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Author Topic: What determines the length of a BPD relationship?  (Read 970 times)
trevjim
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« on: February 09, 2013, 11:15:06 AM »

The reason i ask is because, like my own, alot of peoples relationships lasted typicaly 2-4 years with their BPD partner. yet some people here have been married for 20+ years.

Now i know BPD is stronger in some then others, the enviroment can have a say in how long the relationship is, and everyone is differant including the 'non' and factors such as that.

But from what i understand, is that the BPD goes from, idolizing, to clinging, to persecuting, and often through all those things again and again in many orders.

so how can a BPD stay in a relationship for so long with someone and other BPD go through other relationships so quickly?
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atcrossroads
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« Reply #1 on: February 09, 2013, 11:21:11 AM »

Hmm... .  mine was over a decade (left this week, separated in house since fall).  My h was calm and easy-going much of time, long "honeymoon" period, I denied early red flags (saw what I wanted to see)... .  I dunno.  I'm dwelling on it all now.  He didn't "split" me until about 8 months ago (I mean completely paint me black).  So it was the two of us against the world kind of thing.  I think lots of the 20+ year marriages may have stayed partly b/c of kids.
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trouble11
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« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2013, 11:27:21 AM »

Good question ... .  was wondering that myself.  I think my exBPDbf stayed in his marriage for 26 years because he  

a. He got married at 19 with almost no relationship experience and resigned himself to a "this is my life, now I'll just wait to die" attitude.  He told me this.

b. His wife was BPD and he was afraid of her.

c. Pre internet and cell phone it was difficult for him to cheat.  As soon as these things became available he started cheating.  

d. he stayed REALLY drunk


The question I would like answered is not necessarily how long it lasted, but how long was it good?
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trevjim
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« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2013, 11:34:24 AM »

But what makes one person 'split' someone after 3 months and another after 15 years?
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trouble11
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« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2013, 11:47:34 AM »

Maybe the severity of the condition.  Some people live years with cancer, some don't.  Maybe the partner to a certain degree.  My ex's ex wife was BPD also so maybe her emotional crap made him feel more "normal".  I'm very rational and logical, so I don't think that helped much. In fact I think it made him feel more dysfunctional.  I also think some are better at hiding that they've split you.  Mine was a total WAIF.  Very quiet, never fought, never argued, but split me none the less.  The only way I could tell was by the look in his eyes.  When i asked about it he would say he had a bad day at work.   
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Traye

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« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2013, 11:55:03 AM »

Mine lasted 3 years.  One big long roller coaster.  I think I was split black a couple times, but then painted white again.  We recycled twice.  We had "pockets" of good... .  mostly in the first 18 months.  The last 18 months were hell, with just enough good to keep me hanging in there.  She was very good at knowing when I was on the verge of leaving, so she'd get all nice and lovey again.  I don't know how "calculating" BPDs are--mine seemed to be much more "fleeting in the moment".
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Traye

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« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2013, 11:56:23 AM »

I'm sick about the fact that it took me 3 years to figure her out.  What a colossal waste of time.
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trevjim
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« Reply #7 on: February 09, 2013, 11:59:32 AM »

I'm sick about the fact that it took me 3 years to figure her out.  What a colossal waste of time.

I would of love to of known she had BPD whilst i was in the relationship, its sad it took breaking up to research that she most probably does.
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TheDude
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« Reply #8 on: February 09, 2013, 12:21:54 PM »

I'm not so sure there's any unifying, cohesive answer to this question. It would seem that splitting is associated with 'triggers', but there's no logical way of knowing what those are (particularly if trying to figure out the first split). Seven years and 4 splits later, and I can't say that I can identify any of the triggers. As mentioned, there's varying degrees of dysfunction and other factors involved (like repression and co-morbidity).

On a side thought (but related to time frames), mine has shown an odd, "OCD-like" perception of time, particularly with her actions when we're not together - from when she breaks up to when she reappears. Break-ups are always associated with a specific event (3 times within days either way of her birthday, the last one right after New Years), and her reappearances are always x months... .  plus one day. First time NC - she broke at 1 month + 1 day (subsequent times have been anywhere from 2 to 8 months - and always plus one day). Coincidence? I dunno. Pretty strange to me.
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cal644
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« Reply #9 on: February 09, 2013, 12:23:34 PM »

I think part of it is reguard to the spouse.  Mine lasted 19 years and I was as close to an ideal husband as possible.  :)on't get me wrong 3 years in we seperated (should have been my first red flag) ... we have also had many ups and downs - but I was always there for her.  I started going black when my brother got cancer - she realized that all my attention wasn't towards her and she didn't know how to step up to the plate when I needed comforting.  Before that it was always me being the strong one, the comforting one.  Honestly though, I never felt like I was loved - I know it's sad to say - but I was the type of guy who would have been with her to the end.  People now comment on how much love and attention I received and never received 1/10th of what I gave her.  I can never seeing her lasting even that close ever again... .  especially if she starts comparing her new Knights to me - I hate to say this but any new Knight doesn't stand a chance to give her what I did.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #10 on: February 09, 2013, 12:43:38 PM »

I think a lot of it depends on the partner of the pwBPD.  How much you accept, what things you are doing to keep the relationship going and where you draw the line.
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trevjim
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« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2013, 12:47:34 PM »

Ive read that if you are loving and calm, the pwBPD gets bored and wants to control you, If you are full of drama, this sets off triggers. If you are too unloving... .  trigger. if you are outgoing and social... .  trigger. If you stay and and do nothing all day... .  trigger, if the pwBPD falls for you, they push you away etc.

It seems no matter who or how you are, It sets of triggers and promotes BPD behaviour
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HostNoMore
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« Reply #12 on: February 09, 2013, 02:16:27 PM »

I was one of the lucky ones in that mine only lasted three months though it seemed like six months such was the roller coaster.

I think Green Mango nails it:

Excerpt
How much you accept, what things you are doing to keep the relationship going and where you draw the line.

Ten days before the final dump she told me that she wanted to be my dominatrix.  Well, I kind of set a hard boundary there to say the least on that request.  A few days later she told me that we were in an open relationship, yet again, I stood my ground.  A week later she set me free from the madness.

I think she just kept pushing me until she found where my true boundaries were.  I think I am kind of unique in that I do not like to dominate nor will I be submissive either.  I exactly straddle the line between the two.

I thank my lucky stars and the powers that be to be out of there.  Of course, the many months of recovery and finding my new self were very trying, but overall the experience has made me stronger.
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truly amazed
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« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2013, 02:48:51 PM »

Hi,

Excerpt
What determines the length of a BPD relationship?

You do  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yep can laugh now, but its all about you. If you recycle, its your decision to go back.

As Green Mango says its where you draw the line. Where you say enough !

Some last shorter, some longer. Some like myself despite having an extreme ex BPD partner are able to tolerate it longer, others last weeks. As hard as it is to admit even now ... .  the healthier the partner is the shorter it will be tolerated.

I would like to make every excuse under the sun for myself why I endured in the 2-3 year period with a rage session every 2 weeks on average, but there is no excuse. I thought she was grieving over a previous abusive relationship where I thought she was abused ... .  Wrong. Made so many excuses till all boundaries were broken but a few. So mixed up with PTSD, Pavlovian dog syndrome and stockholm syndrome, ass reasons why ... .  a BPD upbringing and high to extreme tolerance for this sort of stuff ... .  but the reality in the end ? What determined the length of it ?

Me.

I own that.

How some last 7 years or 14 years as did two of the previous relationships for my ex is beyond me. That was their choice ... .  my own thankfully lasted less.

But I own this action and that is what always determines the course of any relationship, not the poor actions of one partner but when one says that is enough and stops it ! It only takes one person to end things no matter what we may think. When enough is enough.

Take care 
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gettingoverit
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« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2013, 04:30:56 PM »

I'm one of those people that lasted 6+ years. I put up with the bull___. I could talk about all the shouldawouldacoulda's but in the end it was all me. Poor boundaries, low self esteem and a sense of obligation... .  plus I didn't really know what I was dealing with at the time. I had no idea it would NEVER get better. You live and learn I guess. Never again.
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HostNoMore
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« Reply #15 on: February 09, 2013, 05:17:09 PM »

Thanks Truly Amazed!

Excerpt
the healthier the partner is the shorter it will be tolerated.

That really made me feel good about myself.  I really do (normally) take no crap but did take way too much from my BPD everything from physical to verbal abuse.  I think they have a special way of getting into your mind to control you.  I also think the fact they continually keep us off balance always works in their favor too plus many of us had no clue what we were dealing with at the time.  The addiction to them is very strong also.

For those of you who stayed enmeshed for long periods, do not be hard on yourself for you are on the road to freedom and building a healthier you.  The only thing that matters is right here right now as the past is gone, and you are building a better future for yourself one step at a time.

Be thankful you are free no matter how long or short your relationship was.  Learn from it and use that experience to grow and become healthier.
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almost789
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« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2013, 06:18:15 PM »

The good part of my relationship lasted 6mo. and we had  major bump around 3mo where i should have took off running at that point but i was already addicted.  Weve spent the last year attempting to recycle. I dont know how BPD can lie dormant for years and years ive heard theres alot of misdiagnosis of BPD, maybe that has something to do with it.
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atcrossroads
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« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2013, 12:12:46 PM »

I'm sick about the fact that it took me 3 years to figure her out.  What a colossal waste of time.

No, it wasn't a waste of time.  Your r/s was an opportunity for you to grow, learn, change.  No doubt you will not repeat this pattern again.  Use it as a chance for introspection and growth, and it won't have been a waste.  That's how I'm trying to see it.  My husband, on the other hand, told me I wasted the best years of his life.  Well, that's not surprising because he sees the negative in everything, and he is doomed to repeat his pattern.  I know it's the disorder and he can't help it, but it's like he enjoys the misery.

**And, I stayed for 10+ if that makes you feel any better that you only wasted three.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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clairedair
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« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2013, 01:01:58 PM »

Hi,

Excerpt
What determines the length of a BPD relationship?

You do 

My relationship lasted nearly 30 years with the first separation coming after 23 years. My theory is that the period before separation was lengthy partly because I wasn't someone who shared a lot of myself so there was a lack of intimacy.

This is one of the things he blames for the breakups but after the trauma of the initial break and his subsequent lightning speed attachment to someone else, I did a lot of work on myself and really started opening up to people. When we reconciled, our relationship was better than ever (for me at least) but the more emotionally intimate we became, the more he seemed to panic and abruptly withdraw. It became a pattern and I agree with truly amazed - the relationship would have ended sooner if I had been able to say 'enough'.

My other theory is that his mother's death was the start of the end.  Things changed after that.

His ex-girlfriend was exactly what he said he needed/wanted in a relationship - shared of herself fully and very soon after meeting.  She never lasted more than 6 months (he recycled her too).

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2013, 02:36:46 PM »

It depends a lot, ... a huge fricking lot on the own dignity and self boundaries of the NON-BPD person in the r/s.
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trouble11
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« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2013, 02:46:09 PM »

I know I stayed longer than I would have had I not been so financially vested.  By the time things went bad I had left my home, my business, my friends and moved 1300 miles to be with him.  Made it much harder for me to let go and give up. 
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GreenMango
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« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2013, 04:33:03 PM »

Trouble you raise a good point many people are heavily invested.  I know I was too ... .  Financially and family.

Sometimes people have kids, businesses, shared assets... .  all these things on top of the emotional investment make leaving a difficult decision.

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gettingoverit
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« Reply #22 on: February 11, 2013, 05:08:03 PM »

Trouble you raise a good point many people are heavily invested.  I know I was too ... .  Financially and family.

Sometimes people have kids, businesses, shared assets... .  all these things on top of the emotional investment make leaving a difficult decision.

One of the last reasons near the end why I could not pry myself away from her. I had invested (financially, spiritually and physically) soo much with so little in return. I just wanted to get SOMETHING back.
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