can they be dangerous?

[benny2]

When I was living with my exBPD I had moved into the spare room the last 3 months. I would wake up in the night to him standing beside my bed. He told me once that he frequently did that. He also would hide in my closet, stark naked, and jump out to scare me. He liked to to this quite often. People are telling me I should be worried about him coming after me now that I have put a NC and final closure with him. Has anyone experienced things like this? Do you think I should be concerned? He has never shown physical abuse. He thrived on the mental abuse.

[mssomebodynice]

Gosh, that is such ill behavior.  No.  I never experienced that sort of behavior.  I am not sure what you should do with that.  Whenever I respond on these boards, I feel the need to be profound, but lack that.  Everytime.  Everytime, I respond I feel dificient.  So all I can offer is acknowledgement in your fears.  I can say, that you should be afraid of someone who would do this to someone they cared about.  That is not normal.  BPD's are ill.  My thoughts are with you.

[benny2]

He did very strange things. He would shout very loud when he was driving to startel everyone. He found it funny to scare people. He also took pictures of his body parts, not going to mention where, I think you get the idea, and send them to me while I was at work because he know how much I hated it and it would then start fights. I believe there were others that received the pictures as well. He would plant things around the house to make it look like he had someone there to get to  me too. It was a nightmare and I can remember my whole body shaking when he was around. I do believe I was close to a nervous breakdown. Then he would go into his down times where he would get depressed and say to me," look at what I am doing to you". I don't know if it was guilt or what.  I did not know at that time what was wrong with him. I knew there was something very serious and I begged for answers. He could never give any other than saying, "its not you, its me" Now I have my answers. Its mind boogling, to say the least. His daughter thinks he just has anger issues and as his daughter, I do not think she should know of the ill natured things her dad does. She says hes better now that I am gone, but I told her he is far from better. I think he used me as an excuse to them as being the one that made him trigger. I find that very hard as I was very close to his daughters.

[letmeout]

Actually, you very well may trigger him. My mere presence triggered my ex. After 10 months of NC he stopped by my office. His first two sentences were normal, then he suddenly changed modes and started talking crazy talk just like the past two years we were together.

He told our son that he didn't plan to act like that, but seeing me flipped a switch in his head and he went right into BPD mode.

Now I know I made the right decision to divorce him, for both of our sakes.

[benny2]

I don't understand why that is. Why do I trigger him? I am a very calm person. Even during his rages, I remained calm as he was running around talking and acting like a 12 year old. I think at times I was just in disbelief of what I was witnessing. I did however, many times try to reason with him, give him advice and even leave him notes because we would go through days of silence.

[benny2]

I do know at times he seemed very nervous around me.

[Surnia]

Hi diane

His behavior is very odd, seems he has very serious mental problems, sadistic traits. So I think its good to be cautious. It is impossible to make any prediction.

Keep your mobile with you. Be observant. I know it is not easy, being observant, not scared.

Keep us posted!

[Whatwasthat]

  Diane

I don't understand why that is. Why do I trigger him? I am a very calm person. Even during his rages, I remained calm as he was running around talking and acting like a 12 year old. I think at times I was just in disbelief of what I was witnessing. I did however, many times try to reason with him, give him advice and even leave him notes because we would go through days of silence.

As I understand it  you don't have to 'do' anything in particular in order to 'trigger' the behaviour of someone with mental health issues. You could be the calmest person in the world and it wouldn't change very much. Just being present as a significant person in their lives - who is engaged with them and their worlds - is enough to do it. Which is I think another indicator of the fact that the strangeness is an intrinsic part of them - and the way they see the world and other people.

I would second those who say be a little wary of this man. His behaviour is very odd. There are some useful articles here about how to detach from someone with BPD traits (or possibly any serious mental issues/attachment problems) without provoking further drama. They could be very useful to you. The basic message is 'become dull and boring' - the less interesting you are the less likely it seems that you will be a focus of attention. The idea is to allow you to fade away almost imperceptibly- so it becomes his choice to stop paying you attention - I think that's probably the only way to extricate yourself effectively.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[Changed4safety]

My exBPDbf and I once had a fight where this was addressed.  He said, bluntly, "You are my significant other.  Therefore, you are my enemy."  I wish I could say I had a  and left after that, but I stayed for about another two years.  But there it is.  It is a brutal and tragic illness. 

[benny2]

I have in fact left the relationship. I moved into my own place 6 months ago. We did try to work things out as he begged me for another chance, said he wanted to change and be a better man. For 3 months everything was great until I started to feel the "push" thing again. That is when I decided to end it. He did contact me last monday and asked if he could see me one last time. I felt as if he maybe needed to talk so I let him come over. He then acted as if nothing had even happened between us, just like old times. I knew we were heading into the "pull" stage again and so I told him no more contact what so ever. Have'nt heard a word since. I have known this man for many years and until I got under the same roof with him, I had no idea of his bazzar behavior. I am a caregiver by profession and maybe that is why it is so hard to turn away. The fact that he is very attractive does'nt help either. He would make me melt when we were in the idealization phase. He can be the sweetest, kindest most alluring man on one hand, and a monster on the other.

[BentNotBroken]

Not every behavior of a BPD person is a result of BPD. It is very possible he has some other disorder along with BPD--comorbid is the correct term I think.

The behavior is definitely disturbing and I am glad you are no longer exposed to it.

Yes, pwBPD can be very dangerous. Just like just about anyone else that is mentally disturbed. My BPDex started to get increasingly violent and have dissociative episodes. She would fly into rages and threaten to call the police to have me arrested. The next day she would act like nothing happened.

Physical violence is not the only danger. My BPD ex has also attacked my personal & business reputation, made false accusations, attacked me financially trying to cut off my sole source of income, encouraged a client to file suit against me, and accused me of criminal offenses that could jeapordize my relationship with my son & personal licenses etc. When they are in the devaluation phase they can do tremendous damage.

[benny2]

OH yeah, I went through that also. Thats when I learned and right from the very first fight, to keep my mouth shut, because he would have called the police and had me arrested .

[turtle]

Anyone who exhibits the behaviors you've sighted would sure seem to have the capability to be dangerous.

My crazyx was VERY dangerous and I will always need to be prepared because of that fact.  I think what Surnia said here is exactly right.  Be observant, not scared.

His behavior is very odd, seems he has very serious mental problems, sadistic traits. So I think its good to be cautious. It is impossible to make any prediction.

Keep your mobile with you. Be observant. I know it is not easy, being observant, not scared.

turtle

[Suzn]

Diane yes you trigger him. And he triggers you. You trigger the cycle that is BPD in him.

This helps explain the cycles.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Most of his behaviors you speak of sound like attention seeking behavior. As with what you would see with a small child. I agree with Surnia, be observant. There is definitely something triggering fear in you now. What do you think that would be?

Seeing him last week and you finally putting your boundary in place may just simply feel uncomfortable for you?

[TheRealSully]

I'd watch out.  I think they do have the capability to be dangerous.  

Mine was 5'1" and 98 lbs.  I was scared of her sometimes if she had a knife in her hand cooking and raging or something. There were times I wondered if she might stab me.  I think she might have.

Then, there were guns in our house.  I kept those under tabs to keep her from having access.  Way too risky with her malfunctioning brain.

Lastly, a couple days after she called me out of the blue to say we were getting a divorce, she immediately said if I didn't drive down that instant with her things, that she would "send for her things."

She used to do that when she was a teenager she said... .  have big guys go and beat up people she was in conflicts with.

I said:   "Go right ahead.  This is Florida.  Just don't send your new man up because he'll be coming home in a body bag."  (it is legal to defend yourself in FL and I have some pretty formidable guns, which are normally used on boats to protect my passengers and family from any dangers)  She backed right down and so did her new group of mafia scumbags she is hanging out with.  

I have to laugh a little bit... .  I did scare the mob... .  ha ha ha

But watch out... .  they do dream of violence, it seems and may act on it.

[joanlee]

When I left my ex-husband of 36 years, he attempted suicide and went on a 4-day alcoholic binge... .  the cops came to the house, etc. It was a nightmare. I have always been a little bit afraid of him. We had many guns in the house... .  what is so sad, is that they took him away, but couldn't hold him because of the alcohol. If it has anything to do with alcohol at all, they can't hold him and help him with the BPD. So I was worried he might come after me. But thank God he didn't. He now has a new girlfriend, which will be interesting. But I'd sleep with one eye open if I were you.

[joanlee]

And when I challenged him on verbally abusing me, he said I should 'watch out' for the things I say that make him mad. What bunch of BS. I read a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship that changed my life 20 years ago. I can't believe I stayed for 15 more years. It's almost too painful to think about. So many years wasted. I just found out about this disorder a few months ago.

[Changed4safety]

Another thing my exBPDbf said was "Your job is to not piss me off."   *shakes head*  I think that was the same fight... .  

[benny2]

suzn

There has always been an uneasy feeling I have had about him. He has never displayed any physical violence and is very law abiding due to the fact he is a reserve cop and very much worries about his image, but everyone else is telling me to be leary because of his strange behavior. Now, looking back its kind of scarey. I remember how engrosed he was with a program called spartigus. Not sure if you are familar with it but it is nothing but blood and sex. All the programs and movies that he would watch were of violent behavior. He also has an array of guns. 24 last count. I think maybe the tendency is there, but he thinks of the consequences and because he worries about his image so much, that stops him.

[BentNotBroken]

OK, having a gun collection is not an indicator of violence or potential violence. Unless he has figured out how to aim and shoot guns with his feet, he can pretty much only use one at a time. So 24 guns is no more dangerous than 1-2.

However, his other erratic behavior does point to some instability in his mind.

THAT is what you need to beware of.

[waitaminute]

Weird and unpredictable behavior intended to emotionally destabilize you.

Let's say he's not malicious. But even such "practical jokes" (as he might think of them) can go wrong with or without mental illness. He could lose control and the prank turns dangerous. Or even just your uncertainty as to the legitimacy of a perceived threat ( is it real or is it him again) could cause you to hesitate in protecting yourself.

I would take every weird or scary event seriously. Call police, call for help, protect yourself. If it turns out to be a practical joke, someone will have some explaining to do. Better that than you being harmed.

[Maryiscontrary]

Does this behavior represent a crossing of your personal boundaries? He scared the crapnout of you. You must be very self protective of your boundaries.

Mine threw furniture  into my arm, denied it, stalked me, put nails in my tire, etc.

Nobody is ever crossing that line again with me.

[benny2]

I am not really afraid of him, just wondering if maybe I should be. Afterall, I did overlook a lot of things in the beginning.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all who posted here.

I have to say Yes... .  they can be, and when in one of these bursts, minimal contact is necessary as much as possible...

Looking back at the pattern of events with my uBP male partner, when he perceives any (of the limited amounts of people left who have anything to do with him) of them to be against him, (even if they are only angry with what he has been doing!), he goes on more of a violent bend than ever...

As our initial friendship developed, uBP stayed at my rental property for what was supposed to be a few months, whilst he secured employment... He had told me he was homeless, and living in his car, but later, (when I formed a relationship with his elderly parents), I learned that he was not in fact homeless at all... When he was in one of his many, and weekly extinction bursts, (which usually coincided with his running out of his unemployment payment money), he would perceive everything his parents did, and everything they said, to be against him... He would become nasty, vindictive and menacing towards them, and the guilt would drive him off in his car, often in a huge display of verbal abuse and dramatics. For the most part, his venom is directed at his Father, (the source of his childhood distress). But a fair amount of his venom is now directed (indirectly via me) verbally at his Mother as well.

I am absolutely certain that a lot of the things he tells me daily about her, are not in fact what he says to her face at all... and I have asked her...

Just half an hour ago, I listened to him for an hour, denigrating his parents once again... It is his Father's birthday today, and his parents are going to their elder son's for an afternoon meal... uBP is invited, but he chooses to stay away, (and then complain about not being wanted! or good enough, or laughed at).

He often tells me they are to him, like the Nazi's were to the Jews, (often seeing himself as the victim ironically). A lot of what he says is not true at all, and it all comes from his own disordered thinking and perceptions about people... Sad really, but it is pretty hard at times to pity a snarling, snapping rabid dog, about to pounce on your heart and rip it out... .  

When I rang him this afternoon, (knowing something was up because he hadn't rung in the morning like he normally does), he hung up as soon as he answered... then he picked up when I rang back... I knew it was going to be a negative phone call experience, but am damned if I don't ring, and damned if I do... I asked what he was doing, and he said he was sitting outside in the garage... in the stinking heat of summer, too hot to rest in his shed-room, and not much money to do much else... He ranted on aggressively for an hour, like a snarling wild dog, and I knew eventually, his verbal attack about his parents, would soon be turned onto me. If I sounded like I was going to say goodbye it would come, so I knew whatever I did, the end of the call would trigger his abandonment... ironically, I am supposed to keep talking through his verbal abuse towards me, my house, and the close family I share it with, (who are also 'against[/b] him'. I am also supposed to listen to his aggression and hatred of his parents too apparently...

When I suggested phoning his Mother, to wish the Father 'Happy Birthday', he got all nasty because I have a friendship with them, and told me he was going out, (trying to make me worry about where he was going). I asked him where he was going 'out' to, and he replied 'the park where I spend my life and have done for the three years I have known you'.. Mmm right... .  I simply said I had known his parents for three years, and was merely being polite... not wishing to engage his Father, simply pass the message on...

uBP is jealous of his Father talking to me at all if longer than five minutes... So, with that, he started attacking my home, and my daughter and her partner again, telling me I am a Nazi, greedy, rich, fat, nasty in my rich house, whilst he is on the street, and then told me to 'F*** Off'...

I waited for about ten minutes, then called his Mother anyway, she told me she was going out with the husband shortly, to their older son and family's for dinner... I said to pass on 'Happy Birthday' to the Father... meanwhile, uBP was talking in the background, like a different person from only minutes ago on the phone with me, and joking around.. She asked if I wanted to speak to uBP, and I said No, but he had quickly grabbed the phone. I said 'Bye' and hung up on him... Before BP had grabbed the phone off her, I said to her, that now he was inside and all friendly, like nothing had just happened... She told me to go outside or go for a run along the beach... I said No, I don't feel like that today... but thanks... I asked her if her son (whilst she has told me about the way he acts and talks to her at times is terrible) tells her to F** Off several times per week? 

She said, well,  hesitating, she was indicating what I already know about the way he often talks and acts around them, but he does not swear at his Mother like he does to me... Sometimes it seems he has difficulty deciding how he feels about either of his parents, either splitting them into white or black, as we all know is how it goes.

I asked her again, if he tells her to 'F Off' several times per week? She said that he does not... I said, well, he just did that to me, and it is not acceptable, every week, several times per week for three years...

Just on Saturday night, (he came and stayed 2 nights at my place),he started on again about the past, he creates his own conflict and drama in the present, about things that have happened, been resolved, and yet, he complains he cannot move forward in life, because he is constantly in crisis... it is all of his own stupid making...

In the past, he threatened me with weapons, damaged my property on more than one occasion, premeditated an attack with a huge wrench, tried killing both of us by driving into a power pole, screamed death threats at me many times, and others indirectly to me, has threatened members of his family, threatened his Father a couple of times. Recently in the months building to Xmas, he threatened his Father with a heavy wrench again, and they called the police and had him removed and served with a 72 hour trespass notice on their property...

A few days after he came back, they also followed through with a long term plan to seek assistance from local Emergency Mental Health teams... The parents advised that they come on a Monday, as that was the day they would most likely witness him at his worst for an adequate evaluation, but Mental Health ignored the parents,and came out on a Thursday, a day when BP had money, and was busily working on his project car at the parents... uBP is extremely intelligent, (possessing a degree in mining science, and was a gifted child at school).He talked his way out of any action, and convinced the Mental Health team that it was nothing but a family feud and long term smear campaign against him by all his family...

During the days he was away, I had a difficult time with him too, despite providing him with money for food and beverages... He was abusive to me the whole time, and it was horrible, but I knew he couldn't really help it, and also could not see him starve... His own self imposed punishment has ended in his being terribly underweight.

Add to this, I have concerns that he may have 'other women' he is praying on for sympathy and help, or that he may even be using drugs...

[Suzn]

His history has not shown violence from what you say. The behaviors you speak of are odd and, yes, sound scary. Understanding your friends, or anyone, as you are seeing here, can be triggered by behaviors they or you can not control.

Im glad you are safe and are practicing awareness of the possibilities, though they are just that. Being observant of your surroundings is good practice for anyone, for your safety and well being. Take care of you.

[letmeout]

My exBPD could be dangerous. He shot a family pet 5 times, just because the neighbor complained that the dog was barking one morning. Looking back, I should have had him arrested for it, but I was too afraid that I would be next.

Thank goodness I finally escaped; do you ever recover from 35 years of living with someone that sick?

[ScotisGone74]

My ex BPD SO would throw things when she got angry, whatever was close.  On one occassion she was throwing a crying fit and I told her that I had to go, on my way out she jumps in front of me at the door and says if I try leaving she would call the cops and tell them I hit her.  I thought she was joking for a second, but I clearly saw that she was not.  Also  she new I had a pistol I kept in my truck and was used to being at her house, I believe this only added to her unreal happiness in having me discover she was keeping another guy in her house and making up stories about it.  What a toxic force