Bittersweet experience

[Chosen]

So last night uBPDh raged.  Actually compared to before, you can't really call it rage, but I guess it is judging by "normal" standards.

Background: We were in taxi, he needed some more money, I know I don't have that much in my purse, so I didn't look and just told him.  After we got off, I realised I have some change (less than what he claimed to need), I told him, and he was angry because he said I'm lazy and can't be bothered to look.  But the truth is, I knew I don't have the amount he claimed to need initially, and I don't know he actually needs less than that.

During the few minutes in between getting off the taxi and getting home, we had a somewhat heated discussion (I didn't raise my voice, he sounded really annoyed).  When we got back home, I had to put down my bag on the chair (that's what I do every day) and that was the last straw.  He threw the mail at me and shouted that he didn't needed to be talked to in that way (as I was walking away from him and toward the chair when I spoke to him).   I told him it was because I was putting down my bag (oh no, JADEd…), and of course he wouldn’t have any of it.  He also threw his wallet (not at me, but on the floor). 

Then I kind of couldn’t be bothered and said sorry, he said “your expression looks so aggressive, look at yourself in the mirror”, then he told me to go into the bathroom (I was glad as I didn’t want to be with him) to look at myself.  I told him I think I look alright, he wouldn’t have any of it.  Later on he asked me to come out, and “explained” that he only shouted at me for my good (he said I would shout at our cat too if he did something wrong, he’s just doing the same to me- funny, he never, ever shouts at the cat no matter how wrong he is).  He said I’m too spoiled by him and that’s why I believe I can saw whatever I want to him.  (No, NO, NOO.  I usually pay a huge price for whatever I saw to him.)  He saw that I have been crying and said if I feel unhappy about anything I should tell him, not to keep it inside.  Then after a few more minutes he told me he loves me. (Duh, whatever.)

So I suppose the “sweet” bit was that he raged only for like 10 minutes, and he stopped, which was surprisingly short compared with before when he would go on for days or hours, and after he stopped he would still complain about me.  I was also surprised that he asked me what’s wrong (although I’m not stupid and didn’t say anything- anything I said will be used against me, so I’d rather let this petty issue drop).  And the bitter bit is how twisted his whole thinking is, and there is no way for me to win.  Him not stating what he wants then scolding me for not fulfilling his wishes is ok; me walking while talking, not reading his mind is not.  When he screams at me it’s for my good and when I get angry it’s because I’m spoiled. 

Sorry for the long post.  I guess I just need to vent.

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[elemental]

 

[laelle]

What do you think he was really saying?  

I have found that when my bf is saying something is for my own good... .  its his excuse for blaming me for his own OCD.

I dont walk fast enough... .  He has a huge OCD with time.

When he accuses me of not thinking about him or his needs.  These are about his insecurities.  Does he feel you thought less of him because he didnt have enough taxi money?  What about the cab driver?  Does he care alot about what other people think of him?

I know for whatever hard time a BPD gives you, they have already given themselves 1000 times harder.  In his rage last night, what do you think was his main emphasis?

Remember, none of this is really about you... .  its somehow linked to him. 

[daylily]

Hi Chosen,

 Not surprisingly, this is a pattern for me too.  H asks me a question without giving me all the information or explaining why he wants the answer.  When I miss the point of the question or assume he wants something different than he really wants, he gets angry.  I have told him that I can't read his mind and i have asked him to tell me the reasons for his questions so I can provide him with a more helpful answer, but he refuses and says that I just need to answer the question as posed.  It feels like he's power tripping, making me answer questions while withholding information.  I often feel as if I'm being cross examined.

ANYTHING I do that affects him even the least bit adversely is cause for blame, regardless of motive.  It's my FAULT, even if I did it unintentionally or had good intentions.  When I ask why it's my fault, he says, "we'll, it's not MY fault, is it?  So it must be yours."

I don't have any advice for you, just know that I'm in the same boat!

 Daylily

[Chosen]

When he accuses me of not thinking about him or his needs.  These are about his insecurities.  Does he feel you thought less of him because he didnt have enough taxi money?  What about the cab driver?  Does he care alot about what other people think of him?

I know for whatever hard time a BPD gives you, they have already given themselves 1000 times harder.  In his rage last night, what do you think was his main emphasis?

Thanks laelle for putting it in perspective.  Yes, H cares a lot about how other people see him... .  he cares about the appearances, whereas I'm the opposite, I couldn't care less how other people perceive me to be, particularly if the view is untrue.

I guess him asking me if I'm upset or him telling me it's for my good is to making himself feel better.  Well, at least it's an improvement from the past, when he wouldn't ask and he wouldn't care.  And of course I will never fall into the trap and tell him I'm upset because he’s unreasonable… he wants the comfort of knowing what he did was ok… well it wasn’t but he shut up and so would I.

In the past I would argue to win, and I need both parties to get the facts right.  With him, I know it’s not possible so I can’t be bothered to argue about mundane things like taking change out of my pocket!

You know what, next time if the same thing happens, if I find out I have more change in my wallet in the end, I would just keep my mouth shut… if I don’t tell him he wouldn’t know

 

[laelle]

LOL, yeah I know the conversation well.

Me: your being unreasonable and just plain mean

Him: your such a selfish child.  Its all about you.

I know what you mean by overly cares about what people think.

I got on a bus in spain and didnt know how "to do it right"... .  he was mortified about what other people were thinking.

I didnt give a crap, I told him I didnt, and I blamed it on being American. 

I was thinking the same thing about not telling him about the change, altho honestly it sounded like he just needed to have a grumble and would have just found something else to grumble about.  Let it wash over you... .  you know he loves you and hes simply an idiot sometimes.