More parenting tips

[yeeter]

My S8 and I have had some good discussions lately.  And last week I was away on travel all week, so not around.  I asked how things went and in general things went ok.

But S8 was sharing some of the things he was doing to keep mom from getting upset.  I coach him that its not possible to keep other people from getting upset, and that it shouldnt be his priority (at least not all the time).  He was even sharing with me that he is afraid to tell someone his feelings or what he wants, because they might not like it and he wants to make them happy.  So he just says/does what he thinks they will like.

(am sure many of us here can relate)

So again I coach that its not his job in life just to try to make everyone happy, and he cant be afraid to state his own wants even if it does upset someone.

But he challenges me on the ability to avoid getting mom upset.  I say its not really possible, that sooner or later she will get upset over something.  He says - ya, but I can avoid a lot of it.  So it IS possible a lot of the time.

Im thrilled that we are talking so openly about these things.  And some amount of this is natural development. 

Any advice or tips anyone here wants to throw out for me to keep emphasizing?  Im all ears.

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[Foreverhopefull]

Have you considered therapy? Maybe a therapist can help him better understand how to be himself while getting a better understanding of mom's condition.

Just make sure that the T is for kids.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Yeeter

Having grown up with dysfunction and tip-toeing around a lot of mom and dad's issues, I wish someone would have noticed or encouraged me to pursue my interests more.  Talking to me openly and healthily about my parents's problems would have helped some, but real life action and interest in 'me' doing healthy things would have helped a lot more.  Building me up from the inside out, not the outside in.

Does your son show enthusiasm towards anything in particular?  If so, really feed it and nourish it.  As he matures and naturally becomes more confident in himself and his abilities, hopefully he won't feel quite so responsible for a lot of 'how mom is behaving'.

In my house, Dad was the nice guy, Mom was the authority.  No matter what Dad said, Mom had the power to veto it.  I knew it; there would be hell to pay otherwise.  Mom actually had more respect because of this dynamic, so I learned really bad ways of manipulating her (kissing butt) to get my needs met.  It trickled down into other relationships as a result.  It was a learned behavior.  Mom's personality was the stronger of the two, I spent more time with her, she wore the pants.  And if she was calm, it seemed so was the rest of the household... .   

I can see why your son believes he has some control over her behavior.

[yeeter]

Good insights Phoebe.

Children figure things out very quickly - with a focus on what actually works.  (he thinks he can control her behavior because... .  well... .  he CAN!  To some degree at least.  But thats not going to serve him well in the long run)

I think we have a pretty 'normal' balance of authority in the parenting roles.  We are both conscious of it, and try not to over rule one another.  At the same time we both respect areas where the other person may feel strongly about - so dont make decisions in these areas without first discussing.

I hear a phrase sometimes (even saw it on a T-shirt):  If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy!

It makes me cringe.  This type of thing is what Im trying to gain insight on - because mama isnt going to be happy all the time... .  and that needs to be ok for the kids.  (yes there are implications to this, but I just dont want them internalizing it severely)

Definitely focusing on things he is really good at and building confidence is a big one.  He is really good at a few different things (very talented boy), but he doesnt feel it because if something is not perfect then he feels he failed.  This is another issue entirely (parenting... .  its always something).

[Blazing Star]

Hey Yeets!

Have you read "I don't have to make everything all better?", I skimmed it when I was on holiday last month, and have ordered my own copy, it is mainly about validating, but might have some ideas that you can introduce in an age appropriate way.

Also making up stories can help - you know how the power of a story can really tap into where it needs to be heard. Maybe something about a boy who had a golden heart, who was awesome at feeling other people's feelings and helping them with their own feelings, however each time he did this a little bit of the gold would leave his heart, etc, so he visited a wizard who helped him to realise that he needed to keep his heart shiny and gold by doing things for himself, focusing on things he finds fun would bring the gold back. Maybe the wizard gives him a magic stone/wand/cloak that will help him understand that he is separate from others, he can use this to remind himself that everyone is responsible for their own feelings?... .  

Or a mama dragon and her baby dragons who get scared when she breathes fire in anger, and so a fairy comes along and helps them to understand that it is okay for mama dragons to be upset sometimes, and gives them a symbol to remind them of this, or a tool they can use when they feel scared by their mamas feelings (think I am trying to get at here why he is so driven to stop her being upset - guess it is pretty scary for a little person when your mama is upset)... .  

Or a story about when you were a boy and how you felt when a grownup got upset, what you did etc.

Or whatever it is you want to get across in the form of a story that he will love.

It's so great you are coaching him and talking to him about all of this at such a young age!

Love Blazing Star

[almost789]

I think this shows the importance of where you come in as the "non" BPD parent. He needs at least one person he can be himself with. Encourage that he share that with you and not do like he does with Mom, deny himself to keep the peace.

[yeeter]

Also making up stories can help - you know how the power of a story can really tap into where it needs to be heard. Maybe something about a boy who had a golden heart, who was awesome at feeling other people's feelings and helping them with their own feelings, however each time he did this a little bit of the gold would leave his heart, etc, so he visited a wizard who helped him to realise that he needed to keep his heart shiny and gold by doing things for himself, focusing on things he finds fun would bring the gold back. Maybe the wizard gives him a magic stone/wand/cloak that will help him understand that he is separate from others, he can use this to remind himself that everyone is responsible for their own feelings?... .  

Or a mama dragon and her baby dragons who get scared when she breathes fire in anger, and so a fairy comes along and helps them to understand that it is okay for mama dragons to be upset sometimes, and gives them a symbol to remind them of this, or a tool they can use when they feel scared by their mamas feelings (think I am trying to get at here why he is so driven to stop her being upset - guess it is pretty scary for a little person when your mama is upset)... .  

Or a story about when you were a boy and how you felt when a grownup got upset, what you did etc.

Blaze... .  .you are seriously more creative than I am... .    love it!