Does an expwBPD ever miss us or have things remind them of us?

[trevjim]

For example, I am reminded of her if i see a bench we once sat on, a song we both liked, a place we went together... .  you get the idea.

Do they not experiance the same reminders? do they miss the good times with us?

[Tormenta]

Hi!

Good question, I wonder the same!

Because sometimes, during our "friendship times" I mentioned a trip that we did together or a wonderful day together and there is no emotion on his voice or face or eyes. It´s just: "yeah, I remember". Wow. :'(

[seeking balance]

sure - why wouldn't they based on what you understand about the criteria?

[trevjim]

sure - why wouldn't they based on what you understand about the criteria?

because from what i understand, Is that they split us black because they cant face the grieving of the break up and their part in it, would missing us not bring up these feelings they cant face?

[seeking balance]

sure - why wouldn't they based on what you understand about the criteria?

because from what i understand, Is that they split us black because they cant face the grieving of the break up and their part in it, would missing us not bring up these feelings they cant face?

ok - let me see if I can clear this up a bit.

Painting black is a coping mechanisms - maladaptive since we know that pwBPD feel things in extremes.  It happens perhaps in a moment of shame, a moment of fear - but only because we have become their trigger.  How did we become the trigger?  Because they became very attached to us.

Keep in mind, there are many times pwBPD have extreme feelings - you likely had no idea of everything going on under the surface.

They might miss you and even call you - nons here think sometimes that means they want us back... .  what it often means is in that moment they missed us.

What inside you prompts the question of how your pwBPD felt?  Are you wondering what was real or if you mattered?

[trevjim]

sure - why wouldn't they based on what you understand about the criteria?

because from what i understand, Is that they split us black because they cant face the grieving of the break up and their part in it, would missing us not bring up these feelings they cant face?

ok - let me see if I can clear this up a bit.

Painting black is a coping mechanisms - maladaptive since we know that pwBPD feel things in extremes.  It happens perhaps in a moment of shame, a moment of fear - but only because we have become their trigger.  How did we become the trigger?  Because they became very attached to us.

Keep in mind, there are many times pwBPD have extreme feelings - you likely had no idea of everything going on under the surface.

They might miss you and even call you - nons here think sometimes that means they want us back... .  what it often means is in that moment they missed us.

What inside you prompts the question of how your pwBPD felt?  Are you wondering what was real or if you mattered?

Ok thank you that makes sense. I guess I'm just trying to understand as much as I can as I find the more I am understanding about BPD the easier I'm finding it to move on

[Tormenta]

Seeking balance,

I don´t understand why you are asking that, sorry, I am lost hehe 

In my case, I wonder about this because the times that we went back together, I felt that it was not because he was remembering me the same way as I did, he came back when he was lonely and looking for a friend to share some hobbies then we started to enjoy things together again, I mean, I don´t know what´s inside his mind and I want to know, I wish I knew, just wondering and guessing - 

[seeking balance]

Ok thank you that makes sense. I guess I'm just trying to understand as much as I can as I find the more I am understanding about BPD the easier I'm finding it to move on

understanding BPD helped me detach also - I still had to grieve, but it helped me depersonalize it a bit.

The articles are really good - a lot of the information on the message boards can get confusing or be a bit wrong - the articles and workshops are the facts. 

Focus on the facts - pwBPD emotions are very fragile and extreme... .  as such, they have developed maladaptive coping mechanisms to function.  These mechanisms can violate our boundaries and values, which is what seems so confusing.

Did you notice inconsistent actions and words - for no real reason that you could discern?  Yet on a different day, this person seems like the most generous, genuine person - the inconsistencies can be crazy making - at least they were for me.

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance,

I don´t understand why you are asking that, sorry, I am lost hehe 

In my case, I wonder about this because the times that we went back together, I felt that it was not because he was remembering me the same way as I did, he came back when he was lonely and looking for a friend to share some hobbies then we started to enjoy things together again, I mean, I don´t know what´s inside his mind and I want to know, I wish I knew, just wondering and guessing - 

well, nobody knows what is inside someone else's mind.  Our best guess is by actions/words matching - and that just doesn't happen at times with a BPD.

Looking at the criteria - an unstable sense of self.  Often pwBPD get this stability by mirroring.

Many times people break up and make up out of sheer loneliness - this is not a BPD trait in and of itself actually.  We see many nons on these boards get into new relationships or go back simply due to loneliness.  Learning to be ok alone is really something that I worked on after my BPD relationship.

[TheDude]

Does an expwBPD ever miss us or have things remind them of us?

Absolutely.

What's different for them is the intricate labyrinth of coping/defense/avoidance mechanisms.

I try not to think about what she's thinking. 

[Robbz]

I wondered this today and reading through this thread still unsure on this. If they have you painted black, and the song you and your ex comes on I know how it hits me. But when they hear it does a good memory/thought enter their mind past the thoughts of you being a monster? Meaning can good thoughts and memories slip past their maladaptive coping defense system? Does their defense systems wear down over time or lessen as they enter weaker relationships? Or does the object constancy lessen the power of the thoughts/memories they even have left?

[SarahinMA]

I remember asking my ex, months after he broke up with me, if he missed me at all.  He was able to just cut off and never look back.  His answer: "You know I have".  He couldn't say "yes".  I'm not sure if he meant it or not, because he also admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear. 

I DO know that he stopped going to all the restaurants and bars that we went to together- I'd like to believe that they initiated sad memories for him, but who knows.  Maybe he was just scared to run into me. 

[jaird]

I'd have to say they do. I know with mine, we were so compatible, so much alike, and so good when we were together in person (long distance relationship).

I know at the end she said she would never let another man get as close to her as I did, and that she would always love me forever, but that we could not be together because of a "power struggle". I told her I did not understand what this power struggle was, but that relationships often take work and ours was hard because of the distance between us, which was going to change very soon because i was moving to be near her. She said it was like the movie Hancock, which I have not seen, with Will Smith. She said sometimes two people are just too strong to be together. To me, that all sounds like nonsensical mumbo jumbo.

But I know she has all my pictures, dozens at least, and she did call me Super Bowl Sunday to say how she recalled last year we watched it together. So I think there are some feelings there that she cannot turn off.

My feeling at this point, six weeks broken up now, is that she realized it would never work because of her personality. She now denies she has BPD, and claiming that she had it and certainly fitting the profile. She has also told me that, as per my request, she read through some BPD boards and does not see herself behaving like that at all. This is mind blowing to me, since I see her behavior reflected in almost every post.

So, I think, yes, there are feelings. But BPDs are much, much better at turning them off than the average person. The attitude of my ex is "I am what I am." "We are all products of our environment" It's like they are just able to move on quickly with much less grieving than the average person.

I know my ex left her first husband in Mexico basically in the middle of the night, took their two children back to the US, and never looked back. It was years before the man ever saw his children again, and then only sporadically. In a lucid moment, she told me "lets face it, I ruined his life"

With her second husband, a man who she had two more children with and who raised the first two as his own, she was able to paint him black when his business died out in the recent economic downfall and because of that their house was in foreclosure.

It seems like, at least with my ex, she considers feelings to be a hindrance or a weakness, and she can "flip the switch" on someone. She may never forget the good times, and she may realize later she made a mistake, but she can still do it without conscience.

BTW-She told me after she cheated on the second husband, both with me and with another man she had an eight year affair with, and she blamed this husband for losing their house, not communicating with her (they were married 22 years, together 26), and a host of other issues. After that marriage was over, she said that he was probably "just depressed" and she did not recognize his depression. SMH

[bettycat]

I remember asking my ex, months after he broke up with me, if he missed me at all.  He was able to just cut off and never look back.  His answer: "You know I have".  He couldn't say "yes".  I'm not sure if he meant it or not, because he also admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear.  

I DO know that he stopped going to all the restaurants and bars that we went to together- I'd like to believe that they initiated sad memories for him, but who knows.  Maybe he was just scared to run into me.  

Yes! I totally relate to this! I could NEVER get a straight yes or no answer from him! It was always an askewed response, sometimes even missing the question altogether! I even brought that up a couple of times to him-I asked why he would never say just "yes" or "no"... which brought about another confusing response. I have never dealt with such a confusing individual! Is that a trait of a pwBPD?

Anyways-yea, it just always felt like nothing they said was "genuine" or heart-felt. It felt like things were said because they learned to respond that way from other people, movies, what have you - but can never share themselves truly, openly, and genuinely. I am 2 months into my breakup, and having moved out, of a 2 year relationship. I try not to drive myself crazy wondering what he thinks about or what he's doing-I guess I exhausted myself of that behavior during the course of the relationship. So far, I've come to the conclusion that when going through a breakup, you will no doubt feel pain, BUT, at least you have options to choose from 2 kinds of pain: 1) The pain of KNOWING or 2) the pain from NOT KNOWING.  And everyday I choose pain #2. Because I know my curiousity as to what he's doing, what he's thinking, who he's with - all of that is fleeting (and thank god it is! I would hate to wonder this stuff the rest of my life!) As strong as my craving is to satisfy my curiousity and call him up to get those questions answered, my wanting to move on and make space for happiness is stronger.  So whenever I feel myself dipping into the rabbit hole of wondering about him (and that's where it starts getting messy and hurtful in my brain), I bring myself back to those simple choices: KNOWING or NOT KNOWING about the ex. And it makes the complex thoughts go away. Because I know that the bottom line is that, YES-I am in anguish and my heart and head hurts every single day and I cry thinking about him and everything that happened-but this is a pain I am accepting. This is pain from option #2. This is the healthy kind of pain. The pain that's going to make you come out on the other side stronger and wiser and back to your true self. A happy you. Whereas if you choose option #1 - Knowing - this is the kind of pain that will set you back. This kind of pain comes with a false sense of happiness and liberation because it will be short lived.  This pain accompanies your decision of giving up on your path to recovery and contacting them so that you can fulfill your curiousity and maybe even see them again which will sure enough lead to even more devastating heartache and the vicious cycle continues. The pain from KNOWING can also come from contacting your ex and hearing them be mean and hurtful to you on the phone. Or hearing them tell you they moved on and found someone else. - So, choose your pain wisely, because you will experience it regardless, but HOW do you want the pain to be experienced? Option 1 or 2?  This thought helps me when I start to wonder how he thinks, what he thinks, why he is the way he is, how he can be so cruel, etc. (which it's ok to wonder these things-that's part of the process-but, not ok to rest your wonders in answers that come from your ex). Knowing I have options in what kind of pain I need to go through simplifies the process for me. ... Yowza, I know I wrote a lot here. Oh well, hope this is helpful at all. -Oh and p.s. - I make sure to reward myself for choosing the healthier pain - by doing something that makes me feel GOOD! (getting a massage, going for a jog/walk, baking myself cupcakes/cookies, calling a friend). I found I don't ALWAYS have to feel pain during the day! I give myself interval breaks of shooting for at least 30 minutes of joy and happiness after feeling upset (although, sometimes I end up going overtime and somehow it spills into a couple of hours!)  

[bettycat]

... and in response to the initial post... (sorry)...

Some do, some don't. Whether they might have some regard for sentiment or whether they are just too shut-down and zombie-like... in the end, they just have a different coping mechanism, one we "nons" can't comprehend because we aren't wired like they are. I agree with what The Dude said.

[grad]

There were quite a few times throughout my 1.5 month r/s that my uBPDexgf would mention something that I did that her on/off ex of 12 years did too.  Anything we had in common, anything I said that he also said about her she would make a point to indicate such and sometimes it felt as though it struck something in her.  So yes they have memories of the good, bad and ugly.  Whether or not they want to think about or disclose that depends on the person.

[jaird]

This is pain from option #2. This is the healthy kind of pain. The pain that's going to make you come out on the other side stronger and wiser and back to your true self. A happy you. Whereas if you choose option #1 - Knowing - this is the kind of pain that will set you back. This kind of pain comes with a false sense of happiness and liberation because it will be short lived.  This pain accompanies your decision of giving up on your path to recovery and contacting them so that you can fulfill your curiousity and maybe even see them again which will sure enough lead to even more devastating heartache and the vicious cycle continues. The pain from KNOWING can also come from contacting your ex and hearing them be mean and hurtful to you on the phone. Or hearing them tell you they moved on and found someone else. - So, choose your pain wisely, because you will experience it regardless,

Thank you bettycat, wise words!

[jaird]

from bettycat:

Whether they might have some regard for sentiment or whether they are just too shut-down and zombie-like.

zombie-like indeed. thanks again!

[mrclear]

Maybe we should ask ourselves a question... . Why would we want to know whether the exBP misses us, or are reminded of us? Because we are rational. We want the BP to take responsibility for their actions and decisions during the relationship. For people with BP this is not possible. Real closure equals Ego-death for them. They are so fractured/fragile, that they really can't manage any kind of abandonment or loss. They are so full of self-loathing, that they can't handle anyone being aware of their shortcomings. Quote: "It's a matter of ego-preservation vs ego-annihilation, except they are preserving their false self". Being confronted with their true authentic self would symbolically "kill" them. Therefore they "split". You become "black" the next guy/girl/victim becomes white. Memories and experiences with the ex are blocked out or twisted into a false reality.

An interesting thesis I have read is that BP's relive you in their dreams. That's the only place where they can't hide, because their subconcious takes over and processes. Sometimes they will wake up sad and terrified, only to cling harder to the next relationship they have lined up.

If they are undiagnosed and not willing to search within themselves or help from outside, it will be an endless cycle. The only thing you can do is to take care of yourself and be happy. That's something they definitly can't handle... .

[charred]

I am sure they do, mine must... she still engages in semi-stalking behavior, and she has an apartment full of stuff I stupidly bought her.

My couch is broke down, hers is new and nice... I say stupidly because I thought we would be using them... live and learn. Her laptop, her vacuum... all kinds of things could remind her of me.  I don't have that problem, she bought me 8 shirts... and then when we had a fight, insisted I pay her for them... so it was a one way street, like the whole r/s.

[laelle]

I believe with their conscious (intentional) mind you are compartmentalized. Subconsciously there are some parts that cant put in a box (because they have no control over it) and to their dismay it seeps out in memories and dreams. It does not mean they will react to it sentimentally.   intimacy feelings are hard for them.  I have seen my ex excited to see me and obviously had missed me.

These are my personal beliefs from hearing my exbf talking about our breaks ups as well as the ones from his ex before me.

[mango_flower]

I know mine does.  She feels things deeply.  I think she compartmentalizes, so when she's with her gf and therefore is occupied and getting her needs me, she doesn't process such things.

When she's alone, I know she does. 

E.g. a few weeks ago we spoke briefly and she mentioned that cherries had come back into season and she'd seen them in the shops and thought of me and it made her smile.

[Vegasskydiver]

I remember asking my ex, months after he broke up with me, if he missed me at all.  He was able to just cut off and never look back.  His answer: "You know I have".  He couldn't say "yes".  I'm not sure if he meant it or not, because he also admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear. 

I DO know that he stopped going to all the restaurants and bars that we went to together- I'd like to believe that they initiated sad memories for him, but who knows.  Maybe he was just scared to run into me. 

I believe that memories can powerful and overwhelming for them.  I love country music and when I met my exBPDbf, so did he, but about a month into our relationship he told me that he cannot and refuses to listen to country music any longer becuase as he explained that if we broke up and he heard country music that it would trigger intense pain and heart break.  For some reason music was a trigger for him.  I didn't understand at the time (I really believed I would be with this man forever).    On the other hand he bought a boat and we had our special day every week when we would take the boat on  on Lake Mead and have the time of our lives.  I recently saw his profile on Match and he put a line in there that read "weekly trips to the Lake are a must".  It about broke my heart .  He is looking for a relacement to share the same routine that he did with me.  Skydiving, kayaking, paddle boarding, boating... . he wants to do all of that with his new partner.  These are things that we learned to do together... .  I really don't get him.  He told me so many things and promised to love me forever... . :'(

[laelle]

Vegasskydiver,

He absolutely meant it when he said it.  He isnt emotionally stable and is in a constant battle with himself to preserve himself from ceasing to exist.  He will repeat the same cycle again and again with someone new without therapy.   He would have loved you forever if he was able to, he just doesnt know how.

I hate the disease.

[Vegasskydiver]

Vegasskydiver,

He absolutely meant it when he said it.  He isnt emotionally stable and is in a constant battle with himself to preserve himself from ceasing to exist.  He will repeat the same cycle again and again with someone new without therapy.   He would have loved you forever if he was able to, he just doesnt know how.

I hate the disease.

I hate the disease too... . the problem is I feel like I will love him forever and it hurts so bad because he didn't believe me.  He kept telling me that he ws in constant termoil that I would leave him and get tired of his sh**.  The more i tried to show him my love and loyality the stakes got higher and higher and I couldn't convince him no matter what I did... . I felt like I was bleeding for him, yet he didn't see it... . I still am... . this sucks so bad!

[laelle]

It does suck.  It is not possible for you to have ever loved him enough to convince him.  I cant get my head around all the complexities of this disease.  In the end tho, you do not have BPD, and you cant make him not have BPD.  He will destroy you to save himself.  He wouldnt mean to do it, but he would.    :'(

[jaird]

Just my two cents:

I do believe they miss us from time to time, especially when they are alone.

BUT, and this is a big but, I believe they have elaborate coping mechanisms-splitting, painting black, moving on quickly, lack of core values, distorting facts. And all these coping mechanisms work to enable them to shut down their feelings for us.

My ex claims she is so, so busy with family activities, but she is no more busy than she ever was. She also entered into a type of relationship that is the exact opposite of what she claimed to want for the two plus years we were together.

There is also object constancy. Out of sight truly is out of mind for people affected with BPD. A break up of a few weeks will seem like a few months to them. A few months will seem like several months, and so on. I think this is why a relationship that ended only a few months ago can seem like a dream to them, like a distant memory.

[SadWifeofBPD]

When H first went to rehab in another state and was staying at his brother's home at night and weekends, he said that he ddn't miss me at all.  He claimed to be having the time of his life.  His bro and wife took care of him, cooked for him, did his laundry, etc.  All he had to do was go to rehab from 9-2 on M-F... . then go to the gym, eat with his brother's family, watch TV, surf the web, and go out with his rehab pals the rest of the time.  It was like a vacation from him. 

My sister, a T, kept telling me that he's miserable... . and she ended up being right.  100%.   When H returned in November he confessed that he felt that he had lost everything... . wife, kids, pets, everything.  He missed all of us.  The "excitement" of being away wore off quickly.

He's now moved to an apt, I purposely have NO Contact with him, and I'm sure he'll soon be miserable again.  He moved next door to a co-worker and likely will bother them a LOT for awhile until they put up some boundaries, which they'll likely soon do.  Of course, this co-worker and wife aren't taking care of him like his brother was, so he'll feel lonely even sooner. 

My sister told me yesterday to expect him to contact me within a week or so.  She told me that no one is going to EVER take care of him like I did.  (she scolded me for doing way too much for him.   And, she's right.  But H was/is VERY needy.)

[crashintome]

Mine claimed she did.  When we were "on" she said she would think of me often when we were "off" and that she missed me.

I don't know if I buy it.  I think her saying it was just a way to make me fall again.

Or maybe I'm just bitter.

[Hurt llama]

For example, I am reminded of her if i see a bench we once sat on, a song we both liked, a place we went together... .  you get the idea.

Do they not experiance the same reminders? do they miss the good times with us?

From my experience and in my case, absolutely yes. And even more extreme than me, which is almost impossible to believe...

We're not kids but middle aged and both divorced with children. I know to find a partner with the true connections and interests in so many positive and healthy good ways (unreal right?) is not easy... and I have probably gone on over 100 first dates in the 10 years I've been divorced.

She feels the same connection, the same pull, of this there is no doubt. SHe refuses to quit and she says to me often (sorta like a robot), "I love you completely and truly for all of your good parts and bad". I've slowly deciphered this as, yes she does mean it but she is also mirroring my words and adding in the 'good parts and bad' which I think is what she thinks I must do for it to work.

It's just like we are so close and yet so far. I can't really even maintain much anger anymore but there always is a danger of getting triggered and over reacting as I did two weeks ago. I've become unfair to her in some ways.

The thing that is the wall or that makes it impossible other than to enjoy short moments of connection, is her complete inability to communicate or express much shame, remorse or deep sympathy... I have learned and i know she feels things so deeply that to acknowledge these things as I would need, for her feels like a kind of 'death'.

So to answer your question. Yes, I think they do!