So much hate

[cal644]

I was wondering if any of you experienced absolute hate at the end of your marriage.  My wife has so much hate in her heart right now for me filing it's hard to explain.  It kills me that she won't even consider talking about trying to reconsile.  The other day I tried to call her and talk nice but within one minute she showed so much hatred towards me and hung up.  I'm at my wits end trying to reconsile and cant let go. 

[Scott44]

Yes I have been on the receiving end of this kind of hate.  Then I think back to my ex's previous relationships and I realize that with me she painted them all black.  Simple as that.  And now she's doing that with me, and she'll do it with whomever she meets next.  And I know the pain of not being able to let go.  They build us up so much just to watch us fall.

[pixiepie]

my pwBPD loves to hate me in a conflict. it also kills me to have someone I love who used to regard me so highly now talk about me like Im a disease.

my sympathies to you, I know it must feel really terrible.

[HarmKrakow]

Same here lads, I've witnessed the damn hatred as well. So far, so deep, you saw the glare of intensity in her eyes that she almost seem to enjoy to hate. They do this so ferociously to make themselves SURE that what they do is good (or else they feel guilt but they ofc. cant feel that)

So much hate and all you want to do is help, talk and reconcile.

The more emotional you show yourself the more they walk over you ... .  

[trevjim]

Yup, was shocked about how horrible and intense she was. I would try and get closure, and she would just say horrible things, say how much better her new boyfriend is.

Its splitting and also I think a way to deal with the guilt and shame they are facing.

[Bulgakov]

It is amazing the way they can put on a face and smile while crushing your self-esteem in public. This has happened to me at one dinner at least, with people all around us, and at a few nights out with friends as well. She even made mention of how she could do this all night without anyone noticing.

[Mupetto]

I also am hated. It hurts because all I did was love her and give and give and give.

My exwBPD was very good at hating. She could argue like no one I ever met. When I argue I loose my ability to concentrate and focus and think. I trip over my tongue and thoughts. When she argued she had such clarity and recall it was frightening.

She would never fight fair. Always dragged up the past. She could link together unrelated thoughts/events and make them sound related. Confused the heck out me. Then all of sudden she would stop and become loving. But NEVER apologised.

[LuckyEscapee]

Yip I was hated and raged upon and threatened and had the full on mind games projected at me to the point where I believed that he would rather I be dead, literally. I called him out on it (before I realised he was BPD) and said I was scared of him seriously hurting me, to which he sad I was mentally ill for suggesting that and was being melodramatic. Yet I was harassed, stalked, sick with stress and lack of sleep. All the while he had started a new life and I had wished him well. He wouldn't leave me alone.

Then he left town and before going told me I was the love of his life, he still tells me when he breaks NC that I am his soul mate? Still doesn't make sense, but Ive given up caring. Never ever heard a sorry though, never ever.

[HarmKrakow]

Yip I was hated and raged upon and threatened and had the full on mind games projected at me to the point where I believed that he would rather I be dead, literally. I called him out on it (before I realised he was BPD) and said I was scared of him seriously hurting me, to which he sad I was mentally ill for suggesting that and was being melodramatic. Yet I was harassed, stalked, sick with stress and lack of sleep. All the while he had started a new life and I had wished him well. He wouldn't leave me alone.

Then he left town and before going told me I was the love of his life, he still tells me when he breaks NC that I am his soul mate? Still doesn't make sense, but Ive given up caring. Never ever heard a sorry though, never ever.

I have a similar story which happened to me. I mean, the way you write it down ... i mean that would literally break down everybody no? The strength and pain is ~ing ridiculous no? How much pain can someone take. it's ~ing ridiculous. I read what you wrote and I wonder why the ~ did I allow all that ~ to happen to me? And be sad everynight when I lie in bed realizing the BPD person

1) doesn't care at all

2) continues with life as nothing happens

3) etc...

[LuckyEscapee]

Yes I think it would break most people down. I was forever questioning myself, my own behaviour. I had always tried to be caring and considerate, yet I was apparently something you'd step in. I lost count of the insults, the rages, the delusions, the rewriting of history. At first I tried harder, I self-analysed, I apologised for anything and everything. Nothing made any difference. It was always either hard, excruciating or unbearable. Mission Impossible!

I was lucky in that I have always been strong and happy, and had had previous relationships and started to realise that this was something beyond normal, that I was in trouble and wanted out. I hate to think about what would have happened if this was a first relationship, where maybe I wouldn't have known it was unhealthy. Maybe I would have believed I was this horrid specimen he repeatedly told me I was.   

Only when he left town and I went NC did I even realise just how bad it had got. I had been in battle mode for so long I was in stress-shock. I was bewildered. I had been in a war yet had no understanding how I had even got there!

He still periodically tries to engage me somehow expecting me to be that old person who attended to his every need, who made him laugh and told him he was wonderful. He still pretends to care about me, issues his sweet words, but in doing so he gives his game away (he is engaged to my replacement). I can tell by the things he says that nothing has changed with him. I have now accepted he has real problems that I cannot solve, and aren't mine to help with.

I don't believe he cares about me. Everything is about him. Sometimes he used to say he felt empty and nothing. Many of his emotional responses were either learnt or mirroring. Someone here said it is like they are a bucket with holes in, and they want you to pour and pour, but you can never pour enough to fill it. My exBPD operates by getting multiple pourers to meet his varied needs. He would rather I still be available to fill his bucket when he is feeling low. Well I tried my damned hardest to fill that bucket and am positive it is Mission Impossible. Now I am a bucket-free zone.

As my understanding about BPD increases, as I learn from the others in this blessed forum  , my own healing and health improves too. Now I look back and shake my head at the whole thing. Now I realise how lucky I am to be on this side of it all. I realised, and I got out. I am lucky    How lucky are you?

[maria1]

That hatred hurts. Try to think of it as unconscious self protection. Engulfment terror/ abandonment terror is not something a person without BPD can understand or recognise without good therapy. 

They don't think 'oh I'm feeling terrified of getting annilhilated and at the same time I'm feeling terrified of getting abandoned here, what can I do? I know I'll hate them and treat them abonimably.'

Defense mechanisms are subconscious. It's the only way they know how to deal with their emotions. Just as the three year old throws a toy at your head because they broke it.

[broken but not beaten]

Hi all,newbie here posted my intro,I've never understood the hate,how you can feel so loved and adored for it to be ripped from under you. The hatred in the eyes the silent rages,my uBPDex gf took pleasure in my pain I have no doubt,I'm ashamed at how I let her manipulate me with my innermost secrets,maybe its the power they feel they have its soul destroying,never understood how someone can be so loving one minute and so bitter and spiteful the next

[blecker]

For me, it became easier when I viewed her differently.

It was not hate or anger that drove her.

It was fear.

I can understand and even forgive fear for I too, have been controlled by it in moments of my life.

In the BPD mind it controls everything. 

[Cumulus]

No, he wasn't hateful at the end. Yes, I did get some hateful sounding emails and voice messages but they were the exception. He was (and is) a very sad man, full of anxiety, jealousy, depression, self loathing, indecision and lethargy. His hatred was directed inward. I think I was more full of outward hate, not knowing about BPD, I couldn't understand why a man given so much in this world would choose to do such demeaning things. Not just demeaning to himself, but to his whole family. I hated what he had done to us.

[LuckyEscapee]

It was not hate or anger that drove her.

It was fear.

Blecker: yes this is a good way to think about it, makes sense.

So much hate must have been an awful lot of fear.

Funny too because he used to pride himself on supposedly not fearing anything.

Thanks Blecker 

[blecker]

So much hate must have been an awful lot of fear.

Whenever I am angry I try to catch myself and ask "what are you afraid of?"

If I can identify my fear I can usually begin to quelch the anger.