Will pwBPD ever regret?

[trevjim]

Most of us on here, feel we were really good for our exBPD, and that they dont know what they have let go. Maybe its true, maybe its not.

But for arguments sake lets say we were the best thing to ever happen to them. Will the pwBPD look back, either in time or at the break up of their current relationship and think 'wow i shouldnt of let him/her go? or is this not how they see things?

[hithere]

Will the pwBPD look back, either in time or at the break up of their current relationship and think 'wow i shouldnt of let him/her go? or is this not how they see things?

I think they have fleeting moments of regret but then they protect themselves by forgetting about them.

I think they would lose all sanity if they ever faced how truly terrible they were, so their brain protects itself by moving on quickly and forgetting the regret.

[tailspin]

 

One of the last things my ex said to me was "I hope everything wasn't horrible."  He knew my life was a living nightmare but stopped short of apologizing for his role.  I think this was the best he could do... .  hoping that everything wasn't horrible.  Hithere is right; they stop short of taking responsibility due to their intense shame.  It's so much easier to forget.

This thought kept me stuck for a long time... .  wondering why he could let go of the best thing that ever happened to him.  It stems from the list of 10 beliefs that get us stuck:

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits.

Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

tailspin

[KellyO]

When my ex dumped me for the second time, he send me one message after that: I'm sorry I have been so demanding. I still don't know what  moment he had there. But regret? After every break up he has turned things so that what ever he did, what ever happened, I was the cause of it. Why would he miss that? To miss me, he would have to admit he has done something that makes himself suffer too. I have seen how his "rationalize and justify"-machine works. It is flawless. If he does a murder, he is sure the victim made him do it. Actually, the victim asked for it!

[cal644]

I agree with the fear , resentment, shame building for years... .  when my BPDw and I split one of the things that shocked me the most is when she said I haven't loved u and resented you the last two years... .  Ouch... .  she resented stuff from 15 years ago that she still held onto

[trevjim]

I agree with the fear , resentment, shame building for years... .  when my BPDw and I split one of the things that shocked me the most is when she said I haven't loved u and resented you the last two years... .  Ouch... .  she resented stuff from 15 years ago that she still held onto

Mine said she hadnt loved me for the last few months of our R/S, She certainly seemed like she did with her actions, i guess it was either true or she was trying to make herself believe that so that she wouldnt feel so guilty moving on so quick

[cal644]

I ask myself that same question.  Everyone can't believe the husband and family she is throwing away... .  so many people have said she will never find a husband who treated her as good as I did.  I believe that too... .  but will she ever regret it... .  idk... .  since I am so black right now she can't or doesn't want to remember all the good 99%. Will I have regrets... .  Idk... .  but I pray that I will find the love that I have always looked for that she couldn't provide.

[momtara]

I think they do.  I know that mine has moments of clarity.  Other times, no. 

When I first left him, he was furious at me.  It was only after months of me avoiding him during our separation that he started to talk to me rationally.  I carefully pointed out some of the problems, and he admitted they were problems.  When I still couldn't bring myself to get back with him, he started apologizing for specific incidents and thanking me for certain things I'd done that he never acknowledged.

Then he actually called me and thanked me for trying so hard with him.  Could have been ~, but it was nice.

I do think they will have regrets.  But it takes something extreme, sometimes a new relationship that ends for the same reason yours did.

So yes, I think they have regrets, either in time, or sooner than you think!

[GustheDog]

Will they regret?  Perhaps, but never in the same way we might "regret" something.  A few considerations come to mind:

(1) They haven't developed the same sense of past, present, and future that we have.  They live in the moment, and can perceive only "right now!"  So, perhaps, down the line, they might have pangs of loneliness and think of us, "regretting" that we're no longer in their lives.

(2) But this "regret" won't be based on the idea that they were foolish to have let go of someone with our distinct qualities as stand-up, accomplished, brilliant, caring, thoughtful, highly-desirable people.  It will instead be based on their self-centered neediness and the lack of anyone to satiate that need at some given moment in time.

(3) Any such "regret" will be short-lived, shallow, and fleeting, as they turn to repression, dissociation, substance abuse, promiscuity, or any number of their other maladaptive coping mechanisms of choice to quell their tormenting anxieties.

I, on the other hand, very much regret losing my mid-twenties, many thousands of dollars, my self-respect, my confidence, my hobbies, my friends, my sleep, my own sanity, and nearly my job.  I can learn from this experience - my ex, unfortunately, cannot.

[trouble11]

Gus ... .  Just wanted to say ... .  I LOVE YOUR POSTS.  It's getting close to recycle time here and when it happens I know all I'll have to do is read a slew of your posts and I will be fine with ignoring him, or at least, kindly dismissing him.  Thank you.  Keep up the good work.   

[morningagain]

Will my dBPDwife ever regret?  Yes, yes, and yes.  Many times.

Will my dBPDwife ever not regret at all?   Yes, yes, and yes.  Many times.

Regret is an emotion driven by loss and/or guilt.  My wife experiences guilt, and her handling of guilt is terribly disordered and fuels furiously her disorder.

My observation of her uNPD mother?  I never once witnessed regret.  I never once witnessed expressions of guilt.  Because of their close (and explosively disordered) relationship, I did spend a lot of time around my mother-in-law.  In many situations.  But not even close to the time I spent with my wife.

So, in my very unique and individual experience, the presence vs. absence of guilt sure does appear to be a fundamental difference between the disorders.

The most prevalent similarity between the two of them is that they both perpetually were instigating and joining drama triangles - there seemed never a time that they each did not have multiple triangles going, they would cast their starting role as the victim or rescuer.  They are forever drawn to each other no matter the past warfare between the two because each has a willing, even eager, 'rescuer' or 'victim', as needed, just a phone call away.  ROFL - sorry, but I just have to laugh at myself.  I became so enmeshed - as much as I loved being the rescuer, how I threw myself into the victim role (uh... .  like anytime someone painted me as the persecutor).  Now, what man here finds it easy to call himself such a willing victim?  OUCH!  

Sucks being me!  (ironic humor - ROFLOFLOFL - sorry - amusing myself at my expense)   Any women wanna rescue me?     LOLOLOL! I gotta stop this! sorry folks - back to being a little more serious

I sure did start out happy as the rescuer.  Ended as perpetually the persecutor from their point of view, the victim from my point of view

If there is one piece of knowledge I wish I would have had prior to meeting my wife, it would be knowledge of the Karpman Drama Triangle.  A millions times over any knowledge of PD's.  Just the Triangle.

Well - I see and admit my role, now.  I could have stepped out of my role(s).  I didn't.  I am a victim no more.  At least I am trying!  

[GustheDog]

Regret is an emotion driven by loss and/or guilt.  My wife experiences guilt, and her handling of guilt is terribly disordered and fuels furiously her disorder.

I would suggest that remorse is driven by guilt, less so regret.  Regret could be driven by shame or any other feeling that one has deprived him/herself of something "good" as a result of earlier poor decision-making.

My point is merely that any "regret" a BPD experiences will probably be grounded in selfishness, and not on a genuine and healthy regard for the effect that their behavior has had on others.  The latter would illustrate guilt.

I don't think pwBPD can experience guilt, or at least not very well.  Could it be that you're mistaking her shame for guilt?  They probably appear similarly externally.

[morningagain]

Regret is an emotion driven by loss and/or guilt.  My wife experiences guilt, and her handling of guilt is terribly disordered and fuels furiously her disorder.

I would suggest that remorse is driven by guilt, less so regret.  Regret could be driven by shame or any other feeling that one has deprived him/herself of something "good" as a result of earlier poor decision-making.

My point is merely that any "regret" a BPD experiences will probably be grounded in selfishness, and not on a genuine and healthy regard for the effect that their behavior has had on others.  The latter would illustrate guilt.

I don't think pwBPD can experience guilt, or at least not very well.  Could it be that you're mistaking her shame for guilt?  They probably appear similarly externally.

gus,

no, no mistake.  deep, extreme guilt.  and absolute regret and remorse and attempts to repent and make right.  tears and depression at hurting someone else.  repentance efforts with great care and thought and sacrifice.  any perceived rejection of those efforts would result in a flipping of her attitude toward the person to anger and blame - hence a disordered response - wrapping up her guilt and her responsibility of causing that pain in blame.

if she hurt by accident or neglect or thoughtlessness an animal, a small child, someone with alzheimer's - even if she truly had no fault or if she did have fault - their subsequent rejection would not trigger her - she wold not take that personally.  she could discern in those cases there was no intent, thus no harm to her emotions.

you could always construct an argument of "enlightened self-interest" to theorize she does not experience guilt, and those behaviors we associate with guilt were learned as serving her self-interest, and that because of my lens through which I see, I am 'blinded'.  But nevertheless, yep - extreme, deep, recurring guilt that she fights furiously to cope with - never ending cycle because of her behaviors, extreme emotional pain she feels from any source including her guilt - it is a twisted up, horrible, sad inner life she leads.  she has to cope some way, she has to survive, she does it the wrong way, at times she knows it, tries and retreats, therapy then stop therapy and retreat, admission of guilt then blame if i express too much hurt.  then admissions of guilt were less frequent and less frequent.  she learned i caused her pain by my hurt reaction that she could not handle if she confessed.

as i said, her mother never admitted guilt.  difference, in my opinion, between NPD and BPD.

[Cmjo]

I think they do.  I know that mine has moments of clarity.  Other times, no. 

When I first left him, he was furious at me.  It was only after months of me avoiding him during our separation that he started to talk to me rationally.  I carefully pointed out some of the problems, and he admitted they were problems.  When I still couldn't bring myself to get back with him, he started apologizing for specific incidents and thanking me for certain things I'd done that he never acknowledged.

Then he actually called me and thanked me for trying so hard with him.  Could have been recycleing, but it was nice.

I do think they will have regrets.  But it takes something extreme, sometimes a new relationship that ends for the same reason yours did.

So yes, I think they have regrets, either in time, or sooner than you think!

Hello Momtara,

I left my uBPD partner three months ago. There have been short moments of his despair and crying. Mostky he has been so anrgy, interspersed with periods of being nice, then turning angry when he realises nice isnt enough to make me go back, then saying I am not going back because I never loved him or I think I am better than him.

I am sure he feels regret and guilt on and off, like a child does after being naughty and realising they should not have, but then gets distracted and carries on playing... .  

I would have maybe given him another chance if he had tried to convince me that he could get therapy and change, but instead he has been angry and abusive and threatening and destructive. he has put nails in his own coffin. But maybe that is the plan, he is actually relieved it is over because he can find someone else and be happy for a few years and drown out the problems. I learnt a lesson from this board to stop responding to abusive messages, and will take a lesson from you to leave him alone for a few months... .  

[charred]

Haven't seen any regret from my pwBPD. She dumped me long ago, then came back about 4 yrs ago and led me to get a divorce, and has made it hard to move on. I went to LC not long ago (from NC) and found out she had taken up with another guy, got an STD and had surgery for it. She wanted sympathy from me... .  after she stood me up from us moving in together. So today she wants to chat online, and is real cold/detached, I look and she has blocked me on her FB account, ask why, and she says I was being horrible to her over the weekend.

I told her I didn't want to talk over the weekend, that I had plans with my daughter. So she sent angry texts saturday morning, and they escalated over weekend till Sunday night. I chat with her and she doesn't say anthing and is real curt. Monday she seems normal, then today she tells me she is mad over how I was this weekend, that I was disrespecting her by refusing to talk to her in front of my daughter (who is 12 and knows she is the "other woman" that caused the divorce of her parents... a rather traumatic event for her... .  and I am not dating the pwBPD... .  and don't want to upset my daughter again for no reason)... .  and that I was being a jerk and that she went out with yet another guy monday night and he bought her flowers and was nice and she is going out again this weekend. ... .  so I sent back a reply about "shouldn't you let the surgery from your last STD heal before you move on to the next one?"... .  and things turned NC pretty quick after that.

I have no doubt that a pwBPD has regrets... .  she did about catching an STD and it costing her money for treatment. She not only didn't have regrets about being unfaithful to me (once again) but came to me for sympathy after the fact, and tried to say I was not being truthful in dealing with my daughter. Well... being 100% truthful with her about my take on her getting an STD, didn't sit well, and she told me I was cruel and heartless. I hope she regretted something from our exchange today... .  I am getting fed up with baseless accusations, an act of being quite moral, and a reality of being absolutlely amoral and without empathy for anyone. My pwBPD reminds me of Jodi Arias... so much I just want to distance myself from her and truly be done with it. Anyone that wonders what BPD can be like should follow that trial... its deja vu.  :)O you think Jodi has regrets? Other than being prosecuted for it?

[KellyO]

(2) But this "regret" won't be based on the idea that they were foolish to have let go of someone with our distinct qualities as stand-up, accomplished, brilliant, caring, thoughtful, highly-desirable people.  It will instead be based on their self-centered neediness and the lack of anyone to satiate that need at some given moment in time

This, exactly this. I can say after two years I know my exBF, and I know him well. I have spent so much time trying to understand what the "France" is wrong with him. He knows me to, he knows how to manipulate me to give him whatever he wants. But he has no idea who I am, as a person and human being, and it does not interest him, never did. It is not like he did not see my needs, or hear them, he made an effort to show he will piss on them if he wants to.

[Leaf]

My BPDxbf does bitterly regret most of his past break-ups, including losing me and what we had, but he doesn't seem to regret his role in it at all. He once told me an ex-girfriend finally broke up with him because he had called her a stupid cow but that there had been nothing wrong with that comment because she had been acting like a stupid cow.

Another ex-girlfriend went NC with him because she "thought" he had been unfaithful (his words, I take it this means: she can't have found out, so it's not true!) and he really missed not having been able to talk to her about it. I recently found out what "talking" would have been all about: rewriting the story so he wasn't the one to blame.

His being unfaithful was also one of the reasons I broke up with him. I did give him a chance to talk about it. He first denied it and when he realized I had proof he said it wasn't important and I should get past it. He never expressed any regrets. Later he seemed to be very happy with himself when he came up with a rationalization that made him the hero instead of the villain. He told me that he had stopped seeing several "great women" for me, so he really made a sacrifice for me. (He talks about it as if he was seeing other people when we first met, but the last instance I have proof of was when we were together for almost a year.) He said I hadn't made such sacrifices for us, I just ran into him and stayed with him. So his sleeping around shows he is the one that was really committed to this relationship. Well... .  

Leaf

[cal644]

My soon to be ex uBPDw also had an emotional affair and denied, denied, denied, lied, lied, lied - even when comming forward with proof then she said I have always been honest with you - - only when I showed her the proof.  When I was suffering two days after finding out she told me just get over it, it's nothing, why can't you just let it go? - I was being chewed out for having emotions over her affair.  They do rewrite everything (past, present, and future) to fit their needs and wants.  Does she regret it? Evidentially not yet - the only thing she regrets is that she has to live with her sister and money is tight.  Does she regret the last 19 years being thrown away?  Not yet - maybe one day - but at this time it's all about her being happy and letting me know how horrible I am for filing since she lied, refused to get help, or quit texting him.