New Year, New Approach

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all,

I've been away from here for over a month now, which I think is the longest since I was first lucky enough to find this site back last summer.  I had a tough Christmas, dealing with the one year anniversary of the incredibly traumatic breakup from my dBPD ex.  I posted here a few times then to try and vent and clear my head a little, and as usual found myself feeling extremely fortunate to have the great support of the people here.

Since then there have been plenty more down days, but I've also taken some huge steps forward which have left me feeling more positive about life than I can remember being for almost 18 months.  I finally heard back from the psychiatrist that my GP referred me to back in November, and she offered me an appointment for just a few days later.  I met her and spent almost an hour talking through my issues of depression and the breakup from my BPD ex.  She was extremely supportive and was delighted to hear that I had already begun to improve my diet and start an exercise routine as she believed these were the most important first steps I should take.  I was also relieved to here that she didn't think it would be appropriate to prescribe any medication and that her initial impression was that my condition fell into the category of dysthymia rather than full blown clinical depression.

She immediately referred me into two specialists working within the center, and I saw both of them the following week.  The first is a psychologist who is starting a group for mindfulness focused meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy.  She agreed with the psychiatrist that I could really benefit from participating and so I am due to start that in about two weeks time.  The second specialist is an occupational therapist, who I have already seen twice and have another meeting booked for next week.  She too was exceptionally sympathetic and understanding, and she assured me that she is there to offer me support however it is needed, taking it step by step at whatever pace I am comfortable back.  She believes that the first step has to be to help me get my confidence and self esteem back, and I certainly feel that this is at the top of my list of priorities.

At the same time I am continuing my new program of regular exercise and better eating.  I've been averaging 20km a day on the exercise bike for almost a month now, with some light weight lifting thrown in as well.  Since the start of December I've dropped 10lbs and almost 2 inches off my waistline, whilst adding over an inch apiece to my upper arms, forearms, thighs and calves.  Combined with the relief of beginning to get some professional assistance with dealing with everything going on in my head I really am starting to feel so much better about myself.  I even noticed I was humming the other day.  I don't hum.  Ever.  It was like noticing that I was wearing women's clothing all of a sudden 

Of course none of that means I'm now "fixed".  I know I've got a long way left to go.  I still have those downward mood swings pretty regularly, especially when I think of my ex.  That still happens every day without fail.  There's not really any anger or frustration about what happened anymore.  Just a huge amount of sadness that I lost my best friend from my life.  I miss her.  I really miss her.

But I know now that I can move my life forward in spite of that sadness.  I always knew that I had to, but now I'm starting to believe that I'm capable of it.

Thanks for listening,

Michael

[ConfusedMichael]

Hi all,

I've been away from here for over a month now, which I think is the longest since I was first lucky enough to find this site back last summer.  I had a tough Christmas, dealing with the one year anniversary of the incredibly traumatic breakup from my dBPD ex.  I posted here a few times then to try and vent and clear my head a little, and as usual found myself feeling extremely fortunate to have the great support of the people here.

Since then there have been plenty more down days, but I've also taken some huge steps forward which have left me feeling more positive about life than I can remember being for almost 18 months.  I finally heard back from the psychiatrist that my GP referred me to back in November, and she offered me an appointment for just a few days later.  I met her and spent almost an hour talking through my issues of depression and the breakup from my BPD ex.  She was extremely supportive and was delighted to hear that I had already begun to improve my diet and start an exercise routine as she believed these were the most important first steps I should take.  I was also relieved to here that she didn't think it would be appropriate to prescribe any medication and that her initial impression was that my condition fell into the category of dysthymia rather than full blown clinical depression.

She immediately referred me into two specialists working within the center, and I saw both of them the following week.  The first is a psychologist who is starting a group for mindfulness focused meditation and cognitive behavioral therapy.  She agreed with the psychiatrist that I could really benefit from participating and so I am due to start that in about two weeks time.  The second specialist is an occupational therapist, who I have already seen twice and have another meeting booked for next week.  She too was exceptionally sympathetic and understanding, and she assured me that she is there to offer me support however it is needed, taking it step by step at whatever pace I am comfortable back.  She believes that the first step has to be to help me get my confidence and self esteem back, and I certainly feel that this is at the top of my list of priorities.

At the same time I am continuing my new program of regular exercise and better eating.  I've been averaging 20km a day on the exercise bike for almost a month now, with some light weight lifting thrown in as well.  Since the start of December I've dropped 10lbs and almost 2 inches off my waistline, whilst adding over an inch apiece to my upper arms, forearms, thighs and calves.  Combined with the relief of beginning to get some professional assistance with dealing with everything going on in my head I really am starting to feel so much better about myself.  I even noticed I was humming the other day.  I don't hum.  Ever.  It was like noticing that I was wearing women's clothing all of a sudden 

Of course none of that means I'm now "fixed".  I know I've got a long way left to go.  I still have those downward mood swings pretty regularly, especially when I think of my ex.  That still happens every day without fail.  There's not really any anger or frustration about what happened anymore.  Just a huge amount of sadness that I lost my best friend from my life.  I miss her.  I really miss her.

But I know now that I can move my life forward in spite of that sadness.  I always knew that I had to, but now I'm starting to believe that I'm capable of it.

Thanks for listening,

Michael

[myself]

Hi Michael, that is all good news. The reaching out for help and finding it, the focus on your health, the humming. I found myself whistling the other day and had a similar moment, amazed and glad to be doing so, a bit sad to realize it had been so long and why, but then I continued on with it and am noticing it's not as rare of an occurrance anymore. Still have better days than others, but like you, I'm only wishing everybody well, and am just missing someone I care about. Turning that extra attention we have onto ourselves seems more than fitting. Thanks for sharing your story and these updates.

[maria1]

Hi Michael- great to have you back and sounds like some real, solid positive steps forward. I'm full of admiration and repect for you 

What's your understanding of dysthymia?

[ConfusedMichael]

Thank you both,

It's something I first started to read up on a couple of years ago as a lot of it seemed familiar.  Fatigue, poor concentration, irregular sleep and appetite, low confidence and self esteem.  It's not as severe as major/clinical depression, so the severe downturn of the past 18 months led me to discount it and forget about it really.  But I have now read that dysthymia sufferers will often experience at least one major depressive episode as well, which I'm guessing is something I'm working my way back from after the trigger of the break up.

Forcing some lifestyle changes in areas like exercise, diet and sleep patterns seem to be major factors in its reduction, so I'm glad that I've already made a start in all three of those.  CBT is also highly recommended, so I'm looking forward to giving that a try this month.  It's amazing just how much difference it can make to have a bit of support.  I first started to see that when I found this site last year, then when I started to open up to a couple of close friends, and now that I've also got some professional support to help me through this.  It's really helping and I'm so grateful that I have it.

[Whatwasthat]

Hi Michael   

It sounds like you've found some really good and helpful support. I'm sorry you had a frustrating wait to get it but I'm also impressed that you used the time to make changes that are already helping you. That shows a great deal of strength and focus.

It sounds like you may already have enough tools in your 'rehabilitation kit' but if you have the inclination and access to practitioners I can heartily recommend cranio-sacral osteopathy as a means of helping the whole mind/body system get back on a good track. It is only worth doing though if you can find someone who is strongly recommended by a friend or contact because - as with everything else - practitioners vary greatly in their ability.

I like the sound of the humming! I now occasionally sing while cooking (I agree that it's a very good sign).

It's always an inspiration when people come back here and talk about their progress. Thanks so much for keeping us posted on that.

All the best. WWT.

[ambi]

That's a great update.   Thank you for sharing this. 

[P.F.Change]

Good job taking care of yourself. Keep up the hard work!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[ConfusedMichael]

Thank you all, the support really means a lot to me.  I'm glad to be able to provide some positive updates, especially as many of the steps I've taken were things suggested by people right here on this board.  On that note I'll also have a look into that osteopathy you recommended WWT, and see if there are any well regarded practitioners within driving distance.

I'll also be sure to hang around here for a while, this isn't just a one off visit after my recent break.  I told my OT I'd make a list of some of the continued conflicts and doubts that go around my head ahead of our next meeting, so working through them here could well help me bring them all to the front of my mind so I can get them down on paper.

[maria1]

Great to know you're sticking around for a bit Michael- it's not the same round here without you 

[patientandclear]

I agree w/Maria!  Great to "see" you.  You're inspiring me with your practice of making yourself do what you know you need to do -- and having your spirits and mind follow your actions.

P&C