Need to Detach with Love because BPDh committed suicide

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been on these boards for two years.  For most of those two years I read and posted on Staying, trying to support my BPD husband while he went to therapy and we attended couples counseling. 

To my everlasting pain, he committed suicide 11 days ago while in a dissociative rage at me.  We had argued and he did it while I was in the house, thinking I was giving him and myself time to self soothe.  He locked himself in the bedroom and hung himself.  When he wouldn't answer the door when I pounded and pleaded, I called 911.  The officer seemed to take forever.  When he finally got here, and kicked in the door, it was too late.

I know I need to detach from the sometimes overwhelming guilt I feel for not being able to be more supportive to him, for not taking better care of myself so I could be that support, for not doing so many things, and for innumerable other things I did or said that I now regret.  We have two kids, a teen and a preteen, and my son from a previous relationship who my BPDh helped me raise since he was 5 - he's now in his 20's.  I am trying to be strong for them, mourn my husband who I truly loved (too much, as these relationships tend to go), and deal with my own issues with the way he died, and lived. 

This disorder is so complex - no one at the funeral dinners, gatherings, or the throngs who came to the house in the wake of his suicide knew anything about his disorder.  To the world, he was the perfect dad, husband, handsome, talented, smart, confident.  They are absolutely baffled that someone who seemed to have it all, who seemed not only competent but charismatic and at the top of his game, could suddenly take his own life.   He was all those things, to the world.  But his dark side was very dark, very shrouded in mystery, even until the day he died, I still don't know the full story.  But I know a lot, and when people ask me what was wrong, I know they wouldn't understand and in the end don't want to hear the real story.  It is twisted and terrible with periods of light until the darkness overwhelmed him.

I am just trying to process.  I have fog brain and my thoughts wander.  I miss him, I love him, I hope he is at peace finally.  I hope he forgives me for hurting him, I hope he knows I forgive him for hurting me.  I hope my children remember him at his best and the legacy of suicide doesn't haunt them forever.  I don't feel angry, it's more like a very deep sadness, that goes to the core, because it is such a tragic waste.  He was a beautiful, extremely complex human being who ultimately could not stand the pain of existence, I guess.  But I am still really not accepting this, I'm just telling myself that because my brain tells me its true.

Thank you for reading this.

Chihiro   

[Chihiro]

I have been on these boards for two years.  For most of those two years I read and posted on Staying, trying to support my BPD husband while he went to therapy and we attended couples counseling. 

To my everlasting pain, he committed suicide 11 days ago while in a dissociative rage at me.  We had argued and he did it while I was in the house, thinking I was giving him and myself time to self soothe.  He locked himself in the bedroom and hung himself.  When he wouldn't answer the door when I pounded and pleaded, I called 911.  The officer seemed to take forever.  When he finally got here, and kicked in the door, it was too late.

I know I need to detach from the sometimes overwhelming guilt I feel for not being able to be more supportive to him, for not taking better care of myself so I could be that support, for not doing so many things, and for innumerable other things I did or said that I now regret.  We have two kids, a teen and a preteen, and my son from a previous relationship who my BPDh helped me raise since he was 5 - he's now in his 20's.  I am trying to be strong for them, mourn my husband who I truly loved (too much, as these relationships tend to go), and deal with my own issues with the way he died, and lived. 

This disorder is so complex - no one at the funeral dinners, gatherings, or the throngs who came to the house in the wake of his suicide knew anything about his disorder.  To the world, he was the perfect dad, husband, handsome, talented, smart, confident.  They are absolutely baffled that someone who seemed to have it all, who seemed not only competent but charismatic and at the top of his game, could suddenly take his own life.   He was all those things, to the world.  But his dark side was very dark, very shrouded in mystery, even until the day he died, I still don't know the full story.  But I know a lot, and when people ask me what was wrong, I know they wouldn't understand and in the end don't want to hear the real story.  It is twisted and terrible with periods of light until the darkness overwhelmed him.

I am just trying to process.  I have fog brain and my thoughts wander.  I miss him, I love him, I hope he is at peace finally.  I hope he forgives me for hurting him, I hope he knows I forgive him for hurting me.  I hope my children remember him at his best and the legacy of suicide doesn't haunt them forever.  I don't feel angry, it's more like a very deep sadness, that goes to the core, because it is such a tragic waste.  He was a beautiful, extremely complex human being who ultimately could not stand the pain of existence, I guess.  But I am still really not accepting this, I'm just telling myself that because my brain tells me its true.

Thank you for reading this.

Chihiro   

[really]

Chihiro,

I will not be able to find appropriate words.   You are in my thoughts and prayers and my heart goes out to you. 

[atcrossroads]

Chihiro,

I am so deeply sorry that you have lost your husband in such a traumatic way.  I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling though my husband has threatened suicide many times.  The pain of that is a drop in the ocean compared to what you are dealing with.  I do know for sure that you did do your best and that as you said your brain is telling you his choice could not have been prevented by you and is not your fault. 

Please be kind to yourself.  BPD is a terrible illness for those of us around it, but I believe it is most unbearable for those with it.  I hope you can find peace one day and fully release yourself from blame.

I send you healing thoughts as you and your family grieve and cope with your loss.  I am so very sorry.   

[Cardinals in Flight]

Thank you for sharing your very intimate and personal story.  We all share so much of ourselves here, but to have the story play out as yours, well the sorrow and horror must be unimaginable.  Im so sorry for your loss, for your pain, for your children and extended families pain... .  the fall-out is endless.

Sending peaceful thoughts and healing prayers your way.

CiF

[cookiecrumbled]

Dear C:

I am lifting you up in prayer right now and asking God to please wrap you up in protection from feelings of regret and guilt.  You did everything you could and more to save him.

In great sympathy,

Cookie 

[Clearmind]

Massive  to you Chihiro and your kiddos

[jdogg75]

I pray for you strength. 

[nona]

Grace and Ease

[myself]

I miss him, I love him, I hope he is at peace finally. 

I hope he forgives me for hurting him, I hope he knows I forgive him for hurting me. 

Really touched by this. Thoughts and prayers are with you.  :'(  

[gina louise]

Chihiro


I miss him, I love him, I hope he is at peace finally.  I hope he forgives me for hurting him, I hope he knows I forgive him for hurting me.  I hope my children remember him at his best and the legacy of suicide doesn't haunt them forever.

Chihiro,

at the risk of offending those who don't share my beliefsand I apologize in advance if you do not)

I want to say that I don't believe for a second that a suffering soul is condemned after a suicide or any other self harming act.

I deeply believe that a Loving Creator has the ultimate Responsibility, Awareness and Unlimited Capacity to cherish, comfort and provide nothing but a Compassionate Embrace that is Eternal. I pray that is a thought that will comfort you, too.

Saying that, please try your best to provide appropriate outlets for yourself and your children to express your feelings-which may be distressing and confusing. Not all Grief is mournful-some parts are angry, bitter and buried. They may process it very differently than you do. I pray for peace and compassion for all of you, and your Loved ones.

GL

[Changed4safety]

Words feel so inadequate, but as others said, I will send prayers for you and your children.  Please keep posting here and letting us know how you are doing.   

[Wooddragon]

Chihiro - I don't have the words but sending you and your family love and wishes for strength and grace. I feel very sorry for your terrible loss.

[AllyCat7]

I'm so very sorry  :'( I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Wishing you strength and peace.

[mssomebodynice]

What can one say to this?  What deep thought can I give you to help you in your healing?  I don't know.  Know however that you are surrounded by people who understand and know that they are very aware that this outcome could have easily have them.  I have no great words to say to you except that you know this is an illness, and you know how fragmented their lives are.  I want to say something, just  a little profound.  You know, that life is so imperfect.  They have no self love.  God, knows.  I am so sorry for you loss. This was clearly his choice.  Not yours.  He was was ill.  You tried to help him.  That's all we can do, and clearly, that doesn't work.  Hugs and prayer sent.  You are worthy of love.  Just so you know.  My thoughts will be with you this evening, for you deserve this.  You tried so hard.  So very hard.  Blessings.

[Surnia]

Chihiro 

He was a beautiful, extremely complex human being who ultimately could not stand the pain of existence, I guess. 

This sentence made me cry, for you, for him, for your children. I would be in the FOG too. Your brain is right. I will pray that one day your soul and body can accept this as well.

I don't know what to say.

We are here for you, at every moment. 

[PrettyPlease]

I know I need to detach from the sometimes overwhelming guilt I feel for not being able to be more supportive to him, for not taking better care of myself so I could be that support, for not doing so many things, and for innumerable other things I did or said that I now regret. 

Chihiro, I am so sorry. And your title is very wise. This is exactly what you must do, detach with love. It is hard, I believe it will come.

I have sat here staring at your post for many minutes, and now know why. I have been in something like your situation twice, and if I may I will describe this.

Many years ago I lived for several years with a uBPDgf whom I loved dearly, but who was subject to rages like you describe. She conveyed to me, and said directly on at least one occasion, that she might as well be dead as be with a man like me, and if I left she'd kill herself. I left. I have always had the worry. I will say more about this in a minute.

The second was my mother, most likely uNPD but with some BPD traits, who died several months ago. The situation was traumatic, she was unhappy, and I was the person emotionally closest to her (my father having died several years ago), but I was thousands of miles away and wasn't doing what she wanted, which was for me to be there with her. She died two hours before she was to be moved to a new hospital, and she had made it clear to me, the day before on the telephone, and to my sister, who she begged not to leave her bedside the day before, and to other people around, that she didn't want to go to this new place (she was to be moved from hospital Emergency to a rehab hospital, so this fear made no sense to us; and we had no choice, her time in the Emergency was up, she had to go). She was in almost continuous anxiety mode, with a high heart rate even though taking drugs to calm her. She died of a heart attack just before they were to move her.

What I went through in both cases, very different and yet fundamentally the same, is that both of these people wanted more from me, and in their eyes needed more from me, than I was able to give. And at first I felt responsible for their deaths—the one that happened, and the one that might have happened.

Yet it is up to each of us, each human being, to maintain our own balance in life. We need to supply ourselves with enough sustenance, and soothing, to be able to keep going. Otherwise we are no good to anyone -- not to them, not to us, not to our other friends or children or our other work, anything. We will also drown. And it is up to us to make that decision. They make it for themselves, and we make it for ourselves. It can't work for them to make the decision for us. These are independent decisions — they must decide to soothe themselves, and we must soothe ourselves, and the result can't be controlled from one to the other, which is slavery, and neither can it be predicted what will happen to the other party, by either party.

So, in my case, it could just as easily have been my xgf who killed herself, and my mother might have survived the move and lived another 5 or 10 years and be here now. Or they might both have died. Or they might both have lived. This is not my doing. You can call it God's doing, if you like, although that is not my belief system. But in any case it was not my doing. People could die at any point. I am doing my best.

And so it is with you. I am telling you this story because I think it is the same. You needed your time to self-soothe. You did your best. He could have died at any time, earlier, or not died. That is hard to accept also, but it is true. And over time I believe you will be able to live with it. Now is hard.



PP

[united for now]

I am so sorry 

How tragic for all concerned.

Yes, it is so difficult to grasp how much pain they are in and how they seek to avoid that pain in any fashion possible. I am hoping that you have some friends or family that you feel comfortable in sharing your real story with so that you aren't so very alone.

[Thyrsos]

I am so sorry Chihiro.

But I also see that your avatar seems to be Sysifos?

Even though you experienced a great loss that I can't even imagine, and even if you still will be walking up and down that steep hill, maybe in some way you have lost that boulder you've been pushing... .  

Here is a few words that often has helped and comforted me.

Hope they can do the same for you... .  

"They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condem

At the going down of the sun, and in the morning

we will remember them

Lest we forget."

[maria1]

Chihiro

I am so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you and your children. My BPDex lives with the darkness and says this world isn't for him. He doesn't let everybody into that as your husband didn't. He sheds a huge amount of light everywhere he goes.

I am guessing that sharing the darkness with you made it so much more bearable for your husband. I believe that there are those who just cannot bear to live in this world and there is nothing you could have done to change the world to fit him better or change him to fit better into the world.

'I will take the dark parts of your heart into my heart'. That's love. We can ask no more.

[waitaminute]

I am very sorry for your loss as well as the manner in which it occurred. You stood by him. It is all one can do.

[MaybeSo]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I've see too many losses of this nature on this forum, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through.  You have my deepest sympathy and I thank you for your wise words. You did all you could do. Peace to you and yours.  

[Validation78]

  Hi Chihiro.

I am profoundly sorry to hear this news. My heart goes out to you and your family at a time I can only imagine is difficult beyond words. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May you find the strength to carry on and find peace in your hearts and minds.

Sincerely,

Val78

[Chihiro]

I don't know what to say or do. I feel the darkness in my heart, maria1, his legacy to me. Thank you for that statement. It expresses perfectly how I'm feeling now. I loved him so much, the darkness is now mine, he's now shown me what it's like to live there. I want to be strong for my kids, but I feel so weak. I cry and it brings no relief. I know that people want to help, I do have friends who reach out, but I don't think they want to visit those dark places with me, and it pains me to take them there, merely by being in my presence.

[Chihiro]

Atacrossroads - my dear husband also threatened on many occasions prior to his death. I feel concern for you - please take care of yourself. Every suicidal episode was terrifying - do not minimize the damage this can do to your heart and soul.

[Changed4safety]

Chihiro, my heart is so sad to hear the pain in your words.  I can only imagine how you must be feeling.  Chalk me up as one who has dealt with threats of suicide as well, and they are indeed terrifying.  I hope you are finding someone to talk to, perhaps a therapist or group session.  I attend a group grief meeting weekly to deal with the passing of my father last year, it is sponsored by  our local hospice and is free.  One of our members lost her husband to suicide, and she feels the group has helped her immensely. Perhaps you can look into this for yourself.  This is a very heavy burden to carry alone. 

[Whatwasthat]

Hello Chihiro. I don't think we have 'talked' before but I just wanted to offer my heartfelt sympathy to you at this deeply sad time. You are in my prayers.

I also wanted to reinforce what Changed4safety said about bereavement counselling.

I attend a group grief meeting weekly to deal with the passing of my father last year, it is sponsored by  our local hospice and is free.  

One of my closest friends is a bereavement counsellor who works for a charity that offers its services free to anyone who needs it - and for as many sessions as they require. She has helped many clients suffering loss under very difficult circumstances. I can imagine that she is very good at her job and I'm sure there are many others like her in this field. It could make a big difference at this time to talk to someone who is well qualified in this area.

Sending you healing wishes. WWT.

[maria1]

I don't know what to say or do. I feel the darkness in my heart, maria1, his legacy to me. Thank you for that statement. It expresses perfectly how I'm feeling now. I loved him so much, the darkness is now mine, he's now shown me what it's like to live there. I want to be strong for my kids, but I feel so weak. I cry and it brings no relief. I know that people want to help, I do have friends who reach out, but I don't think they want to visit those dark places with me, and it pains me to take them there, merely by being in my presence.

Dear Chirhiro

The darkness won't stay. It doesn't need to stay now but you may need some help and some time to work through it and let it go. Letting go is what grieving is about but it takes time and I do think you will need some help.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. You are in terrible grief and reaction not just to losing your husband but also having to deal with the fact that nobody really knew the real truth of his life and your life. That's a huge burden to be carrying. You will have so many emotions right now which must feel unbearable.

Are you in any sort of counseling or therapy?

One of the difficulties of grief is that it is absolutely unique. Your grief is yours. Your husband was who he was and your relationship together was incredibly difficult. How do you go about grieving that? On top you have children who are grieving.

Who is looking after you Chihiro?

[slimmiller]

So sorry to here of your loss!   :'( I can not imagaine having to deal with something like that! I know at times it almost feels like death when there is conflict with one that has BPD but in this case its final.

I am sure the grief is overwhelming. As a few other asked, are you in any sort of counseling? I do hope you have someone that you can talk to and help you out on an emotional level. With BPD, I think thats very important. For us and our sanity

[Chihiro]

I do have a therapist - we had been in MC and I can continue to see her. I haven't gone since his death. I know I need to.

PrettyPlease - thank you for sharing your experience with your mom and BPDgf. When I am able, for a brief moment, to see his life as a whole, I realize his actions were not within my control. They weren't fully within his control, either, due to his illness. He was highly dissociative.  He also told me many times that he had been suicidal for as long as he could remember, and that if it weren't for me and the kids he would have done it a long time ago.

[maria1]

Chihiro

My brother died of a heroin overdose when he was 34. I don't think he could cope with living in this world. He felt it all too deeply and just couldn't cope with it.

I know nothing can really help that much right now but i cant help thinking you and your children will have given your husband hope and happiness and constancy despite the great difficulties he lived with due to this horrible disorder. I hope that might give you a little comfort.

I hope you can get to see your therapist. Please keep talking to people even if you feel like nobody understands. I think part of grieving is feeling so very alone with it 

[Maryiscontrary]

It is very observant what Maria said... .  "Can't cope living in this world."

My husband threatened many times and self injured. He absolutely could not be soothed. When he got into those stAtes, there was nothing you could say. It was like a seizure.

But he refused all forms of help.

This is a situation for your familt where there did not seem to be an apparent solution. Unless a person with attachment issues gets real, and gets as serious as a heart attack about finding solutions, then the pain overtakes them.

I have pretty severe celiac disease. I was so ill thAt I was hallucinating in the middle of the night. I had been on 11 psych medications, and none of them helped. When my GI finally went kaput, the core problem of wheat allergy was identified, I immediately stopped eating it.

It took huge sacrifice, but I was desperate and very sick. I was suicidal because I could not function. Within 2 days, brain clarity emerged. I was not mentally ill, I had an untreated autoimmune disorder.  But had I not discovered this, suicide would have been the only option, because I was not functioning, and I was very, very independent and proud person.

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. This is an impossible situation for you.

Big, big hugs.

[Rose Tiger]

Sweet Girl,  I am so sorry for your loss.  This is about the most difficult thing a person could ever have to deal with in a life.  How many of us would like to go back in time and have a do over.  Go back and live a day over.  I found comfort in reading stories of other people that were going through very difficult times, especially when I wondered if I could survive myself through so much grief.

I want to pass on this book suggestion, it's not real deep or have all the answers but I think you will relate to the feelings.

www.lollywinston.com/aboutgg.html

[artman.1]

CHIHIRO,

     You are left with the pieces to pick up.  You have to do it.  Pick them up and rebuild the puzzle for yourself.  Allow yourself to be!  Allow yourself to Cry!  Be kind to yourself and let God be by your side!  He will show you the way to peace.

     With All My Love,   Art

[mggt]

SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY FOR U AND YOUR FAMILY NO WORDS CAN HELP NOW BUT HOLD ON TO THE WONDERUL MEMORIES YOU ALL HAD AS A HAPPY FAMILY AND KNOW  YOU DID ALL THAT YOU COULD HUMANLY POSSIBLE I WISH THERE WERE WORDS TO EASE YOUR SORROW TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOURS AND ALWAYS HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND HOLD ON TO THE GOOD MEMORIES TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS 

[another_guyD]

Chihiro,

   I am very sorry for your loss. But I will encourage you to move on yourself.

  I can sympathize, as least somewhat, my sons mother (not exactly the same she was my ex) hung herself in September of last year and I have become the sole care giver to a very loved 7 year old boy. Please, don't blame yourself. I don't know your whole story, but I have found this to be my new beginning. You are free from a very heavy burden, though it happened in a painful and heart wrenching way.

Please live your life wonderfully and to the fullest possible! Grasp the freedom from "the game" you now have and enjoy your life! I am trying to do this as well.

Sincerely,

Nathan     

[GreenMango]

Chihiro I can't imagine what you and your children are going through.  Please know you are welcome to post here on the Leaving board as you need and we welcome you with open arms. 

I'm so very sad to hear that you and your husband experienced the most extreme expression of this tragic illness.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Dragonfly24]

Thank you, I was 't sure where to post.  I am so grateful to have found this site last fall, and hope one day I can help someone else know they are not alone.  Thank you everyone, I really really appreciate your care and support.  I know my post was a mess, and I do believe I am in shock... .  I have an amazing therapist who I had seen last night after I got the news.  I know I am lucky to have friends and family and amazing coworkers for strength, love and immediate support and assistance with myself and my son, as I am a kindergarten teacher and being out is so incredibly hard... .  to even begin thinking of how this news will spread through town... .    I believe my support system with them, my therapist and this amazing list of members here will help me up when I am down and guide me into repairing and rebuilding myself and moving into a chosen, happier life with my son.

Chihiro I can't imagine what you and your children are going through.  Please know you are welcome to post here on the Leaving board as you need and we welcome you with open arms. 

I'm so very sad to hear that you and your husband experienced the most extreme expression of this tragic illness.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Dragonfly24]

I'm so sorry I got confused as to where I was posting

[Weird Fishes]

I'm so sorry, Chihiro.  Take care of yourself.

[Grey Kitty]

Chihiro,

Words fail me. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Just the same, let me wish you the strength and peace to make it through.

I know that people want to help, I do have friends who reach out, but I don't think they want to visit those dark places with me, and it pains me to take them there, merely by being in my presence.

I wouldn't say that your friends want to visit those dark places with you. I wouldn't say that anybody does.

Consider taking them up on the offer anyway. If they offer to go into the darkness with you, they will bring some light. Everybody has their own light shining through them, no matter how small or how well hidden.

I find myself more likely to cry when someone offers me support at a hard time. I think I open up to feel their love and support, and that opening up exposes me to the grief at the same time. It isn't easy. It never will be. What the heck do I know... .  I've never had a death anything like that close to me. I'm just so sorry to hear it happened to you.

[HowCouldYou]

Chihiro, You were the second person who replied to me when I originally posted here a little over a year ago. Your thoughtful response has helped me a great deal and I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Please accept my condolences, and thank you again for your help when I needed it.

[Surnia]

Chiriro,

You came recently in my mind and know I found this thread again.

I hope you coud find some peaceful moments within the grieving process and my thoughts and my heart is with you furthermore!