Did you doubt your own instincts because your BPD seemed so "normal"?

[Diana82]

Open question...

It felt like my ex's friends and family lacked insight into her dark side...

Her family didn't seem to know my ex suffered ongoing depression due to her apparently being bullied all throughout childhood...

They didn't know she was in alleged "abusive" relationships before me... and was "almost raped"

They didnt know about her manipulation... her sob stories...

They didn't know she ruthlessly cut people off after arguments and that she forgave nobody


I had a gut instinct something wasn't quite right about my ex. Couldn't pinpoint it until the very end. But I kept pushing away these thoughts because my ex is so "normal"... .  So sweet and caring. Seems so innocent and vulnerable.

She's highly accomplished and respected among peers.

She's a loving family person. So I thought maybe I am too suspicious or paranoid! Never though she'd be capable of exaggerating abuse, lying about assault, manipulating me, cutting me off for good.

[really]

Diana

You will find many stories on this site about ex partners who manage to keep their dysfunction from others ... .  Either because they are good at twisting facts and have enablers in family and friends or because they do not let people get too close.  My ex did both

You seem to be trapped in the thought about whether you were too suspicious.   

Do you think you were?    What would it take to let go of that feeling?   

You seem to be able to identify patterns of behaviour in your ex which suggest she has BPD.   Given that she has been unable to give you what you need what are you expecting now? 

I was trapped in a similar cycle of thoughts for a long time. 

Only complete acceptance of what is and what will never change has helped me to finally let go.   

[waitaminute]

My rs started long distance, on the internet. It was obvious that something was different from the beginning. First phonecall she said after 15 seconds "you are angry... .  Goodbye". Nothing could have been further from the truth. I knew it was projection. And several years of the pushing and pulling followed.

I went in with eyes open. Hope springs eternal for us "helpers".

[bpdspell]

Hey Diana,

On the outside things often look "normal" for many people. But people suffer with all kinds of illness beneath the surface every day. Some have cancer, some have HiV, some have mental illness... .  you really can't just a book by it's cover. It is no different with BPD.

Many of us on here ignored our guts and the red flags in our BPD relationships out of our own desire to have our needs met. If we were emotionally healthy we would have never stayed at the first sign of "offness." But we did and the Leaving Board is about taking ownership of the part that we played in the toxic dysfunction. We can blame our ex's all day; it won't change the fact that they're mentally ill. We can replay the facts over and over again in rumination but it won't change the facts that we allowed this person to treat us badly.

More than likely your ex's family knows that something isn't right with her. BPD isn't created in a vacuum so more than likely they are aware of her volatile breakups and her toxic chaos and drama. Sometimes families are highly enabling as well. What matters most is doing your best to shift the spotlight of healing on you.

I was very angry at my ex's family for creating the monster that he revealed himself to be but then I realized that I was only doing everything in my power to not accept that the love of my life was gone and never coming back. The mirroring, the passion, the idealization; forever gone. I was doing everything to dissect & decipher his thinking and actions because I didn't want to feel my own deeply devastating sadness.

Is this your struggle Diana?

Spell

[AllyCat7]

Many of us on here ignored our guts and the red flags in our BPD relationships out of our own desire to have our needs met. If we were emotionally healthy we would have never stayed at the first sign of "offness." But we did and the Leaving Board is about taking ownership of the part that we played in the toxic dysfunction. We can blame our ex's all day; it won't change the fact that they're mentally ill. We can replay the facts over and over again in rumination but it won't change the facts that we allowed this person to treat us badly.

This is soo on point! I used to put a lot of blame of relationship failures on the other person, but as I've gotten older, I take much more ownership (probably more than I should haha). Anyway, I agree 100%. We were definitely part of the problem. There is something within us that drew us to them and vice versa. This is especially true if you have multiple BPD partners in your past. At the end of these relationships, it's important to take note of the red flags you missed (because they were definitely there) and/or work on yourself and fix those things that need to be fixed so that you attract (and are attracted to) healthier people in the future.

Btw, Diana, I bet you that the next time you meet someone and they show similar red flags as your ex did (or any textbook BPD red flags), you'll run fast... .  no matter how hot she is. I met two guys in particular in the last couple of months that I wrote off after the initial conversation because I picked up some BPD traits... and if not BPD, definitely immature and unhealthy. One was a guy I met in June. I was crushing on him for a while but we only had sporadic communication. We had our first real, deep discussion in December, in which he told me his ex was BPD (red flag) and also that he tends to want what he can't have (major red flag). I told him there's a difference between wanting a challenge and wanting what you can't have. People who always want what they can't have most likely have commitment/intimacy issues (and perhaps BPD) and I've dealt with that bag of tricks already! Another one I met through family. In the initial emails, he was behaving extremely childishly. I thought he must be 22 or so. Turns out he is 37! He also said he was "really bad" in his youth (has tattoos and everything) but now is extremely religious. Talk about identity crisis. He must have run out of his own girl supply because now he's relying on his mommy to hook him up with people. Such a turn off. No thanks! And I wouldn't be surprised if he has BPD.

Anyway, I have noticed patterns in my own behavior. I am working with a therapist, so I hope my mental schema changes so that I can subconsciously filter people out. But in the meantime, I am trying to do it consciously. I am taking note of patterns in how I chose friends and boyfriends in my past (especially for those relationships that didn't work). I'm using those patterns to choose different types of people from here on out. I am also noting the healthy people who are already in my life. I am choosing to invest in these healthy people rather than waste my time trying to "fix" the unhealthy ones (as I usually did). I won't cut the unhealthy people out of my life completely, but I will keep them at a distance... .  especially until I finish working to make myself healthy.

Well anyway, good luck choosing healthy people in the future. We can do it :-)

[Wimowe]

Many of us on here ignored our guts and the red flags in our BPD relationships out of our own desire to have our needs met. If we were emotionally healthy we would have never stayed at the first sign of "offness." But we did and the Leaving Board is about taking ownership of the part that we played in the toxic dysfunction.

This is true of me.  I didn't so much doubt my instincts as disregard them.

My uBPDxgf is brilliant, charming, and charismatic.  People adore her.  They (both male and female) compete for her time and attention.  She has many friends and acquaintances.  She says she has close friendships and many great people in her life.

So it was hard for me at first to accept how she could be so abusive towards me.  Was I missing something? Or was everybody else?  This site helped me understand that it was indeed possible for a pwBPD to be both generally well-liked and abusive to those closest to them. As my T put it, "Everybody loves them.  Except the people who hate them."

My T observed that even the emotionally healthy can be seduced by pwPDs.  She said the only way to prevent being ensnared is to flee at the first sign of BPD behaviors.  She said, "It may be an aberration, but the downside is so down. Just get out of there!"

[Seb]

My exgf also liked to keep a collection of old flames waiting in the wings... and like your ex claimed, they were just friends (tho my exgf did most of her communicating in secret) yet not once had she mentioned that she'd found 'the love of her life'.

What fascinates me in all this is that no matter where we are in the world, who we are, how long our relationships last, anything you want to look at... .  the uniformity of the stories of the members who post here is unbelievable. Diana, the fact that your ex, and my ex, who live on opposite sides of the world, behave in almost identical patterns both fascinates and terrifies me.  It just goes to show this is really a disorder...

[AllyCat7]

She said the only way to prevent being ensnared is to flee at the first sign of BPD behaviors. She said, "It may be an aberration, but the downside is so down. Just get out of there!"

Amen Wimowe! Better early than later! Especially as time invested in a pwBPD doesn't even register with them. You can spend years with them and be of the same worth as someone they met a minute ago. Why waste even a moment on someone like that? Pshhh

Btw, Diana, another red flag I'm looking for (which I didn't think much about before) were people that came on too strongly--this applies to friends and boyfriends. I am quite guarded (I have some intimacy issues myself), so I attracted people who came on really strong and I was attracted to them, too. It made me feel good that someone was "latching" onto me without me having to take emotional risks or even open up. I also have "lonely child" syndrome and so it filled a void. Now I'm working on myself to prevent that and, in the meantime, maintaining healthy distance from people that come on way too strong--instead of getting swept up in their storm of craziness!

[Seb]

Same here Allycat. Coming on too strong was a major  that I ignored - "completely in love" with me after 3 weeks of dating, and would kill herself if anything ever happened to me after 4 weeks! Why I didn't run when I heard that I'll never know. Enforcing clear boundaries, stopping my need to fix broken people, taking my time and learning to trust myself are the key things for me.

i think the silver lining that appears after a BPD relationship is we begin to know ourselves a lot better. When the dust settles we realise that, actually, there's no loss... we gain ourselves. There's no way I would tolerate now what I did with my expwD, that's the gift we get.

[HarmKrakow]

Same here Allycat. Coming on too strong was a major  that I ignored - "completely in love" with me after 3 weeks of dating, and would kill herself if anything ever happened to me after 4 weeks! Why I didn't run when I heard that I'll never know. Enforcing clear boundaries, stopping my need to fix broken people, taking my time and learning to trust myself are the key things for me.



i think the silver lining that appears after a BPD relationship is we begin to know ourselves a lot better. When the dust settles we realise that, actually, there's no loss... we gain ourselves. There's no way I would tolerate now what I did with my expwD, that's the gift we get.

I can soo relate to that   Blergh.

My current gf with BPD came out of a 5 year abusive relationship where she straight went into mine. I thought she was just unlucky (because she was clever), and decided to help her, one thing lead to another. She did finish her studies with an A, however I finished myself with a Z, because I feel crap after this 1.5 year endeavor :P.

[findingmyselfagain]

Yea, I was definitely pretty thoroughly confused by the push/pull nature of the r/s. I went back and read our emails and heard from some people who were "friends" with her. From the beginning of our email conversation, she could come off as the sweetest, as normal as could be. The excitement for the wedding planning and honeymoon was just over the top. But there were always these strange moments, when an angry, unreasonable side would appear. I let them go, believing in the words and the romantic overtures.

The "friends" I heard from pretty much confirmed that r/s's with her don't end well. Even with the next guy it was chock-full of drama and always on the rocks. They were surprised at how fast she fell for me, and how suddenly everything just ended. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one who was shocked by all of it. They told me it still puzzled them. There's a lot of stuff I ignored early on. I had a lot of false beliefs. My ex was very similar to my mom, and on some level I was trying to "love" my ex into a success story. But I didn't know anything about BPD, and a healthy person (not me at the time) would never settle for "potential." I know that now.

Have you read the false beliefs? What's holding you back? I spent so much time ruminating, and it didn't change any of the facts. Two years of my life basically spent in survival mode. I hardly remember... .  it's just flown by. Accepting is a process for all of us, but very necessary to be able to move on and become healthy.

[Sharkey167]

Ha I was warned outright by my best friend who used to be good friends with my ex. He said, "She's crazy, it's hard to explain... .  but you'll know it when you see. It's like knowing who Hitler is but nobody believes you."

Of course I thought it was just him exagerating because of the past. Nope! He was dead on. (Though he didn't know about BPD and neither did I).

And of course it took me a while to get to that "side" of her. God bless my best friend for sticking with me through dating her.

[HarmKrakow]

I also think it's the true quality of a real BPD'er to hunt their prey and let them selves get perceived by you as the helpless beautifull princess who has lost all hope in society and u are her only man in the world who can help her.

... and now I think about it ...

HELLOO how about that for a BIG  ?

Tsss 

[waitaminute]

Comment on "wanting what theye can't have"... .  

I am a strong believer that we create a reality to match our inner view of the world. A person who believes that will likely sabotage the rs so that reality matches their view. They thought they couldn't have you and by God they proved it.