and suddenly it doesn't matter whether they have BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm having moments now of incredible peace and clarity... .  and gratitude

I realise all my life was leading up to this r/ship. I had subconsciously been choosing inappropriate partners with the endgame of decimating myself so as to rebuild from the ground up

And I am doing that now

The break-up with my exBPD is still so confusing to me, and I can slip back... .  have weak days and pine and ruminate. Mostly, I get stuck on what I should own and what they should own.

I did some pretty crazy stuff too, which I have since learned relates to my profound Codependent and controlling tendencies

When we can't fix, rescue or control someone we assessed as never being able to leave us, our entire belief system is shattered. That little voice that has told us we are worthless all of our lives seems to scream the confirmation of that belief. And it's only by going right back to our childhood and the things our parents did or didn't do to us, that we can begin to heal.

Invalidation, passive aggression, being negatively compared to our neighbour's kids, as well as other physical and emotional abuses can combine to set the template for the way we react to life.

The freedom I am finding in the reparenting of myself is incredibly exciting. The ability to stop and examine my feelings instead of reacting inappropriately out of instinct is strangely new and unnatural to me. The ability to find the thought behind the feeling and to examine it and negate it before it ruins my whole day, is liberating. A new way to cope.

So I don't care if my ex has BPD. Certainly there was a selfishness and cruelty that is not found in healthy people.

But this whole crisis was never about them

Great new Alicia Keys song on her latest album called Brand New Me

And I am!



bb12

[bb12]

I'm having moments now of incredible peace and clarity... .  and gratitude

I realise all my life was leading up to this r/ship. I had subconsciously been choosing inappropriate partners with the endgame of decimating myself so as to rebuild from the ground up

And I am doing that now

The break-up with my exBPD is still so confusing to me, and I can slip back... .  have weak days and pine and ruminate. Mostly, I get stuck on what I should own and what they should own.

I did some pretty crazy stuff too, which I have since learned relates to my profound Codependent and controlling tendencies

When we can't fix, rescue or control someone we assessed as never being able to leave us, our entire belief system is shattered. That little voice that has told us we are worthless all of our lives seems to scream the confirmation of that belief. And it's only by going right back to our childhood and the things our parents did or didn't do to us, that we can begin to heal.

Invalidation, passive aggression, being negatively compared to our neighbour's kids, as well as other physical and emotional abuses can combine to set the template for the way we react to life.

The freedom I am finding in the reparenting of myself is incredibly exciting. The ability to stop and examine my feelings instead of reacting inappropriately out of instinct is strangely new and unnatural to me. The ability to find the thought behind the feeling and to examine it and negate it before it ruins my whole day, is liberating. A new way to cope.

So I don't care if my ex has BPD. Certainly there was a selfishness and cruelty that is not found in healthy people.

But this whole crisis was never about them

Great new Alicia Keys song on her latest album called Brand New Me

And I am!



bb12

[Seb]

Great post, bb12. I am just about where you are now, so I resonated very strongly with your post - it was just what I needed to read. I'm going to bookmark it to read some more times.

I'm glad you're feeling positive and with what lies ahead... .  I'm sure you'll be very happy, and you sound well on your way.

Brand New Me, I feel the same way.  

[Suzn]

The freedom I am finding in the reparenting of myself is incredibly exciting. The ability to stop and examine my feelings instead of reacting inappropriately out of instinct is strangely new and unnatural to me. The ability to find the thought behind the feeling and to examine it and negate it before it ruins my whole day, is liberating. A new way to cope.

Fantastic post bb12. 

It is very empowering once we learn new coping skills and implement them, to actually "live" recovery. This is no easy task and you're doing it. Kudos to you. Thank you for sharing this.

[Blazing Star]

The freedom I am finding in the reparenting of myself is incredibly exciting. The ability to stop and examine my feelings instead of reacting inappropriately out of instinct is strangely new and unnatural to me. The ability to find the thought behind the feeling and to examine it and negate it before it ruins my whole day, is liberating. A new way to cope.

Wow bb12, I love it! This really resonated with me.

It takes a certain amount of faith (for want of a better word) and discipline to stop before reacting and examining thoughts behind feelings, it can be a daily struggle for me. And those moments when I 'get it' and seem to do so easily are just Magic!

Yay you! Thanks for posting this!

Love Blazing Star

[turtle]

Great post bb12!

turtle

[myself]

Good post, great to read that others come to this conclusion, too.

Doesn't matter what we label/do not label them, or ourselves.

It's: Is life better now? Is it changing for the better?

[bb12]

thanks everyone - for your feedback and encouragement

yes - life is getting better 

bb12

[HarmKrakow]

I'm having moments now of incredible peace and clarity... .  and gratitude

I realise all my life was leading up to this r/ship. I had subconsciously been choosing inappropriate partners with the endgame of decimating myself so as to rebuild from the ground up

It sounds like a great story!   Unfortunately I hope for me, that it wasn't meant like this. I met my gf w BPD on the top of my personal and professional career. Everything was going fantastic and the only thing I was missing was girl. Then I met her, and now I don't have any of it left over ... while that career I was chasing was and still is(!) what i want for the future.

[LetItBe]

I'm having moments now of incredible peace and clarity... .  and gratitude

I did some pretty crazy stuff too, which I have since learned relates to my profound Codependent and controlling tendencies

When we can't fix, rescue or control someone we assessed as never being able to leave us, our entire belief system is shattered. That little voice that has told us we are worthless all of our lives seems to scream the confirmation of that belief. And it's only by going right back to our childhood and the things our parents did or didn't do to us, that we can begin to heal.

Invalidation, passive aggression, being negatively compared to our neighbour's kids, as well as other physical and emotional abuses can combine to set the template for the way we react to life.

The freedom I am finding in the reparenting of myself is incredibly exciting. The ability to stop and examine my feelings instead of reacting inappropriately out of instinct is strangely new and unnatural to me. The ability to find the thought behind the feeling and to examine it and negate it before it ruins my whole day, is liberating. A new way to cope.

bb12, I can really relate to your very insightful post.  Thank you!

I did some pretty crazy stuff, too.  I had to discover my own codependent and controlling tendencies before I could let them go.  It is so empowering to be able to choose a new way of being.

Good for you.  I am very happy for you! 

[maria1]

Hi BB12

Great post- I feel very similar. I'm thinking more and more my ex is actually less BPD but it also doesn't matter that much. The relationship was/ is impossible because he can't accept love for whatever reason.

What does matter is my own codependency and my own ability/ inabilty to accept love from others.

Like you I feel I have been building up to that relationship all my life.

Invalidation, passive aggression, being negatively compared to our neighbour's kids, as well as other physical and emotional abuses can combine to set the template for the way we react to life

That about sums it up! Time for you now- great work, you are building a new you from the ground up and you're pretty great already so the new you will be utterly awesome! x

[bb12]

Thanks nonGF and maria1 for your lovely words 

[heartandwhole]

Right there with ya, bb12      I could have written practically the same words, but I'm glad you did and I'm happy for you.  Like you, I am learning so much by working on MY issues.  When I think of pwBPD, which is much less often now, it is with the same compassion and love that I am feeling for myself these days.  He wanted to control things out of fear, and so did I - we just did it in different ways.  I'm grateful to be learning how to take care of that scared little girl inside.

Congrats and best wishes to you 

heartandwhole