Scared

[4mykidz]

The last 15 months (and even longer if you count the years married) have been a nightmare. My husband and I are going through a divorce. He is BPD (although does not admit to it but he has been diagnosed), bipolar and has PTSD. We are divorcing due to his abuse. He abused me when he thought I was having an affair. Ican't even count how many affairs he thinks I have had! It seems though that my life is spiraling out of control and so is his.

I have a protective order against him which he has violated as of today 6 times and he has never been arrested for those violations. I try my best at no contact but we have 4 children together and it is hard. If I do have limited contact he gets upset that I am ignoring him and treating like nothing. He then says I ust be with another because if he is getting all the mean me then someone is getting the nice me.

I was living on my own for almost a year and have lived through his accusations of my going out in the middle of the night and inviting men into my house when my children are asleep. I have gone through this with him multiple times. I have never been with anyone else while married or separated. I tell him this over and over but to him I am always lying. He creates these elaborate stories in his head of these people and how we are connected. According to him I have been with more men then I can count.

Even through all his accusations and fear he has put me through he still thinks we can reconcile. He does not see how anything he has done has led us here. It has always been my affairs (that never even happened) or my lack of love for him or anything else he can use to make it my fault. He tells me I need to change. He will be nice to me for a week or so and then when I don't act or react the way he wants me to we go back to "You must be seeing someone" which then leads to anger and threats and then back to "I love you" and "I want our family back".  I have told him from the beginning that I was going to get a divorce due to him physically attacking me again. I have stuck by that. I have sole custody of kids due to a protective order. He can't stand that loss of power.

It seems that he is spiraling further and further out of control and I am scared to death. I am scared that he is going to end up in jail. I amscared he is going to hurt me or someone else whom he thinks I am involved with but really aren't. I am scared he is going to lose it and snap and hurt me and my family. He does not know any boundaries. He knows no limits. His words are the truth and everything else that goes against that is a lie. I am so scared. If he does go to jail what will he do when he gets out? I am so confused.

Is this typical of BPD or is this a whole bunch of other issues that need to be addressed? He says he is on meds but with an episode every week now for 3 weeks he can't be on his meds. He is not sleeping. He is obsessed with stalking me and others. I have called the police to report but nothing has been done.

Has anyone else every experienced this?  Any words of advice or survivor stories would be greatly appreciated as I am feeling hopeless that my life will ever be anything but this.

[mamachelle]

There are many resources here for excellent advice on splitting with a BPD. I went through a scary time 8 years ago when I spilt with BPDexH. Better now but at the time very scary and very dangerous.

I have since read Gift of fear by Gavin de Becker. A truly amazing book.

You don't have time for that but you could do this risk assessment, from his mosaic site.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

It sounds like you need to get somewhere safe but I'm not there to say for sure.

Take care. Keep posting. Others will have more to say I'm sure.

[Changed4safety]

I just took this myself and my eyes are like this:   

I was an 8 out of 10.  I feel very, very lucky right now. 

[tuum est61]

I have a protective order against him which he has violated as of today 6 times and he has never been arrested for those violations.

... .  


I am scared he is going to lose it and snap and hurt me and my family. He does not know any boundaries. He knows no limits.

4mykidz,

I see you are back on today posting - 3 months after you last posted.  I read all your other posts - your situation is very difficult and I am very concerned about your safety and the safety of your children.

You received a lot of advice about calling 911 when your husband threatens you.  You say you have called the authorities, but the police are not doing anything about it. Whether they respond directly or not, it is important to keep calling, to maintain an ongoing record of your situation.  

I noted in one of your earlier posts that you were a teacher. Are you currently working?  Have you shared your situation with any of your colleagues?   Or have you joined any domestic violence groups?  Have you spoken to a therapist? Again for future reference and for your own survival, reach out to others that are nearer to you than we are.

I have never been with anyone else while married or separated. I tell him this over and over but to him I am always lying.  

I know it is easier said than done, but you have to figure out how to stop responding to his accusations. Continuing to discuss your relationship status maintains his control.  But rather than "no contact" or "no response", you need to try to find the words that validate his feelings on the matter without denying you are seeing anyone else - whether or not you or others think he deserves consideration of his feelings or not.  It takes time, but validation doesnt make things worse, and it CAN even make things better, even if at first it feels patronising to the both of you. The following examples neither deny or affirm that you are seeing anyone - thats your business anyway, but it does acknowledge he's not happy about it happening.  

"I can see how me moving on to another relationship would bother you very much."  "I can see you would be very hurt by me starting another relationship at this time."  "I can see you would be concerned by there being another person in the children's lives." "I know you love the kids very much and having another person in my life would hurt you very much."  

You may need to find your own set of words to validate your soon to be ex husbands worries.  Once you find them. stick with them, and repeat them everytime he raises the issue.  He will stop accusing you of lying if you stop answering the question.

Good luck and best wishes.  Above all, please stay safe.