Are they capable of this?...

[Wraith]

Hi all! I'm new here and just broke up with my BPD ex. For a clearer perspective on my situation, I posted on the New Members thread... .  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193073.msg12190798#msg12190798

But I'd like to ask this question: Are BPD's capable of showing extreme love and compassion to certain people, but none to specific others?

I ask this because my ex seemed to have compassion for certain members of her family, like her younger brother, whom she would always talk about and be fond of. I'd see this for myself when I'd be at their house, by seeing her cuddle and hug the guy, and show affection as if she genuinely loved him. She apparently has this too for her soft spoken cousin.

Nothing wrong with this at all, in fact it's normal for a non BPD, and definitely an endearing trait, but knowing that she's got BPD confuses me.

What confuses me most is how that particular trait can seem to be present in her, when it is clear she has BPD. I know that being a different person to different people is a common BPD trait, but does the "character/ phase" of "being genuinely nice and compassionate" also exist in a BPD? Because this phase always came out with her younger brother and cousin. Thing is though, she never really showed that same level of compassion and fondness with me.

This confuses me because in as much as I've accepted that she has BPD, the whole element of having a compassionate "phase" does not align with my understanding of the disorder. I know that they can fake these things, but does that mean she's faking with her brother and cousin all the time? Because it looked and felt real to me, especially that they're all family.

[Whatwasthat]

  Wraith

As I understand it there's nothing to prevent someone with BPD traits from having positive relationships with some friends and family. It's often stated here that very troubled people who have extreme difficulty in  maintaining good relationships with an S/O can appear completely 'normal' to others in their lives.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[mitti]

But I'd like to ask this question: Are BPD's capable of showing extreme love and compassion to certain people, but none to specific others?

Yes, absolutely. It is the level of intimacy that creates the push pull behavior brought on by fear. BPD is an attachment disorder. Being emotionally close to another human being involves a lot a panic, fear and pain for a pwBPD. It makes them, often after a moment when we feel the most connected to them, need to push us away, often quite brutal for us. They may not be aware of what is causing these intense feelings in them. They will "create" a reason for them not to want to be with us, feel that we have made some mistake to warrant this. When it first happens it is almost incomprehensible and painful.

My uBPDbf is similar to your ex in that he will show affection and compassion to other people but withhold from me. He for instance has friends that will basically take advantage and be downright abusive to him and he lets them. He will always defend these friends even when he admits they have used him or others. With me, and anybody he has been in a r/s with there's the other side. He goes through phases, when he is pushing me away. He will be cold, non-affectionate, rude, irritable, non-helpful, non-communicative and rage. But in between he will be the opposite with me also especially in the beginning of our r/s. Then he will show me more affection and love than to anybody else.

Take care

[HarmKrakow]

When I read, 'Are they capable of ... ' the first thing that came to my mind is without knowing what they should be capable of doing ...

No, they aint capable and yes they say they are.  

I ask this because my ex seemed to have compassion for certain members of her family, like her younger brother, whom she would always talk about and be fond of. I'd see this for myself when I'd be at their house, by seeing her cuddle and hug the guy, and show affection as if she genuinely loved him. She apparently has this too for her soft spoken cousin.

My gf w BPD does exactly(!) the same. Literally. Cuddle, hug the guy, show affection as if she genuinely loved him. I always have found it weird, the relationship between a BPDer and their family

[Wraith]

Thank you for all your replies!

WWT - I find it very interesting on how BPD's mainfest themselves with certain people, but appear completely normal with others. Is this intentional? Or is there something in the way their brain is wired that dictates them to manifest their "BPDness" to certain people/ kinds of relationships only? Because there seems to be a connection with what you said; She would tell me stories of how she interacted with someone, that I never saw her do before, or knew she was capable of, only because she was never like that to me. Like a particular story she told me on how she handled an interview. I was like, "it's so interesting how you can seem to compartmentalize yourself and your personality to fit different situations". And then she just kinda laughed and said "compartmentalize, that's your word". Well, it's true. .

mitti - I've read in multiple forums on how BPD's push their partners away when the non feels most connected. In my case though, it was different. She was mostly detached and "in her own world" when we were together, but would still show interest and a similar level of connection when we were "connected". Her episodes would only come out when I would initiate a discussion about the things she has to improve on, or when she get's stressed by an outside stimulus. So I would not really feel a "pushing away" when I was most connected. Perhaps the closest to that would be her being apathetic about my being close and loving to her.

What would happen though is that when I would naturally become distant or start to consider parting ways due to her habitual inconsistency in the relationship, and obvious cheating, she would do everything to get me back again. There was one time when we were not in good terms, and I was trying all my best to mend things together again, and her response was sheer irritability. Only when she felt that I was about to give up already, did she become regretful of her actions and said all this sweet stuff to me. She only starts to give it her all when she's about to lose someone (she's actually admitted that to me). She does nothing to get what she wants, in fact does the opposite, and when it's gone, that's the only time she reacts. Come to think of it, it IS quite similar to what you said about BPD's pushing us away when we're most connected. .

harmkrakow - Contradictory to the points of WWT and mitti, are you saying that this "compassion" they show for their family is all an act and nothing genuine?

[benny2]

My ex BPD had simular characteristics. He has totally elimated his mother because she allowed a man to move into their family  home after his dad died. I honestly don't think he will ever have anything to do with her again. There is no reasoning on his behalf. I tried. It hurts his mother terribly. He is very demanding of his oldest daughter, but yet very affectionate towards the youngest one. I often wondered how the oldest felt about that. She never complained, but it was very obvious. The youngest one however caders to his needs. If he is angry with me, she will not talk to me, that type of things. I think she is afraid of him. Where as the oldest daughter will tell him the way it is, and he does not take kindly to that.  I think maybe they tend to stay more attached to the ones that go along with their behavior and turn the other cheek, so to speak.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Wraith

I think the point is that someone with BPD traits is quite capable of liking some people - and not others - just like anyone else.

But the really difficult issues arise for them only in relationships with significant others and some close family members. There's a very good post by member Schwing in this recent thread that explains it very well.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=190176.msg12167337#msg12167337

[morningagain]

Hi Wraith,

In my experience, my (separated) wife could express compassion for others.  The distance would be created when someone would do or say something (or not do or not say something) that would trigger her, or particularly when she was already triggered.  The lack of emotional skin magnifies everything - sometimes beyond the reach of rationality.  Interestingly though, if she perceived someone was compromised enough - ( examples would be someone with Alzheimer's or a young enough child or an old enough person) she could maintain her more objective perspective - I believe she was able to maintain a healthy perspective because she would not take these peoples' actions personally.

Once her "emotional storm" had passed, her attitude would gravitate back towards objectivity.  However, her emotional memory could be very long lasting, thus she would not necessarily be able to forgive or forget.  Some people she refused to have contact with (like most of my family).

I would exacerbate her "digging in her heels" with certain people if I tried to engage her on their perspective (or her perspective of them) at the wrong time or for too long.  "Certain people" included myself.

Another issue is that this disorder includes an "emotional disregulation".  Or, to put it another way, her behaviors and thoughts are very regulated by her emotions - perhaps due to the lack of emotional skin or in conjunction with it.

The more "emotional disregulation" that I exhibited during the relationship, the more I would push her away.  This, perhaps more than anything, contributed to the death spiral.  It has taken me five and a half months to be at a point of "radical acceptance" of her disorder and "radical forgiveness" (forgiving even outrageous wrongs).  It was not until I reached the point of radical forgiveness that I have been able to converse a few times with her and not be triggered myself.  I am still not at a point that I could contribute to a healthy relationship - I do not have much of a clue as how to say 'No' to her and be ready, with patience, for her myriad of unhealthy responses.  Recently, I turned down a reconciliation offer from her, which hurts for many reasons, including that I am leaving her with her 'boyfriend', but her offer was specifically contingent on nothing changing - she deflected completely when I asked her "what would be different - how would things change?"

To put it another way, re-entering the relationship right now would be like expecting to play middle linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers having studied the playbook, but wearing nothing more than over-sized cleats and a jockstrap.

She still maintains a close relationship with one very close girlfriend.  Her friend also has a serious detachment disorder, so my wife views her as 'compromised', and the two of them seem to have more of an innate ability to avoid each others' triggers.

Sorry - I rambled a bit off topic.  Hope this is helpful.



Michael

[Clearmind]

Borderlines fear abandonment, intimacy and engulfment - all diametric from one another - this creates a plethora of feelings and emotions usually reserved for those closest. It is also confusing for those around them. Not your fault!

Since BPD develops in kids aged between 3-13 years old - the relationship with the parents can be an interesting one - especially the primary care giver. My ex loved his father and despised his mother. He sought acceptance from dad given he was absent for much of his life - philandering around with a multitude of woman. He sought distance from his mother - his primary care giver, likely to be BPD.

Look up the YouTube video - 'the five faces of a borderline'. This video explained my ex's mode for his mother, father and me. For me he oscillated much of the time between the abandoned child (idealisation phase) and the punitive parent (hater phase).

[Wraith]

Thank you all for the insights!

michael999 - "her behaviors and thoughts are very regulated by her emotions - perhaps due to the lack of emotional skin or in conjunction with it" - exactly the same as my ex.

"but her offer was specifically contingent on nothing changing" - I've realized this being a trend with all BPD's. It has nothing to do about growth (for themselves, and for the relationships', but rather what luxuries and comforts they can get out of it. If returning/ recycling enables them to get something they desire, they'll do so, but only carrying a perspective of "what they can get", and nothing about "what they can give". Which is really absurd and selfish considering it's a relationship we're talking about. It's always a one-way thing for BPD's I've noticed.

Clearmind - I've checked the video! Thank you for this! Gave me more clarity on the issue