which mode he is in, am I the good wife or the evil one today, cause I would like to go with him but couldn't if he still felt antagonistic with me... .  he  answered the text to tell me he was going to a funeral today for a war veteran... .  I texted back "thats nice"... .  no answer to my question... .  toward the time of his party he texts me to see if I am going... .  I texted back and asked for him to answer my first question... .  to which he said he didn't remember... .  I resent it... .  he just answered "ok" and I asked what that means... .  this went on til I got home with 20 minutes to spare... .  I told him I needed positive feed back cause I didn't want to go to the party for show if he was still feeling the same about me as yesterday ... .  he seemed insulted that I would point out his duel personality (duh)   He absolutely would not give me anything at all... not a "Im sorry"    He said he couldn't til we had some resolution... .  so, I stood right in front of him and in a soft voice said Ok, what do we need to do... .  to which he jumped back into "are you going or not"  I said I guess not because you have given me nothing to know where you are with me right now... .  to which he stomped out... .  he called me 3 times before he got to his party to see if I changed my mind... .  I could be setting myself up by going, but probably not because he is good at being the life of the party... .  but it is craziness to me to go and pretend it never happened which is what he is looking for... .  we never talk about his episodes because then he would have to admit to a problem with rage... .  

Why do I feel guilty for abandoning him... .  when he hurt me so deeply... .  I think I handled this wrong if there is a way to even make sense of it.    should i just have gone because I know it would have ended his angry mode and given him an out from any requirement to be honest.   Am I just being stupid because he has never admitted to it adn why do I think he would now?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

No you did nothing wrong. It was important to you and you told him so. He had the choice of clearing the air, and you going with him, or  not. He chose not to. Its his choice, you did not attempt to control him. Neither did you allow him to control you.

You didn't not go out of spite.

He may now play the victim, but that was his choice.

[laelle]

I am torn on this situation.  Yes, you are fully free to express any feelings you have and it was important to you that he validated you.

To a BPD they rant and yell, but its not really at you even tho you are caught in the line of fire.  Sometimes they dont even understand why your angry at them after because they werent even talking about you in their head.  They were just getting rid of dirty emotions.  To ask if you are the good wife or the bad wife after the drama is over is only encouraging more drama.  Ive tried it before.  It will get twisted around where its your drama because its no longer about their behavior but how you reacted to it.  You become the villain.  As you can see this validates his black and white thinking.  He had now found truth in it.

I find it best to walk away, say I love him, and let him deal with his own stuff while I deal with mine.  Of course you cant pretend something that you dont feel, thats being untrue to yourself, but understanding how he thinks better may help you to not feel slighted therefore you dont feel you have to have that validation.  They are a weird sort and do not think like everyone else.


Pick and choose your battles.  What a BPD wants most after a rage is for you to tell him that while you will leave the scene to calm down if it gets ugly, you still love him.  Its important for you to understand that while he rages its not really aimed at you even tho it seems that way and that he still loves you.  

This works! He has not raged in 3 months, and while I know it will happen again, I feel confident that I can handle it.  If I cant I will come here and let you guys talk me down from my tree.

[Rockylove]

I've asked on many occasions whether he was Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde that day.  Although my bf and I do deal with things with humor at times, he understands what I mean and responds well to it. 

I don't want to trivialize your frustration and I believe in being honest about situations such as you've described, but I know that if I put my BPD on the spot he'll come out swinging... .  humor works for us.  It isn't that I condone his behavior or make a joke about the fact that his rages are intensely disturbing, but I often have to wait for a better moment to make that clear statement. 

[eyenou]

My dBPD does the same things. He holds me "hostage" when he is angry with me. He ignores texts and then claims it's because he was busy. He completely avoids straight questions. He refuses to talk about the issues. I have brought up his diagnosis and condition whenever we are arguing. I have asked him if he is Jekyll or Hyde today. It doesn't work. I try to get him to understand that what he is saying and doing is unreasonable and the only way he stops is when HE decides that he is being unreasonable. Until then, there is not much I can do to help get him over his anger towards me. I believe that I handle our conflicts as if he were an average man. I try to reason with him. The average man would be able to be reasoned with, not him. Not people with PD. We have to handle them differently. The problem is, I don't know how to do it. I only seem to make things worse. That is why I am on this forum. 

[laelle]

Hey Eyenou, I can understand completely how you feel.  I was in the same boat and very tired, frustrated and bitter about being the focus of my bf's rage, projections and black and white thinking.

First i want to begin by advising you to read the tools provide on the website.  They have helped me to understand the illness so much better, and it works.  The first thing you have to understand is that you cant change him.  Yes he shows behavior that is hurtful and rude, but you cant control another person, therefore you have to work on YOU.  He will never be who you want him to be, and you need to grieve about that and learn to accept and grow the relationship in a different way.  One where you radically accept him just as he is and adjust to his shortcoming.

The first thing I did in trying to make things better is understanding JADE, SET and words used to validate and words that invalidate him.

These things are 95% of what you need to ease your bitterness, help you to be less sensitive, as well as stopping alot of the rage and instability.

In your post, from the things your telling him and the expectations that you have on him, you are asking a duck to bark.  He just cant be normal, I am sure if he could, he would.  No one with a mental illness chooses to have it, it can be a miserable existence.  

Never tell them about their mental illness during an altercation.  Maybe when he is having a good day you can share your love and care for him by saying that you see how he is hurting and does he think talking to someone would help.  But you cant make him.  Its you that must change.  Its not fair, but let me tell you that I am a much happier and less bitter person now, and these changes dont even have anything to with him.  The changes with him are a bonus.

You cant change his behavior or the things he does by reason, threats or any other means.  You cant control another person.

You can only change you and set up boundaries to make your life better.  

The big boundary for me is that I wont take part in any conversation that breaks my threshold of what i am willing to reasonably deal with.  

Its hard to do, but you have to.  It keeps you from taking part in his drama, and since reasoning doesnt help anyway... .  use words like  "Hold that thought sweetie, Im gonna pee my pants." or "Wow, do you smell the garbage?"  "Just let me get that out of here and I would love to talk this through with you."  Anything to keep the convo from escalating.  If it escalates anyway, then I say... .  Whoa, this getting a bit much for me, If you dont mind im going to (take a walk, do something outside the battle zone) and I will be back in an hour or so when I calm down.  (remember you can only control you)  dont wait for an answer, just head out.

The thing about Rage is that its not really about you, it can be about the house being dirty and he feels he is a failure for not cleaning it, so he blames it on you.  I am guilty of doing this to my roommate.  This is projection.

He can have an opinion and he has to be right so you become the bad guy because he cant accept his reality may not be the same as others.  If his reality is not true, than to him, he does not exist.  This is black and white thinking.  Good or bad, right or wrong.

Mindfulness will help you alot.  I use it every day.

Staying in a relationship with a BPD is hard but it doesnt have to be unhappy, You can make a difference and I encourage you to keep at is and stay with us.  We stick together.  We understand what your doing through.  

[laelle]

Example... .  you need to stop yelling at me... .  No

               I feel sad and get angry myself when someone insults me... .  YES

[amaris]

Thanks for all the encouragment... .  so relate to it all... .  I have sense learned about triggers and how to cut them off at the pass... .  however, that day I was dealing with something else and was caught off guard... .  He came back from the party I did not attend and told me he was glad I didn't go because it was not a good party... .  he acted as if nothing was wrong at all... .  wasted guilt on my part.   He is now like a big black hole of need and so depressed I can hardly stand the negativity at just being in his presence... .  no amount of encouragment helps... he just wants more... .     It is on these days I can blatently see the mental illness... .  most of the time he functions well... .  but more and more he is dysregulating regularly... .  hmmmmmmmmm

[waverider]

Thanks for all the encouragment... .  so relate to it all... .  I have sense learned about triggers and how to cut them off at the pass... .  however, that day I was dealing with something else and was caught off guard... .  He came back from the party I did not attend and told me he was glad I didn't go because it was not a good party... .  he acted as if nothing was wrong at all... .  wasted guilt on my part.   He is now like a big black hole of need and so depressed I can hardly stand the negativity at just being in his presence... .  no amount of encouragment helps... he just wants more... .     It is on these days I can blatently see the mental illness... .  most of the time he functions well... .  but more and more he is dysregulating regularly... .  hmmmmmmmmm

Yep that old black hole of neediness sure is a trap if you are not aware of it

[laelle]

I know exactly what you mean.  I can deal with his anger, but its so hard to emotionally deal with his moments of helpless, depressed, tormented sadness.  I hate those days.