Even the good memories have started turning sour

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

For instance, I used to think it was cute when she would dress up in my clothes and walk around my home.  Shoes, pants and all.  All too big for her.

It didn't happen often.  Maybe 5 times throughout the relationship.

Now, when I put that memory in the context of she has the "emotional maturity of a 5 year old,"  it's absolutely something a 5 year old would do.

And I don't think she di it for humor sake.  She'd walk around like that for quite a while.

I used to think it was analagous to a high school girlfriend wearing a guy's football jacket.  I was like "she's mine", accompanied by a warm and fuzzy feeling.  But now I wonder if she was just playing dress up.

I remember little things like this every once in a while which help piece together the puzzle of it all.  Yeah, I know, move on.  But understanding it all, integrating the disjointed collage of images and emotions, helps me more than just trying to forget about it.

It's weird how the memories of certain things (like what I just posted above) were pushed way back in my mind because the more pressing having-my-heart-stomped-on-and-crushed thing distracted me from the less painful memories.

A repressed memory emerges occasionally and I now see it in a whole different context having learned so much about BPD.

[struggli]

For instance, I used to think it was cute when she would dress up in my clothes and walk around my home.  Shoes, pants and all.  All too big for her.

It didn't happen often.  Maybe 5 times throughout the relationship.

Now, when I put that memory in the context of she has the "emotional maturity of a 5 year old,"  it's absolutely something a 5 year old would do.

And I don't think she di it for humor sake.  She'd walk around like that for quite a while.

I used to think it was analagous to a high school girlfriend wearing a guy's football jacket.  I was like "she's mine", accompanied by a warm and fuzzy feeling.  But now I wonder if she was just playing dress up.

I remember little things like this every once in a while which help piece together the puzzle of it all.  Yeah, I know, move on.  But understanding it all, integrating the disjointed collage of images and emotions, helps me more than just trying to forget about it.

It's weird how the memories of certain things (like what I just posted above) were pushed way back in my mind because the more pressing having-my-heart-stomped-on-and-crushed thing distracted me from the less painful memories.

A repressed memory emerges occasionally and I now see it in a whole different context having learned so much about BPD.

[GustheDog]

Interestingly, I tend to remember more good things and discount the bad.  I think your approach is healthier.

My ex still has a ton of my clothes.  She used my boxers and t-shirts as pajamas.

[mitti]

For a few months before the breakup a week ago, it seemed bad memories were easier to remember and now that we are broken up I only want to remember the bad, it's just so much easier that way.

My ex used my car, my money, my contacts, my generosity

[trevjim]

I wish I could remember that bad, the good ones pop in my head, and I have to think of a bad one to counter that

[mitti]

That's exactly what I do also, if I come to think of something good and immediately feel I miss him but as soon as I think of something bad, I am glad I am out. And thankfully not that often good memories pop into my head any more.

[nedm]

I keep remembering all the good times early on and it's so hard!

I have to force myself to remember the constant bad times which I even sometimes find myself doubting!

Luckily a few months before the end of the relationship when i discovered BPD I started keeping a diary of all her abuse and attacks at me and this huge list really helps me focus on how bad it actually was!

This also triggers the sad memories that i used to get when seeing other happy couples and wishing that i was with someone different, someone who wouldnt be so nasty all the time! This also helps me realise that is was anhappy/unhealthy relationship.

[Wooddragon]

All my good memories are tainted by the knowledge that they were all a lie - or a fantasy at best - and now he is busy recreating those wonderful feelings with someone else. Given that he is still regularly telling me that I am the love of his life (when his ego needs fixing) I'm now wondering if he was having similar communications with his other exes that he is still in contact with while I was the one who was being wooed in "phoneymoon" land... .  

[turtle]

Long, long ago... .  in a land far, far away, I was packing for a 2 day business trip.  As I put each item in my suitcase, he would take each item out saying "oh, I don't want you to go. Please don't go.  I'm not going to let you go!"  Way back then, I found that kind of sweet although even then, I found the intensity of that moment odd.

Years later, I learned the hard way that this was not a "sweet" moment.  It was a precursor to a hellacious life.  All of the "good memories" I held onto for so long have been exposed for what they really were.  A twisted mess.  I'm so grateful this is no longer my life!

turtle

[Changed4safety]

Ha... .  another "good memory" that really wasn't--My "wearing his clothes" story:  Once I just grabbed one of his shirts and threw it on for a day around the house.  I am petite and while he isn't a big guy, it was still extra large on me.  His eyes got all soft and he was all, "You're so adorable!"  I was charmed.  About a week later, I did it again, and he got irritated.  "Why are you always wearing my clothes?" he snapped.

Welcome to the Wacky World of BPD.  It's like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, but with screaming, belittling, guilt trips and wall punching.  Wheeee!

[trevjim]

Ha... .  another "good memory" that really wasn't--My "wearing his clothes" story:  Once I just grabbed one of his shirts and threw it on for a day around the house.  I am petite and while he isn't a big guy, it was still extra large on me.  His eyes got all soft and he was all, "You're so adorable!"  I was charmed.  About a week later, I did it again, and he got irritated.  "Why are you always wearing my clothes?" he snapped.

Welcome to the Wacky World of BPD.  It's like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, but with screaming, belittling, guilt trips and wall punching.  Wheeee!

Mine too used to wear my tops and sleep in my t shirts, I thought it was sweet. When I last saw her she came out the house to give my some belongings and she was wearing her new boyfriends top.

Its almost as if its a comfort blanket or toy for them

[recoil]

Mine too used to wear my tops and sleep in my t shirts, I thought it was sweet. When I last saw her she came out the house to give my some belongings and she was wearing her new boyfriends top.

Its almost as if its a comfort blanket or toy for them

Object constancy?

[Changed4safety]

Maybe... .  mine was big into stuffed animals, certain pieces of jewelry and specific shirts.  It could have been that it wasn't me wearing his shirts in general that set him off, but perhaps the one I chose the second time.  Who can say? 

[Truth in Ruin]

My ex BPD gal would do some of the cutest things ever. I remember the good times more so than bad. Maybe that means i have a big heart. whatever, just typing thoughts.

[turtle]

My ex BPD gal would do some of the cutest things ever. I remember the good times more so than bad. Maybe that means i have a big heart. whatever, just typing thoughts.

Nothing wrong with remembering the good.  Of course there were good times or none of us would have been involved in the first place, right?

As long as we keep it all in balance.  The good and the bad too.  It's all part of the same dysfunctional person.

turtle

[trevjim]

Its funny, a while back i was looking through some photos of her (not a good idea!) and there were some great ones and it made me really miss her, until one came up, it was of her on a merry go round with her son, she had a face like thunder, i think it was the moment i was caught as opposed to how she felt that time, but it was a face i saw too much and it helped remind me of the bad times too.

[trouble11]

Funny how once we get the BPD thing the things they did take on new meaning.  Mine used to look over at me ALL the time while we were watching TV.  It was to the point of being distracting.  During a half hour show he'd snap his head in my direction it 5 or 6 times.  I thought at the time he was checking to make sure I was enjoying myself.  Now I think he was checking my reaction to things in the show to determine how he should react.  It was one of his weirder and no longer so cute habits.

[trevjim]

Funny how once we get the BPD thing the things they did take on new meaning.  Mine used to look over at me ALL the time while we were watching TV.  It was to the point of being distracting.  During a half hour show he'd snap his head in my direction it 5 or 6 times.  I thought at the time he was checking to make sure I was enjoying myself.  Now I think he was checking my reaction to things in the show to determine how he should react.  It was one of his weirder and no longer so cute habits.

How strange mine did that too! she would just keep looking at me, and when asked why, she would say somethings like 'oh i love you' or 'your so good looking' and then kiss me. But if i gave her like a 'why do you keep looking at me' she would get annoyed an either throw a tantrum or walk out the room

[GustheDog]

Its funny, a while back i was looking through some photos of her (not a good idea!) and there were some great ones and it made me really miss her, until one came up, it was of her on a merry go round with her son, she had a face like thunder, i think it was the moment i was caught as opposed to how she felt that time, but it was a face i saw too much and it helped remind me of the bad times too.

I went through our photos chronologically from the beginning of our relationship to the end (2.5 yrs). In the beginning, her smile stretches from ear to ear, and she is positively glowing. Then I looked at some photos from about six months before we broke up. She's still smiling in most of them, and things were still good for us at that point. But something was different. The smiles look a little more contrived and a little less natural, and there is also something different about her eyes. And in one photo – a candid pic – I'm looking at a third person in the other direction, but she is looking right at me – rather, she is glaring at me as though she'd like to cut my throat.

I have considered that perhaps I am reading too much into this, but, then again, she looks quite different over time.

[Wooddragon]

Gusthedog - I have observed exactly the same thing - the genuine smile of love in the early photos replaced by a rictus grin (or snarl) later on. They actually look like different people.

[GustheDog]

Gusthedog - I have observed exactly the same thing - the genuine smile of love in the early photos replaced by a rictus grin (or snarl) later on. They actually look like different people.

What is interesting to me, though, is that even the later photos – where her appearance is different - came well before the hater phase. As I perceived it, things were still going great for us at that time. I mean, it would be several months after these last photos were taken that she would start asking me to propose to her. Very strange.

[trouble11]

I think they can hide the hater phase for awhile.  I only got one hater look before he left.  I interrupted him texting (recycling) ex gf.  Got more hater looks a few days later when he came back to get his stuff.