Does it make me a bad person...

[DCBHM]

I'm fully aware of BPD, and this isn't my first rodeo. I've been with my current s/o for almost 2 years. She's cheated, she's cut herself, she's thrown crazy tantrums and threatened breakups constantly - but ever since I started locking down my feelings/boundaries - she's gone into helplessness/guilt-shaming/dependent mode.

I've gone above and beyond... .  I basically had to let down ultimatums in order to get her to make incremental improvements (getting a job, apartment, etc.) and as soon as I back off a little she starts skipping work and rent payments. She made several excuses, talked about how her hours were getting cut - but I found where she was turning down shifts at work or skipping out altogether.

At the beginning of January I told her I would pay her rent, gas and for the first week of daycare - IF - she followed my instructions on job hunting, working her shifts, and applying for food stamps/unemployment to keep herself afloat.

She put in maybe 10 applications during the week and otherwise would sit at a park or bookstore drinking coffee. Then whenever the next week's daycare payment was due - she ranted, cried, and screamed that she couldn't pull her son out of daycare (He's 2) because it would set him back in life.

I told her if it was so important to her, she should have been looking for work harder. She has an excuse for everything.

She won't apply for 90% of the jobs that are available/hiring because "it is embarrassing to work there."

She won't apply for unemployment because "I don't want to live off the government" - even though she had no problem doing it before.

She won't apply for food stamps because "It is too far to drive."

Meanwhile, she keeps making statements like she is going to move in with me when she gets kicked out of her apartment, and that I should pay for daycare and everything so she can just sit at home all day on facebook being a "housewife" who even as someone I've dated I've paid someone to clean up after she leaves because she trashes my house constantly.

I'm just tired of helping her limp along. Her family got tired of her long ago and cut her off, and I've picked up the slack for the most part - but I've always expected her to help herself. I was raised to help those who help themselves, but she acts as though she wants to just do nothing and have me handle all the lifting.

Even when it comes to job interviews, she begs her sister to impersonate her and go instead so that she doesn't have to do anything. She'll beg me to make her phone calls to the child support office, etc. so she doesn't have to because she doesn't like talking to them.

Meanwhile, her "solution" to her rent problem is to charge people to have sex with her 2-3 times a week to generate income, which she graciously ran by me to see how smart of an idea I thought it was.

So does it make me a bad person to put up with all her bullcrap? Does it make me a bad person to consider leaving her to fend for herself? Does it make me a bad person to want to focus on my own family, and my own problems (work, college, etc.)?

And finally, does it make me a bad person to look at all the things I'd have to do in order to maintain this relationship as far as communication skills, etc. and think that it is far too much effort and I can find someone without these issues?

[Clearmind]

I appreciate your sentiment DCBHM in helping with bills etc.

I am wondering if you offering to pay for 2 weeks worth of bills if she does x,y,z maybe a little controlling?

Is it possible to re-read your post and then ask yourself the question of ":)oes this make me a bad person"? again!

You are saving a person at your own expense! Sometimes we need to allow our loved ones to fall and falter all on their own - she is looking to you as a parental figure right now and I would hazard a guess you are filling that role.

Step back my friend! Move away from the enmeshment and then see how the r/s goes - you cannot save her!

We all have our issues - yes sometimes we may need to check in on our own coping skills, relationship skills. Whether we stay in these r/s or not - we all have some work to do - not everyone attaches to a Borderline!

[hithere]

So does it make me a bad person to put up with all her bullcrap?

I am curious, what do you get out of this relationship and why do you stay?

To be honest it sounds like a total train wreck, it is so bad I can not even give you any (even a far-fetched) way of improving it.  It seems like she wants you to be her care-giver and by default a care-giver to her child... .  that is a lot of responsibility and would surely leave you very unhappy.

[DCBHM]

I appreciate your sentiment DCBHM in helping with bills etc.

I am wondering if you offering to pay for 2 weeks worth of bills if she does x,y,z maybe a little controlling?

Is it possible to re-read your post and then ask yourself the question of ":)oes this make me a bad person"? again!

You are saving a person at your own expense! Sometimes we need to allow our loved ones to fall and falter all on their own - she is looking to you as a parental figure right now and I would hazard a guess you are filling that role.

Step back my friend! Move away from the enmeshment and then see how the r/s goes - you cannot save her!

We all have our issues - yes sometimes we may need to check in on our own coping skills, relationship skills. Whether we stay in these r/s or not - we all have some work to do - not everyone attaches to a Borderline!

I do think it could be construed as controlling in some circles. I basically told her in advance that "If I pay your bills, here is what I expect." My father did the same thing to me when I got laid off about 10 years ago, and I found it motivating at the time. I guess I've tried re-enacting that lesson with her because she does seem to look to me as a parental figure.

I have had problems with codependency now and in the past, and I know I'm a "people pleaser" and go way above and beyond for no good reason.

She gives me that constant 'fix' that comes from helping someone, but as it gets more and more ridiculous I begin to question my own sanity.

[DCBHM]

So does it make me a bad person to put up with all her bullcrap?

I am curious, what do you get out of this relationship and why do you stay?

To be honest it sounds like a total train wreck, it is so bad I can not even give you any (even a far-fetched) way of improving it.  It seems like she wants you to be her care-giver and by default a care-giver to her child... .  that is a lot of responsibility and would surely leave you very unhappy.

Less and less as time goes on. Sex, excitement, and the feel of intimacy are literally the only things holding it together. I get a 'fix' out of helping people, and have several friends that I pay or offer food/a place to crash when they are in times of need. But nobody is as needy as she is. She's like a black hole of needy.

I've already got three kids, and it feels like I'm taking on 2 more most of the time.

Now that I go back and read what I wrote, it does sound like an epic trainwreck.

[Newton]

DCBHM ... .  there is a very fine line to tread between helping someone... .  and enabling them.

It's important to identify what your expectations and needs are... .  are they being fulfilled?... .  

It sounds like your desire to feel useful for her is about all you are achieving at present... .  and it's important to question why this desire is so fundamental to you... .  

I would imagine there is much more you have to offer someone than utility... .  

[Clearmind]

I get you!

It really does come down to expectations - yours! And what she can actually provide.

Talking generally here - what do want in a partner?

[DCBHM]

DCBHM ... .  there is a very fine line to tread between helping someone... .  and enabling them.

It's important to identify what your expectations and needs are... .  are they being fulfilled?... .  

It sounds like your desire to feel useful for her is about all you are achieving at present... .  and it's important to question why this desire is so fundamental to you... .  

I would imagine there is much more you have to offer someone than utility... .  

I agree with both of you. Ultimately the source of my current issue (regardless of who/what she is) is my own expectations.

To be honest, there are 'lucid' for lack of a better term times where I'm completely understanding of the difficulties and one-way emotional rescue I need to engage in to make this relationship progress/work. Over time, no matter how strong you are eventually you break down when the person who was completely capable of getting a job a week ago suddenly acts as if they can't tie their own shoe.

The little things. Nagging, knee-jerking responses, the negativity associated with her eventually pepper me down until my own self-control is erased and I just feel miserable and start blaming her for the dynamic. I walked into it openly understanding what I was getting into - but no matter how strong you are it eventually breaks you down and you lose perspective in the enmeshment.

My fundamental "white knighting" desire is something I struggle with, but I do at least recognize it and am attempting to get it under control. I can't make excuses about it.

I guess my biggest concern at this point is the extreme guilt I feel when I contemplate leaving her/her kid to her own devices. I like her son just fine. I've even offered to babysit for her even though I told her we are on a "break."

Even when I break up with her (which I've done several times) she cries/begs/whatever to get me to take her back. I'm trying at this point to maintain the presence of mind to make a clear/rational decision of how to proceed, but I have my self-doubts and nagging desire to "give it one more chance" each time - no matter how extremely messed up things get.

Last year I broke up with her. After about a week of trying to win me back, she went and screwed a couple of 40-50 year old guys (she's 22) who promised she could stay at their house so she wouldn't have to get a job. This was after I had given her money and helped her hunt for jobs AFTER our breakup.

Now that I've told her I'm thinking about it again, she's contemplating the same thing or even prostituting herself - as opposed to doing things which require 15 minutes of effort on her part (doing her unemployment application, food stamps, etc.) which would give her enough to pay rent and feed herself. Her rent (including utilities) is only $450 per month. She doesn't need to generate that much to live... .  I don't understand what her problem is, and why when faced with being kicked to a homeless shelter her response is to lazily say "It's okay I'll move in with you." despite repeatedly being told I'm not letting that happen.

[Clearmind]

The little things. Nagging, knee-jerking responses, the negativity associated with her eventually pepper me down until my own self-control is erased and I just feel miserable and start blaming her for the dynamic. I walked into it openly understanding what I was getting into - but no matter how strong you are it eventually breaks you down and you lose perspective in the enmeshment.

Yes! And great perspective DCBHM. This is exactly what happened in my r/s. I was boundary-less. I did not enjoy the stealth abuse however I said nothing! I enabled – to be honest I didn’t even realize it was abuse at the time.

Lack of boundaries on our part leads to shutting down which later leads to resentment and emotional outbursts! Helpful? No! Not to us or our partners.

Emotional maturity and not getting embroiled in the madness, not taking what they say to use seriously and having some independence is paramount if any of these r/s are to made better. It will never be perfect! You can work on your side of the fence however you cant force her work on hers.

My fundamental "white knighting" desire is something I struggle with, but I do at least recognize it and am attempting to get it under control. I can't make excuses about it.

What is your plan?

I guess my biggest concern at this point is the extreme guilt I feel when I contemplate leaving her/her kid to her own devices. I like her son just fine. I've even offered to babysit for her even though I told her we are on a "break."

Have you considered the thought that she is an adult?

Even when I break up with her (which I've done several times) she cries/begs/whatever to get me to take her back. I'm trying at this point to maintain the presence of mind to make a clear/rational decision of how to proceed, but I have my self-doubts and nagging desire to "give it one more chance" each time - no matter how extremely messed up things get.

Last year I broke up with her. After about a week of trying to win me back, she went and screwed a couple of 40-50 year old guys (she's 22) who promised she could stay at their house so she wouldn't have to get a job. This was after I had given her money and helped her hunt for jobs AFTER our breakup.

Now that I've told her I'm thinking about it again, she's contemplating the same thing or even prostituting herself - as opposed to doing things which require 15 minutes of effort on her part (doing her unemployment application, food stamps, etc.) which would give her enough to pay rent and feed herself. Her rent (including utilities) is only $450 per month. She doesn't need to generate that much to live... .  I don't understand what her problem is, and why when faced with being kicked to a homeless shelter her response is to lazily say "It's okay I'll move in with you." despite repeatedly being told I'm not letting that happen.

DCBHM, I know its hard to make a decision – you may feel like I did – if I move out/break up with my partner he will be useless without me. My friend – she needs to learn to cope on her own. While you prop her up she will not help herself.

Do you see that maybe you part of the issue here?

Talking generally here - what do want in a partner?

?

[DCBHM]

The little things. Nagging, knee-jerking responses, the negativity associated with her eventually pepper me down until my own self-control is erased and I just feel miserable and start blaming her for the dynamic. I walked into it openly understanding what I was getting into - but no matter how strong you are it eventually breaks you down and you lose perspective in the enmeshment.

Yes! And great perspective DCBHM. This is exactly what happened in my r/s. I was boundary-less. I did not enjoy the stealth abuse however I said nothing! I enabled – to be honest I didn’t even realize it was abuse at the time.

Lack of boundaries on our part leads to shutting down which later leads to resentment and emotional outbursts! Helpful? No! Not to us or our partners.

Emotional maturity and not getting embroiled in the madness, not taking what they say to use seriously and having some independence is paramount if any of these r/s are to made better. It will never be perfect! You can work on your side of the fence however you cant force her work on hers.

My fundamental "white knighting" desire is something I struggle with, but I do at least recognize it and am attempting to get it under control. I can't make excuses about it.

What is your plan?

I guess my biggest concern at this point is the extreme guilt I feel when I contemplate leaving her/her kid to her own devices. I like her son just fine. I've even offered to babysit for her even though I told her we are on a "break."

Have you considered the thought that she is an adult?

Even when I break up with her (which I've done several times) she cries/begs/whatever to get me to take her back. I'm trying at this point to maintain the presence of mind to make a clear/rational decision of how to proceed, but I have my self-doubts and nagging desire to "give it one more chance" each time - no matter how extremely messed up things get.

Last year I broke up with her. After about a week of trying to win me back, she went and screwed a couple of 40-50 year old guys (she's 22) who promised she could stay at their house so she wouldn't have to get a job. This was after I had given her money and helped her hunt for jobs AFTER our breakup.

Now that I've told her I'm thinking about it again, she's contemplating the same thing or even prostituting herself - as opposed to doing things which require 15 minutes of effort on her part (doing her unemployment application, food stamps, etc.) which would give her enough to pay rent and feed herself. Her rent (including utilities) is only $450 per month. She doesn't need to generate that much to live... .  I don't understand what her problem is, and why when faced with being kicked to a homeless shelter her response is to lazily say "It's okay I'll move in with you." despite repeatedly being told I'm not letting that happen.

DCBHM, I know its hard to make a decision – you may feel like I did – if I move out/break up with my partner he will be useless without me. My friend – she needs to learn to cope on her own. While you prop her up she will not help herself.

Do you see that maybe you part of the issue here?

Talking generally here - what do want in a partner?

?

My plan for getting things under control is returning to therapy. I abandoned therapy in 2010 when I was laid off during the real estate crash. I was able to continue using ssri medication though, because I could get a $10 prescription, but then I lost health insurance and couldn't continue that either. Now that I'm 'stable' so-to-speak, I can hopefully get back into that and continue bettering myself.

Yes - she is an adult. But when you are with her or see her decision making, you know how hopeless the situation will be without you there. At least that is how it feels. She doesn't think further than 5 minutes ahead. For instance, she needed gas money so she stole a bunch of things from my house to pawn off instead of asking me - and then when I confronted her about it, it was excuse after excuse about how she needed the money more than I needed those things.

If I didn't understand what she was going through BPD-wise, that would have been where the relationship ended. But I've tried to be so open-minded it feels like my brain has fallen out.

And yes... .  ultimately I did tell her that I felt like me being there in her life was only a crutch, and she was not going to progress if I was there to bail her out. But I've already seen her "plan" for me leaving her life, and it is to put random ads on craigslist promising sex/whatever to just move onto someone's couch or spare bedroom. She has no plan to improve and no desire - and for some reason I keep making that my responsibility when it isn't.

As far as what I want in a relationship - I guess the fairytale thing. I keep white-knighting, hoping that I will 'rescue' these people, they will fall in love, and then we both improve and work together. Nothing ever reaches that last step though. I want these people I've dated to improve. And for some reason, there is no challenge when I find someone who already has their ducks in a row. It is almost like I'm not interested.

And coincidence or not - I've had three ex-girlfriends text/facebook me today to discuss their problems. All of them were in the same mold, and none of them are any better off now than they were when our liaison ended. It is demoralizing - and I realize my own perspective, understanding, and expectations are my problem here.

I'm trying to be Zen, but it is hard sometimes.

[rollercoaster24]

I totally hear you DCBHM!

My partner is now 45, and he has been unemployed for 4 years, it has always been someone else's fault too! He was blaming his brother when we first met, then me, then his parents, then back to me, and all the people in my life, that have caused him to stay 'homeless' and no longer living with me...

In the real sense of the world, he is not homeless officially, he has a 'shedroom' at his parents, which is not ideal accommodation in the heat of summer, but he could have made it a lot more comfortable and lined it. He could also have looked for part-time work, which would obviously improve his self-esteem, and enable him to make a weekly contribution towards his parents power bill...

I would not say he is completely without conscience, and does try to make as low of an impact on his parents as possible, whilst also paying some of his own bills... however, his costs when he decides to be 'homeless', (hanging out in a nearby city at the beach, or near the beach sitting in his car), or sitting in libraries using free internet and enjoying their air con, are too high... here we factor in cigarettes, petrol in a V6, and takeaway foods and coffees.

The weather here is one factor in what he is doing, his room is very hot with little ventilation, and it is the middle of summer, some days have been in the mid 40's... The biggest factor is his dysfunctional relationship with his parents, and well, everyone else except me... and that can change from day to day as well... If he is dysregulating, or projecting, or under financial stress, he perceives everything to be against him... I am walking on eggshells in every phone call, but I cannot listen to him denigrating everyone for too long, as it is taxing to my soul... .  

The last few days have been OK, (for the first in weeks), but Sat night he called me a C**T and flew out of my house at 1am... I gave him the finger as he drove off, and sent him a text message, telling him off... He was back five minutes later... .  and had calmed down thank Goodness...

Tomorrow, I expect to be abused again verbally, he will have little money, little smokes, too unwell to resolve things with his elderly parents, and will spend his day either in the library, or sitting in his car at a park... eating very little... .  pretty sad...

He could just go back to his parents, apologise, and partake in all their comforts of living... but NO, he won't... I know his Mother is not 'starving him'... I know she would not begrudge him anything at all... but as usual, all he can see, is what he perceives them to be doing to him, being mean, making him feel guilty etc... but if you observed the way he speaks to them, you would not be surprised... it is almost as if he has no memory of what he might have just said... selective memory I think!