Do ex's with BPD really think we deserve better or is it a copout

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When my soon to be exuBPD spouse was splitting me.  She told me I deserved someone who could love me the way I needed to be loved.  I gave my heart to her and she thinks I deserve better.  Is that true or is it just a copout?  Any comments - especially those that have BPD.  Still trying to make sence of it all.

[cal644]

When my soon to be exuBPD spouse was splitting me.  She told me I deserved someone who could love me the way I needed to be loved.  I gave my heart to her and she thinks I deserve better.  Is that true or is it just a copout?  Any comments - especially those that have BPD.  Still trying to make sence of it all.

[mssomebodynice]

My BPD told me this: "I am not capable of love... .  nor am I worthy of it.  It helps me that he told me this.  It helps me as I try to detach.  Perhaps it will give you some insight as well ? Hugs.

[waitaminute]

i was told the same thing. of course, i was told the opposite too.

but more often than not, there were statements that implied that if i really knew her, i would not want her.

she described herself as not very nice and weak and responsible for most of her problems. yes i heard the opposite of that too... .  nice, lovely, fun, a survivor, strong, intelligent, serious, yet a victim of others.

When I said goodbye, one day she acknowledged she was not a good lover, another day it was that I didn't reflect her wonderful light, then she was sorry for what she did to my life and asked forgiveness, followed by her statements of my injustice towards her and her sacrifices.

so, do we hold onto one self analysis and not the opposite other? As I understand this illness, these views are thrown on the table to meet the needs of the moment.  

[daintrovert13]

When my soon to be exuBPD spouse was splitting me.  She told me I deserved someone who could love me the way I needed to be loved.  I gave my heart to her and she thinks I deserve better.  Is that true or is it just a copout?  Any comments - especially those that have BPD.  Still trying to make sence of it all.

I think they mean it... sometime I wished my standards were low enough so she wouldn't have felt insufficient all the time. I think she started disliking the fact that I was able to remain faithful for the entire 5yrs. I think they mean it!

[waitaminute]

When my soon to be exuBPD spouse was splitting me.  She told me I deserved someone who could love me the way I needed to be loved.  I gave my heart to her and she thinks I deserve better.  Is that true or is it just a copout?  Any comments - especially those that have BPD.  Still trying to make sence of it all.

I think they mean it... sometime I wished my standards were low enough so she wouldn't have felt insufficient all the time. I think she started disliking the fact that I was able to remain faithful for the entire 5yrs. I think they mean it!

had you been as weak as she was ( regarding fidelity ) then she probably would have used that against you. Don't beat yourself up for not being at her level. It would not have mattered in a long term relationship. I do think they feel comfortable around others with low standards though.

[just me.]

In the process of mine leaving, she told me that I deserved better several times.  She said she knew she would always make me miserable, and that she couldn't bear to do that to me anymore.  She said something inside her couldn't handle relationships, and that she needed to be alone forever so that she could stop hurting people.  At one point she even said "I know it sounds cheesy, but you're like a caged bird that I need to set free."

In the midst of her telling me such things, she has also told me that she deserved so much better, and that I always made her miserable, and that she has zero respect for me, I am dead to her, and I will now suffer miserable and alone forever... .  which is exactly what I deserve.  Meanwhile she will be happy and in love with this new guy now that she's finally free of me.

Contradictory, maybe... ?


So... .  which is true?

Both.  And neither.


I don't think it was a "copout" when she told me that I deserved better.  She wasn't doing it to "let me down easy"... .  I think it's actually just what she believed at that moment.  In other moments, she believed the exact opposite.

Her reality is inconsistent, and her todays are endlessly filled with the challenge of making sense of her yesterdays.  Honestly, I came to believe that in the midst of it all she really didn't know why she was doing what she was doing.  I'd ask her for an explanation of how she could possibly throw away what she'd dedicated her adult life to building... .  how she could possibly hate the person that she absolutely adored less than a week earlier... .  how she could betray me and lie to me in all the ways that completely went against the type of person she wanted to be.  And when I asked, I felt the questions horrified her because she didn't have any answers... .  she didn't know why it was happening any more than I did... .  she just knew that it was happening, and that she was causing it, and therefore there must be a reason.

So I heard everything.  I heard it's because she actually is broken.  I heard that it's because I'm a narcissist.  I heard that she's crazy, and that I'm crazy, and that it's because she's terrible, or maybe because she's strong... .  or maybe it's all because one time six years ago I got frustrated because we missed our bus.

It's just like she's trying on different perspectives of reality like a healthy person might try on hats... .  just moving through them all until one kind of fits.  Their reality seems to exist on the other end of a kaleidoscope.  And it just spins all around.

I think they mean it all.

But none of it's really real.

[rogerroger]

I was told this kind of thing, too, but in the case of my BPDw, it was really code for "I want you to say 'don't be ridiculous, you know you are the one and only one for me.'"

[daintrovert13]

I was told this kind of thing, too, but in the case of my BPDw, it was really code for "I want you to say 'don't be ridiculous, you know you are the one and only one for me.'"

Correct.

My ex always asked me why I loved her so much.

She just didn't want to believe she was worthy of Love.

[cal644]

I still cant grasp how someone who hasn't been loved in their life can so easily disguard love when it is finally given to them.  Does love scare them or are they just scared that they can never show you the same love back?  I know looking back at the last 19 years I gave 10x the love I received - but I was ok with that.  How could my love not be loved or appreciated?

[Gaslit]

I think that it depends on the context. If they are feeling needy, it is to get you to tell them how awesome that they are.

If they did something wrong it is so you "fix" that for them by not holding them accountable.

If it is because they found the next new shiny object, it is to manipulate you to going away quietly all the while making them the "good person" even though they are actually discarding you for "new."

Whatever the context, it is manipulative.

[FindingMe2011]

   When my soon to be exuBPD spouse was splitting me.  She told me I deserved someone who could love me the way I needed to be loved.   

To hear this, or comments like these can lead to more hope, it gives intermittent feelings of validation, what I perceived as love,(and was her version of love) and understanding.  A quick retreat to the victim role, that had me run, to the rescuer position. It was a moment of clarity, that I could perceive as progress, but it was soon fleeting.  pwBPD do not have the tools, to navigate through the abandonment depression necessary to grow emotionally. The results, The Hamster Wheel of Pain.

   I gave my heart to her and she thinks I deserve better.   

Now just step away from your emotions for one second. Do you think, you deserved better? Even if its a small part of you, the answer would have to be yes. Understanding why you dont seek out healthier people, will show you a lot.

      Is that true or is it just a copout? 

On a subconscious level pwBPD, understand what works (our weaknesses) and will beat that drum, as much as needed to get what they need. My mother (NPD traits) and ex (BPD (w/NPD traits)) had a karpmans triangle, r/s consistently. My mother divulged a conversation, where my mother asked the ex, " Why do you always threaten divorce?".  Ex said,        " Because I end up, getting what I want" .

  I still cant grasp how someone who hasn't been loved in their life can so easily disguard love when it is finally given to them.  Does love scare them or are they just scared that they can never show you the same love back?  I know looking back at the last 19 years I gave 10x the love I received - but I was ok with that.  How could my love not be loved or appreciated?   

Read, read, and reread, is my advice to you. Look at the stages of grieving, your words imply that you are bouncing between denial, and bargaining. Look at the other stages of grieving. Keep posting and try to be aware of where you are in the process. Know you will bounce all over the place, with your emotions, and stages of grieving... .  I wish you well, PEACE   

[benny2]

I do believe they think that. I think they do have a consious and realize that they just cannot love you back the way you love them. Mine would always tell me I deserved better, that I was to good of a person. I believe that is why he told me to walk away from him, but I also believe that he had a replacement lined up.

[slimmiller]

I was told that too. "You deserve better" "go be with someone, any one but just not so and so... .  "  (Those she considered immoral and yet she was cheating on me) Flabbergasting to say the least.

My conclusion is that they do these mean things to us because in their world, thats life. Thats what their minds live. They set us free subconsciously so that we can really have what we deserve.

After all, you cant love that which does not love itself

[grad]

I was told the same thing too.  She seemed to know how to give me everything I needed at the time, even the breakup was necessary for me internally since I had never experienced what the feeling of love really was, until her.  Her excuse was I deserved more than she felt she could give me and that I could find better than her.  Yes, she had a replacement lined up and had mentioned him in the days before she left.  At first he was someone she used for convenience then became her escape from becoming more attached and vulnerable to me. 

[Traye]

Mine always said she couldn't give me what I needed... .  that she felt she was always falling short.  And that it broke her heart.

I think she meant it.  Just didn't know how to do any different.

[benny2]

Yes I think mine meant it too. They just don't know how to deal with love. Its so sad.

[goodguy]

I think that it depends on the context. If they are feeling needy, it is to get you to tell them how awesome that they are.

If they did something wrong it is so you "fix" that for them by not holding them accountable.

If it is because they found the next new shiny object, it is to manipulate you to going away quietly all the while making them the "good person" even though they are actually discarding you for "new."

Whatever the context, it is manipulative.

Ding ding ding, we have a winner. Its not 100%, but In my experience if you assume everything they do is to serve some manipulative purpose you're usually correct.

[grad]

I think that it depends on the context. If they are feeling needy, it is to get you to tell them how awesome that they are.

If they did something wrong it is so you "fix" that for them by not holding them accountable.

If it is because they found the next new shiny object, it is to manipulate you to going away quietly all the while making them the "good person" even though they are actually discarding you for "new."

Whatever the context, it is manipulative.

When they find a new shiny object, it isn't necessarily manipulation but rather an excuse they give for when they lose interest and need to start over.  Finding out why they lost interest is the key you may never know

[tailspin]

 

My ex told me I deserved better.  He also told me: our relationship wasn't healthy, I was mentally ill, he needed a break, he needed to find himself, he didn't want the responsibility of a relationship, we were going nowhere, he wanted to move away, and that he wanted to find "the one." 

The excuse doesn't matter as long as it works.  It becomes an issue of escape for them and whatever words they can string together to get us out of their lives becomes their salvation. 

We can get hung up on the words they said but it's helpful to focus on what they did.  Focusing on their actions makes their words less credible and puts the entire relationship into perspective. 

tailspin

[cal644]

Finding me - what you said about do I think I deserve better... .  the answer probably has to be ... yes ... a part of me has always felt that.  I always asked my wife do you love me? ye~_ Do you really love me? I said the answer was yes.  I don't know if I ever beleived she fully loved me.  Also once when we were in vegas with some friends they asked if either of us would marry agin if the other died.  My wife's answer - Never... .  My answer ... .  yes ... .  I will find true love and have a big party.  We were drinking at the time and what I meant is yes because I know what love is... .  but truly in my heart I felt that I could marry again to someone who could love me the way I loved and who apprecited the love I gave.  Maybe subconscienly I knew that I too wanted more.

[wb1233]

My uBPDexgf said she now knew what she wanted and what she deserved. She told me she "wants to be rescued if she needed it or not". That she "wants to be spoiled whether she deserved it or not." I know this isn't normal thinking right?

[FindingMe2011]

   Maybe subconsciously I knew that I too wanted more.   

Actually, its the other way around. Consciously, you understand this. Subconsciously, you understand the type of love PDs' produce. You may not like it, but you instinctively know how to survive in it, and understand it. here in lies the conflict... .  Failure to understand your subconscious, will get you more of the same.

[TheDude]

My uBPDexgf said she now knew what she wanted and what she deserved. She told me she "wants to be rescued if she needed it or not". That she "wants to be spoiled whether she deserved it or not." I know this isn't normal thinking right?

Mine told me, during recycle #2 or 3 (I lost count), that she, "didn't want someone to take care of her, but to know that someone wanted to".

I still don't know what that means. 

[daintrovert13]

Its so surreal how every response sounds just like my ex. Unbelievable.

[FindingMe2011]

My uBPDexgf said she now knew what she wanted and what she deserved. She told me she "wants to be rescued if she needed it or not". That she "wants to be spoiled whether she deserved it or not." I know this isn't normal thinking right?

Mine told me, during recycle #2 or 3 (I lost count), that she, "didn't want someone to take care of her, but to know that someone wanted to".

I still don't know what that means. 

Hmm, Trying to fit logic, into disordered, doesnt work very well, but here's a shot... .  

The top one is interesting. She wants the world to change, to fit her needs, and makes no attempt to conceal this.( little on the NPD side) A continuous flow of positive emotions. An attempt to fill her hole-riddled, emotional bucket. Those that attempt, have only one possible outcome... .  failure. Is it normal?

The second one, is very typical. To know someone longs for her, probably allows her to ruminate. To have someone there for her, that will not make her responsible for her actions, and if something becomes too much, some one will come and clean up the mess... .  The "love" model r/s, with those that have PDs', is dysfunctional by nature,... .  unconditional love, Romeo and Juliet, many Disney movies, are very good examples, of enmeshment, and in the real world, the participants frequently loose track of where they start and end, in the r/s. Very little, emotionally, is established, because in reality, both of the participants are, too a large degree, emotionally unavailable. (sobering to admit, that this was me)... .  Keep reading until you believe what you read, 3, 4, 5, times, what ever it takes... .  There is an order, to all disorder, and when we stop becoming so shocked, from others behavior, and able to sit beside our own emotions, one can see this, fairly easily. The hard part is looking at our own behavior, and learning new ways, to make change... .  change is hard... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[mitchell16]

yes, over the last 2 years I have heard,

Why do you love me so much?

You deserve better.

you cant fix me Im to broken.

Im afraid all my crazyness is making you misrable.

and at the last it was I cant do a relationship and we should be getting married but she didnt want to. and she was telling me I was perfect in everyway and she loved me to much to keep doing me this way and it was ll her fault. Of course when we wnet to the therapist it was again everything I was doing which caused the problems. And after she told me all that she would go NC for 5 to 10 days and then the late night texts and phone calls would start.

[cal644]

So interesting - again I heard I love you so much that I cannot bring all my issues on you (but then when i bring up her issues her repy was what issues you have the issues) I also heard you deserve better (her reply the next day - your already trying to date and sleep with all these other women - not true) I also heard I love you with all my heart (the next day I havn't loved you and resented you for years) the list goes on and on - but again in the end it is ALWAYS my fault!

[FindingMe2011]

yes, over the last 2 years I have heard,

Why do you love me so much?

You deserve better.

you cant fix me Im to broken.

Im afraid all my crazyness is making you misrable.

and at the last it was I cant do a relationship and we should be getting married but she didnt want to. and she was telling me I was perfect in everyway and she loved me to much to keep doing me this way and it was ll her fault. Of course when we wnet to the therapist it was again everything I was doing which caused the problems. And after she told me all that she would go NC for 5 to 10 days and then the late night texts and phone calls would start.

   In some ways, she understood you, better than you did yourself, would you not agree?... .  It appears the visits to the therapists, were too much for her, throwing her right back into survival mode. I never heard sorry, or admitting to very much. Just retreats to the bedroom, for hours at times, days on some occasions.  In 12 1/2 yrs, i watched the ex, attempt to fix herself many times. I see now, I was asking a person to do something, they were not capable of doing. At the very least, something she obviously didnt want to do, or seek knowledge on her own, to understand how to do it... .  Feel grateful, you have that ability... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[cal644]

Finding me - you always have so many good comments.  I too can't tell you how often my spouse would disappear to the bedroom - throughout the years she would see a theropist for 1-2 months then quit (thinking she had conquered her demons from her past) - looking back I know whe just put a bandaid on to stop the external bleeding - but she never stopped the internal bleeding - so when the bandaid fell off or wore out she had to get another quick patch - over and over probably 5 times in 19 years.

[FindingMe2011]

So interesting - again I heard I love you so much that I cannot bring all my issues on you (but then when i bring up her issues her reply was, what issues, you have the issues) I also heard you deserve better (her reply the next day - your already trying to date and sleep with all these other women - not true) I also heard I love you with all my heart (the next day I havn't loved you and resented you for years) the list goes on and on

gas-lighting, projection, distortion, splitting, distortion, ect., ect., its all very real, and interesting. Typical behavior of young children, and how everyone relates to this type of behavior.

 but again in the end it is ALWAYS my fault!  

Although you didnt like these feelings. You do know them from your past, and you understand how to survive in them, there was a comfort zone, to some degree. Unjustly, you believe this, on a deeper level... .  I wish you well, PEACE