When others judge me for not rushing to care for her

[MKG1015]

Tomorrow BPDmom will have her hip replaced in Ohio while I am in Virginia. Being the Waif (with Witch tendencies), she has been needling me with guilt about not coming home to care for her since she will be "helpless." I thought I had found a poor substitution when my heroin addicted brother said he would spend the night before with her and take her to the hospital and stay till she woke up. And yet, miraculously, he has 102 fever this morning when he was perfectly fine last night (read: he scored and is sleeping it off).

Now that he will not be there for her the texts have started about how alone she is and how I am "never" there for her. It does not matter that I am a temp and have literally NO time off, nor do I get paid if I don't go to work. It does not matter that I would have to spend upwards of $500 to get home and then rent a car (which I do NOT have). It does not matter that I am closing on my first home on 2/15 and need to be here for that. What does matter is that I will not be there for her as I, supposedly, never am.

I know without looking that when I get home there will be a facebook post about how all alone she is which will invited questions from her friends. One of the questions will be "why isn't Molly coming home?" and she will answer "Molly is busy with her own life." Then the onslaught will begin. I will get phone calls, texts, fb posts/msgs and emails asking why I am unable to come home and care for my mother. In these communications will be the implication that I am abusing her and that I am useless daughter who does not take care of her "obligations." The problem with all of that is none of them know about or understand BPD. They think she is "difficult" but that I should be able to handle her. These people don't understand that I was emotionally abused and made into the parent at age 6. I rage inside b/c I want to TELL these people all of that... .  all of the things that happened and what she is REALLY like... .  but I don't. I take it and internalize it. I care so much about keeping up appearances that hearing all the shaming and scorn from these folks makes me want to charge everything to my cc and run home to dance attendance on her. Isn't that ridiculous? I'm so used to being the "model child" that I want to perpetuate that at all costs. Absurd. I am the youngest yet I am the oldest... .  the one everyone expects to do what is needful and right. While the oldest, my brother, gets a pass b.c instead of dealing with the scars from Mom's BPD he married a woman just like his mother and descended into drug abuse. But he gets a pass... .  I get the burden.

It has been hard for me to admit I was and still am abused by my mother but the hardest part is keeping that secret when others judge me for not rushing to care for her. The abuse is real, I just can't tell anyone about it.

[makeitstop5]

yep... .  even when they don't outright accuse you of being a neglectful daughter, they "accuse" you through insinuations and carefully placed phone calls, messages, etc.  Pity all these folks who are feeling so badly about the situation wouldn't offer to help - or pitch in to buy you a plane ticket. (sorry, being sarcastic).  I hear you loud and clear about the aftermath and the judgement you'll get from others.  Yes, if ONLY they knew... .  

Take care

[GeekyGirl]

Is your mother going to recover at a post-surgery rehabilitation center? Many of the folks I know who have had knee or hip replacements have gone to rehab and that can take a lot of the pressure off of the rest of the family (i.e. you) and it might be easier on your mother.

You don't need to defend yourself to the friends/family who question your decision to not go to stay with your mother. How would their judgement affect you? Would you change your plans? The abuse is real and you've made up your mind to not go to OH. I know it's tough, but sometimes you have to stick to your plans or negotiate something that works for the both of you. You could offer to visit your mother at a better time or ask a few of her friends to check up on her periodically after the surgery.

Good luck to both you and your mother.

[DogDancer]

So sorry you're dealing with this. We get it, and it's not fun or pretty, it IS abuse.

It's no one's beeswax why you cannot come up, but I'm with makeitstop5. Where are the volunteers to help out? if people feel the right to start criticizing you in loosely veiled ways, including on FB, and you feel like it, you could come right out and ask for anyone who can volunteer to help your poor, dear mother, to please step as her loving friends because as much as you desperately want to be there and help -- you're so worried! oh, my! -- it's not that you're too busy, it's that finances will not permit you're traveling right now (or work won't allow you time off, or whatever you want to say) even though you will travel just as soon work permits. And ask them to respond and post right there and right away if they can help because you how much they care. That should shut people up.

Longer term: A gentle bit of encouragement here to let go of the FOG, and to continue to work some more on healing so that you don't feel shame. You deserve all good things.

Peace and continuing healing for us all,

DogDancer

[MKG1015]

Thank you all for the replies, it's good to know that others know what it's like.

GeekyGirl-

Yes she is going to a rehab center once they release her from the hospital. I think that is best for everyone for a lot of reasons. The main one being if I take care of her she will refuse to do the rehab, in the center she does not have that option. 

DogDancer & makeitstop5-

You are both right, it is absolutely no one's business but, as I mentioned, it is still hard to weather all the criticism. I fielded the calls last night and did say to HER FATHER "Granpa if you are THAT worried about her then you need to go see her." Oh yeah he can't b/c they are flying back to Arizona from visiting his wife's grandchildren which was more important than his own daughter.I even said it respectfully if you can believe that! [side note: he is also the one that told me (and i quote) "she is your problem now" when they moved to AZ in 2001. Of course he is also part of the abuse that made her BPD... .  ] I also put a fb post up asking for prayers and good thoughts for her and cheering her on so hopefully that will quiet some of the grumbling.

Thank you all for your support! I didn't expect anyone to respond I just needed a place to vent all that emotion before I screamed and cried or broke something. Glad this board exists and that people out there care. 

[gcm]

WOW, can I relate. Just replace your BPDm and put in my BPDs and it is exactly the same. The guilt they put on us is so difficult and hard to understand  and feel.  She does this to me constantly and goes around telling anyone who will listen to her that I am the one who is neglectful, and a bad person for not "being there for her". Meanwhile, they forget all of the hurt they have caused, but the people they talk to have no idea what they are really like.

And I agree with you, this board is a blessing!  Hang in there.

[DreamGirl]

Hello my fellow guilt monger.  

I think that when we have a disordered soul in our lives, it's good to try and stay grounded. (Even the professionals who treat BPD will often have outside resources to help them stay grounded.)  

Your mom suffers from BPD. It's pretty typical what she's doing - trying to shame you into helping her (directly and indirectly). It's kinda how she rolls. Like the pwBPD in my life, today is all that matters. If I'm not helping her today - then I've "never" helped her.

I remind myself that it is OK that I'm not helping her today. If I can't, I can't. I'm not attached to her shaming techniques and I'm not going to let my own guilt-driven tendecies allow me to be. I still care about her and I'll help her when I can.  

It's hard not to take this stuff to heart - but I try to see it as something that is more about "her" then it is about "me". I am still a good person, even when she's trying to say I'm not. My value isn't attached to how she feels - whether I'm kind/generous/helpful/wonderful or I'm mean spirited/selfish/cruel/unworthy - because HER feelings are kinda based more on HER. My feelings are based on me - and I struggle when it comes to guilt (!) so it may not be completely on whoever may be involved in my feeling guilty. I have to own that my feelings are my feelings too.

I also try to remember in those moments the excerpt from Stop Walking on Eggshells that says "just because you feel manipulated, does not mean that it was the intent".

I had surgery recently - I wanted someone with me too, it was scary. Your mom is probably full of fear and is acting based on that - she wants you there to help her regulate all that because she doesn't know how to do that for herself. That would be a hard place to be.  

It's not your responsibility, even though you've been conditioned to think that it is. I hope that you can find balance in that while still remaining true to yourself.

I like GG's suggestion of coming up with a plan to visit her when you can.

Congratulations on the house by the way.  

[DogDancer]

Good for you, MKG1015!

You've made so many great, non-escalating moves in all this. Glad we could listen and cheer you on (including some righteous indignation on your behalf). It helps us, too, when we do. 

Oh, and as DreamGirl says, way to go on the new house. That's wonderful. A space of your own.

Peace and good healing progress!

DogDancer