name calling

[Katlvr]

Hi when my BPD partner rages he will say the most horrible things... it is so hard not to take it personally... I dont yet understand the set or jade, does the BPD mean the things they are saying? Do they know they are raging? I cannot understand how they cannot know this isnt normal when they see their actions hurting someone so much... I never name call him back... he used to apologize later but no longer does now he just goes back to the "nice" self after a rage like nothing ever happened after he calms down...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

What do you do when he calls you a name, or curses at you?

[Katlvr]

I get really upset and hurt... I cry which enrages him even more but I cant help it...

[briefcase]

Being yelled at, raged at, called names, cursed, or given the silent treatement are all painful experiences.  This is verbal abuse.  Many of us here started out exactly where you are.  This dynamic can, and must be changed.  But, the change will have to come from you.  You can't change him, neither can we. Maybe, someday, he will change himself, but we don't sit around waiting for that to happen.

Please start out by reading our Lessons.  There is a link to the Lessons on the right side of this page.  Take it one small step at a time, there is a lot of information there! 

Many of us "take a time out" when a conversation starts getting abusive.  The Lessons address how to do this.  Once a conversation gets abusive we choose to no longer participate in that conversation and walk away to take a break.

Also, start doing nice things for yourself and taking care of yourself. 

There is hope!   

[Katlvr]

thank you... I have been in this relationship for going on 4 yrs now... it has been at least over a yr since a rage so I was so shocked... but he was starting to set a trap for me I didnt see and I got defensive so that was my bad... but he jumped up out of his chair (we were eating) and started trying to break things and calling me the nasty names, wishing I were dead, etc... my dog was shaking in the corner... I should have walked away but I guess something I said triggered him and he went into a full on rage... I didnt want him to leave because he always leaves and I guess I should have just let him leave but I wanted to resolve it... I wanted him to calm down and realize he doesnt have to leave me everytime he is upset does that sound wierd?  I have the whole fear of abandonment issue I guess... even though he pretty much has always come back when he rages and breaks it off with me... I think though he tests waters with other women behind my back and gets really nice to me when he realizes they wont put up with his personality like I do... at least I think that is what it is... I would like to go to therapy but dont have insurance... when I did I couldnt find anyone that would help me thru or give me tools to cope since I do love my BPD and want to stay with him, I am trying to understand him... does anyone know if they mean all those things they say and if they do why do they stay with someone they hate so much?  Does the BPD at some level know or realize geeze... why do I get so angry all the time?  maybe I have a problem?... or are they just blind to the whole thing and think it is the non who has the problem and that they are perfectly fine? ... I also need to find a therapist who again will help me cope without asking me to dump the btch and why do I put up with him... I will read the tools... thanks... and comments, advice, all are welcome... I feel that I am very alone in this which is why I am posting... l cant talk to family or friends... the advice from all is dump his butt... but I dont want to...

[RedRightAnkle]

I'm sorry you have been through that. It's devastating when someone you love just verbally punches you in the gut like that. In my opinion, as in from what I have experienced, they don't usually mean it. A lot of times my BF doesn't even remember what he said to people later (or so he says, I can't be sure).

They start feeling strong emotions and they can't handle them, so they try to pass off those powerful emotions onto you to deal with. It's a coping mechanism for them, and while it's not right, it gives a little insight into how much mental anguish they are in. I don't know if you've read a whole lot about projection yet on here, but it happens... .  so maybe when he tells you he wishes you were dead a part of him really wishes HE was dead. It's all a matter of immaturely dealing with emotions, and you know how little kids can be - they can be yelling and screaming and saying "i hate you" one minute and the next minute they love you again, because they realize it passes and the panic is over. That's basically how people with BPD are functioning.

I agree with Briefcase - just walk away. Mental illness or not, nobody deserves to be talked to that way. Unfortunately, in my situation my BF is the one who always wants to talk it through, whereas I really want space to cool off... .  this rarely happens.

It depends on the person whether they realize they have a problem or not. Some do, some don't; either way, knowing about a problem doesn't mean it gets solved. You can be aware that you have schizophrenia but that doesn't control the hallucinations and disorganized thought patterns. You have to want it, and some people just don't want it.

You're not alone... .  I have heard some nasty things come out of my BF's mouth at me. I do not take it anymore.

Stay strong 

[Katlvr]

Thank you   I appreciate your insight... I hope he doesnt mean it... there is also an obsession he has with the fact that over 4 yrs ago I got divorced... I was married for 8 yrs... he will often bring up my ex and joke that he is virginal compared to me becuase I was married and he has never been married... and often accuses me of loving my ex more than him because I let my ex get away with things and I dont let him get away with the same things, ie cheating, being late, lying... I just say I dont want to have another clone of my ex... but the entire time we have been together about 4 yrs... he will bring up my ex husband... if I mention an old movie I saw he will figure out the yr and say ohh you were blissfully married and must have gone with your hubby... things like that... or that was when you were having lots of good sex with your hubby cause you were just married... its crazy... than during the rage he called me a slut too cause I was married and things like that... its totally crazy talk to me... I dont even know if he believes the things he says or just says to hurt...

[RedRightAnkle]

That's just dreadful. I hope he doesn't mean it too, for you sake. You mentioned how just goes back to being nice after he rages -that's an indicator that he just doesn't know how to deal with any emotions he's feeling. I think the only thing to do about his comments about your ex husband are to validate but assure him what he's saying isn't true. Something like, "It must hurt knowing that I was with someone else, but I can assure you I am with you now, and that is all that matters." A lot of times my BF will accuse me of not caring, doing this and that, and all he really ever expects is for me to tell him it isn't true. Don't get defensive; just simply say that it must hurt feeling that way but it isn't true.

My 11-year old dog passed away almost a year ago now. We were fighting when I found out he was going to be put down and I wasn't there to say goodbye (being away at college). I called him crying saying that I couldn't do all of this fighting, my dog was dying and I couldn't handle everything. He accused me of loving the dog more than him   I mean, in a way that's true (I shared half of my life with that dog), but for him to actually think I legitimately romantically loved my dog more than him was sick and bizarre. He is a lot more sympathetic now, but I'm just saying that I know how you feel when he accuses you of loving someone else. You could also mention how it hurts you to hear him say that.