Dear Friends,
I am here to offer some encouragement. Whether you are considering leaving, or left yesterday, there is happiness and freedom and contentment on the other side! My mom said something profound that sums up the feeling I had the day I left my BPDXH of nearly 20 years (2 years ago today)- "Whatever it would become would be better than what it was."
When I took that huge step of faith and just did not go home (you can read my posts from before and after on the Staying Board and then Leaving), I had learned about my husband's broken-ness, seen him acknowledge his illness, then refuse to accept any help or treatment, instead wallowing in addictions that he used to numb his emotional pain and to inflict emotional and mental wounds on me whenever he felt like it. I learned to depend on God to meet every need, and to hold me when I feared I would fly apart into a million pieces. He brought a dear, godly man in to my life, through this site, who spoke truth and blessings in to my battered heart and loaned me strength when mine was gone.
Family members and several friends were so supportive and loving, listening and praying and crying with me. They showed me that I was NOT alone and I started feeling safe, and then free to be the woman God created me to be.
The divorce took 16 months, for no other reason than H's illness and desire to control. In the end, the judge excused him from having to attend the final hearing because of his emotional instability, a blessing to me, for sure. I have been NC, with only 4 or 5 exceptions for getting my belongings, then the preliminary hearing. We live in the same town, so I have seen him in a store a few times, but we both just walk in different directions. Our home is still for sale, though he lives there and has been difficult for the realtor to work with. At least he's paying the mortgage. Not sure how, since he had not been working for over 2 years, last I knew.
I don't know anyone who knows him, besides his family, who don't have anything to do with me. That is okay, though I miss his mom (a non who has been emotionally abused for nearly 50 years). So I never hear anything about him, which suits me.
Every once in awhile, I will get a random phone call and a song will be played, a typical way H would latch on to a song that expressed his thoughts. When I was still with him, it might be "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Kill Her" or "Hate Everything About You"- since I left, I've been
serenaded with "Wanna Grow Old with You" early on, then "She F***ing Hates Me" most recently (check those lyrics, so very BPDish of him).
These days, my energy is spent on family, work, and living happy and healthy! Oh, yeah, and planning a wedding in May.
It feels good to celebrate today and I pray that you get to this place one day soon!
,
JBro
