An issue i have with jealousy

[trevjim]

Ok so my exBPD, got with an ex of hers the days after we split, i was of course hit with jealousy as i believe anyone would be this soon after breaking up with someone you really cared/loved.

however that type of jealousy has subsided and replaced with a new one, Im jealouse because the last i heard, was that she and him are really happy. If she didnt have BPD she would probably be the perfect girlfriend, crazy hot, good humor, intimate, caring, thoughtfull etc. It upsets me that he seems to have the good side to her and not the bad side i got.

I guess i should be happy for her, but at the same time i dont want her to be ok, i want her to show her BPD behaviours to him (he was a jerk to me when we split, sent me messages about them shagging and always had a smerk on his face when i came to pick up belongings etc)

It does scare me that she has got her BPD under control with him, maybe he triggers her less or something.

How do i let go of this jealousy?

[Confuzzled104]

hey there bud,

Jealousy... .  I remember that green eyed monster from long ago I have been 9 months out of a 3 yr relationship with an uBPD ex gf. Trust me I got a really hard dose of it from her cheating and being a terrible liar and me just being skeptical about everything with her. The best thing you can do honestly is just ignore her because what they want is attention and if they see you upset at their success then they will keep on rubbing it in your face.

When I broke up with my ex she sent me a text literally 2 weeks later that she was dating again and wanted me to know. I ignored it as NC goes and then she escalated bringing her new boyfriends to my job to tote them around like little pets to make me jealous. It was quite pathetic honestly to see someone I cared so much about try and hurt me like that.

Long story short try and release the jealousy, focus on YOU now. You are no longer attached to her and have to learn to rediscover who YOU are again... .  That was the hardest part for me at first when I was detaching.

It took me a while to really feel like my old self again and I can honestly say Jealousy sucks and the trick to being a great relationship is not to seek to fall in love, but to be able to stand in love.

When you fall in love you obsess over the object of your affection which leads to jealousy and mate guarding. Standing in love is appreciating the aspects of you and your partners freedom letting them go understanding that they will come back to you and will not hurt you. This is what is needed in a great relationship that lasts.

I hope these thoughts helped a little,

Confuzzled

[Take2]

Don't be fooled by their current happiness... .  

I don't know how long you were with her before you saw the disordered behaviors come out,  but I knew my ex for over a year before his first rage struck.

Know that it will happen to him too... .  and be glad you got out... .  

[trevjim]

Thank you for your replies cufuzzled and take2.

I dont want her back, at first i did, but as a bit of time passed i started to think straight.

I just dont want him to have what i tried so hard to get, without any effort. I know I shouldnt think like that, and I do try to forget about it, it just seems to be a thorn in myside right now.

(it is difficault to put a time scale on when her behaviours came out, as she was in a really stressfull situation when we first started dating, so they where actually worse then. Also we both had really killer jobs, night shifts, evenings, 14 hour days, couple that with trying to look after a toddler, it was really stressfull which just added to it. eventually we did get better jobs and things settled down and her BPD wasnt as bad, but it was still there and came up just not as frequently)

[recoil]

I'm going through this as well.  My gut tells me there is a replacement in her life already.  It's unconfirmed, and frankly, at this point, none of my business (I keep having to remind myself of this).

All of us got to enjoy the idealization phase.  I bet the guy she dated before me was hating the joy I temporarily had with her -- and probably didn't know anything about BPD.  She once told me he called her asking how she was doing, if she was satisfied with the new relationship.  It was about three months after we started dating (idealization phase was about seven months).  I'm wondering if his call was timed based on his personal idealization phase experience with her.  Interesting.

The guy before him, someone I used to work with a long time ago, was with her for six years and hated five of those years.  He's the father of her two children.  When I started dating her, he wanted to pull me aside to warn me.  He was unaware of BPD.  He just thinks "she's crazy".  I still haven't told him about BPD, as I don't want to be involved with any kind of custody fight he might want to bring due to the disorder (again, not my business -- must keep reminding myself).

My point is, our EXs' next victim/volunteer will enjoy the idealization phase and then get his/her world rocked, as we all did.  Nothing personal -- and certainly not to be envied (devaluation stage).  Will the next person enjoy the idealization phase forever?  If they are truly disordered, no.  The cycle will repeat.

Again, I am jealous because I wanted her to be with me, in the idealization phase, forever.  Ain't going to happen though.  Not with me, not with anyone else.  The proof is in the pudding.  We were together for approximately a year and a half the idealization phase ended after seven months.  It's not something that can be sustained - with anyone.

At least we are empowered with the knowledge of what is wrong (the disorder and our part in the dance).  We can work on ourselves and move on to better, more healthy relationships.  Think of all the other people in the discarded wake of someone with BPD who doesn't have our knowledge, tools and support of others in-the-know.

I'm just rambling.  Again, I'm in the same boat.  Just trying to think broader.

[just_think]

Really good post recoil.  It helped iron some things out for me.

I also have a big problem with jealousy.  Like, no other man should give her attention.  It comes from low self esteem, anxiety and a history of dating disordered women - all things I'm working on right now. I hear that when you date someone who isn't disordered that it isn't as bad because they aren't doing things to trigger the jealousy.

[recoil]

 I hear that when you date someone who isn't disordered that it isn't as bad because they aren't doing things to trigger the jealousy.

I can speak from experience.  My late wife, who I was with fourteen years, never made me jealous or brought out my insecurities.  She was a very beautiful woman, just like my EX but I never cared if she spoke with other guys.  She made me feel secure at all times.  She included me and my feelings into her life.  She freely gave me love.  I never felt the threat of abandonment.

Outside of the idealization phase, my EX took from me.  She did not reciprocate my feelings.  This caused my insecurities to pop up.  I wasn't skilled at detachment (I just started working on that recently).  I had no need for these types of tools because my previous relationship was a healthy one.

[nowwhatz]

Don't be fooled by their current happiness... .  

I don't know how long you were with her before you saw the disordered behaviors come out,  but I knew my ex for over a year before his first rage struck.

Know that it will happen to him too... .  and be glad you got out... .  

I agree but it is easy for forget.

They are not happy. I think one of the toughest things is knowing how miserable they are and realizing anything we try to do to 'help' (which might work with a 'normal' person) actually makes them worse.

I used to have a problem with jealousy but now I feel sorry for any guy who has the misfortune to be with her.

[angelica_evil]

I cannot speak for everyone, but it absolutely is the disordered person who brings about the jealousy in me. I think it's the constant rejection, the idealization flip flopping to devaluation so quick, and the fact that they go out of their way to hurt us with careless words and actions, that tend to make us insecure about their feelings and where we stand with them.

My ex husband, who I left for my BPDbf, was mostly well adjusted (aside from on and off depression). He is a super good looking guy, works out, treated me with nothing but kindness, took care of me financially when I became injured, and despite working with females and on female clients all day (he owns his own tattoo shop), he never once made me feel insecure, nor did he ever lie to me, not even about anything minor. I don't think i ever once felt a pang of jealousy when it came to him.

However, my BPDbf is another story. He is constantly talking about how much he loves blondes who are tanned and 'super girly' (I have jet black hair and am pale and covered in tattoos). i don't even think it crosses his mind that his words are hurtful, as he is mostly self centered like a lot of other BPDs. My ex husband would see an attractive woman on the street or tv, but then always follow up with something about me that he liked. My bf now will see a picture that I posted of say, me and my best friend, and then say something like, 'oh, J (my best friend) looks super pretty in that picture!, or he will talk about physical attributes of my friends and sister, or girls online, and say nothing at all about me, or anything he likes about me physically. I am 6 ft tall and very 'leggy', and I know I have nice legs, I am told this pretty much daily by strangers and used to model pantyhose for a catalog, and he will point out if a girl online or we pass in the street has nice legs, but never ever mention mine.

So because of his seeming lack of appreciation of me physically, I am constantly insecure. I am not sure if he is utterly tactless or what, or he even thinks the things he says through, but it almost makes me feel needy and like I am in constant need of validation because of the way he is, when I know I am not that 'type'. I guess we can safely assume that disordered people tend to be able to pull bad traits out of us that we do not otherwise possess.

[wondering128]

Ok, I have some questions and some comments after reading this discussion. Regarding what trevjim said, I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I even think that maybe it was my fault that my exBPD was so disorderes, that maybe I didn't know how to cope with his problem and I just made it worse, and that his new girl (also a forme bf) is better at dealing with those issues. But I agree that it does not mean that "he changed", sooner or later he will start having disordered behaviours again. But my question is: if the ex knows (or at least, should know) how he truly is, why would she want him back? maybe he was different with her?

Also, I have the impression that he hates me and hates most of his former GF. So, if he already tried it with her, and it didn't work, why is he going back to her? I thought they just went on to the next "victim" without looking back if they know that the person they were with cannot "rescue them", so I do not understand why they go back to former GF/BF (as I see that has happened a lot, based on what I read in here)

Now, regarding jealousy (which I'm feeling in a quite heavy way right now), what angelica_evil said caught my eye, and I actually wanted to write you, angelica_evil, to explain what happended to me and maybe it will help you. My exBPD bf brought out jealousy in me too, and I was already a jealous person, now I'm just a train wreck. However, what happened was this: he did say nice things to me, and thought I was beautiful, etc, BUT he thought that it made him weak to do so. He told me things like "you think you're too pretty, so I'm just the stupid boyfriend drooling over you, always telling you how pretty you are" or things like that. He thought that I was going to get arrogant and cooky because he told me nice things ( I actually have very low self-esteem, and it got worse after our relationship, so it is not true that I was walking thinking how hot I am, nor any of those things), and he felt stupid saying nice things to me, because he thought that made him weak and pathetic. So maybe your BF doesn't say things to you because he thinks that is going to make you arrogant, because it makes him feel stupid, or maybe he thinks you'll dump him if you think you can get someone better than him "because you're so hot", so he doesn't want you to think positively about yourself, and says things about other women so that YOU are the one feeling insecure, thinking that he might prefer someone else, and maybe he wants to make you think something like "Oh, I'm so lucky to be with him, 'cause he chose me instead of those girls" while not feeling like he is "the stupid boyfriend" but someone who is "in control".

At least that was what my former BPD did and he told me he felt that way and many times looked at me with anger when he felt I was looking pretty. So I don't know if I made my point clear, sorry, lots of thoughts coming to me right now.

And on a (even more) personal note, I would loveeee to be covered in tattoos and have long legs like you do (I can't have tattoos because of my family). So be proud of yourself

[struggli]

Really good post recoil.  It helped iron some things out for me.

I also have a big problem with jealousy.  Like, no other man should give her attention.  It comes from low self esteem, anxiety and a history of dating disordered women - all things I'm working on right now. I hear that when you date someone who isn't disordered that it isn't as bad because they aren't doing things to trigger the jealousy.

Yeah.  I remember I'd get pissed if a guy was just talking to her and she was smiling.  But sometimes I could tell she was eating up his attention and I ceased to exist for that moment. 

I was with her at work one time and a guy walked in and started hitting on her.  And she was just playing along.  You could tell the guy was getting a buzz from thinking he was making progress and she was just eating up his attention. 

Then she showed him the ring I bought her (I had to train her to do this -- to help create an easy boundary) he looked over at me about 10 feet away and quickly left.

Even that interaction slightly pissed me off (it was probably the BEST jealousy-invoking situation I had with her) because of the glowing orgasmic energy emitted from her that a guy was trying to ask her out.  Even though she ended the interaction, the preceding moments were a sign of a girl who leads on every guy until she remembers she had a bf or is reminded she's not supposed to be doing that.

But, yeah... .  

If it had been a non-disordered gf I may have blinked.

But after she had:

left me 3 months into the relationship to go back to her ex

fed her boss candy

played grab ass with another ex

told me everyone should flirt

constantly receive/send texts to/from other guys

needed space to go drink/party

to name a few...

... .  after all that, I became the eagle eye, watching for any subtlety of suggestive behavior.

After BU, I wondered if that jealousy I expressed was what ended the relationship.

My T says:  Why don't you stop obsessing over whether or not you were too jealous and just find a girl who doesn't make you obsess over whether or not you are too jealous. 

And maybe he's right.  But after this relationship, I don't know if I can find that.

I've come to believe "If I find her attractive, so do many other guys, therefore she will behave in the same flirty, not-happy-with-just-struggli kind of way."

Hopefully that's not true.

[just_think]

I think it is counter-productive to say that our exes made us jealous.  That implies that they have some control over us.  Own your emotions.  Accept them.  Work on what you can and get better at it.  

That being said, perhaps they are better at triggering that emotion in you (and that is perfectly reasonable).  But maybe sit with the jealousy, observe it and see where it is coming from.  

I'm not sure myself... .  

[angelica_evil]

Thank you so much for your reply Wondering, and it actually makes perfect sense. I noticed, that BEFORE we hooked up, during our 10 years of friendship before that, he would throw flirtations and compliments towards me left and right. He also does this to random women online that he never met, or never sees. I have been going along this whole time thinking that maybe he doesn't even find me attractive, and actually does prefer the antithesis of what I look like. Now, what you said makes perfect sense of it all. He is VERY insecure, and absolutely loves to cut other people down (as well as me). he constantly (at least daily) speaks of great disdain for 'b**ches who look good and know they look good'. He referred to a woman my ex husband works with, and said, 'I bet he cheated on you with her. she is yummy.' (not having any clue as to how loyal my ex husband was to me!), and I know he said this out of pure jealousy on his end, because he is ragingly jealous when it comes to me. Thank you for your insight, I have some definite ruminating to do over this, but in a good way! :-)

[wondering128]

Glad I could help, angelica_evil! My exBPD bf was also EXTREMELY jealous so I can relate to a lot of the things you're saying! He also gave compliments to women online and he had the same opinion regarding "b**ches who look good and know they look good" , I guess they fear we can become one of those "btches" if they keep saying nice things to us. So it is not that he doesn't find you attractive, it's just his own insecurity about himself, and that is his particular way to make himself feel more confident!

[seeking balance]

Trevjim,

Last week you wrote a post saying that you didn't understand what it meant to focus on yourself and that you didn't really think there were issues at play leading to your BPD relationship.

This question makes me think you may want to rethink this position - perhaps you already are, yes?

Looking at article 9 -https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm - seems like you may be stuck in one of the 10 False Beliefs.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off.

Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special.

You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes.

You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality.   You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

What was your emotional state when you got involved - were you 100% happy, were you lonely - looking at your own motivations for getting into and staying in a BPD relationship is the way we can let go and heal that part that the BPD's idealization temporarily put a bandaid on.

Peace,

SB

[trevjim]

Trevjim,

Last week you wrote a post saying that you didn't understand what it meant to focus on yourself and that you didn't really think there were issues at play leading to your BPD relationship.

This question makes me think you may want to rethink this position - perhaps you already are, yes?

Looking at article 9 -https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm - seems like you may be stuck in one of the 10 False Beliefs.

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

We often believe that our “BPD” partner is the master of our joy and the keeper of our sorrow. You may feel that they have touched the very depths of your soul. As hard as this is to believe right now, your perspective on this is likely a bit off.

Idealization is a powerful “drug” – and it came along at a time in your life when you were very receptive to it. In time, you will come to realize that your partner’s idealization of you, no matter how sincere, was a courting ritual and an overstatement of the real emotions at the time. You were special – but not that special.

You will also come to realize that a lot of your elation was due to your own receptivity and openness and your hopes.

You will also come to realize that someone coming out of an extended intense and traumatic relationship is often depressed and can not see things clearly. You may feel anxious, confused, and you may be ruminating about your BPD partner. All of this distorts your perception of reality.   You may even be indulging in substance abuse to cope.

What was your emotional state when you got involved - were you 100% happy, were you lonely - looking at your own motivations for getting into and staying in a BPD relationship is the way we can let go and heal that part that the BPD's idealization temporarily put a bandaid on.

Peace,

SB

I was happy when she came into my life, but lonely, my life goal is to fall in love, marrige and kids etc, so when the relationship broke down, my dreams came crashing down too. How do you not be lonely, when you are single?

[seeking balance]

I was happy when she came into my life, but lonely, my life goal is to fall in love, marrige and kids etc, so when the relationship broke down, my dreams came crashing down too. How do you not be lonely, when you are single?

I can relate to this, honestly.  Learning to not be lonely means learning to live in the moment.  This is also tied directly to a firm understanding and belief that we are enough just as we are without having someone else.  Settling for someone less than what we deserve to fill that loneliness in us is really illustrating our "broken self".

From member 2010 - this lonely child post below really hits home.  Heal that lonely self and we no longer get into relationships to heal that for us.  Check out the workshop on this also.

In some relationships, the idealization phase is the partner being in lonely child stance and the Borderline being in abandoned child stance.*Both need saving* Both need attachment to stave off the pain of being alone.  This is one type of bonding seen in this community.

In this bond, both people bring core trauma to the relationship. Mirroring reenacts the earliest childhood experiences to rise up and emerge into consciousness.

In idealization, there is a dual identification and projection for both people that they have found a perfect love- however, one partner (the “lonely child”) does not yet realize that the other partner (the abandoned child= Borderline) has no whole self- and is utilizing a fantasy of a part-time good in order to fuse with the partner's part time good and become one.

The lonely child has spent much of their life becoming “one.”  When a lonely child finds an abandoned child, both parties feel needed. However, rather than truly loving the individuality of both parties- the sad, fantasy aspect of mirroring magnifies the unhealthy *needs* of both people.

When the lonely child begins to question the reality of mirroring (reality testing) this raises core traumas into activation concerning both the questioning (uncertainty) and the hope (unfulfilled expectations) of the unrealistic attachment. "Lack of inherent trust" is found in both parties at this stage.

Reality testing causes the lonely child to pull away because certain things don't add up- as you say, "the idealization phase slowly erodes."

Pulling away, even while in the lap of comfortable luxury- triggers the abandoned child issues of the Borderline. This causes panic reactions of clinging behaviors by the Borderline to prevent the retreat of their desired love object. These immature demands can look like entitlement to others, especially to a lonely child, who has learned early on to be self sufficient and to self soothe- but the entitlement markers are highly charged and emotional to a Borderline, which isn’t Narcissistic grandiosity- it’s ego deficiency and panic.

The entitlement phase brings a hidden "angry and aggressive child" out from hibernation and into full view and this usually occurs when the lonely child least expects it.  The angry child that emerges is pissed and has delusions of persecution that are ideas of reference from earlier childhood trauma. It’s at this point that the angry child (Borderline) will become enraged and try to cast off shame.  They may attempt to harm himself/herself in order to scapegoat the lonely child- who unwittingly stands-in for the earliest attachment.  This triggers the lonely child's trauma from their earliest attachment as well.

The Borderline wants so badly to be whole that they demand that the lonely child create wholeness for them- which the partner succeeds in doing early on but then relaxes. The Borderline temper tantrum, with its ideas of reference being so very childlike and fantastic, perceives the relaxation of the partner as though the attachment is split up. In order to cope, the Borderline must now find another part time perceived good object to self medicate the emotions of feeling badly from the split.  If this cannot be accomplished, the surge of limbic fear concerning anger and abandonment causes such great pain that self harm is often inflicted for relief.

The lonely child is often very surprised by this. The anger and dysregulation are in contrast to what he/she perceives are necessary for the circumstances. (The lonely child fails to see need disguised as "love."  Therefore, the lonely child seeks to understand the Borderlines ideas of reference concerning "love" in order to cope with the neediness and begins a line of questioning.  The Borderline retreats.

Lonely child is "understanding driven" and gets drawn into the Borderline acting out. The lonely child now has a mystery- the Borderline dilemma of "who am I?" This is very likely the same way that the lonely child came into existence as an “understanding driven” child. Especially when he questioned the motives of his earliest attachments during infancy and adolescence.

The lonely child *understands* the need to be held, loved and understood – because that’s what he longs for in others. The lonely child feels that in order to deal with acting out of the Borderline- the lonely child must project the aura of grace, compassion and understanding upon the Borderline and also guide, teach and show the way- because after all, that’s what the lonely child would want someone to do for him. There was a large reason that the initial mirroring (of this fixer /rescuer ego) worked so well in the idealization stage- the relationship really WAS the projection of lonely child that was mirrored, not the deficient ego of the Borderline.

In the "upside down" world of the Borderline, the lonely child is the perfect attachment to fuse to and the hypersensitive Borderline is the perfect mystery for the lonely child to try to understand.  This is the reactivation of a childhood dynamic- that forms a needy bond.

The Borderline is a perfect template with which to and identify with as a good object and also one to invest in to feel better about the “self.”

The understanding driven lonely child "imagines" (projects) onto the Borderline what he/she feels the Borderline identifies with. The lonely child often fills in the blanks with projective identification and the Borderline attempts to absorbs this- but it's impossible to appear as a self-directed person while taking cues and mirroring another self directed partner.

The Borderline scrambles to keep up with what is projected in a chameleon like manner.  All of this pressure to adapt and conform to the projection smothers and defeats the Borderline’s yearning for a perfect bond and triggers engulfment failure. 

Engulfment also means loss of control, annihilation fantasies and shame.  Shame activates the punitive parent that resides in their inner world, their psyche. The attachment failure has now become shame based for the Borderline.  It will soon become guilt driven for the lonely child partner.

Engulfment makes Borderlines very frustrated and angry- but Borderlines fear abandonment and choose to stuff away their fear and compulsively attempt to manage their pain. The impulsive gestures are a form of self harm that fixes the bond in a permanent chaos of action/reaction. 

Borderlines can be avoidant and passive aggressive and will do everything in their power to hide their strong emotions until they implode.  They swing wildly from abandoned child to angry child until they deflate into detached protector- who is basically a mute that doesn’t speak- or worse, speaks in word salad when confronted.

The swinging dysregulation pattern is unable to be separated and individuated and self directed. Because it cannot be self directed, it cannot be self soothed. There is no ability to defer these emotions to logic and reasoning with introspection *without* another person to blame.  This is where Borderlines are showing you the maturity stage at which they are developmentally arrested and remain stuck and frightened.  Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

We all have punitive parents that exist in our heads. This is our Superego.  The criticism felt by both parties exists as guilt and shame inside our heads. This tape plays over and over and is a re-working of former traumas. It is also a huge part of what makes complementary traumas so attractive as binding agents to each other.  The lonely child has the “tyrannical shoulds” while the abandoned child has defectiveness schema- together they interact and drive each other crazy.

The understanding driven child cannot fathom how another human being does not have a “self.”  The understanding driven child has had much childhood experience with strong selves and has created a self to understand the motives of others. Lonely children have a need to have some sort of control over their destiny because so much was out of control in their childhood.

The Borderline’s idea of destiny is being attached to others for protection. The Borderline cannot fathom what it means to have a stand alone “self.”

Both parties are human “doing” for others rather than being- but there is more impulsivity in Borderline in the “offering” of themselves as objects.  (The lonely child is very particular concerning who he gives his heart to and makes decisions based upon careful consideration.)

The failure to find a healthy mature love activates the punitive parent in both people’s psyche- one for persecution and the other for failure to understand others (cloaked in rescuing behaviors)- this is the “flea” of each others psychiatric trauma that really is a very strong obsessive bond, and one of endless victimization for both parties unless one or the other becomes understanding driven toward self direction.  Guess who has the best chance?  Unfortunately, the mirrored good that the Borderline provided was a very strong drug- and the obsession is outwardly projected (as it always has been) by the lonely child in order to understand and consequently, control it.

It’s at this point that spying, engaging in testing and push/pull behaviors occur as both parties fight for control. Each pours salt in the others core wound.

The understanding driven child tries to understand the Borderline and the Borderline feels misunderstood and persecuted. The understanding driven child retreats to repair their ego and the Borderline lashes out and tries to shame him. The pendulum swings back and forth in clinging and hating and disordered thought and chaos. 

The lonely child tries to uncover what they think the Borderline is hiding from them (triggering bouts of paranoia) or missing (creating dependency issues.)  The angry child threatens to destroy the relationship (as well as themselves = self harm) which triggers immense anger and outrage for both parties. Their love object is broken.

Both parties are in pain- and their egos are easy to "pinch" because they both fear abandonment.   At this point, both core traumas are exposed and the partners are no longer interacting with each other except to arouse each other’s trauma wounds from childhood.

The false self of the lonely child, that the Borderline mirrored, has more ego- as it is directly tied to a “self” which involves coping mechanisms from childhood that mirrored back good.  It was a self that was capable and seeming to have all the answers in the beginning.  When the Borderline tries to destroy it as a failed attachment, it begins to crumble and the lonely child retreats and tries to repair it- essentially wounded to the core. This is also part and parcel of the injury of the smear campaign- and the lonely child may try to return to defend the "self" from being attacked.

Trauma for the lonely child occurs mainly because of perceived failure they cannot “understand” enough (essentially an obsession at this point) and trauma for the Borderline occurs because of anger and abandonment and shame that existed since infancy- and persecution by their inner parent superego for not becoming whole. 

At this point, both parties feel like failures.

Unfortunately, the repair for the lonely child’s self consists of trying again to fix the Borderline "mirror" to reflect the good.  Many attempts will be made by the lonely child (once again) to effect an outcome other than the failed attachment.  The lonely child will try to re-build the self and get the love object (Borderline) to return and resume their compliant mirroring.

Eventually, the fantasy begins to unravel for the lonely child, that they are alone- and the person that the lonely child fell in love with, (the person in the mirror,) was actually YOU.

Who really is the Borderline? Someone who needed you for awhile because they were scared to be alone.

They’re still scared. Forgive them if you can- they are modern day recreations of their own childhood fears.

Now- after reading all of this- You can’t keep going back for more trauma.   The trauma bond must be broken.

After we've let fantasy go- we can turn the focus to healing.  It's good to wonder what our attraction must have been to this person. Whatever clues you have are generally good enough to give you reason that you’ve had experience with this type of personality before- perhaps within your family of origin.

Stop yourself from thinking that you’ve never been treated so poorly before this relationship. When you catch yourself saying you can't believe it. Stop and think. Chances are- you’ve just chosen to repress a few circumstances from childhood that were traumatic. Now the feelings are back on the surface and you’re going to have to address them.

Introspection involves a great pain. Let those feelings come up. Journal your thoughts when you feel anxious. Learn about yourself. We must address the pain from our childhood that has been left unresolved for too long. We cannot escape from pain if we are to have personal growth- and you've got to get this relationship out of the way in order to get at the real hurt.

Radical acceptance comes when you realize that what was mirrored really wasn’t you- it was what *you wanted others to give to you*   It was <<Understanding.>>

Try to give that to yourself.

[trevjim]

Seeking balance - thank you, ive read that article before and never really focused on the lonely child, just the borderline. But reading it again, I feel I am the lonely child and its got my r/s with my BPDex nailed down to a tee.

I think I know why I am a 'lonely child', my dad was very aggressive, no abusive, but agressive and overly strict with me etc.

I don't know how to fix myself though

[seeking balance]

Seeking balance - thank you, ive read that article before and never really focused on the lonely child, just the borderline. But reading it again, I feel I am the lonely child and its got my r/s with my BPDex nailed down to a tee.

I think I know why I am a 'lonely child', my dad was very aggressive, no abusive, but agressive and overly strict with me etc.

I don't know how to fix myself though

Fix ourselves... .  the first step is really this - seeing our part of how we got there.  Being aware and really leaning into that alone feeling to grieve it.

Therapy is a good start too.

I consciously took 1 year off dating and relationships after my separation and during my divorce... .  my entire adulthood had been about looking for that relationship to create the ideal family that I had in my mind.  This time let me learn  how to be alone and happy.  It has taken some time.  I had to grieve parts of my childhood where I was lonely.  Not blame my parents, simply let myself grieve it.  This does not mean that I don't feel alone at times now, but it does mean that I don't look outside of myself to fill any holes in me.  I do want a lasting relationship, but I am not willing to overlook red flags any longer.  I have dated several people this past year and I am able to see things that I would have easily glossed over in the past.  I am different now.

Loneliness is something many people suffer from - it is problematic when we settle from poor relationship choices to "fill that hole". 

[trevjim]

Thank you seeking balance, this has been a real eye opener for me, its something I'm going to work on

[seeking balance]

Thank you seeking balance, this has been a real eye opener for me, its something I'm going to work on

No problem trevjim.

This is likely  a big "aha" moment for you - maybe time for you to jump to posting on the personal inventory board these days?

[mosaicbird]

Oh, my. That article is basically my relationship in a nutshell, too. Except that I cannot say for certain which of us inhabits which role. Ugh.  

[seeking balance]

Oh, my. That article is basically my relationship in a nutshell, too. Except that I cannot say for certain which of us inhabits which role. Ugh.  

that is ok - we all have BPD traits at times