Advice...

[LitaX007]

Hey everyone,

Sorry I've haven't been posting lately. I've been busy with working full-time and going to college full-time. I have thoug been looking at the boards and workshops and using the tools I've found with my ex-bfwBPD... .  and there has been a dramatic improvement between us. I've recently visited him in SC (he lives there, I live in NJ) and I felt that this particular visit was the best one of them all. I've been dealing with my co-dependency and attachment issues and it had (and stil has) paid off along with the techniques and advice I found on this site. I did have to use one of my boundaries one night when he snapped at me about not wanting to come with me to grab food, but when I left his place, I got a text from him apologizing for snapping at me. That has never happened before. I forgave him and let that go. He still goes to therapy and he seemed A LOT better than ever. The only issue was that he smokes weed on a daily basis. While I was down, I told him that I would not be around him when he smoked, and he accepted that and didn't smoke around me. He told me that it helped him with his emotions and although I have my reservations about weed and do not condone it, I did see that it helped him quite a bit. We even were talking about getting back together. That's the good news... .  

The bad news? Last night I found out that he has an online dating profile that said he was looking for "a weekend to remember with a girl 18-30." The date of his last login was about a week ago and he posted pictures of himself a week after I left SC. I was so angry and upset. I haven't talked to him in a few weeks and I'm torn between telling him that I know about it and just keeping it to myself. There is a chance if I tell him, he will flip out. I feel like I was just a booty call when I went down. I even asked him a few months prior to going down if he was using me as a booty call and he told me no. I don't know what to do. I don't want to start a fight and go back on the progress I've made but sometimes I feel like I can't confront him or be angry with him. A kind word would be appreciated.

[LitaX007]

A little piece of advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated. 

[gina louise]

LitaX007,

You are young, my advice would be decide if this is a deal breaker-the dating profile-It would be for me.

that's a choice only you can make for yourself.

Since you are far enough apart IF you want to disengage-let the r/s be Boring from your end. Be busy, be unavailable. get <cough cough> sick and unable to visit. Keep your contact short and civil. Be polite but don't drop everything to be There for him.

You don't need to confront him-but you deserve a partner that you don't need to "press" ignore on the pot issue. It's an addiction like many others, people use it to self soothe.

You deserve a partner that can be respectful of your r/s and not go trolling online for extra curricular "fun".

decide if those are boundary busters for you-the pot, and the dating profile.

Also do you want a r/s where you have to tippy toe and can't confront him with a legit complaint?

Feel free to post about it.

But if you are that far away keep looking for someone who CAN be honest, doesn't need pot and doesn't create dating profiles while he's in a r/s.

(my HUSBAND did the same thing while I was at work-and we were MARRIED) I know it's rough.

Good Luck!

GL

[LitaX007]

So I just called him and asked him about the dating site and of course he got mad at me. He was also drunk too. Now I'm afraid we're going to go into the silent treatment again. I left a message on his phone apologizing. Now what? 

[gina louise]

 LitaX007,

well, what does Lita Want?  believe me that's a difficult question for any of us to answer.

what did you apologize for? for upsetting him?  he has to take responsibility for his own actions and his own feelings.

Decide if this is what you want out of this (or any) relationship.

Do you need to apologize for things you haven't done?

to be responsible for his hurt feelings?

What are you getting out of this r/s? is he caring for your feelings as much?

Is the fight/silent treatment make up a pattern in your r/s?

All difficult to confront... .  but you have needs too!

Take care of your needs first!

GL

[LitaX007]

I felt like there was going to be a problem if I confronted him about the site (which he admitted to one dating site, but not the one I told him about), but I felt that if I didn't address it, I would be bitter, resentful and angry, and the situation would explode ten fold in the future. I apologized for upsetting him. I thought about how I mentioned the issue and it wasn't the way that I wanted to mention it. He was also drunk when I mentioned it. I tried to see it through his point of view. I sometimes feel like when I'm on the boards and practicing what I learn, I feel like I can't confront him on anything. I want to feel like I did the right thing but I'm not sure.

[gina louise]

LitaX007 ,

well it's tough to talk or reason with a person who's under the influence. so that's one problem.

Another sticky point is that you expect HIM to care for your hurt/resentment.

which he probably cannot do,

He may feel guilty, ashamed or angry-and maybe feel entitled that he has the "right" and freedom to do whatever he chooses.

He's already done what he did.(dating sites)

How can YOU move forwards-no matter what HE does now or doesn't do?

You might want to read the Links directly to the Right-Choosing a Path

You can decide on a boundary-those are for YOU. It's not something you state as a LIMIT for the other person. It a LINE that you choose-and if they cross it, you state the consequence.

Not an ultimatum... .  but  limit that states what YOU will or will not tolerate.

Such as: I will not be in a r/s with a guy who disrespects me by posting and pursuing women on dating sites. If you choose that path-I am out of this r/s. Period.

You choose whether or not you can be in a r/s with a guy who goes on dating sites behind your back.

You decide whether or not you want to be in a r/s where you may be used as a booty call. Some people do the FWB on purpose... .  but I don't advise it.

Good luck,

GL

[LitaX007]

We weren't really back together, we were just discussing it when I visited him. I'm sorry if that wasn't clarified in my posts. I still want to be friends with him. I'm still trying to deal with the cheating issues and jealousy that I have from 4 years ago. He admitted finally during this trip that he did cheat on me. I brought up that a few people told me about it and he calmly admitted it to me when I was down. I figured that brought me enough closure but my anger got the best of me when I found out the dating site. I know I can't control him or change him, I just thought things were going so well. The talking started to taper off after I sent him Christmas gifts (which he did thank me for), yet he would still answer my texts when I texted him (which is once every 2 weeks instead of everyday-when I didn't text him a lot like I used to since he felt I was always bothering him, that helped SIGNIFICANTLY).

[almost789]

Well, you going back to your state is enough to trigger abandonment fears in a pwBPD. They need others, probably why he set up this dating profile. I was going to say that he won't take the idea of you finding a dating profile positively at all. It hurts their perfect image they want to be seen as perfect. But if his acting out comes in the form of cheating. Its quite possible and more likely that he won't stop. Unless he gets into therapy and even then it would take a long time to overcome the acting out.

[Washisheart]

You shouldn't have to apologize for finding out something he did.

You would have a long distance relationship. Can you really trust he won't be doing this every time he feels lonely?

[LitaX007]

So I found out last night that he is now in a relationship with someone. We haven't spoken for 3 weeks. He updated his Facebook and I saw it. After saying he doesn't want a relationship... .  I feel like complete garbage. I feel like an idiot. Yes, I'm in the process of getting myself into therapy but this is not right. What did I do to make him treat me like this? The funny part is that this is not the first time he has attempted to date someone during the off times for the past 9 years, yet I still react strongly to it. The only thing this time around is that I didn't call him or texted him or sent him a message on Facebook freaking out on him. God help me... .