Having some real issues moving on

[trevjim]

Hi please read my post if you would like to be filled in on my story

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193146.new#new

Its been nearly 3 months since the BU and about 2 weeks Solid N/C

Im finding it really hard to move on from my BPDex Girlfriend.

I never met anyone who made me feel so special and worth something as she did, ive never felt so wanted.

The sex was incredible, so intense and intimate.

She was stunning, way out my league in terms of looks, i know looks are not everything, but they do count for something.

I really enjoyed having someone share the same tv shows and activitys as me (mirroring)

I know this is horrible and i didnt realise she had BPD at the time, but i enjoyed the fact that when we argued and i would walk away, she would chase after me.

I am N/C but i am finding it hard to stop checking her facebook.

The fact that she could get engadged or pregnant with her current BF scares me as to how much it will make me feel.

I am currently in the stage were a part of me wants her to '~' me and a part of me is scared!

Does anyone have any advice?

Will i ever find someone who will make me feel as she did in the stage were she was idolizing me?

How do i let go?

[HarmKrakow]

Hi please read my post if you would like to be filled in on my story

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193146.new#new

Its been nearly 3 months since the BU and about 2 weeks Solid N/C

Im finding it really hard to move on from my BPDex Girlfriend.

I never met anyone who made me feel so special and worth something as she did, ive never felt so wanted.

The sex was incredible, so intense and intimate.

She was stunning, way out my league in terms of looks, i know looks are not everything, but they do count for something.

I really enjoyed having someone share the same tv shows and activitys as me (mirroring)

I know this is horrible and i didnt realise she had BPD at the time, but i enjoyed the fact that when we argued and i would walk away, she would chase after me.

I am N/C but i am finding it hard to stop checking her facebook.

The fact that she could get engadged or pregnant with her current BF scares me as to how much it will make me feel.

I am currently in the stage were a part of me wants her to 'recycle' me and a part of me is scared!

Does anyone have any advice?

Will i ever find someone who will make me feel as she did in the stage were she was idolizing me?

How do i let go?

I'm facing the exact same sh!t.

Will you ever find someone who will make me feel as she did in the stage were she was idolizing you? Of course! There are millions of girls who have diagnosed BPD syndrom everywhere around the world! Go and hunt my friend! And we will be here again in 12 months time. If you detox from cocaine, or any other hard drug, the question would you ever be able to find such a high again? Of course, by doing it again. You know that as well as I do.

You won't feel the same in a normal r/s for the simple reason because a normal gf won't put a mirror up as our looney BPD gf would do.

How do you let go? Ask a shrink, i'm currently visiting two of them. Mainly cognitive therapy. Analyze the steps how you got into this relationship, what made you move towards this? And the pain we suffer right now is missing a 'rational link' in our brains.

1) something happens

2) you think

3) you put a feeling to your thought

When we are in the end of a BPD r/s, that 2nd process in our thinking got f!cked over. Is malfunctioning. We spot something and we straight away, without any rationality put a feeling to that. And therefore we question ourselves, will we ever ... .  ?

[trevjim]

Has anyone found love with someone else after a BPD and felt as good as they did in the 'Idol' stage?

[its_tough]

Don't check her Facebook!  You are setting yourself up for disappointment.  I know this first hand.

[Changed4safety]

I caved and checked FB last night.  He told me he was going to start dating again, at least he warned me.  I had been doing pretty well, starting to climb out of the misery hole and being able to do things again.  This was like a kick in the gut.  We have many mutual friends, and I actually do think I could be friends with him once I heal.  He has told me that if I block him on FB he will not be in contact again, and I don't want that.  In a way he's kind of right, it's up to me to set my boundaries and keep them.  I have a choice in looking or not.  By blocking him I eliminate that choice. 

I have, however, removed all updates and removed him from my feed and don't turn on chat. 

And the "funny" thing is, I broke up with him!  It was horrible.  For me, it's always been easier to handle pain than to cause pain or "disappoint" anyone.  That is what I need to be working on. 

[hithere]

Does anyone have any advice?

You are lucky you got out, go read the staying board and see how much suffering and effort these people put in for years and decades and they get barely anything in return.

Will i ever find someone who will make me feel as she did in the stage were she was idolizing me?

Yes and no.  I just got engaged last month, I left my BPDex a year ago.  My fiancée does not idolize me, does not put me on a pedestal but she does respect me, she does treat me amazing, the sex is great, she makes me feel awesome!  We argue and listen to each other and apologize and live in the same reality! This is much better than being idolized for a few months then abused by someone that can never love you in a healthy way and will never be a partner in your relationship.

How do i let go?

It is not easy, you are like an addict looking for the high.  It will hurt but time does heal.  If you fail at no contact just keep trying.

[trevjim]

And the "funny" thing is, I broke up with him!  It was horrible.  For me, it's always been easier to handle pain than to cause pain or "disappoint" anyone.  That is what I need to be working on. 

This has been a hard part for me, The fact i ended the relationship, Fills me with regret, even though i know it wasnt a good relationship, I still feel 'I wish i tried harder'

Its alot harder to dump then to be dumped sometimes .

Its so hard to remove them from the high pedastal in my mind

[trevjim]

Does anyone have any advice?

Yes and no.  I just got engaged last month, I left my BPDex a year ago.  My fiancée does not idolize me, does not put me on a pedestal but she does respect me, she does treat me amazing, the sex is great, she makes me feel awesome!  We argue and listen to each other and apologize and live in the same reality! This is much better than being idolized for a few months then abused by someone that can never love you in a healthy way and will never be a partner in your relationship.

If you dont mind me asking, Do you love your current Fiancee in the same way you loved the 'Good' side of your BPDex? As that scares me, that I will never feel the amount of love for anyone else again, and that ill always be wishing i loved them as much as i 'loved' my BPDex

[its_tough]

Thanks for posting this.  I have been out for a few years but find myself reconnecting on occasion.  It always ends with me hurt. 

It's true, we don't get much in return from these people.  Any new relationship will have a honeymoon phase where you feel great.  Probably similar to a BPD relationship.  I feel vulnerable to my ex but I bring that on myself.  I say to myself let her meet someone and marry that person and she can clean him out because that would have been me.

   

Re: Having some real issues moving on

« Reply #5 on: Today at 10:14:15 AM »

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Does anyone have any advice?

You are lucky you got out, go read the staying board and see how much suffering and effort these people put in for years and decades and they get barely anything in return.

Quote

Will i ever find someone who will make me feel as she did in the stage were she was idolizing me?

Yes and no.  I just got engaged last month, I left my BPDex a year ago.  My fiancée does not idolize me, does not put me on a pedestal but she does respect me, she does treat me amazing, the sex is great, she makes me feel awesome!  We argue and listen to each other and apologize and live in the same reality! This is much better than being idolized for a few months then abused by someone that can never love you in a healthy way and will never be a partner in your relationship.

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How do i let go?

It is not easy, you are like an addict looking for the high.  It will hurt but time does heal.  If you fail at no contact just keep trying.

[hithere]

I love her more honestly and deeply.

In reflection what I loved about my exBPD was the mirroring and the manipulation.  It was not real.

My fiancée does not make me feel that intoxication of the idealization phase but that was not real anyways.

Instead of the huge highs and lows my current relationship is like a pleasant happy stroll through rolling hills.  My relationship with my exBPD was more like a crazy merry-go-round that was out of control or climbing huge mountains and then falling of the ledges.

I feel more happy more often, I feel secure and look forward to the future.  With my exBPD I was afraid, unhappy, stressed out and anxious much of the time (especially after the idealization period).  Overall this relationship feels much better, normal and makes me happy.

If you are seeking that same high, as someone else above mentioned, you will have to find it with a new BPD relationship but you will pay a very steep price.  A future love will make you feel happy and fulfilled without the crazy highs and lows.

[Changed4safety]

It is my understanding that what you describe is the inevitable result of being with someone for the long haul.  Falling in love is very much a chemical thing, with the brain bombarding us with all kinds of happy drugs for a period of time--sometimes longer, sometimes shorter.  But that eventually ends and people move into another stage of love, much like you describe.  Instead of being ecstatic, we're happy.

In my experience, the BPDs kept that initial phase going through artificial means--mirroring, idealization, and then the drama (which also releases chemicals, and to which our bodies become addicted).  You never get a chance to get to "happy" because you're too busy being agonized or in ecstasy. 

I'm having a hard time with the "calm" right now of not having him in my life.  I'm wondering if the wounds he left are too deep to overcome.  I've always been called to drama and to rescuing, as I'm an adult child of an alcoholic.  In theory peace sounds good... .  I just don't know if I can adjust to it. 

But I'm sure going to try.   

[trevjim]

It is my understanding that what you describe is the inevitable result of being with someone for the long haul.  Falling in love is very much a chemical thing, with the brain bombarding us with all kinds of happy drugs for a period of time--sometimes longer, sometimes shorter.  But that eventually ends and people move into another stage of love, much like you describe.  Instead of being ecstatic, we're happy.

In my experience, the BPDs kept that initial phase going through artificial means--mirroring, idealization, and then the drama (which also releases chemicals, and to which our bodies become addicted).  You never get a chance to get to "happy" because you're too busy being agonized or in ecstasy. 

I'm having a hard time with the "calm" right now of not having him in my life.  I'm wondering if the wounds he left are too deep to overcome.  I've always been called to drama and to rescuing, as I'm an adult child of an alcoholic.  In theory peace sounds good... .  I just don't know if I can adjust to it. 

But I'm sure going to try.   

I know what you mean, its great being calm and peaceful and not walking on eggshells, but a part of me misses the drama she caused.

I'm on the middle of the rollercoaster and although when being with a BPD partner you have strong highs AND lows, I feel right now I have no real highs.

[hithere]

You need to find the highs elsewhere, start a hobby, travel, reconnect with old friends or family, work-out, do some charity work... .  

[Changed4safety]

Trying--learning what I like, which I never knew before... .  did my own fair share of "mirroring" I'm afraid.  It's difficult to switch when your whole life from childhood you get your "highs" from relationships, and were also taught that you were nothing without a man, and a man's approval of you was what you should strive for.   

[HarmKrakow]

You need to find the highs elsewhere, start a hobby, travel, reconnect with old friends or family, work-out, do some charity work... .  

This is the right answer.

Will you ever find someone else that intense in regards of the idealization phase as you had with a BPDer? No of course not, if they didn't have the BPD you wouldn't have been here in the first place . You will only find that intensity again if you go for a again for a BPDer and I know someone who got himself through 3 BPD relationships. Do you want to go there... no you don't ...