Why do I feel like I've done something wrong?

[catalina]

I am trying NC, but uBPDh keeps emailing me, and has told me these things recently:

There was no abuse in the marriage.

If he spoke harshly to me, it was because I refused physical contact, was leaving him, gave him the silent treatment, etc.

I'm delusional.

I'm making him out to be a monster and publicizing that he's been abusive because I posted some links to self-help sites that I have been visiting (this is on Pinterest, where I have 9 followers, and I've never said anything about him.)

And there's other stuff that I'm doing TO him. Now he's forwarding me some online marriage counseling junk and won't stop. I left 7 months ago, tried to give it another chance and he went nuts on me and called me horrible names and said he wished I would die (but says he did that because I was "ignoring" all the things he did for me.)

He used to wake me up in the middle of the night, yelling at me to get the f*** out of his house, then when I said I was leaving he'd just lose it and freak out about how horribly I treat him. If this is not abuse, I don't know what is!

He's denying every feeling and thought that I have by saying it is the opposite of what I feel and think it is. How long will this go on?

[myself]

Stay NC if that's what helps. Read about 'extinction bursts'.

Being abusive to you now does not show he's not abusive, you're right.

Do what's best for YOU. There are YOUR thoughts and feelings. This is YOUR Life.

[Newton]

catalina... .  I want to explore your thread question if thats ok with you... .  it sounds important for your personal progress... .  so I ask you ... .  "why do YOU feel you might have done something wrong?... .  

Are you pondering if you could have done better?... .  

Is it possible you have taken on a desire, or want to need to fulfill a "role" in this relationship?... .  

If so, what would that role "look" like?... .  

[catalina]

I had not heard of extinction bursts yet, thank you for that. Here's one of the tips: "Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage."

This is what I've been doing, and when I do, he says I'm being "snobby" because I have kept my replies short and to the point.

I suppose I feel like I've done something wrong because for years he's called me selfish, cold-hearted, mean, and I do not feel that I have been these things. Lately, since I have decided it's time to end the relationship, I feel like I AM these things now. I imagine this is why I've hung around so long, trying to prove that I'm none of these, yet it doesn't matter. To him, I will always be mean, no matter how hard I've tried to be nice and it seems that no matter what I do, it's never enough.

Newton, I'm not sure what you mean.

[Newton]

Catalina... .  it looks like you kinda answered some of my questions in your response  

I'll try and make myself clearer... .  

Walking away when he is "kicking off"... .  is a good thing!... .  we call it a "time out"... .  have you had a chance to look at the lesson on this tool?... .  I, or someone else can post you a link if that would be helpful to you ... .  

"Extinction bursts" are a MAJOR display of BPD acting out/in behaviours... .  it is an accumulation of built up frustration and rage on their part... .  sometimes in response to us setting boundaries... .  sometimes not   it's a bit like a volcano letting off built up energy!... .  (walking in the opposite direction of an erupting volcano is always a good idea for self preservation!)... .  

Again... .  we can post you a direct link to a workshop regarding "extinction bursts" if thats what you need... .  

What do you feel you could have done better?... .  Often in a relationship with a person with BPD we can accept too much responsibility for how they are feeling... .  Did you feel, at times, responsible for changing his feelings?... .  perhaps a desire on your part to make things better?... .   

[catalina]

I guess the feeling is that I failed somehow for not being able to change things. I feel that I may have reacted badly by either ignoring his rants or by arguing, and neither of those methods worked. Of course now I realize that none of my reactions would have been "right" to him unless I was doing exactly what he wanted me to do, all the time.

I think I'm beginning to realize that there was nothing I could do before, but there is something I can do now, and just keep doing what I'm doing, with no contact unless he wants to pick up his child for a visit.

[Newton]

catalina... .  I'm going out on a limb here... .  I'm not sure why but I sense a real submissive narrative in your words... .  and YET... .  a real potential power in who you actually are... .  I feel there is there is something huge you are holding back but I'm not quite sure why?   I think you are much more powerful than you realise  

Most of us have responded to harsh words with rants... .  or ignored them... .  both are a normal human reaction!... .  

The communication tools we can learn here help... .  to a certain degree... .  Have you looked at the SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN, VALIDATION lessons?... .  

Is that knowledge something you are willing to engage in?... .  it's a lot of work... .  and it helps

Working on "boundaries" would be great for protecting your daughter and yourself  

[catalina]

I will look into the lessons a little deeper. I didn't realize there were so many!

Every once in a while, he has a way of getting into my head and making me question  everything I know and believe. I know in my head that he's trying to manipulate me into taking him back, and I also know I don't want to. I'm just having a phase of self-doubt. It will pass. I think I need some closure of divorce and of him moving on.

[myself]

As you change your own patterns, it will seem strange at first, and for awhile, because it's not what you're currently used to. Detachment is an adaption process as well as healing. The more you step away, the easier this will become. The FOG will clear as you grow.

[bpdspell]

Hey Catalina,

Here's a link on extinction bursts:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0


It is very common to still feel the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) when we've chosen to take ourselves out of the BPD hamster wheel. You ex is doing what he knows best: he's being manipulative, bullying, and pulling your emotional strings of guilt. I agree with the others. This time now is about you. Keep the focus on you; not his feelings. Quite honestly taking care of your heart and your feelings are all that matter right now. Do not mix selfish with self-care. You deserve to take care of you. Remember that.

Spell