Hold my boundary, or do I validate?

[peaceplease]

Perhaps, I am wrong, but I chose not to validate my dd's feelings about her exbf.  And, here's why -  She will complain that when she gives an inch he takes a mile.  She just wants to be friends, but then he wants to be a friend with benefits.  I told her many times that she can not be friends with him.  That is what always happens. Previously, I told her they can be civil, but they do not need to be friends.  Also, she tends to use him, but then she complains when he expects more from her.  Although, last year, she actually did sleep with him because she wanted him to fix her car. 

This morning, my dd was complaining how she had to cut off her friendship with exbf because he is crazy.  And, she told me that she believes that he may get mad enough at her and kill her.  She told me that my mother told her that she was afraid that exbf may try to kill her when he gets mad at her.  Given my mother's mental state, I told her, that I can't see my mother sayinng that.  Then, she yelled and told me that it was several years ago.  I said, okay, but I actually said it, not my mother.    She was mad because I asked her what to do with my gs school papers.  She was mad because I acted like I didn't care. 

I am just so tired of her doing the same thing over and over and crying to me about it.  I have told her before that I do not want her crying to me about her exbf.  I have warned her that they can't be friends.  I told her that I did not have much to say because she wouldn't like what I have to say.  And, I told her that I was going to hang up because she was being condescending and yelling at me. 

Of course, she told me to hang up and be childish.  And, I can't talk like a grown up.  I say good-bye and hang up.  Then she sent me five messages.  Telling me that I am just like my mother going to church and acting ignorant and not having any manners.   And, she is starting not to like any of us. (I am not sure it that meant extended family as well)

Also, told me to quit screaming mental health and to check myself.  Actally, I told her that I was looking at therapists for myself.

I have told her numerous times do not complain to me about exbf.  She keeps repeating the same old, same old patterns.  I believe that I am right in my consequence to her is I will not listen about problems with your exbf. I have told her that he always wants more than being friends.  and, she shares way TMI with me.  As a mom, I do NOT want to hear it.  She tells me that she has nobody else to talk to about it.  And, I am her mom, I should listen.

I know that she is in a bad place of mind now, due to upcoming house arrest.  And, says that I have changed so much since my mother became sick in 2011.  Actually, the change started before that.  I had her move out in May/June 2011.  By, August, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  She really feels abandoned when anyone requires my time.  Felt the same way when I devoted my time to my dying brother.


I am searching for the right therapist and will be looking at some new books.  I could probably benefit from DBT, myself.   I wish that we had it in my area.   I did find one that uses CBT. 

So, opinions, am I wrong to hold onto this boundary and not validate feelings?  I don't know. Perhaps, I am wrong?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Greetings my friend peaceplease  

The relationship between the exbf and your d sounds like it causes you a great deal of pain and frustration... .  that is completely understandable.  

I don't know that speaking in terms or "right" or "wrong" is where the answer lies.  It is about what you are able to handle at this time.  Perhaps with some therapy and stronger belief in  your skills you will be able to listen and validate... .  perhaps not... .  perhaps this is a boundary for you for yourself and for a long time. 

Detaching with love may help you be able to listen to her complaints about bf while she does nothing to help herself... .  and perhaps this is a boundary for you for yourself for a long time.

The way I see it, this is a common theme for all of us moms... .  we listen, validate the feelings, let go of judgement while they do nothing to help themselves.  Perhaps this is the one situation that you don't do that... .  and perhaps with time that will change for you... .  and God willing... .  she will change the dynamic with the exbf as well.

The only suggestion I have, if it doesn't violate your boundaries, is to try asking validating questions. Like

"that would be a difficult situation to be in, I understand why you are confused about what to do." followed by "what do you think your options are?" or "how has that worked out in the past?  What do you think you could do differently to get the outcome you want?"

lbj

[peaceplease]

lbj,

Thanks.  Yes, this is an area that I have a hard time detaching.  And, that is why I question after talking to her.  I can recall a former T telling me that was fine for me to have limits on what I refuse to discuss with dd.  She gave me an example of refusing to discuss anything of a financial nature with her mom.  She told me that was a topic that always led to disagreements.

I guess that it will take some time for me to get to a place where I can listen and validate re: her exbf.  Another reason that I have a hard time with it  because it affects my gs.  I think that is the main issue that I have with their r/s.  It always hurts my gs.  The poor little guy is not considered as he should be. 

I think after that phone call that perhaps I could have been a little validating with her feelings.  Naw, I can't go there yet.

[qcarolr]

Sometimes I tell DD I just don't want to be in the middle between her and a bf -- then try to change the subject to something like the weather or what I am fixing for dinner. She will still bring it up, I let go by deflecting it in quiet way. More often than not DD does not react too much and we move on.

Worth a try And I do understand aobut the impact on gs. This exbf is the daddy? Keep giving your sincere love to gs - this is best he needs from you. Not for you to referee his parents perhaps.

qcr  

[peaceplease]

qcr,

Yes, this exbf is my gs dad.  It is ashame that he suffers the brunt of their arguements.  And, last night exbf would not accept any of my dd's calls.  He has done that in the past.  He will not let my dd talk to my gs during his custody week when he is mad at my dd.  I told my dd that sounds like an issue that she can take up at domestic relations.  I think that it is cruel to keep a child from talking to his other parent.  I have always been over involved.  I can recall spending a lot of money on attorneys, and she turned around and agreed to exbf terms.  I really have a hard time listening to her beef aboout exbf.  I just want absollutely no involvement.  She knows how I feel.  How could she expect him to be any different?  And, she gives mixed messages.  They are bth  to blame.  Now, my dd is saying that she wants full custody, but that is just her anger talking.  She could never handle being a full time mom.  I don't think that a judge would grant her full custody at this point.

But, what started my dd going into a tailspin is because I brushed over what she told me.  She told me that she had to break of their friendship because he was going through her phone.  Then she proceeds to tell me TMI. Telling me that he was quizzing her about texting to her bff bf.   I made thecomment"eww".  Then  I changed the subject about my gs school papers.  I was accused of going to church and turning around and being ignorant to my own dd.  Then I told her that I was hanging up because she was yelling and being condescending to me.

Anyways, as usual, it has blown over.  We are good til next crisis.  

 

peaceplease

[jellibeans]

I just wanted to give my two cents... .  I kind of smiled when I read your post... .  my non BPD dd does this all the time. She has a boyfriend that treats her terrible and she complains to me about it all the time. I just wanted to point out that this happens to everyone regardless if they are BPD or not... .  I have a hard time watching my dd make the same mistake over and over but then I think back to when I was younger and how I did the same thing. Stayed in a relationship too long that was not good for me. I think this is a developmental stage and a really life lesson. I hope she sees it and can separate herself for her bf.

I agree with lbj... .  I think she hit it right on the head... .  I need to do that with by non BPD dd... .  it is painful to watch someone make such painful decisions and suffer so.