Need some advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been dealing with the silent treatment for two months. I got an angry mixed with love email accusing me of having an affair at work... Or more so that I had defended another teacher of the opposite sex and he made it into an affair... An elaborate story combining all kinds of things he feels were connected between us in the last few months. This is the 4th time in our 10 year relationship that he has accused and given me the silent treatment for 3 - 4 months and then came back. He is completely alone this time . Since the last time he did this 4 years ago he has stopped talking to his 18 year old daughter for " what she did" and does not speak to either of his brothers. He retired at 48 and now at 50 sits in the house becoming more paranoid and seems to be getting worse. He has only one friend that he hardly talks to that has told him to get counseling.well about 2 weeks ago he texted my son and told him not to tell me. He had bought him a Super Bowl box . My son is 20 and a really great kid. He kept texting for a few days and my son ended up winning some money in the pool. At some point while texting he asked my ex when he was coming back. My ex responded to that with the " series of events that led to me not to trust your mom"... My son sent back an text explaining that he has it wrong... What a rare gem he has in me and how loyal I am and how much his mom loves him... To that he got a response from my ex " you are a good son". Two days later he told him he mailed out his winnings to my son. When I went to the mailbox yesterday there was a handwritten envelope with a bright return address label on it! He made a big deal about not saying anything to his mom... And my son is furious and feels he has been used in his game playing. My son wants to call him out on it with the following text":Although as much as I thank you for the pool and all involved. I do not appreciate that you would send the check with such a bold return address knowing that my mom would see it the day before valentines day. Just because you have your false rendition of things does not mean that you need to play games with her and drag her through the mud nor will I tolerate being a part of them."I know how much he has hurt my son... But I still am not sure i do not want the relationship and I am worried about him sending it... But I also feel that my son needs to respond to what he sees as bad treatment even if I don't with him at times... .  What should I do? Let him send it or not? What damage he has done to me and my son who has seen him do this 4 times to me since he was 10.

[jhr1131]

I have been dealing with the silent treatment for two months. I got an angry mixed with love email accusing me of having an affair at work... Or more so that I had defended another teacher of the opposite sex and he made it into an affair... An elaborate story combining all kinds of things he feels were connected between us in the last few months. This is the 4th time in our 10 year relationship that he has accused and given me the silent treatment for 3 - 4 months and then came back. He is completely alone this time . Since the last time he did this 4 years ago he has stopped talking to his 18 year old daughter for " what she did" and does not speak to either of his brothers. He retired at 48 and now at 50 sits in the house becoming more paranoid and seems to be getting worse. He has only one friend that he hardly talks to that has told him to get counseling.well about 2 weeks ago he texted my son and told him not to tell me. He had bought him a Super Bowl box . My son is 20 and a really great kid. He kept texting for a few days and my son ended up winning some money in the pool. At some point while texting he asked my ex when he was coming back. My ex responded to that with the " series of events that led to me not to trust your mom"... My son sent back an text explaining that he has it wrong... What a rare gem he has in me and how loyal I am and how much his mom loves him... To that he got a response from my ex " you are a good son". Two days later he told him he mailed out his winnings to my son. When I went to the mailbox yesterday there was a handwritten envelope with a bright return address label on it! He made a big deal about not saying anything to his mom... And my son is furious and feels he has been used in his game playing. My son wants to call him out on it with the following text":Although as much as I thank you for the pool and all involved. I do not appreciate that you would send the check with such a bold return address knowing that my mom would see it the day before valentines day. Just because you have your false rendition of things does not mean that you need to play games with her and drag her through the mud nor will I tolerate being a part of them."I know how much he has hurt my son... But I still am not sure i do not want the relationship and I am worried about him sending it... But I also feel that my son needs to respond to what he sees as bad treatment even if I don't with him at times... .  What should I do? Let him send it or not? What damage he has done to me and my son who has seen him do this 4 times to me since he was 10.

[Surnia]

I feel with you, jhr1131, silent treatment is not easy to deal with! 

I see 2 topics in your post. One is the triangle between you, your son and your h/his father. Your son is a young adult, so he has to find his way with his father. So when he feels the need to send this letter, I would only advise perhaps to sleep one night over it and recommend clear I-statements.

Other issue is you, undecided, with silent treatment and accused to have an affair. Do you know this workshop? BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse..

[jhr1131]

I guess I was not clear... It is not his father . It is my boyfriend of 10 years...

[Surnia]

Sorry, I didn't got that. I think the issue is the more or less the same, your son has to find his way in his rs to your bf.