Recovery from damage from my BPDEX

[freshlySane]

I am posting here to tell my story i need people to hear me and as well to heal from my pain and to teach others suffering with this problem and people who suffered with people with this problem.

I met my BPD in high school over 13 years ago we dated and broke up and reconnected three years ago on Facebook. I didn't realize how much i still thought about her and cared for her. The night we met up we had sex the best sex in the world we made love all night the next couple of days was like a world wind. I felt sorry for her when she told me her life after we parted ways in high school i instantly wanted to hold her in my arms and protect her ... .  I know i have problems i suffer from depression and ocd so i know i'm a co- dependent person who thrived on being there for someone who needed me because i needed to be her shining knight in white satin armor. She has three kids for two previous men and she is bi sexual she told me she was divorced and was in a relationship with a women for three years and how her ex husband raped her and she conceived her youngest child i  was mortified and angry i wanted to kill this guy for her.

She was alone and struggling with life and being a single mother. I always went to see her and spent many weekends and nights at her place she told me how much she loved the fact that i was so into her. Now when she started to show signs of issues she told me she had depression and i felt like we were soul mates because she understood me.

     She started to become very controlling hated that when she called me shed her female voices in the background ( i was in school and i was always around many people even females). She would tell me that she didn't like that i didn't call her during the day because she wanted to hear my voice during the day i am guessing this was her lack of obstancy showing thru i did everything to make her comfortable and to feel loved. I spent money on her took her out and watched her kids. we argued over the littlest things things i thought was crazy when the relationship started to tank she started to cheat on me with her ex girlfriend the one who had her arrested for assault but she told me her lied and made everything up of course i believed her.

When we got into a fight over if i had erased her passwords on  Facebook i left the apartment to go clear my head i came back with dinner for the family still she was mad and i left again to not over react to the situation i went into the hall sat on the stairs she ran down and kicked me in the head full force. i got up at her and looked at her perplexed then she began to punch me and tell me how horrible i was i grab her and told her to never put her hands on me this was the first time she attacked me physically. I felt bad because she made me feel as if i hurt her. I paid for her to go to Florida to get away from her life here in NY. watching her home and kids not knowing she was with her ex-husband trying to reconcile there relationship because she was being evicted from her home. when i found out she blamed me for being insecure and that she only lied to him to get him to provide for his kids. i believed her when she was evicted.

She moved to Florida and told me his family was going to put her up and tell me that he was not in the picture that she hated him for all that he had done to her. at first she avoided me and i thought we was over then she became heavy into me again i paid little bills for her and sent her gifts to make her and the kids life easier. She berated me many times when i told her i didn't deserve this horrible treatment any time she felt i wasn't loving enough to her she cheated on him with me and vice versa as well as with both of us with other men in Florida.

I paid for her to come to NY many times some wonderful visits some horrible. eventually he found out and i found out the truth and she moved back to NY with her ex girl friend. i was distraught i really loved her wanted her. my family helped me to try to get over her but i couldn't i was not going to therapy any more and i missed her or missed saving her. i contacted her again mind you when she broke it off with me she told me i don't deserve to breath and people like me deserve to die. so when i contacted her she was happy. she asked me why i never tried to contact her before i told her that i was trying to respect her relationship and i didn't want to interfere she couldn't understand my logic she still felt that i abandoned her and the kids. we got back together while she was with her ex she lied to her and me i found out after that she was still seeing her. She had to move to a shelter and had just lost her job i gave her a job at my store gave her money for us to get an apartment. everything seemed wonderful again. she complained i'm not romantic enough i'm not like the guy in fifty shades of grey i'm not like the guys in the relationship books (Think Like a man act like a women).

I went crazy taking her out five star restaurants taking her kids out buying them things telling her how wonderful she is when she had her depressive episodes or suicidal episodes. I worked 12 hr days 60 hr weeks while she got to do what ever she wanted at my store and got paid. then she told me i was a horrible boss i am always moody i'm weak and pathetic for how i conducted work and life. I took time off from work to give her two romantic days of just us just the way she asked  on the night of the second day i was tired i had a 14 day work schedule ahead of me and i was tried she texted me and i responded when i got the chance i was tired and i wanted to sit down relax and just watch tv. She was mad because i wasn't giving her attention. I called her to see whats wrong she hung up on me like she always did when she was mad we got into an argument and i snapped i told her who the hell would want to be with her with the way she treated me BOOM nail in the coffin. She held that over me for months i apologized i was sorry i said that but i was frustrated and hurt she kept tearing me down.


Now she left me i am unemployed i helped her get a better job where she is thriving she has a man in the military she tells me that she is so in love with mind you she was talking to him when she was with me and how i was the worst thing in her life. I'm picking up the pieces

and as much as i want to hate her i;m trying to forgive her she been abused as a child and lost both parents at an young age so her story is very rough. I made my mistakes and i handle things wrong but no one deserves that abuse. this is just a cliff notes of that relationship,

She abusive to me and occasion have been to her kids when i stepped in to stop the abuse she told me never get in the way of her discipline her children. I just hope she gets help for her issues.

[freshlySane]

Id really love some feedback harsh or pleasant i don't care just want your thoughts

[waitaminute]

Classic story. You are in the right place.

[FoolishOne]

Definitely in the right place... .  and definitely seek out a good therapist schooled in BPD... .  you'll need someone that can feel your pain.

F1

[Tausk]

Welcome:

You're not alone.  Your story is our stories.  Just continue to read and write and it gets better.

We understand and there is a proven path for recovery.  So hang in there and breath.

In support

SP