Growing apart

[ZigZiglar]

The changes I have made to myself to "get my life back" are causing a lot of turmoil in my marriage (a new and different turmoil). The strategies my wife has used to combat her abandonment issues are proving less and less effective and this is rendering her more and more vulnerable.

Using the marriage/relationship or even the children as ammunition either to get her own way or just to hurt me has been the ultimate strategy and until recently I have more often than not done what I perceived was necessary to get things back on track (always at the cost of my self respect or trueness to myself) and prevent the threats from becoming reality.

Most recently I responded to her telling me it was over by acknowledging it as fact and responding as such. I avoided contact with her for two days while I got my emotional control together, then I started making phone calls in order to obtain legal and financial advice, told my friends etc When she asked to talk to me about custody, this time I went to talk about custody and not about how we should try and make things work. She tried to give me an ultimatum regarding severing a friendship with a co-worker who gave me their number when they quit last week. This is a married woman twice my age who I get along well with because she is a social worker. I refused, but was polite about my reasoning and she felt as though I didn't value our relationship anymore. She struggled to accept my reassurance.

Anyway, I do paraphrase a bit of self-help material or choice psychology when I'm trying to explain my change of behavior to her and this is resulting in thinking I've become a completely different person; someone she thinks she is falling "out of love" with. Now in my view this is probably because she is fearful of my emotional growth and like a stereotypical teenage blonde would respond to someone speaking to them with "big words", her fear is taking on its own form.

Nothing about me has really changed except for how codependent I am and this makes her vulnerable and I think she is really struggling with the impulse to take control and be the one to push me away before I do it.

I am sure this is a reoccurring theme. The fact of the matter is that I have made these changes in myself because I deserve happiness and also because if our marriage has a future, it is only possible if I am true to myself. I don't want to drift away from her any more than she wants me to.

It is hard to separate my role as a supportive husband and the role of a codependent enabler sometimes. I can see her genuinely suffering with this situation and I see that she is really afraid of us drifting apart. What IS my role here and what should I do about it?

(Sorry for the novel. And I really appreciate your time and input!)

Cheers

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

This is the "staying" board. You sound almost undecided as to whether you want to stay with her or not. If you are working through that, there is another board better suited here.

I also hear frustration with your situation, and refusal to be blackmailed into things that don't work for you. That sounds like progress on your part. 

I'd also suggest that you could take these threats of leaving in a new way. I see three choices:

• Cave in to save your marriage (You don't like this one, and I don't recommend going back)



• Agree and make plans for separating (Sounds like your current tack)



• Validate her concerns and fears without agreeing that you are ready to separate or want to separate

This is pretty tough and advanced validation. (Have you read the lesson on validation here recently?

[waverider]

You have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette, it is still early days, all you can see so far is a whole pile of crack eggs, the omelette hasn't yet had time to cook for you to feel the benefits.

These changes are big as you are reversing ingrained behaviors, it does take a long time and things do get worse before they get better. Do you feel you are going too fast? Only you can determine that.

For this to end with a "good" result there is a lot of changing of personalities to be done, hers and yours. A happy end product will be between two different people than you both were to start with. You may get your act together, and she may "fix" herself, but even though you may both be better, because you are both now different  you may no longer compatible.

There are a whole lot of end scenarios possible, so dont try projecting too far. Stick to getting your whole self and were you want it to be, then reassess it. It is not uncommon for these relationships to totally breakdown before eventually reconnecting.

[elemental]

Marriage builders will tell you that your loyalty lies with your spouse, not your friend. Obviously there is an underlying issue. If you were planning to stay, I would personally recommend that you choose your wife over your friend for the time being until the underlying issue is addressed and your wife is ok with you having good female friends.

And of course she feels like you don't value your relationship anymore. You just prioritized another woman over your wife and your marriage in a way that is in her face and frankly disrespectful to her. Your reasoning is irrelevant to your wife.

Even non BPD women who are not feeling secure do not like this sort of thing.

That being said, you have already made the choice to file for divorce. So what is the point of negotiating on friendships?

If you decide you want to stay in the marriage, being stubborn at this point in time and persuing the friendship will not help you.