One year out

[Gus926]

I've not been around the board in quite some time.  But, lately I have been thinking of a lot of the folks here and the pain and confusion so many of you are going through.  I myself went through the same things.  So I thought that I'd give all a little update and a little hope.

It's been one year since I spoke at all with my exBPDgf.  Six days after our engagement on New Years Eve (yeah, I know, kind of cheesy) she cheated on me (not the first time as I came to find out) and became increasingly distant.  I knew it but couldn't prove it until several weeks later. 

Once proven, I knew that we were done... .  for good.  I had struggled with her for three years but yet I came to love her and her daughter more deeply than anyone I ever had.  After doing some research about two years in to try to explain the behaviors she was exhibiting, I came across this site and the pieces all fell into place.  In retrospect, I should have bailed at that point, but like so many here, I loved her.  I was committed to her and her daughter and to us.  I have never given up on anything in my life and knew that I could help her.  I was wrong.

To try to explain things I dug into the research and read more books than I had read in ten years.  It all began to make sense to me.  All of her behaviors, all of her actions, everything.  And, I am convinced, she knows it as well and either is in denial herself, or is just simply incapable of dealing with her illness.  Thus, her saga continues.

I wrote her a long roughly ten page letter and emailed it to her one year ago tonight.  It explained everything.  Everything that she had done to me, her daughter, us, and my responses to her actions and behaviors.  I told her everything... .  completely opening my brain, my guts, and my soul and allowing everything to spill out onto the paper.  I closed it saying that I had forgiven her, that I loved her, cared about her, and always would.  And I meant it.  I still do.  I know that there is an amazing woman hiding behind those walls in the form of a terrified child.  I have also come to know that there is nothing that I can do about it.  Nothing.

Following that, I sat down and penned an email to her mother, the parent that she was closest to (I have come to discover that her mother very likely suffers from the same malady).  I explained everything to her, her likely diagnosis, my fears and concerns for her daughter and her granddaughter, my willingness to assist her in getting help for her daughter... .  everything.

365 days later, I have not heard one word from either my ex, her daughter, or her mother.  Not even a whisper.  I suspect that that is because she now knows that I know what she knows, and she can't handle that.  Whatever the reason, it took me awhile to come to terms with that.  But, after several months, I began to become less troubled by it and I was doing pretty well.  My birthday was at the end of July and I fully expected to hear from her then as birthdays were always really important to her, yet... .  nothing.  Truthfully, I didn't lose too much sleep over it.

And, now, I am well.  I am still single and have no intention of changing that status anytime soon.  If the right woman happens to come along we'll see how that goes, but for now I am happy, content, and not looking.  It's me and my dog against the world and it suits us just fine.

Do I still think about her?  Yes, but there is no longer any pain.  Sorrow at the loss of what could have been and concern with the hope that she is doing well, yes, but no pain.  I attend Mass weekly and always include her and her daughter in my prayers.  I do hope that God keeps her in His care and helps her in ways that He sees fit.

One common theme that I see here very often, and one that I had difficulty with as well, is closure.  Others may disagree, but I will say that there is no closure, in the traditional sense, other than the closure you give yourself.  She/He won't or can't give you the answers that you seek, so please don't torture yourself trying to get them.  Forgive yourself, forgive her/him, and get on with your life without them in it. It is difficult to be sure, but it is what is best for you and it is what is best for them.

Best of luck to everyone here.

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks for letting us know how well you are doing one year out.  The no closure is such a bugger, after these intense long term relationships, to go to dead silence.  I think it comes down to not knowing what to say or how to act.  So much of the personality is a role they are playing, some roles they become very proficient in.  The ex confessed to me that he wanted to ask me how I am doing but he didn't know if that was right or not.  He didn't know if that was allowed.  During the marriage, there were times he would tell me, I don't what to say, I don't know how to act about that.  Almost like an actor asking a director, ok how does my character feel in this next scene.  What I am saying is that she probably didn't respond because she had no idea how she should respond.  She didn't have a script to follow.  Sad really when you think about it.

I'm with you on being against the world with a dog.     Being adored by your pet is soothing to the soul.  Good on you for praying for the best for her and her daughter, I'm sure it is being answered.  The times I think about ex are when I'm upset or anxious, like he was my self soother against feeling those feelings.  Not a healthy way to deal with stress, to depend on another person to help avoid those feelings.  Learning better ways, like taking the dog for a romp.

[really]

Thanks for your post and your courage is inspiring.   I wish I had that courage and clarity of mind to do likewise.   I tortured myself for a year.   I had been cheated on with at least two people (am sure it was more).   She could not admit the second one but she is with the guy now and it's clear it started well before she ended it with me.   

Didn't get any of the closure that I was looking for.     I too pray for my ex.   I think she has a tough road ahead of her.    At some point the things she has failed to address will catch up with her I am sure but I wish her no harm.   

[HarmKrakow]

Thanks for your post Seriously! It is indeed inspiring.

Just one question though, have there been days, where there were 24h of not thinking of her?

[Gus926]

Just one question though, have there been days, where there were 24h of not thinking of her?

Of course.

Truthfully, she now occupies a position alongside my other past relationships.  I still think about them all from time to time.  But her, being the most recent, perhaps more often.  When you hear a song that meant something to both of you, stand next to another woman who is wearing the same perfume that she wore, etc... .  , thoughts of her are there.  It's normal for that to happen.  It's biological, psychological, and... .  normal.  It's how our brains are wired.  How you respond to those thoughts determines where you are in your healing process.

Me? I respond by thinking fondly of our good times together... .  and there were many, but not dwelling on them.  I also respond (during the times that I do give it deeper thought) with thoughts of pity.  I know that that sounds a bit holier than thou, but I really do feel sorry for her and for everyone who suffers from this disorder and will continue to.  I can't imagine the hell that she lives in.

But the key, I think, is that I stopped dwelling on those thoughts long ago.  Once I moved beyond the "woe is me" mentality and stopped feeling sorry for myself, I began to heal.  I have a life to live that doesn't include her, and that's OK.  I lived that life for many years before I met her and I'll live that life for many years to come.

One last word of advice for those just starting this journey.  Cut yourself off from your BPD.  No contact isn't just a catchy phrase, it is a necessity.  You cannot move on with your life and you cannot heal if you keep picking at that scab.  It just won't happen.  Staying in contact serves no purpose whatsoever.  I know that many are trying to salvage something... .  anything, but it's not going to happen.  You are not going to get any answers and you are not going to heal until you move on.  You may want to help them, and that's an admirable quality, but know this... .  you can't.  So don't bother even trying.

You lived your life just fine before them and you'll live your life just fine after them.  Just go out and live it.

[joanlee]

I love this. It's been a year and a half since my divorce from my BPD ex husband... .  he tried to keep an email relationship going, it got abusive, I finally told him to stop. It's the only way I could survive. Recently he has taken up with his old high school friend's widow. I can't explain the feelings I was unprepared to have. I didn't think I'd care. But all those feelings come flooding back in. I was the one who left him (finally, after 36 years!), and I thought I'd be glad to be rid of him. I do feel better that he's getting on with his life, but I'm still grieving. I thinking I'm moving along, but every once in a while, something comes out of the blue and hits me. I am finally able to listen to music after all this time. I'm conflicted as to whether to tell my kids that he has this disorder, since I'm not a psychologist. But sometimes I wish they knew, so they could understand him better. He's an alcoholic also. I can't imagine his new girlfriend won't find him out before long. After this frigid winter is over, I plan to get more involved in the community, or possibly move somewhere and start a new life. I've been in a cocoon trying to heal for the past couple of years. And yes, I have my sweet little dog at my side. Don't know what I'd do without her. I'm not concerned with finding another 'soul mate' at this point. I'm doing fine by myself. If it happens some day, fine. At my age (63), I'm not too excited about the prospects out there. I am so much more at peace, and learning every day. That's what's important. Thanks for your post

[joanlee]

Interesting that you said you wrote a letter. I have not been able to write a goodbye letter until just recently. I feel like I need to send it, because he never listened to anything I said. I don't want to start anything, and I don't want to hear from him, but I feel like I want to send it for my own selfish healing. I'm still conflicted about this, whether it will just make things worse, etc. We had no closure at all. I just left after 36 years. i couldn't talk to him because he was drunk all the time, and will never admit to having any problems. No point in talking. I feel like sending the letter just to give myself some closure. What have I to lose?

[Clearmind]

Gus, thanks for the update!

What helped you move past the pain the most? (Apart from NC)

[Gus926]

Gus, thanks for the update!

What helped you move past the pain the most? (Apart from NC)

I think that probably the most helpful thing for me was just to stay busy and to try to keep my mind off of it in the short term.  As we all know, moping around the house, sitting and staring at the walls and thinking about our BPDs, or looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle Crown Royal, aren't exactly helpful (though most of us go through that stage... .  I certainly did, and had a few monumental hangovers to show for it. ).  One day, I just realized that I needed to keep my mind busy and that even if she did contact me and wanted some type of relationship, I was committed to not allowing that to happen again.  So, with those thoughts in mind, it didn't make much sense to me to sit and stew over it any longer.

I worked more, I began working out some, I started running again in the evenings.  Mostly though, just things that were good for me physically and emotionally.

I think that the best thing, at least for me, was to just make that decision... .  "I'm miserable, I'm tired of hurting, and... .  I'm done."  And then... .  sticking to it.  Before long you think of them less and less and it gets easier every day.

[cookiecrumbled]

Thank you, Gus.   

Cookie

P.S.  I will go out with you.