An apology letter... from me?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In regard to the "owning our part" thread started by GreenMango, I have started wondering if I should write an apology letter to the ex for my role in the relationship.

What do you think?

Has anyone done this?

I have reasons for "no way" and "might not be a bad idea" floating around in my head.

[struggli]

In regard to the "owning our part" thread started by GreenMango, I have started wondering if I should write an apology letter to the ex for my role in the relationship.

What do you think?

Has anyone done this?

I have reasons for "no way" and "might not be a bad idea" floating around in my head.

[TheDude]

I'd have to believe that 'owning our part' of a failed relationship, especially when already apart, is better done entirely for yourself. Directing this toward the ex is potentially "engaging" in a very unpredictable scenario. It could be used to feed and validate the blackness, or it could contribute to a future recycle attempt. Are either of those what you would want? I did something similar after the first break up, and in hindsight... .  it only served to validate her crazy break up behavior and peeled off another layer of my self respect.

[mosaicbird]

IME, having done this in the past, I don't find it to be productive. Write the letter, but save it for yourself and don't send it. When apologizing to my xwBPD, it generally turned into another session of her castigating me for my failures, acting martyred, and telling me that she didn't believe any of it and that I'd have to work harder to "convince" her of the veracity of it. You know, "If you're really sorry than you'd crawl across broken glass to prove it!" That sort of thing. From what I can tell, apologizing to someone with BPD, however well-intended, however honest, just reinforces their worldview. Maybe I'm being too cynical, but I have never had any luck with it, and it has only served to torment me even more.

[Elsegundo]

Been debating this myself.  Decided to just write it and keep it.  So far it's enough.  Think it could be for you?

[Iced]

Apologizing to someone who is not well enough to understand what the apology is for (more than likely) is more than likely going to result in what everyone else had said - ANOTHER episode.

Also, over-apologizing isn't good for anyone, either.

If you have already apologized before during the course of the relationship, apologizing over and over and over again is actually going to encourage the pwBPD to continue what they're doing.

"Oh, it's THEIR fault, definitely!  That means I never did anything wrong!"

You don't want to enable them or continue to enable them.

Write it because it can be therapeutic for yourself... .  but don't send it and instigate another confrontation.

[struggli]

Thanks all.

I was kind of thinking along the same lines.

I thought it might cement her role as victim and mine as persecutor.