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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Can / Should you ever forgive a BPD ex  (Read 11048 times)
nolisan
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« on: February 15, 2013, 12:35:47 AM »

 Four months out of a r/s with BPD (or C-PTSD). No contact and healing up. Still oscillating between hating her and missing her but moving towards acceptance. She was really broken (very bad childhold), I was moderately broken = two unhealed brokens don't make a whole.

But one thing still holds me from letting go. She was so damn mean to me so many times. I feel I need to forgive her. Parts of me want to - accept her nastiness was a result of a mental illness - it wasn't personal (?).

Another part of me feels that she was "pure evil" and loved inflicting pain on me. Forgiving "pure evil" contradicts my value system. For example I will never forgive Hilters crimes becasue he had a tough childhood.

Does my struggle make any sense? How have others dealt with this?

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Surnia
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« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2013, 01:57:14 AM »

Yes, your struggle makes sense to me and the question of forgiveness/acceptance is coming regularly here on board. So you are really not alone with this.

I can tell you my approach which is more acceptance than forgiveness. For me the most helpful is shifting my attention from the SO that I feel hate sometimes, to other things. The more I can continue with my life in a satisfying manner the easier it gets. I loose interest to find out if the person did it on purpose or not, I find acceptance by and by.

It could be also interesting just observing in which moments you are feeling some hate and when not.
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nolisan
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« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2013, 02:03:39 AM »

Thanks - that does make sense. I know the more I get out of "victim mode" the better.
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Iced
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« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2013, 02:19:47 AM »

I completely understand your conundrum.

For myself and in regards to my fwBPD, I forgave the fact that they had/has a disorder and in fact, never blamed them on account of the disorder itself.  Being suddenly moody, sulky, whatever I could forgive, and I could even forgive their bouts of jealousy and temper tantrums that flared on account of jealousy and abandonment issues.

However, my 'breaking point' happened when my fwBPD refused to apologize... .  even though they knew and admitted to treating me horribly and in ways unwarranted.  The fact that they wanted to still justify their treatment of me - all said in the same breath - pretty much sealed the deal for me to break off without any more words.

Apologizing isn't and wasn't going to kill them.  In fact, ironically, it might have salvaged what was left of the friendship at that time.

But they didn't and they were self-aware enough at that time that they could.

So basically, they could take responsibility for their own actions... .  and then refused to and then wanted to justify their mistreatment of others... .  and then wanted to pretend like nothing had happened and 'move on' that way.

I forgave them that their BPD made their life hell, but I refused to accept that they were going to use BPD as their excuse to not apologize (and never apologize because not once had they ever apologized during the entire time of the whole hot mess) and to continue hurting others.

I don't know how else to explain it aside from, I wish them well in their life and hope they get better, but I wouldn't get anywhere remotely close to them ever again.

Just because they have BPD doesn't mean the onus and responsibility is NEVER on them and just because they have BPD doesn't mean their actions and words are immediately excused and forgiven and forgotten and that there are no consequences for truly poor behavior.
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GustheDog
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« Reply #4 on: February 15, 2013, 03:18:58 AM »

I completely understand your conundrum.

For myself and in regards to my fwBPD, I forgave the fact that they had/has a disorder and in fact, never blamed them on account of the disorder itself.  Being suddenly moody, sulky, whatever I could forgive, and I could even forgive their bouts of jealousy and temper tantrums that flared on account of jealousy and abandonment issues.

However, my 'breaking point' happened when my fwBPD refused to apologize... .  even though they knew and admitted to treating me horribly and in ways unwarranted.  The fact that they wanted to still justify their treatment of me - all said in the same breath - pretty much sealed the deal for me to break off without any more words.

Apologizing isn't and wasn't going to kill them.  In fact, ironically, it might have salvaged what was left of the friendship at that time.

But they didn't and they were self-aware enough at that time that they could.

So basically, they could take responsibility for their own actions... .  and then refused to and then wanted to justify their mistreatment of others... .  and then wanted to pretend like nothing had happened and 'move on' that way.

I forgave them that their BPD made their life hell, but I refused to accept that they were going to use BPD as their excuse to not apologize (and never apologize because not once had they ever apologized during the entire time of the whole hot mess) and to continue hurting others.

I don't know how else to explain it aside from, I wish them well in their life and hope they get better, but I wouldn't get anywhere remotely close to them ever again.

Just because they have BPD doesn't mean the onus and responsibility is NEVER on them and just because they have BPD doesn't mean their actions and words are immediately excused and forgiven and forgotten and that there are no consequences for truly poor behavior.

I identify with your position here, and have expressed it myself elsewhere.  But I keep getting told that I'm wrong and that pwBPD are not at all responsible for anything they do or say, ever.

I would think that, if true, there wouldn't be any BPDs in treatment or recovery, as those things will necessarily require taking responsibility for their actions. 

I believe that, at any given time, it is extremely difficult for them to acknowledge or own their mistakes.  I even believe that in periods of dysregulation it may be impossible - or, similarly, that doing so when calm may trigger dysregulation.  Still, I think it's possible.

Do I cut my exBPDgf slack for her illness?  Absolutely.  More free rope has been thrown her way than anyone else I've ever encountered in my life.  Do I forgive her entirely?  No.
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« Reply #5 on: February 15, 2013, 03:50:05 AM »

The whole 'BPDs in Recovery' bit is what makes me think, also, that it IS possible for pwBPD to be self-aware because like what you said, how else could they be in recovery?

If there is no such thing as self-awareness and the pwBPD being able to be responsible for his or her own actions and reactions, then there is no such thing as 'recovery' or a 'recovered pwBPD'.

You can't have one without the other because if you did, then what, exactly, did the pwBPD 'recover' from in the first place?

In my case, my pwBPD very much asserted that they knew they had treated me and others around them very very poorly.  Are we saying, then, that this assertion is false and the pwBPD therefore has no clue what they're saying and that what they're saying is invalid because they have BPD?

pwBPD can't be blame for having BPD for sure and to a point, I certainly agree that 'they can't help it when they react', but when the pwBPD is asserting that they know what they are doing and that they are purposely being hurtful... .  then what?

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GustheDog
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« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2013, 04:04:56 AM »

The whole 'BPDs in Recovery' bit is what makes me think, also, that it IS possible for pwBPD to be self-aware because like what you said, how else could they be in recovery?

If there is no such thing as self-awareness and the pwBPD being able to be responsible for his or her own actions and reactions, then there is no such thing as 'recovery' or a 'recovered pwBPD'.

You can't have one without the other because if you did, then what, exactly, did the pwBPD 'recover' from in the first place?

In my case, my pwBPD very much asserted that they knew they had treated me and others around them very very poorly.  Are we saying, then, that this assertion is false and the pwBPD therefore has no clue what they're saying and that what they're saying is invalid because they have BPD?

pwBPD can't be blame for having BPD for sure and to a point, I certainly agree that 'they can't help it when they react', but when the pwBPD is asserting that they know what they are doing and that they are purposely being hurtful... .  then what?

In my case, I'm willing to say that my ex probably had little to no control over her reactions to things in the moment.  So, those things are forgiven.

However, she too had the ability to take responsibility for things in retrospect and I witnessed it on several occasions.  She could have had a discussion with me after the fact.  She could have apologized then.  If talking to me was too much of a "trigger," she could have sent a letter.  But I'm just not worth the effort - heck, I don't even exist.

But I think the dilemma is that the only time they have the presence of mind to acknowledge their faults is when they're "stable," and feeling "good."  And focusing on these faults can result in so much shame that they spiral back into dysregulation.

What they should do, when they're feeling leveled out, is make an appointment with a therapist. 
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« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2013, 05:47:41 AM »

I did tell my stbexw that I did forgive her.  In my heart I was able to forgive not her actions, but I was able to forgive the little girl in her who had things happen that no person should deal with.  I forgave that innocent child in her and by doing that it helped me to heal.  I will also say when I forgave her it killed her - she couldn't understand how I could forgive her and I think it added to her own shame.  Realizing that she did throw away a guy who truly loved her like she has never known love.  If you can't forgive the adult try to forgive the child in them (especially if there was any type of abuse) it will help you heal also. If your not prepare to do it in person, maybe do it in a letter that you don't send.
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« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2013, 07:50:51 AM »

I forgive him.

Had to do that for ME because the bitterness was eating ME alive.

So yes... .  I forgive him. That doesn't mean he will ever be in my life again. To allow him back into my world would not be smart. 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you continue to subject yourself to their shenanigans.  

turtle

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« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2013, 07:59:08 AM »

Radical acceptance helped me a lot with forgiving my ex and the fact she apologized to me too many times to count now for her past actions and behavior. It's been awhile since I've been on these boards. I am LC with my ex and all but moved on from her. Things are good Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2013, 08:06:13 AM »

I agree with Turtle. Forgive for your own well being, because I believe that forgiving is a prerequisite to forgetting, and forgetting is where we want to be, right?

A lot easier said than done. It has been almost a year since my divorce and very often I experience anxieties and other negative emotions that have her abuse as its root cause. I get mad all over again. I am counting on time to heal the wounds and to have her memory fade out.

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« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2013, 08:12:24 AM »

 

I completely agree with how confusing this struggle is and identify with each of your responses.  It's so difficult to not take all this "personal" when it has happened to us; how else are we going to take it?  I  did take it personal until I was able to accept the nature of the illness (radical acceptance) at which point I let him go.  I also got the "pure evil" vibe from my ex and to help me get past that... .  I prayed for him.  

I think their refusal to apologize or take responsibility stems from how much they fear being recognized for who they really are; from being discovered.  Acknowledging themselves as having faults would make them a bad person, and since we know there are no shades of grey in their thinking process, being a bad person brings with it a complete sense of shame.  The intense shame and feelings of worthlessness associated with taking responsibility for what they've done is next to impossible for them to reconcile.

However... .  everyone is responsible for their own behavior and being mentally ill is not an excuse for cruelty.  The pain they caused was real.  The things they did and said to us hurt. Their behavior was at least emotionally abusive and perhaps physically so. Just because our pwBPD didn't take responsibility, apologize, or be remorseful doesn't mean they shouldn't have... .  it just means they couldn't.  

We have a choice to forgive regardless of what they choose to do.  Forgiveness is for you.  Unfortunately, they will still be locked in their emotional prison unless and until they acknowledge what they did to us that requires our forgiveness in the first place.

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« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2013, 09:16:24 AM »

Im in a similar thought to Surnia.

14 years out for me with child so had contact for years until child grew into teen.

Some would say im 20 month no contact but it feels more like 20months detached than me actively seeking no contact. No contact takes to much effort in the latter stages of the process ( for me personally)

So onto forgiveness.

Like most here im sure we have/had a minefield of emotions and thoughts to to process and work our way through.

So forgiveness was not my priority at the beginning of detachment. Detachment was my priority within detachment, then my myself became my priority... .  etc etc

Without going through the last 20months as a bullet list, the process begins with us and ends with us. All our thoughts has to be about us (within the circumstance of the situation not life itself and others around us) when and only when we have dealt with US/Ourselves then maybe, just maybe we can be able to process something for the ex. Maybe though, by the time you get to a place of comfort within yourself and your past you probably wont worry about forgiveness or the ex. Maybe at the end healing you, you will want to forgive your ex. Maybe your ex will seek forgivess and you will be able to offer that, maybe you wont. Who knows.

Anything your thinking of offering your ex then offer it to yourself first. Have you forgiven yourself for your part in the relationship?

Again, healing is a process, you cant rush it and you cant miss any steps out or cheat along the way, you cant do it in reverse and most importantly no one else can heal you but you. Sure you can get support and help but it all starts with you.

When you are sorted you can choose what you want to do with your thoughts then.




For me 14 years after the madness and 20months after final contact. do i or have i ever forgiven her for her actions? I dont think i have. i havnt pushed myself for it. But inside i know i forgive her, maybe there is a subtle difference in 'forgiving' someone and allowing 'forgiveness' for your own well being. I guess the things she did/said just dont matter to me and so this ahs maybe lead to my own internal forgiveness of her and her actions towards me.

Im certainly not going to hunt her down so i can verbally announce my forgiveness as i dont think my forgiveness has any bearing on her life/future/past.

Its for me and me only.

I think it comes back to acceptance for ourselves to achieve our goal/s.


Im not to great with words so hope you can make some sense of this reality to help you along your own journey back to health and happiness  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2013, 09:52:29 AM »

I've struggled with this as well.  Sometimes I think I'm making headway and then I'll be reminded of something and get so angry again.  At this point, I'm not sure I could ever forgive him.  I admitted to him all of my faults and mistakes I had made and how I wanted to work on things to become a better girlfriend.  He NEVER communicated any of his issues with me until the bitter end (after devaluing me).  He led me to believe that he wanted to work on things too until he coldly broke up with me a week later and never looked back.  I apologized for my issues.  He NEVER did- just continued to play victim, smear me to mutual friends, blame me for things I had no control over.  He also led me on months later to believe he still cared, only to gaslight me for ever thinking that. 

The last time I saw him, I tried to be civil and he wanted nothing to do with me.  Just looked at me coldly... .  I could never forgive someone who claimed to have loved me for doing that.  It hurt more than the actual breakup. 

He'll never reach out, never apologize- just keep avoiding me so he won't have to look at me or face me. 
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« Reply #14 on: February 15, 2013, 10:17:56 AM »

I agree with Turtle. Forgive for your own well being, because I believe that forgiving is a prerequisite to forgetting, and forgetting is where we want to be, right?

I don't know that forgetting is a realistic goal -- at least it isn't for me.  Because I am human, I will never forget some of the horrific acts of violence that occured.  I don't view that as a sign of not forgiving. I view it as a sign of my acceptance of the reality of what he did.  I also view it as a sign that I'm a survivor!

And... .  on the flip side of that... .  I forgive myself for my part, but I don't forget the things that I did that perpetuated the whole mess.  Sure... .  I did them out of ignorance, but still... .  I did them, and to forget that is not healthy for me.  I no longer dwell on that, but looking at all of that made me realize how I got into that whole mess in the first place.

Forgetting just doesn't seem possible.  Detaching, however, is VERY possible.  I've done that and it's a great place to be.  It doesn't mean I've forgotten some of the horrors, but I have no significant emotional attachment to them anymore. 

Excerpt
He'll never reach out, never apologize- just keep avoiding me so he won't have to look at me or face me. 

 

You're right SarahinMA.  He probably won't ever apologize and if he did, it's likely that it would be some kind of manipulation tactic and not real (that's jmo.)

Forgiveness isn't about them asking for it or even deserving it.  It's about doing it so WE can move on without having that anchor in OUR lives.

I remember so long ago when people would pull the "forgiveness card" (that's what I used to call it.)  I would get so frustrated!  Now... .  YEARS later... .  I get it.  And... .  I can't even tell you how I got to this place, or when I arrived here, but I did... .  one excrutiating day at a time.

turtle

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« Reply #15 on: February 15, 2013, 10:24:06 AM »

I think you can forgive but it takes time. 4 months out is probably not long enough.

I got HUGE apologies and remorse from my uBPDexgf in December. It was quite a production.

I forgave her and then we recycled again Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  At the end I indicated that it kind of made all the apologies look like a joke... .  but really they were sincere.

It has taken me almost 2 years of hell but forgiveness is possible. Forgetting... .  probably not.
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« Reply #16 on: February 15, 2013, 10:50:59 AM »

As a very good friend once told me, forgiveness is not saying that what they did was okay; it’s just saying that we refuse to hold the pain of what they did in our hearts any longer.

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ThrownAway

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« Reply #17 on: February 15, 2013, 10:57:20 AM »

OP, I'm about the same length of time out as you are.  I can really relate to the "pure evil" part.  Mine even told me that she was capable of the whole range of human behavior from evil to greatness.  Who says stuff like this?  I was so shocked at the time and didn't know what to say?   

I'm stuck at this point too and wish I had some great answer for you.  My ex also had a terrible childhood that included sexual abuse.  Her father is a total nutter that probably has more PD's than all our ex's combined    How can I hate someone who went through this when I had such a normal, loving childhood?  How can I forgive someone who took all my love and affection, gave very little in return, and then broke my heart and stabbed me in the back? 

I did tell my stbexw that I did forgive her.  In my heart I was able to forgive not her actions, but I was able to forgive the little girl in her who had things happen that no person should deal with.  I forgave that innocent child in her and by doing that it helped me to heal.  I will also say when I forgave her it killed her - she couldn't understand how I could forgive her and I think it added to her own shame.  Realizing that she did throw away a guy who truly loved her like she has never known love.  If you can't forgive the adult try to forgive the child in them (especially if there was any type of abuse) it will help you heal also. If your not prepare to do it in person, maybe do it in a letter that you don't send.

This is good advice and I'm REALLY trying to do this, but how do we reconcile what I wrote above?
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« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2013, 10:59:26 AM »

As a very good friend once told me, forgiveness is not saying that what they did was okay; it’s just saying that we refuse to hold the pain of what they did in our hearts any longer.

This is a beautiful answer.  Thanks for posting this.
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SarahinMA
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« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2013, 11:54:04 AM »

As a very good friend once told me, forgiveness is not saying that what they did was okay; it’s just saying that we refuse to hold the pain of what they did in our hearts any longer.

I know that any apologies I would receive from him would be lies- he never once apologized for any of his actions the entire time we dated.  Plus, he admitted that he always told me what I wanted to hear.  To him now, I'm nothing- not worthy of an apology. 

I really really want to reach the point of letting go of all the pain, anger, and hurt, but I'm not sure how.  I trusted him, loved him unconditionally, wasn't perfect, but tried to be the best girlfriend I could.  I opened up to him in more ways that I've been, was more vulnerable than I've ever been and I keep feeling this sense of just unfairness... .  why did this happen?  I know, I know... .  I'm still riding the wave of emotions after being severely traumatized in this relationship.  I just want to reach that point of acceptance once and for all. 
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« Reply #20 on: February 15, 2013, 12:04:36 PM »

I know what you mean. I thuoght my gal was evil too. I thought she was NPD. My father was abusive. He and I got into a fight. Afterwards I started crying about it, she hugged me, and cryed with me, because she could relate. A person with NPD could not have done this. Is she evil?. Is a young thoughtless child evil? NO!.   
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« Reply #21 on: February 15, 2013, 12:43:18 PM »

I have great compassion for my H. he's finally made an appt with a psych doctor, and we are in the midst of divorce.

I don't know what his psych eval will point to-if anything, maybe he just wants sleeping aids.  Maybe he will just charm the dr with his NPD. and feel vindicated after one appt-that it's really ALL my fault.

Maybe he will get some help for his bipolar (that was his dx years ago) or depression. Who knows?

I forgave him his violent and crazy behaviors. But I do not forget.

What I am seeing here in these posts is that we all gave and gave and gave. We loved and loved and tolerated really abusive actions.

We called it unconditional love but was it? Was our "condition" that they SEE our Love and make those changes for US, ultimately? that they become "fixed" through time-and with Our Love?

And when they didn't and couldn't did we blame them? I know I did.

I'm not saying it's wrong-but we probably had hidden conditions built into our Unconditional Love.

GL

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SarahinMA
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« Reply #22 on: February 15, 2013, 12:55:45 PM »

I have great compassion for my H. he's finally made an appt with a psych doctor, and we are in the midst of divorce.

I don't know what his psych eval will point to-if anything, maybe he just wants sleeping aids.  Maybe he will just charm the dr with his NPD. and feel vindicated after one appt-that it's really ALL my fault.

Maybe he will get some help for his bipolar (that was his dx years ago) or depression. Who knows?

I forgave him his violent and crazy behaviors. But I do not forget.

What I am seeing here in these posts is that we all gave and gave and gave. We loved and loved and tolerated really abusive actions.

We called it unconditional love but was it? Was our *condition* that they SEE our Love and make those changes for US, ultimately? that they become *fixed* through time-and with Our Love?

And when they didn't and couldn't did we blame them? I know I did.

I'm not saying it's wrong-but we probably had hidden conditions built into our Unconditional Love.

GL

All I know was, at the time I thought it was unconditional love.  Now, I see it more as ignoring red flags.  Things he said- bad-mouthing people, rudeness, etc. I tolerated because I told myself that I loved him. 
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« Reply #23 on: February 15, 2013, 02:49:56 PM »

How can I ever forgive someone who has smashed all my dreams.   Who has denied the fact that we were each others' just about perfect lifetime companion.  I can feel sorry for him for not being able to have a relationship with anyone AND, more importantly, not being able to see that HE IS the source of his own inability to establish a relationship with someone. We get only a few chances in life to find someone who we really click with.  Most of us grab onto that when we get it.  BPD people can't do that.  It is their horror of life, but they don't even understand how bad it is. 
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« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2013, 04:22:01 PM »

As my T is fond of saying: "I'm sorry but if she's asking for 'forgiveness' well I missed that part." My ex certainly is not so it's a moot point.
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« Reply #25 on: February 15, 2013, 04:28:15 PM »

I admitted to him all of my faults and mistakes I had made and how I wanted to work on things to become a better girlfriend.  He NEVER communicated any of his issues with me until the bitter end (after devaluing me).  He led me to believe that he wanted to work on things too until he coldly broke up with me a week later and never looked back.  I apologized for my issues.  He NEVER did- just continued to play victim, smear me to mutual friends, blame me for things I had no control over.  He also led me on months later to believe he still cared, only to gaslight me for ever thinking that. 

The last time I saw him, I tried to be civil and he wanted nothing to do with me.  Just looked at me coldly... .  I could never forgive someone who claimed to have loved me for doing that.  It hurt more than the actual breakup. 

He'll never reach out, never apologize- just keep avoiding me so he won't have to look at me or face me. 

I lived every word of this. The day before my ex sealed me out of her life, she said, "I'm not going anywhere." But not just that - I mean I lived every single word of this. What a nightmare.
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« Reply #26 on: February 16, 2013, 01:33:04 PM »

I have great compassion for my H. he's finally made an appt with a psych doctor, and we are in the midst of divorce.

I don't know what his psych eval will point to-if anything, maybe he just wants sleeping aids.  Maybe he will just charm the dr with his NPD. and feel vindicated after one appt-that it's really ALL my fault.

Maybe he will get some help for his bipolar (that was his dx years ago) or depression. Who knows?

I forgave him his violent and crazy behaviors. But I do not forget.

What I am seeing here in these posts is that we all gave and gave and gave. We loved and loved and tolerated really abusive actions.

We called it unconditional love but was it? Was our *condition* that they SEE our Love and make those changes for US, ultimately? that they become *fixed* through time-and with Our Love?

And when they didn't and couldn't did we blame them? I know I did.

I'm not saying it's wrong-but we probably had hidden conditions built into our Unconditional Love.

GL

One of my last notes to her (before I knew about BPD) was "I can no longer tolerate your sudden extreme mood swings. She explained it simply - she was a Scorpio

All I know was, at the time I thought it was unconditional love.  Now, I see it more as ignoring red flags.  Things he said- bad-mouthing people, rudeness, etc. I tolerated because I told myself that I loved him. 

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« Reply #27 on: July 03, 2014, 09:04:26 PM »

Having been quasi recycled... .  I allowed it with eyes open after 3 months of NC and LC ... .abuse and painted blacker then night.  The honeymoon... .didnt last long. Nothing... .really... .had changed. Shes still an addict and alcoholic in-spite of her ex new bf attempts at sobriety for her. She still gaslights beyond belief. I sit and listen, look at her... .and Im incredulous. I walk on the most fragile of eggshells in her presence. I accepted the most nefarious cuckolding and convinced myself its just her disorder.  I forgive her, and I see the little girl in her soo many times when shes somewhat NOT dysregulated. But she lies and then projects... and yet again... .I believe im black. Its almost comical if it were not so tragic.

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« Reply #28 on: July 03, 2014, 09:26:52 PM »

I'm six weeks out after a 27 year marriage and two kids, etc., etc. She texted me about four weeks ago that I'm no longer her soul mate. How do you ever forgive that? No one could ever say anything more cruel. I'd rather take the physical abuse from her repeatedly than hear that. I'm just crushed.
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« Reply #29 on: July 03, 2014, 10:25:18 PM »

My experience is that BPD's never anpologize, they blame EVERYTHING on others, so ... .since they do nothing wrong why would they apologize?

I identify with the miss/hate situation... .but acceptance of something that I will never fully understand has been what I have worked toward.

As far as forgiveness goes... the one person I have to forgive is me.  This person showed me in so many ways with their actions who they actually were when I first met them, but I decided to ignore all of that information and then to listen to and believe their victim story and invent my own true love story which was far removed from reality.  I find it very difficult to forgive me for being instrumental is causing myself so much agony.
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