PTSD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I want to send an email thanking him for giving me another 6 months of PTSD.

I forgot how bad it was when he split last time. Insomina, panic attacks, depression.

Have to see doctor next week about medication.

God, please. Make this stop. I have to stay together for my kids.

All I can do is shake.

[FollowingBliss]

I want to send an email thanking him for giving me another 6 months of PTSD.

I forgot how bad it was when he split last time. Insomina, panic attacks, depression.

Have to see doctor next week about medication.

God, please. Make this stop. I have to stay together for my kids.

All I can do is shake.

[Truth in Ruin]

Hi Bliss, I had PTSD as well, for maybe 2 months. I left and moved to my mothers. I was seriously screwed up. Like paraniod for being treated well. Thought my food might be poisoned. Went to ER from Tachicardia. 3 years with BPD gal was just too much. Hang in there. Your at the right place      P.S. im totally fine now.

[struggli]

I want to send an email thanking him for giving me another 6 months of PTSD.

I forgot how bad it was when he split last time. Insomina, panic attacks, depression.

Have to see doctor next week about medication.

God, please. Make this stop. I have to stay together for my kids.

All I can do is shake.

You know that email won't help you.  It'll likely make things worse.

Write it in a word processor.  Save it to your hard drive.  Leave it there. 

I have many letters I never sent to her because I know either she will dismiss them, use them against me, respond in a negative way, not respond at all, ... .  

However, I read them and they remind me of what I was feeling at the time.  And that helps sometimes.

I think if I sent a letter to ex sarcastically thanking her for the pain, she'd just think I was pathetic.  Remember, BPD people have no empathy.

[trouble11]

I'm with Struggli on this one.  I don't think it's that they don't care ... .  they just can't even grasp or process the pain or problems they inflict.  It would go right over his head.  I have first hand experience with sending these and literally watching how fast they get deleted.  Hang in there FB ... .  it really does get better.  I'm almost 4 months out and haven't shaken for a few weeks.  The panic attacks are pretty much over and only suffer slight anxiety from time to time.  I can also draw a deep breath.  I did it all day yesterday cause it felt so good.    You'll get there. 

[Vatz]

Panic attacks? Sounds pretty bad.

But yeah, Struggli's right. DO NOT send him emails. If you're already having such problems, you shouldn't talk to him at all. Now is the time to step away and take care of you. Think of it this way: You're seriously hurt, and bleeding. Now someone is asking you for help. If you go to help them, you might lose a lot of blood and pass out. Right now, you need to crawl away and get stable. Sending him the letters will only work against you. He either won't say a thing, or might start making excuses. But something much much worse can happen.

Let's say you send the letters and he starts apologizing, acting sympathetic and starts playing nice? You're in a weakened state so you just might drink the kool-aid and re-engage. Once he knows he's got you, he'll just keep hurting you. Right now, you're already wounded.

Let me ask you something, and I want you to think about it LOGICALLY and answer. You already have PTSD, you're clearly wounded already and your symptoms are pretty bad. What do you think will happen if you make contact with him?

[lockedout]

While it's OK to be hurt and have the insomnia, anxiety, ie normal health symptoms of the grieving process, the last thing you want to do is give him the power of knowing the pain he's inflicted. He thrives on his ability to be hurtful the controlling ability to keep you down. It brings him above you so that he'll perceive himself as a better person in his warped view of the world. The only way to beat him is to take that power away.

With kids, keep contact minimal and nothing more than what's needed for the kids. Change all e-mail and non-joint account passwords. If you are into Facebook, unfriend him and anyone who may lend him their password. When it comes to the kids, keep the exchanges brief and in public places. Never give away signs of your mood, especially if you're having a tough time.

Struggli has a good idea and it's one that I use myself. Start a journal. It's a good place to get stuff off your chest. Mine, at least originally was divided over the 5 stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. When you have the emotions or thoughts, that's the place to write. 6 weeks out, most entries are now in the "acceptance" category of my now 30 page journal.

[dharmagems]

Followingbliss,

I know how it feels to have PTSD when your BPDh splits.  It's ok.  Please try to protect your general health.  Try to find 5 mins during the day and before you sleep to breathe like you are breathing in pure safety and breathing out pure fire of strength.  It is any pureness you define and imagine for yourself.  You have the massive open arms of this community of people who have walked in your shoes in battle and are still in recovery and some are well enough to talk about it.  You are welcomed and share our tears and triumphs in our world.  We are your bridge of support.   You are NOT alone.  You can be alright with us.   Find a safe place and way to express yourself without expressing to your BPDh.  When you're alone, hit a pillow with your fist, jump up and down in the woods until you feel it's enough, journal anything you want, cry and wail in a safe and quiet place.  Please take everything smaller and in chunks of small time, you can get through this day, hour, and minute.  Protect your nerves right now.  You are building your strength now, slowly, but surely.

[Truth in Ruin]

FollowingBliss, Im with the crowd here. Dont Write. You must know that you will NOT have closure, and wont see eye to eye.

[FollowingBliss]

Truth in Ruin: I can imagine how a BPD would help a heart condition!  Thats awful you had to go through that. I was with my husband for 13 years, married 10.  He came and went a lot during that time, however. This is not our first split. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. How long have you been NC? 

Struggli and Vatz: You are absolutely right about the letter! My ex always twisted everything I said to make it my fault. He then insisted I hated him, afterward, to make me feel guilty. Like a dummy I took the bait, and he used it to suck me in, then slam me down again.   


Trouble11:  Kudos on your progress!     I would be happy to go that long without shaking!  I think im doing a bit better today though. There are good days and bad, as with everything. He does appear to be aware of the pain he inflicts, because he told me so (and even in his last email apologized for it). Then he sent me the link to that song ("one day you will" by Lady Antebellum) which made me cry buckets. It was his way of saying "dont worry you "will get over the pain of losing me one day."  Well, thats my interpretation at least. How arrogant is THAT?   


lockedout:  Awesome suggestion about journaling, thanks! It will help immensely i'm sure when I start therapy next week. Facebook is not an issue, as he never had one until recently. He has one now, however, as his new girlfriend is on there all day. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a secret account all this time, however.  Is this something common to BPD? 

dharmagems:  Breathing exercises are very good as well    I am so grateful for your kind words and support.

[FollowingBliss]

Truth in Ruin:  With regard to the others, this last split was so different than the others. Rather than simply disappear, his last email actually apologized for the pain he caused everyone. Then he said "maybe we are too different to make this work" and said my blaming him kept him "sicker". Then  he sent that song link to say, goodbye (I think). Not a peep since.

Would you consider that closure in a way?  Its so unlike him.

[nolisan]

My almost year with pwBPD ground off 25 lbs - not a good way to loose weight.

The closest thing I got to closure after I kicked her out was:

She left a book on a desk that I rarely use  - "Clean Sweep - Bannishing things you no longer need in your life". She bookmarked a page that explained "just becasue someone mistreated you - you are still devine".

Guess I should be content with this. It's as close to an admonition and apology as I will get.

[FollowingBliss]

She left a book on a desk that I rarely use  - "Clean Sweep - Bannishing things you no longer need in your life".

I guess we really are objects to them, aren't we? 

[lockedout]

My almost year with pwBPD ground off 25 lbs - not a good way to loose weight.

I like being 25 lbs lighter. I attribute about half of that the the stress before moving out. Being away, I'm more motivated to exercise (running 3.5 miles), less motivated to over-eat and drink so I haven't put any back on. I had a date ;ast night that went quite well... .  there goes a few more... .  

She left a book on a desk that I rarely use  - "Clean Sweep - Bannishing things you no longer need in your life". She bookmarked a page that explained "just because someone mistreated you - you are still devine".

Guess I should be content with this. It's as close to an admonition and apology as I will get.

Your perception of things could be different from her intended message. She's saying "I no longer need you in my life, and just because you mistreated me, I'm still devine". I had gone to a Bible study day before moving out. I came home later after I had been invited to dinner with some of the attendees. She asked what the subject was. I said "reptentance". Without even loonking at me, she just smiled, nodded, and said "I see... .  ". What she left out was an attempt at geeing in the last word. If she left it at that, she did you a favor.

[Changed4safety]

Hang in there.  I so relate to the shaking and the PTSD, I am so glad not to have that ugly rush of adrenaline and fear any more.  It will slow.  Be very gentle and loving to yourself.  For me it helped to imagine myself as "another person" and treat "her" well, because I just couldn't treat "me" that well.  As time has gone on I've integrated "her" and "me" much more in a healthy way.  

Don't write, don't get back on the merry-go-round.  

Edit:  Also, my ex was biiiiig into secrecy and "privacy", his ex used to snoop and things went so bad with her he got PTSD from something she did to him (and I found out later that some of this was actually true, LOL!)  So of course I never snooped, and he thus had cybersex with a slew of other women (like, over a dozen).  He also changed his FB for a while so that his status read "in a relationship with Changed" to our mutual friends, and no mention of a relationship to non mutual friends.  So yes.  This is part of them not wanting to be engulfed. 

[Truth in Ruin]

Hi Bliss, Does NC mean no contact? if so, its been 3 months no contact.  I would consider that closure. Its more than I got, and more than you thaught you would get.

[FollowingBliss]

Oh god, that song just haunts me. I don't want it to be over.

[Truth in Ruin]

In most cases, it isnt the person with BPD that ends the relatoinship. If you still want to be with him, I think you are still in the game... .  ?, I left my gal. She told me after 2 months that she missed me. 10 days later would not respond to my calls. I drove to her house, I s**t you not, a guy pulled in the drive-way, she got in, and on their date they went. The reason Im telling you this is because it was better this way. Its hard for you to leave them, because of the guilt. When she moved on, I was free of any and all guilt.