Just exhasted, tired of doing more than I think my dd is

[somuchlove]

I spent this morning listenening to video and reading reading reading on how to valadate, set boundaries.  My dd is in another crisis, brewing for about a month or two now.  I have been cut off her facebook, not biggy but it is a life line knowing that there are days when she is having fun, doing things with the kids.

She hasn't text me except a very short thanx for the christmas gifts. until we got the text, better start getting custody of baby, ( she has 2 others 10-11) from different dad.  I am going to kill myself tonight.  I have posted about that.  then i got a text last week that she needs a place to stay, bf is mean, nasty and cruel. I think they are fighting and he isn't doing what she thinks he should do.  There are also issues with his son, of which i have mentioned in other posts. I tried to valadate her feelings but never got any return in text messages.  I think if I don't say, ok where will you go, I can help you or trying to fix it like I have before she takes it as  rejection on her part.  I guess I have trained her well for me to take onership of her problems and then she can blame me for things not going good and she doesn't have to figure out what to do.  We can't financially help her much any more.  we have poured so much into things thinking it will work this time... Oh had we know about BPD and how to kind of help yrs ago. 

She has trained me well, to jump when she says jump... .  

I am just angry right now because I don't want to deal with this, I am mad because she has this issue, because I just want to have normalacy with my family.  My other two are doing wonderful in their lives.  My heart breaks for my grandchildren. Worries there.  If she didn't have them it would be easier to let go and let her make her own decisions for her life.  My husband understands in some ways, is very supportive, works with kids everyday as I do.  We should be able to handle this.  However, he gets upset that I am upset, so I don't always tell him.

I so appreciate all the wonderful support from everyone here.  I am taking care of myself, I am thankful for those here that put down specifics on how to valadate, etc.  Not that this matters but I have a college degree, I am a teacher, for crying out loud,  Why can't I learn how to say the right words.  My mind just stops when it comes to this.  I can't remember what and how to say it.  Do any of you have this issue. 

  to you all for letting me vent. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

sml:  I too struggle with saying the right words.  Sometimes when I try to validate DD I feel like I sound like a robot and so insincere.  I have been practicing using my validation on everyone in my life.  Trying to make it more natural the more I do it.  I hate that I have to think about what and how to say things.  I wish our relationship wasn't this way but then I think that maybe learning to validate others is just a good things to do in life anyway. 

I work with someone who is very difficult.  He flies off the handle and is always going on and on about how much harder he works than anyone else and how important he is and blah blah blah.  For a long time we did not have a good relationship because when he would start it would annoy me and I would say things like "everyone works just as hard so stop complaining" or I would get annoyed with him acting like he is so much more important than anyone else and I would say so.  For the past few months when he says things I validate him by saying, "wow, you must be exhausted from all this work, I know just how you feel" and I have found it then turns into a nice conversation.  Our relationship has changed drastically and we are now sort of friends. 

I also have been working alot with my therapist on boundaries.  I also would jump when she said jump.  Anything to make her happy and not have any arguments.  My T is teaching me that I not only have to take care of myself but that I am doing her a disservice by living on her terms only.  Today I was successful.  We went to the gym together and we usually do about 40 minutes.  When we got there she started and unfortunately for me someone caught my ear and I started 15 minutes later.  When DD was done she came over and said lets go.  I told her I still had 15 minutes to go and she was not happy.  She said to me, "come on mom, I'm done.  I want to leave"  In the past I would have jumped off my machine and unhappily left.  Today I didn't.  I just said, "sorry, so and so held me up and I got started later.  I want to finish my usual time, maybe you could find something to do for the next 15 minutes"  again she tried to get her way.  "No I don't want to can we please just go".  I stood my ground.  I said, " I will be ready to leave in 15 minutes why don't you just go on the treadmill next to me and we can chat so the time passes quicker for both of us".  She did.  I finished my work out and we left. Both of us happy.  It may be small but it was a big step for me.

Friz

[griz]

Ooopsss sorry that should have been Griz.   

[qcarolr]

somuchlove - I think we all stuggle with finding the 'right' way to say things to our BPDkids. And deal with dh's that often undo those things that seem to be working. I have started writing out my responses - when I have the time to do this - before sending the text or leaving a message. When I stop my 'instant response' to do this, I can come up with much better replies. Yes, I have been doing this a long time and still struggle to stop, think, then reply.  It usually takes about 3 drafts to get my anger and resentments out of the way, get clear on what I need from this situation, clear on what my DD seems to want from me in the situation, and what I am able to freely give -- without any anger or resentment. How to say no when I mean no using positive words.

I shared how I tried this process today on my other thread. About packing up bf's stuff and him not returning to our home. We will see how things go if he turns up at our door  

qcr  

[Reality]

friz, I mean griz,

Oops!  You made me laugh with the f and g issue.  I find I make so many typo errors now, with all the messaging we do... .  

I love your boundaries you maintained at the gym.  So cool!  And cool that your daughter and you worked together for the last 15 minutes!  Awesome!

qcaroir,

Your diligence is unbelievable!

somuchlove,

I, too, was a teacher and yet dealing with my darling son was a different matter altogether.  Not easy!  A step at a time... .  

Reality

[qcarolr]

qcaroir,

Your diligence is unbelievable!

Wish that is what dh called it    His word is 'obsessed with DD'. It is hard to get thoughts of her in the the back reaches of my mind. I really have to focus on something else, then I get some quiet from my thinking of her. Gd helps with ths - she is so able to TELL me when she needs something from me. It is refreshing, even when frustrating for me.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

I was searching for S.E.T. tool for another post, and forgot how staightforward this strategy is. This was the first step in making things in my family, though had to get the validation skills before it really started to have a lasting impact.

Here is the link:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict.20#lastPost

qcr  

[MomofBPDAZ]

Thanks for your post! I've been searching these boards for two days looking for other grandmothers who are struggling with a BPD daughter. I'm brand new to all of this and would love to connect with other grandparents. My 41 year old daughter was just diagnosed this last week with BPD and PTSD (after 3 inpatient hospitalizations since Christmas). She was suicidal and was cutting herself. She has a husband and 4 children (2 from a former marriage and two younger children with her current husband (one of whom is autistic). Our relationship these past few weeks has in many ways been better than it's been in years. She's getting treatment now, is taking meds, and has begun to open up to me about what's going on in her mind, which is all good. But, it's also very scary because she's been tellling me some very disturbing things. I'm trying to learn all I can about BPD so I can help her. I'm committed to doing everything I can to keep her alive and support her while she goes through therapy. But, like you and others have said, I'm already exhausted both physically and mentally. She lives 3 hours away, and I've had to drop everything to go and stay there to care for my grandchildren each time she's been hospitalized. I realize there's a long road ahead for both of us, and I need to learn how to take care of myself through this process and still be there for her and her family without becoming resentful. I'm really worried about the effect her illness is having on my grandchildren. I'm grateful to all the other grandparents out there for sharing their own experiences and insights on this topic. I'm not quite sure how these message boards work so I posted a similar reply on another coping with children page in hopes of making a connection with others in similar circumstances.

[qcarolr]

momofBPDaz - it is exhausting. Please find time for yourself and someone YOU can talk to. It is hard when our kids share the scary things with us, though this is a gift that they are able to trust us with this part of themselves. To keep it in perspective I talk with others, and this is best done with a T for you or a couple trusted friends.

It is such a good thing that your D is accepting the treatment being offered. You are a valuable part of your grandkids lives too. How is the daddy in this situation coping with this? with the kids? Do you have a good relationship with your SIL?

Please consider starting a new topic with some of this information on our board - there are lots of grandmas here, many in a very similar situation to yours. At the top right on the index page you will see the link for new topic.

qcr  

[MomofBPDAZ]

Thanks qcarolr! It was so nice to see your reply when I checked back in tonight. I'd love to start a new topic, but am not quite sure how to go about it and what to post. I'll give it a try. You're absolutely right that it's a gift that my daughter is accepting treatment and is starting to open up to me. I do value her trust, but I'm already beginning to realize it'll be an emotional strain on me and that I need to protect my own mental health throughout this process. That's one reason I'm seeking to learn more by participating here. I really do appreciate your insights. To answer your question, I do have a good relationship with my SIL. He's been a good husband and father, but he's an extremely passive individual and, frankly, not that bright. He's willing to help and do anything that's asked of him, but he seems pretty clueless in terms of taking charge. I'm worried that he has no friends. He told me last week that my daughter is really his only friend and is his best friend. Clearly, he loves her, but I'm not sure how helpful he's going to be. My daughter has a pattern of choosing partners less intelligent who she can dominate. I'm beginning to think that this is intentional in order to avoid the type of man who may be more likely to abandon her. Since I've been on these boards, I'm learning that abandonment is a bid issue for many BPDs. I'd love to hear what you and others think. Thanks