I just realized

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It is interesting how much time we spend trying to understand or make sense of the things they say, did or do. I am as guilty as anyone, but does it make any difference. Maybe we need to reframe the question about why I picked someone like that? Why I did not have proper boundaries? Why I missed someone that lied, cheated and stole from me?

I know it is really hard, but when it get's done to it, who cares what they think or do? Isn't it more important to think about me and what I need, what I need to learn, what I really want in my life. It seems like those questions are way more important than trying to figure out what another person thinks or does. Their behavioris their behavior and if it matches with wht I want then it is a good thing.

I am now dating a woman who has her issues, but not pd. I communicate clearly where I am and I want and need. she can either communicate how she feels and we work through the issue with love and respect. I no longer will put up with someone who is damaged, and emotionally immature. I can have compassion for them, but I don't have enough time left to wait for them to address their issues so I can have a healthy relationship.

I know it is a process to get through the questions about them to get to the questions about us, but it really is way more interesting and rewarding, because I can work on changing the things about me that need changing. Trying to change another person is really the definition of insanity and I spent way too many years doing just that and I refuse to spend another second being insane... .  at least on that issue.

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

It is interesting how much time we spend trying to understand or make sense of the things they say, did or do. I am as guilty as anyone, but does it make any difference. Maybe we need to reframe the question about why I picked someone like that? Why I did not have proper boundaries? Why I missed someone that lied, cheated and stole from me?

I know it is really hard, but when it get's done to it, who cares what they think or do? Isn't it more important to think about me and what I need, what I need to learn, what I really want in my life. It seems like those questions are way more important than trying to figure out what another person thinks or does. Their behavioris their behavior and if it matches with wht I want then it is a good thing.

I am now dating a woman who has her issues, but not pd. I communicate clearly where I am and I want and need. she can either communicate how she feels and we work through the issue with love and respect. I no longer will put up with someone who is damaged, and emotionally immature. I can have compassion for them, but I don't have enough time left to wait for them to address their issues so I can have a healthy relationship.

I know it is a process to get through the questions about them to get to the questions about us, but it really is way more interesting and rewarding, because I can work on changing the things about me that need changing. Trying to change another person is really the definition of insanity and I spent way too many years doing just that and I refuse to spend another second being insane... .  at least on that issue.

[Lost_husband]

Amen!

I am about one day new to this site.  And I feel the same way you do.  I am just starting on my jorney to likely leave after a ten year fight.  I am tired of waiting for her to get with the program.  To "get used" to living a normal lifestyle. 

Thanks

[happiness68]

Ex-Vamp-Slayer - good point.  However, you can't change someone else.  They have to want to change.  What you have to remember too is that the reason we've all put up with the BPD behaviour is a mix of our loving them, wanting to help, being good people ourselves, plus perhaps a little nurturing we feel we want to do where we lack something in ourselves.  I don't believe this to be a bad thing, nor do I think it's a big thing. I think that's all we're guilty of. 

You're right however about us concentrating on why these things happened.  I do like to understand things however to enable me to move on.  Always have.

[trevjim]

I got with/stayed with mine because she was sexy 'out my league' she was a damsel in distress at the time and that played on my 'hero' side, she mirrowed me and idolized me so i felt on top of the world, the sex was incredible, i feel in love, i cared about her