trying to look inward but can't seem to idenitfy my issues

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I am trying to figure out why I stayed with my BPDex and also why I still have very strong feelings for her.

I looked at family issues and can't find much. My father was poor growing up so there was somewhat of a constant struggle with money; I wanted the cool new shoes but he didn't want to pay for them. but those are the biggest issues I can find and those are pretty lame entitlement problems of white middle class america. My mother is patient and kind. My brother and I fought when we were younger but he was my best friend in college. My sister and I don't have a lot in common but as we get older we have gotten closer and closer.

Looking back at my past rs, they seem fairly typical. I am in my mid 30s. I have been in 3 serious rs and dozens of not so serious. There was never violence or emotional or physical abuse. I was unfaithful in some of my rs and others were unfaithful to me. I think I can identify at least 2 out of the dozens of non-serious rs that were PD; one I think was def BPD. But it was very casual and I walked away the first time things got weird.

The serious rs always seemed to run the same course; about 6 months of good times. Then my interest would wane and I would find myself noticing other women. Eventually I would decide that I needed to move on and we would break up. My last girlfriend was very hurt when I moved on (we were together for about 5 years). She wanted to get married and I didn't feel that I wanted to be with her forever so I ended it. The breakup was sad, but she moved out, took her stuff, and we went our own ways. I don't stay in contact with my exes but most of them are FB friends and we are friendly and cordial when we run into each other in public.

I drank a lot in college and still probably drink more than the average person. for a short time in college I also took adderal, painkillers, etc. I was in a frat and we all partied a lot so I guess it seemed normal.  On that same note, casual sex seemed like the norm as well. Maybe it was over the top but looking back it seems fairly typical. Many of my friends still live this lifestyle but I moved on probably around the time I turned 30.

When I met BPDex it was different. I liked everything about her; physically, intellectually, and at first even emotionally. I am sure I enjoyed the adoration part, but it doesn't stick out in my memory. She was a fun and creative individual; she liked to hunt, fish, cook, run, cycle, camp, read books, garden. She was comfortable in blue jeans knocking out drywall and she could carry on a conversation with a judge at a cocktail party. She was an incredible athlete and a very good lawyer. Unlike in my previous rs, I didn't have doubts of spending my life with her. I no longer noticed other women. I was excited about having children and building a life and a family; before I met her I was on the fence about having kids.

Once I figured out about the BPD, I stuck around trying to get her into therapy. I hid the truth from my family in an attempt to gain time, but eventually she caused a scene in front of my father and brother at my office. I really didn't want it to end but at that point I felt like I had no other choice.

When I read other posts, they write that we may never "love" the way we loved the BPDex because that type of love was unhealthy. I guess I get confused here. If I don't love someone that much, enough that there are no doubts in my mind about spending my life with them, then why would I marry them?

Ok, so now I am rambling. I guess I am hoping I gave enough info that someone with a similar story can chime in and give me some advice. Why did I stay? Because I loved her and wanted it to work. What does that mean about me?

[toliveistofly]

So I am trying to figure out why I stayed with my BPDex and also why I still have very strong feelings for her.

I looked at family issues and can't find much. My father was poor growing up so there was somewhat of a constant struggle with money; I wanted the cool new shoes but he didn't want to pay for them. but those are the biggest issues I can find and those are pretty lame entitlement problems of white middle class america. My mother is patient and kind. My brother and I fought when we were younger but he was my best friend in college. My sister and I don't have a lot in common but as we get older we have gotten closer and closer.

Looking back at my past rs, they seem fairly typical. I am in my mid 30s. I have been in 3 serious rs and dozens of not so serious. There was never violence or emotional or physical abuse. I was unfaithful in some of my rs and others were unfaithful to me. I think I can identify at least 2 out of the dozens of non-serious rs that were PD; one I think was def BPD. But it was very casual and I walked away the first time things got weird.

The serious rs always seemed to run the same course; about 6 months of good times. Then my interest would wane and I would find myself noticing other women. Eventually I would decide that I needed to move on and we would break up. My last girlfriend was very hurt when I moved on (we were together for about 5 years). She wanted to get married and I didn't feel that I wanted to be with her forever so I ended it. The breakup was sad, but she moved out, took her stuff, and we went our own ways. I don't stay in contact with my exes but most of them are FB friends and we are friendly and cordial when we run into each other in public.

I drank a lot in college and still probably drink more than the average person. for a short time in college I also took adderal, painkillers, etc. I was in a frat and we all partied a lot so I guess it seemed normal.  On that same note, casual sex seemed like the norm as well. Maybe it was over the top but looking back it seems fairly typical. Many of my friends still live this lifestyle but I moved on probably around the time I turned 30.

When I met BPDex it was different. I liked everything about her; physically, intellectually, and at first even emotionally. I am sure I enjoyed the adoration part, but it doesn't stick out in my memory. She was a fun and creative individual; she liked to hunt, fish, cook, run, cycle, camp, read books, garden. She was comfortable in blue jeans knocking out drywall and she could carry on a conversation with a judge at a cocktail party. She was an incredible athlete and a very good lawyer. Unlike in my previous rs, I didn't have doubts of spending my life with her. I no longer noticed other women. I was excited about having children and building a life and a family; before I met her I was on the fence about having kids.

Once I figured out about the BPD, I stuck around trying to get her into therapy. I hid the truth from my family in an attempt to gain time, but eventually she caused a scene in front of my father and brother at my office. I really didn't want it to end but at that point I felt like I had no other choice.

When I read other posts, they write that we may never "love" the way we loved the BPDex because that type of love was unhealthy. I guess I get confused here. If I don't love someone that much, enough that there are no doubts in my mind about spending my life with them, then why would I marry them?

Ok, so now I am rambling. I guess I am hoping I gave enough info that someone with a similar story can chime in and give me some advice. Why did I stay? Because I loved her and wanted it to work. What does that mean about me?

[MaybeSo]

So I am trying to figure out why I stayed with my BPDex and also why I still have very strong feelings for her.

I looked at family issues and can't find much. My father was poor growing up so there was somewhat of a constant struggle with money; I wanted the cool new shoes but he didn't want to pay for them. but those are the biggest issues I can find and those are pretty lame entitlement problems of white middle class america. My mother is patient and kind. My brother and I fought when we were younger but he was my best friend in college. My sister and I don't have a lot in common but as we get older we have gotten closer and closer.

What was your families emotional life like?  If someone was hurt, scared, angry, tired, happy, sad, embarassed... .  how were emotions dealt with in the family, how were YOUR emotions and feelings handled as a kid?

Looking back at my past rs, they seem fairly typical. I am in my mid 30s. I have been in 3 serious rs and dozens of not so serious. There was never violence or emotional or physical abuse. I was unfaithful in some of my rs and others were unfaithful to me. I think I can identify at least 2 out of the dozens of non-serious rs that were PD; one I think was def BPD. But it was very casual and I walked away the first time things got weird.

The serious rs always seemed to run the same course; about 6 months of good times. Then my interest would wane and I would find myself noticing other women. Eventually I would decide that I needed to move on and we would break up. My last girlfriend was very hurt when I moved on (we were together for about 5 years). She wanted to get married and I didn't feel that I wanted to be with her forever so I ended it. The breakup was sad, but she moved out, took her stuff, and we went our own ways. I don't stay in contact with my exes but most of them are FB friends and we are friendly and cordial when we run into each other in public.

Are you curious about why after six months you grew bored with your serious r/ships?  How long were you with your last BPD gf?

I drank a lot in college and still probably drink more than the average person. for a short time in college I also took adderal, painkillers, etc. I was in a frat and we all partied a lot so I guess it seemed normal.  On that same note, casual sex seemed like the norm as well. Maybe it was over the top but looking back it seems fairly typical. Many of my friends still live this lifestyle but I moved on probably around the time I turned 30.

Yup, drinking, drugs, and casual sex are considered the norm  right now in our culture as our right of passage in college... .  however, just because a rather out of balance culture does something, doesn't mean it's especially healthy. Hard to become a more introspective, sensitive adult, comfortable with intimate relating, when we're partying all the time and in an altered state. Adolescence and early adulthood is typicall a time to hone our adult social skills, it was tradistionall a time to be initiated into what it means to be a husband/wife/father/mother/leader... .  today, we tend to zone out with the drugs and sex during this time and have no discernable initiation into adulthood... .  and so we sometimes aren't very emotionally 'adult' even though we are technically adults, smart, holding down important careers etc.

When I met BPDex it was different. I liked everything about her; physically, intellectually, and at first even emotionally. I am sure I enjoyed the adoration part, but it doesn't stick out in my memory. She was a fun and creative individual; she liked to hunt, fish, cook, run, cycle, camp, read books, garden. She was comfortable in blue jeans knocking out drywall and she could carry on a conversation with a judge at a cocktail party. She was an incredible athlete and a very good lawyer. Unlike in my previous rs, I didn't have doubts of spending my life with her. I no longer noticed other women. I was excited about having children and building a life and a family; before I met her I was on the fence about having kids.

Once I figured out about the BPD, I stuck around trying to get her into therapy. I hid the truth from my family in an attempt to gain time, but eventually she caused a scene in front of my father and brother at my office. I really didn't want it to end but at that point I felt like I had no other choice.

When I read other posts, they write that we may never "love" the way we loved the BPDex because that type of love was unhealthy. I guess I get confused here. If I don't love someone that much, enough that there are no doubts in my mind about spending my life with them, then why would I marry them?

I think the type of unhealthy love referred to here, is about addiction. Love doesn't feel heady, grandiose, exciting, and fulfilling all the time.  Being in a high drama/ exciting relationship with a complex person that is mirroring us... .  can become addicting.  Sure there's attachment and all attachment has to do with what humans call 'love'... .  but it can end up being a very unhealthy attachment, even an emotiionally dependecy (as in addiction) to a certain feeling state we think this person provides.  Often the up and down drama of it all, fuels that hightened state, the highs are so high, the lows so low... .  followed by another high... .  then a chase for that high again... .  that's getting uncomfortably close to an addiction cycle. Nothing unhealthy with feeling committed to someone.  But it's important to tease out, what about this r/s was so different from more 'normal' r/s? 

Ok, so now I am rambling. I guess I am hoping I gave enough info that someone with a similar story can chime in and give me some advice. Why did I stay? Because I loved her and wanted it to work. What does that mean about me?

[MaybeSo]

apologies for all the spelling/typos above... .  I got distracted and lost my opportunity to make edits... .  

[P.F.Change]

Yes... .  I think one question is: Why did your other r/s seem "boring"? After about 4-6 months the honeymoon phase wears off, the initial high is gone and what we are left with is the work of really loving someone. It sounds like you are after a feeling and once a relationship stops giving you that high you move on to score somewhere else.

I have heard people describe pwBPD as the crack cocaine of relationships. Very dangerous and very addicting... .  I am guessing yout ex was giving you the payoff of some pretty intense admiration that probably felt different from what "normal" women had been able to give you. What do you think?

It is really helpful to have support from a trained professional when we are ready to start really looking inward. If you are having trouble identifying your issues, it would probably be a good idea to find a therapist.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[toliveistofly]

Thanks for the input. I have a T that I have seen for a long time, but mostly for medication management for insomnia. He diagnosed my BPDex as BPD almost immediately. He is an incredible doc, and very intuitive but at $325/hr it is tough to spend a lot of time with him. He asks me some of the same questions: what did I like about my BPDex? was it the drama and excitement. And my honest answer is NO, I hated the drama and the excitement. I liked the quiet moments when we were alone and she was at peace (or at least seemed to be).

It is hard to explain, but what I liked about her was that I loved her. It wasn't that she loved me. I hope this doesn't come off as arrogance, but for the majority of my rs I was the one doing the leaving. In my 3 serious rs the girls were waiting for rings and I had to walk away. So it wasn't as if I felt unloved or unworthy. But with my BPDex, I loved her. I admired her. I respected her. She taught me things. I learned from her. The rs worked both ways; there was a give and take. Until the BPD kicked in that is; then it was a different kind of give and take.

Ok, so as I am writing this I realize that most of my rs have been pretty shallow. They were based initially on physical attraction and as that wore off, I realized that there was very little to talk about or share. I feel like this experience with my BPDex made me realize what I want out of a partner. It also made me realize what I don't want. So maybe all of this will go away when I meet someone else who has the good qualities of the BPDex without the BPD?

I think you asked how long I was with BPDex; dated for 3 months, I proposed, about 3 months later I realized she had BPD, then I spent a year trying to get her into therapy. Then about 6 months separated but occasionally coming back together before I finally went NC. So about 2.5 years total.

[P.F.Change]

So maybe all of this will go away when I meet someone else who has the good qualities of the BPDex without the BPD?

No one else can change you. If you have any issues you will have to work on those on your own. They won't just go away because you meet someone new. It sounds like you have learned a few things though... .  those will definitely be good to keep in mind as you move forward. You can think about what kind of partner you want... .  and also wwhat kind of partner you want to be.

There is good therapy available for a lot less money if you want to see someone more often. But if you feel comfortable with your current T and feel you are being challenged and cared for that is important, too.

PF