Back here. Oy Vey...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

What have I learned?

1)  I do not know yet, what I am capable of living with

2)  The more I learn can put me back to undecided

3)  Hope dies hard

4)  I have got to quit announcing I have made my decision "for good" until I heal more, and my beliefs match my emotions for a longer period of time than five minutes or one day or three days.  for how long?  don't know - but I will let you know when you hear me say "for good" again   

5)  The only way to heal is to focus on myself.  While this may at times require understanding my (separated) wife and her disorder and recalling past experiences with her and what are her good and bad capabilities, the over-arching focus has to remain on me - how do I heal, how much have I healed, can I stand on my values, what can I expect, what do I need?  Heck, I need these same questions answered independent of her 'first', then in the context of a possible r/s

Time heals all wounds? - only with self-honesty, harsh acceptance of reality  (and just figuring out what reality is, is a bear), discernment, wisdom, support, and real work

BPDw tells me not to send her money when i have bills to pay - that she has food and if low on food has other means, friends.  whether we are together in the future or not, she wants me to work on me and my future.  yes, it could be mirroring, keeping the backup plan in place, whatever.  at least i am listening with a wiser ear, a wiser mind.  what if this is only the truth as she feels in this moment?  what does that mean?  did she just obtain money so this isnt an issue for her in this moment?  oy vey.

will i be able to stand on my values, stay emotionally independent, regardless of the pressures i feel without her as my s/o?  if i am alone?  if i am with someone else?  then, what about with her?  it is easy when she is supportive, but i know the support gets withdrawn and reversed.

so, it is 'all' about me after all, isn't it?

sigh.  mixed feelings.  mixed thoughts.  mixed up.  need to focus on work - going to be a bear today.

I do know I am healthier, more knowledgeable, more emotionally stable, at least a tiny bit more emotionally independent, higher self-esteem, less depressed, more clear minded than I was 6 months ago.  And I am continuing in the right direction.  That is a start.

[morningagain]

What have I learned?

1)  I do not know yet, what I am capable of living with

2)  The more I learn can put me back to undecided

3)  Hope dies hard

4)  I have got to quit announcing I have made my decision "for good" until I heal more, and my beliefs match my emotions for a longer period of time than five minutes or one day or three days.  for how long?  don't know - but I will let you know when you hear me say "for good" again   

5)  The only way to heal is to focus on myself.  While this may at times require understanding my (separated) wife and her disorder and recalling past experiences with her and what are her good and bad capabilities, the over-arching focus has to remain on me - how do I heal, how much have I healed, can I stand on my values, what can I expect, what do I need?  Heck, I need these same questions answered independent of her 'first', then in the context of a possible r/s

Time heals all wounds? - only with self-honesty, harsh acceptance of reality  (and just figuring out what reality is, is a bear), discernment, wisdom, support, and real work

BPDw tells me not to send her money when i have bills to pay - that she has food and if low on food has other means, friends.  whether we are together in the future or not, she wants me to work on me and my future.  yes, it could be mirroring, keeping the backup plan in place, whatever.  at least i am listening with a wiser ear, a wiser mind.  what if this is only the truth as she feels in this moment?  what does that mean?  did she just obtain money so this isnt an issue for her in this moment?  oy vey.

will i be able to stand on my values, stay emotionally independent, regardless of the pressures i feel without her as my s/o?  if i am alone?  if i am with someone else?  then, what about with her?  it is easy when she is supportive, but i know the support gets withdrawn and reversed.

so, it is 'all' about me after all, isn't it?

sigh.  mixed feelings.  mixed thoughts.  mixed up.  need to focus on work - going to be a bear today.

I do know I am healthier, more knowledgeable, more emotionally stable, at least a tiny bit more emotionally independent, higher self-esteem, less depressed, more clear minded than I was 6 months ago.  And I am continuing in the right direction.  That is a start.

[elemental]

Focusing on your own self and life right now while you process is a good thing.

No, it doesn't resolve your issues immediately with your wife, but it gives you time to heal, calm down, and consider a way forward.

I think we all cycle back and forth on these things. I am on the staying board, but there are times like the last few days where I realized I have gone as far as I can for the time being with trying to rope my BPD into actively helping the situation. He is very passive about it, blames me for it all ( at least on the surface) and there is nothing to do but let time pass.

Time passes, you have slow deep shifts on inner levels. Then one day you know.

You are doin great even though you may feel very unsettled. It's part of the process.

[morningagain]

thanks elemental

I have tried very hard not to put expectations on her.  At least I do not bring up the topic of reconciliation.  The first time she asked, I responded by asking her what would be different.  Since then I do try to focus on holding my boundaries with some success (but she is not pressuring me much, either - little insight here is I am beginning to realize how much pressure I put on myself and even object if she relents or suggests a more mature choice - that is to say I WANT to feel better by giving her something that is irresponsible for me to give her)

I do suggest healthier choices she might make with some issues she has presented, and I do not offer to solve her problems for her.  One exception - I offered to send her money when I have some spare cash.  This morning she told me not to - to pay bills first, but she thanked me for the offer.  That whether we are together or not in the future, I need to build my future.

She could be mirroring and probably is - that intuitive figuring out of what I want to hear from her and saying that.  Her subconscious and/or conscious motivation for the backup plan.  It could also be how she feels and she is telling the truth regarding her feelings.  It could be that this reflects her core values buried so often underneath her disorder.  It could be all of the above.  It could be an out and out manipulation to insure current support of car insurance, health care costs covered and for a delay in my filing for divorce and the potential for losing that.  Again, it could be all of the above.

The best I can do is just bring it back around to me.  Regardless of the future, I have to be healthy, productive, have the strength to live by and stand with my values while living alone, first.  Until then, there really is no decision to make regarding a possible future r/s with my wife.  In that regard, I am at peace today being decidedly undecided.