Hello

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi!  I'm new here. I typically post on the Undecided Board, but feel as if I'll be leaving very soon. One of the members recommended I post here.  I've been going through this roller coaster ride for some time now.  I just needed one more of my uBPDH's episodes to confirm  how horrible he treats me and awful he makes me feel for me to make a decision on the status of our relationship. That happened this weekend and I received my moment of clarity.  There is a financial issue and I have some upcoming expenses, and he showed me he could care less about what I need.   I now realize I am at the point where this marriage needs to end.  I'm no longer thinking this might work out.  I know I've given the marriage 110% and have done everything I could to keep our family together.  I've known him for 20 years, married 14. We have two young children.   :'(

He always had an anger issue all of our marriage but I started seeing red flags shortly after our children were born.  It wasn't until last year where I started to piece everything together that he acts exactly as my mom did.  I realized this must be BPD I'm dealing with once again.  I started to document episodes.  I finally got him to start counseling alone this summer and we went together a few times.   I've been in counseling most of last year and presently.  He seemed happier over summer. Then he had a setback and said I forced him into counseling!  He had surgery in fall and that was a huge trigger.  He was convinced he was dying and he was having a cartilage scope.  He gave me and the kids the silence treatment for 3 1/2 weeks before the procedure. The day before his surgery he was angry at me and told me not to go.  Obviously I did, spent the morning with his family and after all of that I took care of him during his recovery.  He threw that in my face later saying I was forced to do it so I just did.  He wrote me an email a few weeks ago saying he doesn't want to hurt me and the children; that we aren't an inconvenience.  We've had discussions and he has admitted that he has a problem!  After we went to his counselor, I talked to him twice about my feelings. What I see is wrong in our marriage, what I expect in a relationship and how I want someone to just love and that I can show my love for.  He told me he doesn't have enough positive things to say about me.  He asked me ":)o you think people will think this is normal?"  His reality is that it's normal.   

Then his birthday came a few weeks ago and I decided not to host a huge party, as in the past.  That just triggered him again big time and he has been giving me the silence treatment going on four weeks now.  He is living in the basement pretty much. I've reached out twice to him this weekend to talk to him after the kids were in bed.  He told me he doubts he'll be awake to talk to me and both times went to bed.   He approached me yesterday throwing a piece of paper with written expenses down.  I stated I won't  tolerate his behavior from this weekend. That made him angry again. He doesn't like my boundaries and doesn't show any effort to follow them and respect me!  I stated I need a breakdown as to what is coming out of my paycheck, as I work full-time. He stormed away yelling, "You won't tolerate my behavior so why are you talking to me?"  He never answered my question. 

I'm lost.  I need help!  What do I do first? I have not told him yet that the marriage is over. I'm looking for recommendations as to what I might need to do before.  I was hoping to talk to him about ending the relationship and sitting down in mediation to handle things.  I have a feeling that won't work.  He won't talk to me in my house!  So if I were to go the route of a lawyer, I know I need someone who is well versed in BPD and high conflict relationships.  I feel he will try to hurt me to the extreme, which is why I believe I've hung on for so long. To add, his mom is crazy and just like him!  I have the help of my dad who has been through this with my mom years ago.  I also have a friend who is a financial advisor certified in issues with divorce, and plan to share my story with her and contact her for advice.  I just don't even know where to begin.  The pain and hurt living in a house with someone like this 24/7 is horrible. I try hard to focus on my children and almost pretend he's not there.  And people say he's so charming and nice... .  

[Mind]

Hi!  I'm new here. I typically post on the Undecided Board, but feel as if I'll be leaving very soon. One of the members recommended I post here.  I've been going through this roller coaster ride for some time now.  I just needed one more of my uBPDH's episodes to confirm  how horrible he treats me and awful he makes me feel for me to make a decision on the status of our relationship. That happened this weekend and I received my moment of clarity.  There is a financial issue and I have some upcoming expenses, and he showed me he could care less about what I need.   I now realize I am at the point where this marriage needs to end.  I'm no longer thinking this might work out.  I know I've given the marriage 110% and have done everything I could to keep our family together.  I've known him for 20 years, married 14. We have two young children.   :'(

He always had an anger issue all of our marriage but I started seeing red flags shortly after our children were born.  It wasn't until last year where I started to piece everything together that he acts exactly as my mom did.  I realized this must be BPD I'm dealing with once again.  I started to document episodes.  I finally got him to start counseling alone this summer and we went together a few times.   I've been in counseling most of last year and presently.  He seemed happier over summer. Then he had a setback and said I forced him into counseling!  He had surgery in fall and that was a huge trigger.  He was convinced he was dying and he was having a cartilage scope.  He gave me and the kids the silence treatment for 3 1/2 weeks before the procedure. The day before his surgery he was angry at me and told me not to go.  Obviously I did, spent the morning with his family and after all of that I took care of him during his recovery.  He threw that in my face later saying I was forced to do it so I just did.  He wrote me an email a few weeks ago saying he doesn't want to hurt me and the children; that we aren't an inconvenience.  We've had discussions and he has admitted that he has a problem!  After we went to his counselor, I talked to him twice about my feelings. What I see is wrong in our marriage, what I expect in a relationship and how I want someone to just love and that I can show my love for.  He told me he doesn't have enough positive things to say about me.  He asked me ":)o you think people will think this is normal?"  His reality is that it's normal.   

Then his birthday came a few weeks ago and I decided not to host a huge party, as in the past.  That just triggered him again big time and he has been giving me the silence treatment going on four weeks now.  He is living in the basement pretty much. I've reached out twice to him this weekend to talk to him after the kids were in bed.  He told me he doubts he'll be awake to talk to me and both times went to bed.   He approached me yesterday throwing a piece of paper with written expenses down.  I stated I won't  tolerate his behavior from this weekend. That made him angry again. He doesn't like my boundaries and doesn't show any effort to follow them and respect me!  I stated I need a breakdown as to what is coming out of my paycheck, as I work full-time. He stormed away yelling, "You won't tolerate my behavior so why are you talking to me?"  He never answered my question. 

I'm lost.  I need help!  What do I do first? I have not told him yet that the marriage is over. I'm looking for recommendations as to what I might need to do before.  I was hoping to talk to him about ending the relationship and sitting down in mediation to handle things.  I have a feeling that won't work.  He won't talk to me in my house!  So if I were to go the route of a lawyer, I know I need someone who is well versed in BPD and high conflict relationships.  I feel he will try to hurt me to the extreme, which is why I believe I've hung on for so long. To add, his mom is crazy and just like him!  I have the help of my dad who has been through this with my mom years ago.  I also have a friend who is a financial advisor certified in issues with divorce, and plan to share my story with her and contact her for advice.  I just don't even know where to begin.  The pain and hurt living in a house with someone like this 24/7 is horrible. I try hard to focus on my children and almost pretend he's not there.  And people say he's so charming and nice... .  

[nona]

dear sparkle

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TOO

I left with an extinction burst then found this board (bpdfamily.com).

So I did not have the same opportunity to get it together first

Ive had 2 attorneys who DO NOT GET IT

Ive spent over 30, 000 and we are starting to prepare for trial and I dont have confidence.

I dont know where you are, and THAT has alot to do with your case.

If you are in or near an urban setting and you can sit with one of the attorneys who specialize in high conflict cases, I would START THERE

I started with the oposite and it was a mistake. NOW after losing much over 1/1/2 years, I wish I ahd hired one of the expensive specialist attorneys.

Please, please, dont go to the everyday attorney... .  unless you have no other choice... .  like me.

YOU can DO this... Im so glad you are already plugged i n here.


IT is HARD, I was married 10 years IT DOES GET BETTER

[Matt]

Some suggestions... .  

Keep posting here - on this Family Law board to talk about the mechanics of the divorce process, and on the Leaving board to work out the emotional aspects.

Read "Splitting" by Richard Warshak - about the special aspects of divorcing someone who has a personality disorder.

Talk to as many family law attorneys as you can.  You don't need to give any of them a retainer, or make any decisions about filing for divorce, til you are sure.  You can just get some free initial consultations, or maybe pay for 30 minutes of their time.

I think you're right to look for an attorney with experience in similar cases.  That can make all the difference.

Learn all you can, and then you will see your path forward.

[catnap]

Welcome Sparkle13 

Spend time garnering as much information as you can on your financials and how divorce works in your area. 

DO NOT mention to your H that you are seeking this information or talk about divorce.  This is to give you breathing room without him throwing up roadblocks such as destroying, altering, or hiding documents from you, trying to alienate the children, or any other thing to keep you off balance.

A very good resource that Matt suggested Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy is very helpful. 

There is a lot of experience on this board, so please keep posting.

[Mind]

Nona:  I'm sorry you had a rough start with this.  This place is so helpful!  Thank you for your recommendations.  It's quite overwhelming and scary right now.

Matt: Thank you for your suggestions.  I do know most attorneys offer free consultations. How do I find a lawyer who is well-versed with BPD?  Would you say it's mostly found out when you meet them? I started an online search but haven't really found any results yet.   

Catnap:  Great suggestion.  Yes, I believe that he would absolutely do anything to throw me off balance and hurt me.

[theodore]

And people say he's so charming and nice... .  

I think everyone here can relate to your story.  I know that I can.  As bleak as your outlook seems, in reality, you are in a very good position.  You have the element of surprise and can take your time to put all of your ducks in a row.  DO TAKE YOUR TIME.  Don't tip your hand. 

Read the LIST and prepare yourself: www.forum.dadsdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=15642

Then come back here. Ask questions.  Formulate your strategy.  And take heart knowing that there are many just like you.

[Matt]

A very good resource that Matt suggested Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy is very helpful. 

Whoops - I got the author wrong.

Eddy also has a great web site, www.highconflictinstitute.com/.

[Matt]

Matt: Thank you for your suggestions.  I do know most attorneys offer free consultations. How do I find a lawyer who is well-versed with BPD?  Would you say it's mostly found out when you meet them? I started an online search but haven't really found any results yet.   

First, just ask - maybe over the phone or face-to-face.  I was impressed when I finally found an attorney who actually knew what "BPD" meant - "You mean Borderline Personality Disorder?" - and she turned out to be good.

But that's not quite good enough.  You need to verify it.  My first attorney claimed he had experience with BPD, but later I found out he really didn't.

I think the best way to verify it is to ask what she has learned from working on cases involving BPD.  She should be able to tell you some stuff that sounds like what's in Eddy's book.  Of course she won't give you names or too many specifics, but there ought to be some lessons learned.

[ForeverDad]

I have not told him yet that the marriage is over.

First, you have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  If the marriage if ending then you would sabotage yourself to share information that he might (or likely would) try to use against you.  If telling him would trigger him to overreact or take actions that would harm you physically, emotionally or financially, then get experienced advice as to what to do first before informing him.

Where to find a lawyer?  I do agree you should contact your friend who is a financial advisor certified in issues with divorce, share your story with her and ask her for advice.  Likely, she can pre-select for you a short list of lawyers who would be experienced in a probable high conflict divorce.  Then if they can't help, they could recommend others more able to help.  (Good lawyers will realize they can't take all cases that walk in the door, so if they're worth their salt, they'll freely offer qualified ones for you.)

You mentioned something about not knowing where your paycheck is going?  Do you mean he's hiding the finances?  If so, then you need to do a few things:

Do try to get copies of the statements for all the accounts you can find - yours, his and "ours".  It may be more than just "control", he could be either hiding money or squandering it.  Likely "his" accounts will be be the ones he is most stubborn about hiding.  Since the "ours" accounts - joint accounts - would itemize how much he is draining away, he will try to hide those too.  While the banks won't help you with his personal accounts, you have equal rights to go to the bank and ask for copies of your joint statements.  And no, you don't need his permission - nor inform him beforehand - to access records of joint accounts.  As you can see, some of this you can do now without even telling him.  Other things, such as his personal accounts, will probably have to wait until after you have filed and started a case.

If this is your paycheck, you have every right to have it deposited into your personal account and then you can share whatever you wish for the family's finances.  Yes, doing so would likely trigger an overreaction, so do try to get as much account information and do other preparations before doing so.

Do read Splitting by William A. Eddy (at Amazon or www.HighConflictInstitute.com).  Richard Warshak's Divorce Poision is also very helpful for handling the children and potential attempts as parental alienation.

As Theodore wrote, Don't tip your hand.  By our very nature we are sharing people, however now is NOT the time to share information with him, it can too easily trigger him and/or be used against you.  Remember, you have every right to keep this confidential until the right time to disclose it.

[livednlearned]

One way you can search for attorneys who might know about BPD (or any PD) is by searching for "high-conflict divorce" or "parental alienation" -- those attorneys are usually versed in BPD.

If you live in a smaller town, it might be harder to find someone who specializes, so just do what others suggested and ask the L if he or she is familiar with personality disorders. And definitely press them on how they handled that case.

I left my ex before I found this site, and wish I had known about bpdfamily.com sooner. Before you tip your hand, read lots -- get Splitting, and spend time here. You need a really good plan when you divorce a BPD sufferer, especially when you have kids, and the good thing for you is that you have time to document things in the marriage, and put together a really good strategy for how you want to exit.